from the beginning of my motherhood i have taken the same approach to apologies. it goes something like this:
when a sister in the buser house offends/hurts/violates another sister in the buser house (or another member of our community), i send them to the bathroom.
i got this idea from my sister stacy and i still stand behind the concept. i would send them to the nearest bathroom to discuss the situation. the idea behind it is that regardless of where you are, there is always a bathroom. in addition, discipline should be private. step one involves removing them from the scene of the crime ("go to the bathroom"). step two involves a discussion.
after momma has calmed down from the event (which usually takes a few minutes for me to get my head on straight), i join them in the bathroom. behind closed doors, we discuss. it gives the kiddo time to calm. it gives the momma time to calm and then it allows for private discussion.
the initial conversation allows me to see where they were coming from. it allows for this momma to see why they feel justified in their words or actions, because, let's face it, we usually feel justified. and then after that, it allow me to speak in. it allows me to represent the other side. it allows me private space to challenge. it usually begins with, "how did you show love when you...". good conversations happen in the bathroom. almost always my kiddos see the errors of their ways. they get space to understand that their lens isn't always the only lens. hard? yes? but valuable time and perspective comes from flipping the switch on how they view a situation and how the receiver sees the situation. almost always, they see that they were short sighted in their response.
typically, when we emerge from the bathroom, an apology is to be given by my child. even if the deeds of the other party were greater than their own. yikes. it is dicey but i try to emerge from the bathroom with the kid prepared to own their part in the conflict.
once released, they are instructed to approach the other party with an apology script. it usually goes like this:
"i'm sorry for.....". they apologize. they make right. they verbalize their role in the conflict. and almost always it is half-hearted and almost always is half-heatedly received. a trust issue brews. the offending (sent to the bathroom) child feels slightly forced to apologize and the recipient feels this too.
the recipient of the apology is then required to say, "i forgive you".
this worked when they were two. it worked when they were four. but at eleven, i contemplate if a lack of authenticity rings through for both parities.
today i was running alone (lord help me) and listening to my play list which has been impacted by my sixth grader. the following lyrics jumped right out of my phone and into my heart:
"band aids don't fix bullet holes. you say sorry just for show. if you live like that you live with ghosts. if you love like that blood runs cold."
it gave me pause. literally. i stopped running and thought through the profoundness of those word. my heart resonated with it. sorry that isn't heart felt is FELT. you KNOW when someone says sorry "just to make peace". it is a starting point, for sure, but if it isn't sincere, the recipient knows it.
the next song in my play list was APOLOGIZE by one republic. (yes. i know. i'm turning the big 4-0 next month. my play list is not up for discussion here. another time. another place.)
"it's too late to apologize. it's too late. i said, it's too late to apologize. it's too late."
and once again it paused me in my tracks. at some point is "i'm sorry" too late?
for sure, we have all been in both places. we have all been in the pseudo apology that is forced. we have all experienced the apology that didn't come at a time when our hearts were ready to feel/hear it.
and yet, the art of the apology is something we must all embrace.
so what wins? is there a magic formula that gives us the band aid for the bullet hole and the timing that doesn't leave us "too late"?
lord help us, we are going to be on both sides of this coin many a day in our lives.
i think it comes down to three things: timing, lens shift, and pride.
hear me out.
an apology cannot be forced upon exiting the bathroom. it could when you were two. it can't when you're older. we need to really feel sorry before we express it. it doesn't make for easy apologies with kiddos, but it truly needs to be heartfelt before it expressed.
second, as humans, we need to be more reflective. we need to be more willing to try on our counterparts shoes. wear them. walk around in them. really feel them. in someone else's shoes we can begin to understand how our actions presented in someone else's viewpoint. shift the lens. see our actions in their eyes. challenging. fo shizzle. but eye opening? always!
lastly, pride comes into play. can we see our wrong-doings or does pride get in the way of our ability to see our true selves? and on the flip-side, does pride negate the apology of those that have wronged us? does it control our hearts in ways that "i'm right" dominates over "there was a kinder way"?
i'm not sure how this all translates to the buser bathroom discipline model, but after my ponderings today i am beginning to think that i need to focus less on finding "a peaceful solution immediately" to seeking out an "authentic solution that happens quickly".
authenticity wins in my book. forced might be an adaptation of pseudo that i am not comfortable.
and while i don't have a song in my play list...
"i forgive you" should be a part of every one's vocabulary. and at some point, we should all realize that "i forgive you" means that the issue is finished. (john 19:30)
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