mercies in disguise

as so many of suburban momma's posts are, this one is prompted by lyrics.  listen.  then read.  listen again.  close your eyes and let your heart be open.



my heart swells with hurt right now.  so many news stories and so many personal stories are impacted by pain these days.  my heart breaks for syria,  for isreal, for friends in despair, for circumstances that are beyond our control and really just for other breaking hearts.



i sat in my car tonight listening to a random play list and this beautiful song filled my car.  i had sort of forgotten about it, but my heart felt it tonight.



we pray for blessings.  we pray for peace.  comfort for family, protection while we sleep.  we pray for healing, for prosperity.  we pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.


i have a dear friend who believes in a god but doesn't understand a god that allows us to experience pain.  i don't always have answers for her.  but tonight as my own personal heart is in a fragile place, i started to have a turn.  history has shown me that my heart draws closer to a very real God when my heart is breaking.


in reality, i want easy.  i want happy.  i long for the warm fuzzy moments of life.  but if i'm honest, those moments, the easy ones, don't always point me towards a very real personal relationship with God.  


it is in the moments of despair, it is in the moments of experiencing brokenness and darkness that my heart clings to my beloved Father.  


sometimes i forget that the God of happy, happy is also the God of sorrow.  and if i'm honest, i cling to him more in sorrow.


and all the while, you hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.


i am learning, as i grow older, that God is constant.  He wants good for us.  always.  but good doesn't always mean happy, peaceful or easy.  good, in God's eyes, means that we draw each breath from Him.  you might be the person that does this in spite of circumstances.  but for many, we need a reason to depend deeply on Him in order to breath.  that typically comes through trials.  


'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?


independence is something we have come to respect in our culture.  but i think something is lost in this respect.  it places a value on us- the "me culture" that is void of God.  in my almost 40 years, i have slowly learned that but for me, i am nothing.  but for Him, i can conquer the world.  because He conquered death.  He imparted His power in ME...  and WITH HIM, i can also conquer death.  


we pray for wisdom.  your voice to hear.  we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.  we doubt your goodness.  we doubt your love as if every promise from your word is not enough.  all the while you hear each desperate plea, yet long that we'd have faith to believe.


and we get all sorts of cray-cray when we don't feel HIM...  but maybe, it is simply because we are looking towards our own SELVES to be amazing.  we loose the fact that God is good.  we are not.  we are fallen.  we are not wise.  anger takes hold of our lives.  doubt permeates our every action.  we loose sight of who HE said He was and who HE proved to be when HE died on a cross and then rose again.


'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?


when friends betray us, when darkness seems to win we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not, our home.  it's not our home.


and we set our eyes on "winning" in this life...  but we forget that winning in HIS eyes...  that is achieved by living a life for HIM.  sometimes a life for HIM means loosing today.  sometimes a life for HIM means living a life that is nonsensical in they eyes of the world.  it means loving when it is hard.  it means sacrificing when it isn't recognized or appreciated.  it means surrender.


cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  


and it means being HIS, even in the rain.


what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?  what if trials of this life; the rain, the storms, the hardest nights; are your mercies in disguise?

life is filled with disappointments.    i hate that fact.  but it is so very true.  but what if, God, is waiting for us in our deepest disappointments?  what if, God, is sitting right there in our rain?  our storms?  and He has redemption for those moments?  i believe He does!  i have experienced this first hand in so many situations.  the cry of my heart is that I GRAB HOLD of THIS.  that I KNOW this.  that I feel THIS...  and that you might do so too.


after hearing this song tonight, my girlie emerged from her meeting and got into my car.  my thoughts were stopped and i went on to adjusting to the conversations that an 11 year old needs to have.  in many ways, the impact of those moments alone were lost.



but as i sit alone tonight, i grab hold of the lyrics in that song and feel truth.  God is good always.  He is good when things are happy, happy.  He is also good when things are not right.  and often, if i'm honest, i seek Him more... with a greater desperation and intensity, when things are asque.  it saddens me to realize this.  but maybe, just maybe, this isn't so sad or surprising to Him.  quite possibly, my life is less comfortable from time to time because a God that loves me ever so much, wants me to seek Him in ALL THINGS.



these are His mercies...  no longer in disguise.