the value of friendship

my friend brandi, from college, posted this quote on facebook today:

"in friendship...we think we have chosen our peers.  in reality, a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting-any of these chances might have kept us apart.  but, for a christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances.  a secret master of ceremonies has been at work.  Christ, who said to the disciples, "ye have not chosen me, but i have chosen you," can truly say to every group of friends, "ye have not chosen one another but i have chosen you for one another."

the friendship is not a reward for our discriminating good taste in finding one another out.  it is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of another."  - CS Lewis

it has stuck with me all day.

friendship is a challenging, delicate relationship.  so often, we find ourselves asking, "what does this relationship give to ME?"  people fail us, and we find ourselves looking for what we get OUT of a relationship instead of looking for the beauty that is intricately found in those that surround us.  we become a "ME" culture so quickly and we neglect to look for the beauty that resides in every single soul that surrounds us.

i am guilty.

i have spent the better part of today examining the beauty in those that surround me.  and in doing so, i have found that beauty prevails.

it is easy to highlight the flaws of our friends.  naturally, we can identify the flaws of those that we do we life with.  we can feel shorted.  we can quickly feel slighted.  we can, in fact, find fault in anyone around us.

and those faults and shorts and flaws are probably true.  but what is also true, is their beauty.  each and every one of our relationships is lined with attributes that caused us to gravitate towards that person (or persons).  before we saw negative, our hearts gravitated towards the positive.

and so we get to choose.  do we allow our vision to perpetuate the negative?  or do we force our hearts to seek out the positive.  and taking it further, do we let the positive transform us?  do we allow the greatest parts of a person, in spite of their magnitude of flaws, penetrate our very inner core?

often, i believe, we do what is shallow and easy.  we adopt a nature of woundedness as we allow flaws in the human person to penetrate our inner being.  we take a look and let it equate ourselves to less than.  we take a comment, isolating it out of context, and let it tell us that we are not worth much.  we compare.  we evaluate.  with a negative eye, not even meaning to do so, we let our encounters define us.

but there is another way.  a much better and more intentional way- we can let each and every person we encounter transform us.  how?

it is easy.  easier said than done in reality- but easier.  we can dig deep and search for the very reason that a person is in our lives.  we can seek after the good and dismiss the bad that is entrenched in a persons' character.

and we can communicate.  sometimes, the very core of reality, lies in talking about how we perceive things/comments/non-verbal cues.  we shy away from this.  it feels awkward.  it is uncomfortable.  but at its' very core, communication, dismisses the lies that we tell ourselves about relational interactions.

but it requires bravery.

i am writing to myself here.  having been, and currently being in this situation, talking and asking and listening often gives way to a truth that you didn't let your soul hear.

and going back to CS Lewis- i don't believe anyone is in my inner circle by chance.  listening to them and letting my heart hear their truth is what transforms me.  in letting my soul absorb the emotion of those that surround me, i allow myself to be transformed.

transformation, albeit difficult, elevates each one of us.  the tricky part is that is doesn't include self-righteousness.  it embodies an ability to listen, accept that which rings true, reject which feels false, and a desire to change the parts of us that need changing.

i look at my friendship circles.  we all have so many as we grow older, and for me, i am thankful for each one of the people that are there.  in addition, i believe that so many are there because of a God ordained planned towards the refinement of me.

friendship is sacred to me, valued high on the pedestal.  but i have to ask myself (and i encourage you to do the same), "am i letting it transform me?".  "am i allowing the encounters i have with human beings beings be a part of a my story?"  or- "am i dismissing people, that have value, from my transformation process, because i focus on the negative and neglect to see the good that they add to my life?"