are you there god? it's me ellie

if you are sick of hearing about surfing, this post is not for you.  well...  technically, it isn't about surfing at all...  but it centers around surfing.  six of one...

but you might like it.  and we've all heard that "don't judge a book by its cover subject quote".

moving on.

last week my e came to me and told me that she had found a surfboard on craigslist that she would like to buy.  she was insistent and impatient and rude in demanding that i look at the listing this minute.  i was in the middle of the little's bedtime routine and told my ever so excited and overly demanding e that i would not indulge this behavior and that she would have to wait.

she couldn't.  she wouldn't.  the ants in her pants got the best of her and self-control flew out the window.  as a consequence, i told her i would not look at the board until the next day.

at bedtime she apologized and we made amends.  i agreed to check out the board in the morning.  the next day i read the ad and felt like she had made a pretty solid choice and that her constant searching had paid off.  my girl had found a very reasonably priced board that would suit her needs.  i texted the owner of the board with my request to purchase it.

he didn't get back to me for several hours.  it nearly killed e.  she was beside herself when she arrived home from school with no real news.

i texted the guy again only to discover that the board was being checked out by another person over the weekend.  he promised to let me know if it didn't work out.  as a little nudge in e's favor, i told him it was for my nine year old and that she was buying a board with her own money.  she would be eager to hear if it would be hers.

he then replied with something cool...  he told me that this board had been his first board when he was 12.  it was the beginning of a love of surfing for him.  he'd be in touch.

i could only hope.  but the deal was a really good one so i decided we had best not count our chickens. chances were that the first in line would take the board.

we waited through the weekend with my e asking repeatedly if i had heard anything from the dude.  i had not.

on monday, almost to the moment that she hopped into the car in the carpool line, the dude texted me to say that the board was all ours if we wanted it.  he lived in sunnyvale (about an hour away in traffic) and that we could pick it up on tuesday.

i made the announcement to e.

after she danced around and yelped with excitement, she declared, "God answered my prayers, mom.  He heard me!"

oy.  if i am totally honest here, i had a pang of fear in my heart.  i know God answers prayer and that He cares for the intimate desires of our hearts, but i was afraid.  what if the guy flaked out?  what if the board was a mess?  what if...  what if...  what if...

what if this didn't work out and ellie felt like God had failed her.

ouch.

those were my real, true thoughts.  i'm not proud of them.  but in that moment, i was her mother and i forgot that God cares about her even more than i ever possibly could.  and so my momma bear kicked in a little and wanted to protect her...  from being disappointed by God.  as if that were possible.

i admit, i forget sometimes that His plan is never disappointing in the long run.  in the short run it can feel that way.  but in the long run it just isn't.

and so after school we headed for the highway to sunnyvale.  there was just one problem.  i texted the guy for the address of where we were to meet and he hadn't yet replied.  he had told me he would give me an address at 3:00 and at 3:15 i was still without a reply text.

knowing that the drive would be long in rush hour traffic, i went in the direction of sunnyvale.  we drove for about 40 minutes and still no reply text.  i was beginning to get nervous, to say the least.

d needed an emergency potty break so we pulled over and headed into a restroom to attend the most pressing need.  i was beginning to feel stressed and the girls could feel it.  ellie asked multiple times if i had heard from the surfboard guy.

nope.  not a peep.

with nothing left to do, i asked the girls if they wanted to pray,

yes.  yes they did.

and so as i drove down interstate 880, i prayed out loud with the girls.  as the words, "amen" hit my lips the beep of an incoming text gurgled out of my phone.

the girls let out a cheer.

"momma, is it the guy?"

"yes!  yes, it is!"

and so i pulled off the road to punch the address into the navigation system.  and in just a few short minutes, we were at our destination.  the surfboard guy was standing next to a basketball court at a local park waiting to make the deal.

my girls jumped out of the car to examine the board while the seller introduced himself.  he made some chit-chat and he took ellie's cash (allowing me to photograph the transaction without capturing his face for fear of charges of soliciting from a minor).

ellie insisted on putting the board into the car herself and he continued to chat with me.  he proceeded to tell me that about 20 people had shown interest in the board and that all 20 had flaked at the last minute.   he couldn't believe that she was the girl that got the great deal.  you could tell he was excited to sell his first board from 1987 to someone else that was getting their first board.  he even showed a little disbelief that she was a surfer.

i just looked at him and felt this little nudge from the Holy Spirit to tell my truth.

"well, it just so happens that my nine year old believes in the power of prayer.  as soon as she found this board she began to pray.  and here we are."

his eyes got wide and he said, "really?"

i nodded.

he shook my hand again and said, "that's really cool."  and then he walked off into the park.

and ellie beamed for the entire drive home while rubbing her hand on her "new" board.

and to think, i thought i needed to protect her from the power of prayer!

amen!

"you and me kid" part deux

you may recall that pops and i had you and me kid day a few weeks back.  i wouldn't trade that day, but as with many posts that i write, there is more to the story.  this happens often here at "diary of a suburban momma" (and life in general, really).  you think that it is "over" and that the story has ended.  i hit the "publish" button and in my mind that is the end.  and then a few days pass and some new thing builds itself onto the story.

"you and me kid day" has had that same evolution.

 and here is the rest of the story.  and then a little more because that's how i roll...  always on the edge of tmi.  you're welcome.

almost three weeks ago, these two little muffins marched their little selves off to elementary school.  and for two weeks it was just pops and momma.  again.

after we left them at school, she grabbed hands with me and skipped home.  daddy left for work and she declared, "it's just you and me kid".

"yep, popsie.  just you and me."

and then i went about my morning, loading the washing machine with darks and sweeping the kitchen floor.  pops meandered off and got down to the business of playing.

for a few minutes.

and then she wandered back to me and asked, "when are we going to get ice cream?"

"ice cream?  we can't get ice cream at nine in the morning."

and then the tears began.

"but i thought it was 'you and me kid day'!"

we had a little snuggle and a little chat.  i tried to explain to her that when we are alone together it isn't always a party.  sometimes it is but other times it is business as usual.

she did not care for that answer and on day two of big sisters at school and popsie still at home with momma, she asked again.

on friday i finally gave in and took her to get some fro-yo with friends after kindy pick up.  i just couldn't take her sad face any more.

and so imagine her joy when HER big day finally arrived and she got to go to school like big sisters!  she was elated and eager to begin her new adventure of pre-k.  

she dressed herself.  what can i say?  that kid is one of a kind.  i have to throw those comments in as a security measure for myself in the years to come.  you know she's going to blame me for letting her wear those blasted boots every day of her life.  i had nothing to do with it.  

i even bought her new shoes for the big day.  she picked them out all by herself.  and then promptly rejected them as soon as she tried them on at home.

exhibit a:

what's that you say?  

"didn't you buy her new shoes on 'you and me kid day'?"

yes.  yes i did.

i'm glad you asked.

she rejected those, too.

and so she is back down to uggs.  sigh.

but she rocks those uggs and is happy.  and that's all a momma could ask for.  right?

and a total aside from this story, is this one...

for the last few weeks, my pops has rejected our normal night time routine.  when i ask her what song she wants me to sing to her, she asks for "bubbles in the air".  and she giggles and pretends to pop bubbles while i sing the song.  and every night, at the end of the song as i kiss her head, she says...

"momma, you're a bubble!"

and then she laughs her little head off as i turn off the light.

i heart p-town

dear p-town,

it is so hard to believe that our relationship together began FOUR years ago today.  it feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye.  if i close my eyes, i can still remember standing in the tennis park on that very first day here.  the sun felt so warm on my shoulders and i wanted so desperately for a sign that this move was the right decision.

with each day, i have fallen in love with you more and been reassured that this was indeed a very good decision.  you are warm and kind and arms wide open.  you are filled with spectacular surprises of intense beauty- the climb up the ridge, the corner of neal and main, the dairy, the view of mt. diablo as you drive down hopyard,  the palm trees by 580 (that always feel so welcoming and so very california to this east coast girl), roses in the winter, woodpeckers and hummingbirds, your beautiful green hills in february, the scent of rosemary and lavender wafting from gardens on a summer's evening walk, flip flop temps in january, parades in the center of town, candy cane lane, poppies on the side of the road, a dancing pickle dueling it out with a caesar, turkeys meandering across a yard...  the list is long and could go on for days.

i had no idea on that scary september 11th, leaving behind so many cherished friendships, what this new place could possibly offer me that wouldn't pale in comparison.  and while nothing can replace those special people...  you've wrapped me in the arms of so many more special amazing friendships.  and i've realized that life isn't about replacing people or experiences, but much more about building onto them.  the past four years has been the most amazing building experience!  i am in awe.  i am filled with gratitude.  while i will always remember september 11th for the atrocities that occurred to our great nation, it will also always hold a special glimmer of optimism and hope for me and my family.

thankful,
suburban momma

life lessons from my first peanut

9 years ago today, i was 41 3/4 weeks prego with my first baby.  scott and i got pregnant easily.  my pregnancy was also easy without a single issue (aside from some warnings from my ob to lay off the coldstone).  step by step and day by day we marched into parenthood without a hitch.  and i had no idea how thankful i should have been.  later i learned.

and then labor began.  and easy street was over.

i had no clue what i was doing.  i was ill prepared in every single way.  i took the classes.  i read the books (many, many books), but there was little that could have prepared me for the pain of birth.

e arrived on the scene just before bedtime.  i remember vividly being wheeled from labor and delivery to the maternity ward at northwestern, arriving in the room and then preparing to go to bed.  

imagine my surprise when that sweet bundle was NOT prepared for bed.  in that moment i realized that you can read all the books, take as many classes as you want, check every mommy blog, consult with "expert" mommies...  you name it, you can do it.  but NOTHING can prepare you for parenthood.  it is a learn on the job experience.  as you walk through it, you figure it out.

and so to my sweet baby girl...

dear peanut,
you have rocked my world in the most amazing way.  i had no idea what i was doing and you have been my little guinea pig.  i've had some motherhood successes and quite a few epic fails.

and while i feel badly for the times that i have not gotten it right, i thank you.  for in each experience that mothering you has given me, i've learned a LOT about life.

i've learned that you can't control people and you can't completely figure them out.  the human being is intricate and complex in every way.  through learning this, i've learned to appreciate our creator in a new way.  he's wired us in such an amazing way and filled us with beauty that unfolds layer by layer.  i see that beauty in you and am in awe.  you are amazing, complicated, smart, witty, playful and yet very serious.   from the moment you were born right up until now, you surprise me as i learn new layers that you possess.  and as i learn each new thing about you, i continue to be amazed that God could build such a beautiful you.  in the brief moments when i doubt creation or the ability of a God to think things into being, i just look at you.   it erases that doubt instantly because you are too special, too complex, too unique!

i've also learned a lot about forgiveness.  for years, sweet e, i wondered how God could possibly forgive me for some of the things i have done.  i'm a pretty good person MOST of the time but not ALL of the time. gossip can occasionally creep into my conversations, anger can be a stronghold when my plan isn't panning out, and sometimes kindness isn't my go-to behavior.  in fact, sometimes the unkind thoughts ring louder in my head.  i've struggled in my faith to understand how this perfect God could forgive me over and over and over again for the same repeated behaviors.  it drives me crazy.  it MUST drive God insane.

and through you, i've learned all about this.  you see, as wonderful as you are, you too are human.  you have a sin nature that pops up from time to time.  you are a rule follower and you have always wanted to make momma happy.  even when you were itty bitty, you listened to my voice and intended to obey my instruction.  but even you, a girl who desires to be good, fumbles from time to time.  and when you do, it is easy to forgive you for i know that you don't WANT to be naughty.  but sometimes we all are naughty.

as i walked through you being naughty (from time to time), i learned how easy it CAN BE to forgive someone you love so much.  you see, before you, forgiveness didn't always come easy to me.  but somehow, when it is your daughter, when it is your flesh and blood, forgiveness just comes.  it is easy and it is natural and it is swift.

and as i experienced that with you, my sweet girl, i learned to also receive it from MY father.  i realized that God feels that very same thing about me...  even when i can't stop doing the same thing...  over and over and over again.  each and every time He is able to draw me into His arms and say, "it's ok, tasha.  you'll get it.  maybe next time.  maybe next year.  but no matter what, i love you."

lastly, ellie girl, you've taught me joy.  you have a smile and a carefree heart, that when opened, lights up the world.  you illuminate a room and evoke giggles and smiles in ways i didn't know was possible. thank you for teaching me true authentic joy.

God calls us to live with this emotion at the forefront of our lives, but it is a choice.  when you choose joy, girl, the payout is huge.  thank you for eclipsing my heart with this emotion so many times.

your future is bright and i can't wait to see the next nine years and the nine after that...  an on and on.  it is pure pleasure, (ok...  there are SOME moments of parental pain but mostly pure pleasure), watching you grow.

and remember, the world will try and change you.  there will be things that push you or pull you in an attempt to get you off course.  but when you are YOU, when you are true to the beautiful young woman that God designed you to be, you will rock this place and bloom in amazing ways.

always in love with you,

mom

D bugs the not so much a baby anymore of the world

way back when delaney was little, i began calling her buggy.  i don't know where it came from, it's just one of those mommy nicknames that comes out of nowhere.  and it stuck.  much to my husband's dismay.

eventually, buggy morphed into d bugs.

one day on facebook i posted a picture and captioned it, d bugs the baby of the world.

which also stuck.

and so my little delaney is often called, "d bugs the baby of the world", in her special moments.

she was a great baby.  easy in every way.

this week i sent that baby girl off into the world.

kindergarten.

i tried to write about it several times last week and the words just wouldn't come out.

when scott and i walked her to school on that first day (last monday), he became misty eyed as she marched into the classroom glancing over her shoulder to flash us that "d bugs" smile and give a little wave.  daddy cracked first, so momma had to stay strong.

you can't have two weepy parents in the kindergarten lot.  it just isn't right and quite frankly, i've told myself for years that i'm not the "cry on the first day" sort of mom.

except i am.

shhh..

don't tell the girls.

i put on my brave face and tell them that this is what strong girls do.  they march off to school and into the doors and embrace the world.  i try to teach them to be bold.  to get dirty.  to play hard.  to share joy with the world and to celebrate the beauty all around them.

i don't talk much about fear.

that, we look in the face head on and tell it to back off.  it has no place in our lives.

except, right before my d cast me her brilliant smile and coy little wave, i saw this

and all i felt was fear.

and when i came home and tried to mark the entrance into kindergarten via this blog, the words just wouldn't come out.

i don't do "fear" well.  but fear is what i felt.  and this is what i wanted to say...

dear new teacher, 
d bugs the baby of the world is special.  extra special.  she is strong and independent, but fragile.  she won't show you her breakable side, but it is there.  speak kindly to her for her heart takes in the words that you give her and she mulls them and processes them and let's them penetrate.  kindness goes far, but harshness breaks her.  

she loves compliments and validation.  she needs it.  it stamps her with approval to be good and she is fueled by it.  if you love her and appreciate her, she will flourish.  but if you don't, she will wilt.  you won't see her wilt, for remember, she is strong.  but inside she will be crushed and the recovery process is long.  you can't undo damages to the heart.  they stick to her like glue.

she is filled with joy.  it bubbles out of her and spills onto the world. encourage this.  inspire this.  notice this.  her smile will warm your soul.  she can light up the world with the sparkle in her eyes.  find things that bring forth this sparkle.  let her shine.

she is always trying to catch her older sister.  in an effort to do so, she will fool you sometimes.  she puts on a big front and acts like she's got it all under control.  sometimes she does.  sometimes she doesn't.  notice her.  don't let her skim by on her just her smile.  make sure she learns and absorbs and pushes herself academically.  like i said, she'll try and fool you a bit because she just wants to be in 4th grade.  

let her giggle.  let her ask questions.  help her make friends.  protect her.  hug her.  smile at her often.  to you, she is one of 30.  to me, she is my d bugs the baby of the world.  

kindly,
a momma who isn't quite ready to let this one go

these words just wouldn't come this week.  it took me until this weekend, when we went to the beach and saw that she was still my same old buggy, for the words to free themselves from my fear.

and when i saw her catching sand crabs...

i knew my girl was going to be ok.  she puts up a good front.  she always, always does.

but this

was a sign to me that she is going to be just fine.