joy delivered

a mother remembers the details of her babies' births.  tonight, as i bake a cake and wrap gifts, i think about the labor pains/anticipation of this little girl.  it is hard to believe that 8 years have gone by. my mind remembers it like it was last night.

and yet so much has happened, changed and transformed this little bug into the wonderful girl that she is today.  my Christmas baby.

sitting in Chritmas Eve service, thinking about mary and the pain she experienced riding on a donkey...  it was a real out-of-body experience for me, personally.  i remember listening to our pastor at western springs bapritst re-telling the accounts of the mother of jesus and feeling a baby move in my own womb.  it changed Christmas for me.  something out of reach, out of comprehension...  suddenly became a very imaginable birth story.  but alas, my due on Christmas baby, held tight to the womb THAT night.

i had been on bed rest for months.  my mid-wife, my husband, and even myself anticipated that she would break free weeks earlier.  but baby girl held fast to the womb.

and then, the night after Christmas, she broke free.

and in this world, my d, has been free.  she marches to the beat of her own drum.  she loves fiercely.  she is loyal- never one to hold a grudge.  she embraces with her whole heart.  she feels.  she appreciates.  she deep-belly laughs.  she asks tough questions.  she analyzes people with her heart.  she can be wounded to the core.  she can be rejected by you or hurt by you, but still sees you in your best light.  baby girls is competitive if she thinks she can win, able to step aside and celebrate you if she can't.

she has a frustrated side.  she wants to be just like her older sister and wants to be admired by her baby sister.

her giggle will capture your heart and her "smiling eyes" will capture your soul.

d-bugs...  you have won our hearts over and momma, daddy, ellie and pops celebrate the joy that you posses.  it spills into our home, into our lives and into your world.  people see you and they gravitate towards it.

it's hard to believe that we have had 8 years of you.  i cherish the moments when you were little.  you always had us in suspense of what you would do next.  today, is no different.

we can't wait to see where this world takes you...  what mountains you climb, what obstacles you overtake and how joy guides your heart.

happy birthday, d-bugs the baby of the world.  we love you to pieces.  your birth story is just the beginning.  i know it is going to be your guiding force.  YOU are a challenger...  just like me.  and you will take this world by storm.  i can't wait to see your story unfold.

Love Keeps No Record Of Wrong

several years ago, my dear friend jennifer lost her dad.  in an effort to step in and help her plan the funeral, i was tasked with creating the "celebration of life" program.  she gave me the schedule for the services and asked that they be printed on columnar paper.  her sweet daddy had been an accountant and it was fitting to use the paper for the services.  i went to work.

this past week, in a conversation with my sister, we discussed the issue of "keeping records of wrong".  hearts, often not even being aware that they are doing so, keep a tally of when they have been wronged.  it reminded me of the columnar tablet from so many years ago and the funeral program that i had been a part of creating.

i wondered about where the leftover tablets had gone.  the visual was in my mind and i was curious if we had any left.  i wasn't really certain as to what had happened to those pages, but i was pretty sure that some were left over.  had the kids used them up?  were they stored in a bin in the garage?

later in the day (never having discussed this with anyone and the conversation took place with my sister in private), i walked into the kitchen.  sitting at the kitchen table was d.  in front of her was a columnar tablet.  my heart skipped a beat and i lost my breath for a moment.

it was odd.  i had not set eyes on them in years and then here before me, on the very same day that they crossed my mind, one was laid out before me filled with artwork on the kitchen table.

not being one who believes in coincidences, and being one that believes in a God who speaks to us through mysterious ways, i paused to reflect on this occurrence.

and 1 corinthians 13:5 filled my head...  "(love) does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong."

it was a verse recited at my wedding and many other weddings.  it is the "common" wedding scripture to be recited.  nothing new or unusual here.  and yet it sparked something inside of me.

i began to wonder "how"?  how does the human mind, the one that DOES tend to keep a "record of wrong" avoid "keeping a record of wrong".

we all are less than awesome.  that hurts to admit and yet it is very true.  i will fail you.  you will fail me.  i will inflict injury (even when it is not my intention) and you will do the same.  but how do we walk through THAT without feeling injured?  how do we get hurt over and over and over again without keeping a mental tally?

it is hard, to say the least.

and the conclusion that i have come to is through communication.  nobody likes "conflict".  ick!  that word and that feeling stinks.  but if we are to go forward in healthy communication, we are called to press in.  even when it is hard.

sometimes it is received.  other times, it is rejected.  but if we try and press in, if we ask the question of "how have i wounded you" and are willing to tell others how they have hurt or wounded us...  being willing to reject the need to defend ourselves and being willing to give honest answers, we might be able to walk forward without keeping tabs on our mental columnar tablet.  we just might be able to stop ourselves from making the tally in "accounts due" and keeping a balanced ledger sheet.

is this hard?  unbelievably so!  but the ticket in doing so, in my opinion, lies in communication.

and so it brings me to this place:  am i willing to acknowledge when my actions were haphazard, and caused injury to another human heart?  can i own my role in miscommunication?  do i press forward in reconciliation?  do i do it with my whole being?

and if i don't, i have to question my heart.  why not?

the only way forward is through communication.  if communication is swift, the elephant doesn't have an opportunity to grow full-sized under the rug.  when communication is swift, the ledger doesn't have time to grow.

and when the ledger doesn't have time to grow, love keeps no record of wrong.  and in this occurrence, we just love.  hearts are wide open and all we feel is the full embrace of another human heart, embracing us with full force.  but when we let the elephant grow, we give life to misconception, denial and human hearts hurting.

it begs the question, where will you stand?  will you be the heart that presses in?  will you deflate the elephant and own your actions or will you grow the elephant and let seeds of bitterness and hurt grow.

i have been on both sides of this story.  i have pressed in.  i have let elephants grow.  pressing in is always the better way.  and an awareness that the human heart has a tendency to do this is ever so important.  we dismiss.  we let go.  we give a pass.  and then suddenly we find ourselves in a columnar tablet of mess...  and the ledger often sways in our favor and in the red for those that we have not addressed issues with.

addressing issues is hard.  but with those that matter in our our lives, it makes all the difference.  it tells them that they matter.  it tells them that we love them.  it enforces that we won't keep a "record of wrong" and that we want our hearts to be in tune with one another.  sometimes this is rejected.  that is hard.  but most often, it is met with a desire to get on the same page.

and when we are on the same page, humanity wins.  family wins.  sisterhood wins.  friendship wins.  it isn't easy and takes courage but it is the pulse of a relationship.  and when the pulse is good, the relationship is pure.

purity is where it is at!  this is the place where relationship, healthy relationship, thrives.  this is where love is pure and there is no recored of wrong.

and i find it fitting that this was my d's drawing on the columnar tablet...

a pig and an elephant...

today, poppy asked me if she could read me a book she had brought home from school.  always a fan of listening to my girl read, i eagerly said "yes".

girlie opened up her book, i'm a frog by mo willems.

the book features a pig who claims to be a frog.  the pig frog is having a conversation with an elephant...

pig:  "ribbit!"

elephant:  "you learn something new every day!" (confused by a pig who isn't oinking)

elephant:  "when did you become a frog?"

pig:  "about five minutes ago."

elephant:  "FIVE MINUTES AGO!?!"

elephant:  "FIVE MINUTES AGO SHE WAS A PIG!"

elephant:  "NOW SHE IS A FROG!"

pig:  "ribbit!"

elephant:  "what if I become a frog?"

elephant:  "HOPPING ALL DAY..."

elephant:  "eating flies!"

insert worry here.  the graphics display the fear that one might have in the confusion of how one thing suddenly changes into a new identity...  worry takes hold and fear eclipses.

pig:  "ribbit!"

elephant:  "I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FROG!!!"

pig:  "it is okay, gerald."

pig:  "it is pretend."

elephant:  "IT IS THE END!?!"

pig:  "no gerald.  pre-tend.  i am pretending."

elephant:  "what is pre-tend-ing?"

pig:  "pretending is when you act like something you are not."

elephant:  "wow...  and you can just do that?!"

elephant:  "you can just go out and pretend to be something you are not!?"

pig:  "sure.  everyone pretends."

elephant:  "even grown-up people?"

pig:  "all the time."

and the book continues on with this story and the elephant eventually pretends to be a cow.  the purpose of the book is to teach kiddos to use voice inflection when reading.

but a different message settled in suburban momma's heart.

people pretend all the time.  people act like they are something that they are not.

and i gave pause.  i like real.  i know that everyone is different and that not everyone is like me.  but something stirred in my heart as poppy read through this story.  why do people pretend?  why does the human race feel this need to be something that they are not?  why isn't just being you good enough?

i like you!  i like the real deal.  and i realize that sometimes you (or me just being me) fails.  that stinks.  but it is real.  people, real people, will fall short.  it will happen often.  it will happen when they are trying hard to be amazing.  it will happen in the mundane.  and there is no avoiding it.

so why do we pretend?

and i think, it comes down to pride.  it comes down to a fear of failure.  it comes down to a need to please others.  or maybe a fear of embarrassment.

but are others really pleased when we put on a pseudo-self and "act" like something we are not?

i think as i grow older (which is real and happening in spite of my resistance), i am finding that my heart gravitates to "real".  i want the velveteen rabbit.  i want the real mccoy.  i want you to be you- broken, lame, imperfect.  and i will love you for that.  sometimes it is a challenge.  it often doesn't come easily, but the love that emerges from authenticity is most often the love that is long-lasting.

tell me when you fail.  show your mess-ups and own them.  and talk about it.  let those in your life be part of your story.  while i used to live by the motto of "fake it till' you make it", i am less in love with that these days.

these days, i want legit.  it's ok to mess up.  it's ok to be less than perfect.  in fact, most people will like you more that way.  they'll feel safer in your presence because "real" is relatable.  "perfect" is intimidating.

i get it.  i get it.  we all want to be amazing.  but what my heart heard in that story (and as i live out my life) is that YOU ARE amazing.  you are amazing when you rock it.  and you are also amazing when you stumble.  you were created for good.  and when you are "real", regardless of what you produce or how you show, good emerges.  when we fake it...  everyone really knows that you're a faker anyway.  and if they don't today, they will figure out your charade eventually.

and so if you are a pig, just be a pig.  if you are a frog, that's cool, too.  but don't be a frog if you were made to be a pig.

be you.  and be the BEST YOU that you can muster up.

that is good enough.

mercies in disguise

as so many of suburban momma's posts are, this one is prompted by lyrics.  listen.  then read.  listen again.  close your eyes and let your heart be open.



my heart swells with hurt right now.  so many news stories and so many personal stories are impacted by pain these days.  my heart breaks for syria,  for isreal, for friends in despair, for circumstances that are beyond our control and really just for other breaking hearts.



i sat in my car tonight listening to a random play list and this beautiful song filled my car.  i had sort of forgotten about it, but my heart felt it tonight.



we pray for blessings.  we pray for peace.  comfort for family, protection while we sleep.  we pray for healing, for prosperity.  we pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.


i have a dear friend who believes in a god but doesn't understand a god that allows us to experience pain.  i don't always have answers for her.  but tonight as my own personal heart is in a fragile place, i started to have a turn.  history has shown me that my heart draws closer to a very real God when my heart is breaking.


in reality, i want easy.  i want happy.  i long for the warm fuzzy moments of life.  but if i'm honest, those moments, the easy ones, don't always point me towards a very real personal relationship with God.  


it is in the moments of despair, it is in the moments of experiencing brokenness and darkness that my heart clings to my beloved Father.  


sometimes i forget that the God of happy, happy is also the God of sorrow.  and if i'm honest, i cling to him more in sorrow.


and all the while, you hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.


i am learning, as i grow older, that God is constant.  He wants good for us.  always.  but good doesn't always mean happy, peaceful or easy.  good, in God's eyes, means that we draw each breath from Him.  you might be the person that does this in spite of circumstances.  but for many, we need a reason to depend deeply on Him in order to breath.  that typically comes through trials.  


'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?


independence is something we have come to respect in our culture.  but i think something is lost in this respect.  it places a value on us- the "me culture" that is void of God.  in my almost 40 years, i have slowly learned that but for me, i am nothing.  but for Him, i can conquer the world.  because He conquered death.  He imparted His power in ME...  and WITH HIM, i can also conquer death.  


we pray for wisdom.  your voice to hear.  we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.  we doubt your goodness.  we doubt your love as if every promise from your word is not enough.  all the while you hear each desperate plea, yet long that we'd have faith to believe.


and we get all sorts of cray-cray when we don't feel HIM...  but maybe, it is simply because we are looking towards our own SELVES to be amazing.  we loose the fact that God is good.  we are not.  we are fallen.  we are not wise.  anger takes hold of our lives.  doubt permeates our every action.  we loose sight of who HE said He was and who HE proved to be when HE died on a cross and then rose again.


'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?


when friends betray us, when darkness seems to win we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not, our home.  it's not our home.


and we set our eyes on "winning" in this life...  but we forget that winning in HIS eyes...  that is achieved by living a life for HIM.  sometimes a life for HIM means loosing today.  sometimes a life for HIM means living a life that is nonsensical in they eyes of the world.  it means loving when it is hard.  it means sacrificing when it isn't recognized or appreciated.  it means surrender.


cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  


and it means being HIS, even in the rain.


what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?  what if trials of this life; the rain, the storms, the hardest nights; are your mercies in disguise?

life is filled with disappointments.    i hate that fact.  but it is so very true.  but what if, God, is waiting for us in our deepest disappointments?  what if, God, is sitting right there in our rain?  our storms?  and He has redemption for those moments?  i believe He does!  i have experienced this first hand in so many situations.  the cry of my heart is that I GRAB HOLD of THIS.  that I KNOW this.  that I feel THIS...  and that you might do so too.


after hearing this song tonight, my girlie emerged from her meeting and got into my car.  my thoughts were stopped and i went on to adjusting to the conversations that an 11 year old needs to have.  in many ways, the impact of those moments alone were lost.



but as i sit alone tonight, i grab hold of the lyrics in that song and feel truth.  God is good always.  He is good when things are happy, happy.  He is also good when things are not right.  and often, if i'm honest, i seek Him more... with a greater desperation and intensity, when things are asque.  it saddens me to realize this.  but maybe, just maybe, this isn't so sad or surprising to Him.  quite possibly, my life is less comfortable from time to time because a God that loves me ever so much, wants me to seek Him in ALL THINGS.



these are His mercies...  no longer in disguise.

i'm sorry

let me start this post by saying that i do realize that i am 39 and writing about a taylor swift song.  it is slightly ridiculous.  but the truth of the matter is that her words ring true.

from the beginning of my motherhood i have taken the same approach to apologies.  it goes something like this:

when a sister in the buser house offends/hurts/violates another sister in the buser house (or another member of our community), i send them to the bathroom.

i got this idea from my sister stacy and i still stand behind the concept.  i would send them to the nearest bathroom to discuss the situation.  the idea behind it is that regardless of where you are, there is always a bathroom.  in addition, discipline should be private.  step one involves removing them from the scene of the crime ("go to the bathroom").  step two involves a discussion.  

after momma has calmed down from the event (which usually takes a few minutes for me to get my head on straight), i join them in the bathroom.  behind closed doors, we discuss.  it gives the kiddo time to calm.  it gives the momma time to calm and then it allows for private discussion.  

the initial conversation allows me to see where they were coming from.  it allows for this momma to see why they feel justified in their words or actions, because, let's face it, we usually feel justified.  and then after that, it allow me to speak in.  it allows me to represent the other side.  it allows me private space to challenge.  it usually begins with, "how did you show love when you...".  good conversations happen in the bathroom.  almost always my kiddos see the errors of their ways.  they get space to understand that their lens isn't always the only lens.  hard?  yes?  but valuable time and perspective comes from flipping the switch on how they view a situation and how the receiver sees the situation.  almost always, they see that they were short sighted in their response.  

typically, when we emerge from the bathroom, an apology is to be given by my child.  even if the deeds of the other party were greater than their own.  yikes.  it is dicey but i try to emerge from the bathroom with the kid prepared to own their part in the conflict.

once released, they are instructed to approach the other party with an apology script.  it usually goes like this:

"i'm sorry for.....".  they apologize.  they make right.  they verbalize their role in the conflict.  and almost always it is half-hearted and almost always is half-heatedly received.  a trust issue brews.  the offending (sent to the bathroom) child feels slightly forced to apologize and the recipient feels this too.  

the recipient of the apology is then required to say, "i forgive you".  

this worked when they were two.  it worked when they were four.  but at eleven, i contemplate if a lack of authenticity rings through for both parities.

today i was running alone (lord help me) and listening to my play list which has been impacted by my sixth grader.  the following lyrics jumped right out of my phone and into my heart:

"band aids don't fix bullet holes.  you say sorry just for show.  if you live like that you live with ghosts. if you love like that blood runs cold."

it gave me pause.  literally.  i stopped running and thought through the profoundness of those word.  my heart resonated with it.  sorry that isn't heart felt is FELT.  you KNOW when someone says sorry "just to make peace".  it is a starting point, for sure, but if it isn't sincere, the recipient knows it.

the next song in my play list was APOLOGIZE by one republic.  (yes.  i know.  i'm turning the big 4-0 next month.  my play list is not up for discussion here.  another time.  another place.)

"it's too late to apologize.  it's too late.  i said, it's too late to apologize.  it's too late."

and once again it paused me in my tracks.  at some point is "i'm sorry" too late?

for sure, we have all been in both places.  we have all been in the pseudo apology that is forced.  we have all experienced the apology that didn't come at a time when our hearts were ready to feel/hear it.

and yet, the art of the apology is something we must all embrace.  

so what wins?  is there a magic formula that gives us the band aid for the bullet hole and the timing that doesn't leave us "too late"?

lord help us, we are going to be on both sides of this coin many a day in our lives.

i think it comes down to three things:  timing, lens shift, and pride.

hear me out.

an apology cannot be forced upon exiting the bathroom.  it could when you were two.  it can't when you're older.  we need to really feel sorry before we express it.  it doesn't make for easy apologies with kiddos, but it truly needs to be heartfelt before it expressed.  

second, as humans, we need to be more reflective.  we need to be more willing to try on our counterparts shoes.  wear them.  walk around in them.  really feel them.  in someone else's shoes we can begin to understand how our actions presented in someone else's viewpoint.  shift the lens.  see our actions in their eyes.  challenging.  fo shizzle.  but eye opening?  always!

lastly, pride comes into play.  can we see our wrong-doings or does pride get in the way of our ability to see our true selves?  and on the flip-side, does pride negate the apology of those that have wronged us?  does it control our hearts in ways that "i'm right" dominates over "there was a kinder way"?  

i'm not sure how this all translates to the buser bathroom discipline model, but after my ponderings today i am beginning to think that i need to focus less on finding "a peaceful solution immediately" to seeking out an "authentic solution that happens quickly".  

authenticity wins in my book.  forced might be an adaptation of pseudo that i am not comfortable.

and while i don't have a song in my play list...

"i forgive you" should be a part of every one's vocabulary.  and at some point, we should all realize that "i forgive you" means that the issue is finished. (john 19:30)

the game of risk

back when i first started blogging, i wrote a post titled, "the rest of the story".  i thought about that post today.

this post is similar, but also different.  same title, different story.

when i was a child, we had a board game called, "risk".  it was one of my favorite games.

this past weekend my sister visited cali.  the vehicle for her trip was to hold a CAbi party, which is how she makes a living.  the blessing of her trip, was significantly greater than making a living.  it was about doing life.

i've told you before that i am not a jealous person, but for one element.  i'm jealous of family.  (ick.)

now onto the story-

about six years ago, my sister was at a crossroads.  her husband announced that he might be ready to move on.  my sister spent the better part of the next eighteen months fighting for her marriage, but in the process felt prompted to reinvent her career.  she was a graduate of the fashion institute of technology in new york, held a degree from bowling green state university, had years of a career in buying/selling with liz claiborne (back in their heyday), and more experience with menswear design and selling.  her reinvention fell into the hands of a direct marketing company called carol anderson by invitation.  i thought she was a bit loco taking that on in her current state, if i were telling the truth (which i am).  but that is what she did.

fast forward to now- selling CAbi is her gig.  she does it with va-voom.  i am not even sure how to best articulate it, but she rocks out this business (along with some other ones) with finesse.  she doesn't sell for the sake of selling.  she sells while being true to herself- a truth teller- never letting a customer buy something that she doesn't think will be fab on their body type, never encouraging a woman to buy outside of their means- and always reaching in for the personal connection and the relational to be far more valuable than the sale.

i digress, as usual.

my sisters "plan b" has been the vehicle for so much more than she ever intended.

and i get to be the recipient.

you see, i love me some CAbi.  i love me some par-tay.  all of that is a huge "YES".  but there is so much more.

having a CAbi party also allows my girls some "auntie time".  living away from fam is hard, but getting frequent visits from a relative eases the blow of not having your peeps around the corner.  she gets to be present, while doing what she needs to do.

on her spring visit, we went to oakland for a family bocce fest.  it was amazeballs.  my kids talk about it often.  on the most recent visit, we took in a giants game.  they will remember it forever.

but why does any of this matter for a blog post?

it's because the choices you make today have impact on so many people around you.  your plan "b" can become the vehicle that makes a difference in the lives of those that you care about immensely.

heather didn't necessarily want to be a traveling clothing show salesperson.  she rocks it, she does.  but if you had asked her a few years ago if this was her dream gig, i am not sure she would have said "yes".

one of her fears at the onset of her divorce was that she would never travel again.  no longer a fear.  the girl travels around the country having an opportunity to "do life" with more people than she ever could have before.

it took courage.

it took vision.

and it takes selflessness to rock out "traveling step-mom", "traveling wife", "traveling mother" to fulfill the plan that she never had before.

and i get to reap the blessing.  i get time with my sister.  my kids get time with their auntie.  and we all win.

it takes me to this place of being able to embrace the beauty of what lies beneath.  we all have a plan for our lives.  and if you are anything like me, you have come to realize and appreciate the fact that plans are plans.  they don't always come to fruition.

but sometimes taking risks and being willing to say "yes" to something you didn't plan is the best "yes" you can ever say.

the gifts aren't always foreseeable.  the benefits aren't always clear.  but if you travel the path that God designs, it is sure to be filled with blessings.  heather never knew that the yes to CAbi would be the vehicle to seeing old friends and family members from near and far.  and yet that is what it has been for her.

and if i were able to speak for her, i would say that that this gig was God ordained and planned out in advance.

her roll in all of this was listening to his call.  she listened.  she responded.  and she (and the rest of us) get to reap the benefit of that obedience.  it has all panned out in much larger ways than anyone could have imagined, but panned out it has.

i can attest to that personally.  my kids will back me up and so will my hubs.  win.  win.  win.  her risk has allowed my peeps to experience family in a way that i never could have imagined.

and so i ponder. am i willing to take risks today that nudge on my heart (the ever present pull of the Holy Spirit), that will pay out dividends that i can't even imagine?  do i let myself say "yes" to things that don't always make perfect sense and draw me out of my comfort zone?  do i bring God along for the ride?  or do i control the heck out of my life, causing me to miss the blessings that throwing caution to the wind would unfold?

i, myself, tend to be a control freak.  true story.  but in watching my sister, i am learning that letting it all go, and letting God take the driver's seat reaps benefits that i could never conjure up.  the payout is much larger for me, and those in my circle, than i could ever have imagined.

the value of friendship

my friend brandi, from college, posted this quote on facebook today:

"in friendship...we think we have chosen our peers.  in reality, a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting-any of these chances might have kept us apart.  but, for a christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances.  a secret master of ceremonies has been at work.  Christ, who said to the disciples, "ye have not chosen me, but i have chosen you," can truly say to every group of friends, "ye have not chosen one another but i have chosen you for one another."

the friendship is not a reward for our discriminating good taste in finding one another out.  it is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of another."  - CS Lewis

it has stuck with me all day.

friendship is a challenging, delicate relationship.  so often, we find ourselves asking, "what does this relationship give to ME?"  people fail us, and we find ourselves looking for what we get OUT of a relationship instead of looking for the beauty that is intricately found in those that surround us.  we become a "ME" culture so quickly and we neglect to look for the beauty that resides in every single soul that surrounds us.

i am guilty.

i have spent the better part of today examining the beauty in those that surround me.  and in doing so, i have found that beauty prevails.

it is easy to highlight the flaws of our friends.  naturally, we can identify the flaws of those that we do we life with.  we can feel shorted.  we can quickly feel slighted.  we can, in fact, find fault in anyone around us.

and those faults and shorts and flaws are probably true.  but what is also true, is their beauty.  each and every one of our relationships is lined with attributes that caused us to gravitate towards that person (or persons).  before we saw negative, our hearts gravitated towards the positive.

and so we get to choose.  do we allow our vision to perpetuate the negative?  or do we force our hearts to seek out the positive.  and taking it further, do we let the positive transform us?  do we allow the greatest parts of a person, in spite of their magnitude of flaws, penetrate our very inner core?

often, i believe, we do what is shallow and easy.  we adopt a nature of woundedness as we allow flaws in the human person to penetrate our inner being.  we take a look and let it equate ourselves to less than.  we take a comment, isolating it out of context, and let it tell us that we are not worth much.  we compare.  we evaluate.  with a negative eye, not even meaning to do so, we let our encounters define us.

but there is another way.  a much better and more intentional way- we can let each and every person we encounter transform us.  how?

it is easy.  easier said than done in reality- but easier.  we can dig deep and search for the very reason that a person is in our lives.  we can seek after the good and dismiss the bad that is entrenched in a persons' character.

and we can communicate.  sometimes, the very core of reality, lies in talking about how we perceive things/comments/non-verbal cues.  we shy away from this.  it feels awkward.  it is uncomfortable.  but at its' very core, communication, dismisses the lies that we tell ourselves about relational interactions.

but it requires bravery.

i am writing to myself here.  having been, and currently being in this situation, talking and asking and listening often gives way to a truth that you didn't let your soul hear.

and going back to CS Lewis- i don't believe anyone is in my inner circle by chance.  listening to them and letting my heart hear their truth is what transforms me.  in letting my soul absorb the emotion of those that surround me, i allow myself to be transformed.

transformation, albeit difficult, elevates each one of us.  the tricky part is that is doesn't include self-righteousness.  it embodies an ability to listen, accept that which rings true, reject which feels false, and a desire to change the parts of us that need changing.

i look at my friendship circles.  we all have so many as we grow older, and for me, i am thankful for each one of the people that are there.  in addition, i believe that so many are there because of a God ordained planned towards the refinement of me.

friendship is sacred to me, valued high on the pedestal.  but i have to ask myself (and i encourage you to do the same), "am i letting it transform me?".  "am i allowing the encounters i have with human beings beings be a part of a my story?"  or- "am i dismissing people, that have value, from my transformation process, because i focus on the negative and neglect to see the good that they add to my life?"

the old 97's and how i became a cali girl

i love the song "question" by the old 97's.  it always reminds me of my scott and how lucky i am.  i love how my life story is going and i often pause to bask in the gratitude of the question that propelled me down this path and the "yes" that sealed the deal.

but there are a few other "yes" responses that i am thankful i gave in this lifetime.  i'm pretty certain that my "yes" to west virginia university hits the list as does the yes to my bff about moving to atlanta.  they were the beginning "yes's" that directed me to scott and they are both filled with moments where i experienced joy, growth, maturity, laughter and personal accomplishment.

wvu was the first place where i learned how to fail.  and in the process i learned how to pick myself up again and move forward.  i had been told i was a strong person by my friend's mom throughout high school but i didn't really know it for myself.  it was in college where i learned that i did indeed have strength and i also discovered that i had vision.  i remember that as soon as i figured out what i wanted to do with my time in college, my entire academic life changed.  i went from being a laissez faire, insecure student to feeling like a human with intellectual contributions.  it was life changing.

after college my bestie invited me to move to atlanta where she had moved the year prior.  there wasn't a real solid reason to go but there wasn't anything holding me back.  i said, "sure", and i loaded up my pontiac sunbird and moved to atlanta without a secure job and without a place to live.  there were some dicey days, but in the process i learned that living in the moment and taking risks is very important.

there are some other "yes" moments that also contribute to the making and development of me- saying "yes" to a teaching job at kipp, saying "yes" to Jesus (the most important "yes" i've ever said), saying "yes" to chicago...  so many important "yes" moments.  but this post isn't about those "yes's".

this post is about saying "yes" to california.  i can remember the day that the idea was tossed around like an unrealistic joke, funny to imagine but never something we would authentically consider.  and then at some point it morphed into this thing that we did consider.  there were so many phases of the process and this was one of the first "yes" responses that didn't come quick or with conviction.  this "yes" was slow and over time, pulled back and then pushed forward time repeatedly.  because the process was so long, embracing the reality of it all was hard.  it felt like something that we would do some time, maybe.  and it felt this way right up until the moment that the packers arrived and i moved myself into a hotel with my three children.  i can remember sitting at the curb in my rental mini-van watching my sequoia being loaded onto a flatbed and seeing moving men walking in and out of my house with their furniture pads, while watching our neighbor zoey walk to school for the first day of kindergarten.  my heart sunk and i wasn't sure that anything felt right.

(this snap was taken right before i said goodbye and got into the car to leave for the airport.  i thought i would die as i watched my e say goodbye to jen's p- besties since birth.)

today marks six years.  yep.  we moved our crazy family of five via airplane on september 11th, 2009.    and six years later i can earnestly say that i have no regrets.  i miss my chicago life, but i am also keenly aware that life isn't static.  what i remember isn't and wouldn't be a reality if we were transported back there today.  life is fluid.  it moves.  and being willing to let yourself lose control and roll with the current is a valuable gift.

i miss people.  i want to go to dinner with my favorite couple friends, do birthday parties with the babies i watched come to life in this world, flesh out the mundane parts of life as it unfolds in real time over a cup of coffee, wrap my arms around my people and support those who have experienced loss,   and so much more.  yet, i realize that in my absence, others have stepped in and now stand in the place where i once stood.  there are moments where this made me sad, wishing i could be there in the flesh for the trials and joys of this life- me not someone else.  however, my perspective has changed over time, also fluid.

you see, slowly, relationships developed here for me.  gently, one person at a time, i found my life filled with hand holders and cheerleaders, people who bring the laughter, people who wipe the tears...  right here in my new circle.

and six years later, my heart is spilling out of my chest with joy and gratitude for how this "yes" was the right answer to the question that we were presented with.

moments to cherish

my eldest girl turned 11 this week.  11!  it caused me great pause to consider that i have been a mum for eleven years.  and as i paused, my head flooded with thoughts.

going into the motherhood, i had no idea what this gig was all about.  i didn't have any comprehension that it was about watching your heart beat outside of yourself.  i had no clue that it would include so much trial and error.  i couldn't have guessed that the highs would feel so thrilling and that the lows would hurt so much.  i never imagined that she would teach me so much about myself and my husband, all in such beautiful ways.

i am lucky.

my e, like all children, has been an amazing blessing.  she came into this world with colic.  who would have imagined that my first months in the motherhood would be about teaching me patience and an appreciation for being the one that is "not in control"?  we all survived those first few months of blissful day times and torturous nights.  i wasn't always sure that we would.  but in the process of survival i began to see that the best laid plans don't always come to fruition and that each person on this planet has their own space.  space that is uniquely theirs.  there were moments that i resented her space.  there were moments that i didn't understand her incessant crying.  but in hindsight, i can say that we are stronger for having survived months of learning that plans are plans and reality is reality.  it is best to yield to reality and let expectations and plans fall to the wayside.  even in the process their is much joy to be found.

as a toddler, my ellie girl was a rule follower.  i could tell her not to go into the street and she would obey.  i could tell her that b says bah and she would memorize it and recite it.  when she pulled on the curtains, i could tell her "no" and she would oblige.  she was smart and eager to please.

later, she proved to be flexible.  we could move muffin across the globe and she would march into her new surroundings with confidence and determination.  i had a moment of sadness on her first day of kindergarten in california when she didn't look back, just a few days shy of landing in these new surroundings, and taking her school by storm.  but then i realized that she was the girl that we had grown her to be- not fearful, strong and ready to face the next challenge ahead.

when we moved her into a new school in second grade, she followed suit and did the same.  she held her head high and proceeded with an "i can do" attitude.  i worried unnecessarily from the sidelines, but my girl was able to stride through without fear.

this year, i sent her off into the land of middle school.  secretly, i was filled with anxiety and worry.  i knew she didn't have a lot of peers in her classes and i was terrified that she would run home on day one needing shelter from the newness and less than familiar faces.  i was wrong.  she returned home confident and cheerful.

she is different from her mother.  she doesn't need a large social network.  she longs for approval from a smaller circle.  she isn't the girl that smiles and greets and makes lots of friends fast, but she is the girl that over time makes friendships that run deep.

my worry is in vein.  she is her own self.  she is rocking out life with the tools we have equipped her with and transforming them into her own translation  that suits her needs.

i can't begin to imagine how we have arrived at this place where 11 years of parenthood are under our belt and that we have less than 7 years with her before she graduates into an adult.  but it is true.  and as i watch her, i can stand in confidence that she will take it by storm.

i can't define it.  i don't have control over it.  i have influence.  and i have confidence that her keen observation skills of her successful father and her sometimes crazy but often fun momma will be a driving force.  i also stand with great appreciation to our Heavenly Father for calling her heart to His at an early age and knowing that His plans are far greater than mine.

suddenly, i can't wait to see the space in this world that my girl carves out for herself.  it is like being engrossed in a great novel and wanting to get as quickly to the end as you can so that you can see how the story turns out, while at the very same time savoring every page because the story is so intriguing that you never want it to end.

Top 14 of 2014

for the better part of the past 7 years i have done a year end post- recapping the highlights of the year.  this year, (2014) will go down in the memory books as the year i lost my grandmother.  that's not exactly a highlight.  for a while, i considered not marking the year.  and then i thought of my grandmother and all that she stood for.

she stood for family, optimism, finding the light in the midst of the dark, smiling and laughing in the most challenging of times...  and all that was good.  when you think of her and all that she lived for, it is hard not to embrace those things.  she wouldn't want 2014 to go down in anyone's books as the year that they lost their light.  and so tonight i dig deep, i push beyond the ache in my heart and i choose to reflect on the good.  and truly, 2014 was filled with a whole lot of good.

(in no particular order...)

no.1

getting a half marathon under my belt.  with this girl.  she is a pro and she walked (ran) me through so many challenges with encouragement, laughter and tolerance.  i wasn't fast, but i finished.  it is something i never even knew i wanted to do, but having done it makes me feel confident, strong and maybe even a little bit fierce.  i know, running is all the rage, so 13.1 doesn't sound like a lot when you look at iron man races, double doubles, full marathons etc., but to this girl it was huge.  and i couldn't have done it without the amazing lynn by my side.  aside from being an amazing athlete, she is an even more amazing friend.

no. 2

soccer season and our inaugural parade.  i have been hesitant to jump into the sporting life for my girls.  i was reluctant to give over our free time to a hijacked weekend schedule.  i wasn't sure how i would juggle homework, dinner, practices and all the driving to and fro.

it was worth it!  both littles wanted to join and with our fingers crossed, we did.  it was AH-mazing!  the coaches, the kiddos, the goals, the parents...  and yes, even the seven am P-town parade.  we loved every minute.

no. 3

the first graduation of my eldest nephew.  he's an awesome kid.  he marched (or should i say tackled) his way to west point.  not only did he accomplish the skills on the field but he had the grades and determination to land him a spot on a college football team.  i am one proud auntie.  seeing him walk across the stage with my momma and sisters and brother by my side was a cool experience.  it was a fun weekend for so many reasons.

there was also something pretty special about oldest nephew graduating while getting to hand with newest nephew.  little william was the cherry on top of that weekend.

no. 4

watching the sisterhood.  my girls can fight like the rest of the sibs of the world.  but sometimes they don't.  i savor the moments when i catch them in love.  they giggle, they smile, and they live in a world that is uniquely their sisterhood.  it makes my heart happy to see them in full action together.

no. 5

swim season.  i had no idea what this family was about to take on, but take it on we did.  coach brett, the dooley family, the volgraff family, the muise family, the krekorian family...  and so many others made this an out of the park pool experience for the buser 5.  i love everything that i saw my girls accomplish and i love everything that our pool community was to us this summer.  it doesn't get much better than watching your kiddos and their kiddos take on challenges and overcome them.  a high five at the end of the lane, a towel clad gang huddled under a tent playing games, conversations with mommas pool-side during practices.  what can i say?  i am in love.

no. 6

sleep away camp for e was off the charts.  i missed her like crazy but she had a blast.  raising kids is all about preparing them for life outside of your home.  e passed with flying colors.  i was skeptical, but that girl rocked her week away from her comfortable life and took on the great outdoors with flying colors.  i wish i could have seen every moment, but the smile on her face when she told me about it spoke volumes.  

no. 7

what do you say about these peeps?  it's hard to put it into words- but when friends become family...  it makes my heart nearly burst out of my chest.  love.  love.  love.  every minute is filled with adventure and every adventure is filled with joy.

no. 8

i said it last year and i'll say it again.  these girls.  they were the beginning of my 5 year love affair with p-town.  they continue to be part of my core and i just know they will be part of my future.  i cherish our annual adventures and can't wait to see what happens next.

no. 9

the buser family trip to puerta vallarta.  i'll admit, the buse was reluctant to let wifey take on the family trip planning.  thankfully, it was a grand time.  we surfed, we kayaked, we swam with dolphins, and we spent a whole lot of time hanging together and making memories as a family.  loved. every. minute.

no. 10

did someone say "sprint triathlon"?  yep.  they sure did.  the timing wasn't perfect (who knew that training with kids over the summer wasn't going to pan out exactly right?), but none-the-less, we did it.  i might still be nursing an injury but an open water swim, crazy bike ride and run with these mommas was certainly worth it.  

no. 11

i know.  my love affair with bethany hamilton is becoming tired to some of you, but it isn't loosing mileage with my girls.  listening to her speak, worshiping with other fans from all over the tri-valley and time with the volgraff and dooley besties is never lost on me.  while it was a hectic night- sitting front and center listening to this lovely couple share their journey, will not soon be forgotten by my clan.  

no. 12

surviving a bathroom remodel- diy style with the hubs.  yep.  we didn't plan for it, but tackle it we did.  i played the role of general contractor and scott played the role of manual laborer.  he tiled, he dry walled, he painted and he plumbed (with a tiny bit of outside help).  six months later, the darling daughters have a new and improved leak proof bathroom to call their own.  amen.

no. 13

seeing my girls and their gravitational pull towards besties.  each one of them has found that go-to peep that they mesh with in an amazing way.  we all need that, don't we?  it feels refreshing to have that person with which you can be totally yourself.  e has her norah.  d has her ava.  p has her indy.  i love each of these kiddos so much and watching them be in relationship with my girls is a truly amazing experience.  2014 has held many occurrences of this momma with her ear pressed up against a door, listening in on the friendship, and smiling.

no. 14

while i lost my grandmother in 2014, her memorial will forever stand in my mind as one of the great events of my life.  yes.  it was filled with loss and sadness.  but more prevalent was the feeling of family.  the buser 5 had the opportunity to travel to my grandmother's home town of wellsville, ny and spend a weekend with our entire extended family (and more).  we had a town wide scavenger hunt taking us through the places in town where my family called home, we had an open mic night to share stories of the childhood that my grandmother nurtured, we ate texas hots together and we celebrated an amazing life that was lived to its fullest every moment.  the weekend even ended with a family track race- browning style.  it's hard to explain what that means to me.  my girls had a chance to see what living life with family looks like- if even for just a short weekend.  i dare to bet that it will mark them in a beautiful way for life. 

it's hard to sum up a year in just 14 things!  there are so many people, so many moments, so much joy that has been had in this difficult but amazing year.  dinners with friends, birthday celebrations, time spent on back porches and under the stars, new babies, encounters with God...  so much joy.  so much love.  so much goodness.  thank you for being part of our story.  our family heart spills right over the top and it is because of the people that we get to call friends and have been given as family.

here's to 2015!  i hope yours is filled with amazing!