moments to cherish

my eldest girl turned 11 this week.  11!  it caused me great pause to consider that i have been a mum for eleven years.  and as i paused, my head flooded with thoughts.

going into the motherhood, i had no idea what this gig was all about.  i didn't have any comprehension that it was about watching your heart beat outside of yourself.  i had no clue that it would include so much trial and error.  i couldn't have guessed that the highs would feel so thrilling and that the lows would hurt so much.  i never imagined that she would teach me so much about myself and my husband, all in such beautiful ways.

i am lucky.

my e, like all children, has been an amazing blessing.  she came into this world with colic.  who would have imagined that my first months in the motherhood would be about teaching me patience and an appreciation for being the one that is "not in control"?  we all survived those first few months of blissful day times and torturous nights.  i wasn't always sure that we would.  but in the process of survival i began to see that the best laid plans don't always come to fruition and that each person on this planet has their own space.  space that is uniquely theirs.  there were moments that i resented her space.  there were moments that i didn't understand her incessant crying.  but in hindsight, i can say that we are stronger for having survived months of learning that plans are plans and reality is reality.  it is best to yield to reality and let expectations and plans fall to the wayside.  even in the process their is much joy to be found.

as a toddler, my ellie girl was a rule follower.  i could tell her not to go into the street and she would obey.  i could tell her that b says bah and she would memorize it and recite it.  when she pulled on the curtains, i could tell her "no" and she would oblige.  she was smart and eager to please.

later, she proved to be flexible.  we could move muffin across the globe and she would march into her new surroundings with confidence and determination.  i had a moment of sadness on her first day of kindergarten in california when she didn't look back, just a few days shy of landing in these new surroundings, and taking her school by storm.  but then i realized that she was the girl that we had grown her to be- not fearful, strong and ready to face the next challenge ahead.

when we moved her into a new school in second grade, she followed suit and did the same.  she held her head high and proceeded with an "i can do" attitude.  i worried unnecessarily from the sidelines, but my girl was able to stride through without fear.

this year, i sent her off into the land of middle school.  secretly, i was filled with anxiety and worry.  i knew she didn't have a lot of peers in her classes and i was terrified that she would run home on day one needing shelter from the newness and less than familiar faces.  i was wrong.  she returned home confident and cheerful.

she is different from her mother.  she doesn't need a large social network.  she longs for approval from a smaller circle.  she isn't the girl that smiles and greets and makes lots of friends fast, but she is the girl that over time makes friendships that run deep.

my worry is in vein.  she is her own self.  she is rocking out life with the tools we have equipped her with and transforming them into her own translation  that suits her needs.

i can't begin to imagine how we have arrived at this place where 11 years of parenthood are under our belt and that we have less than 7 years with her before she graduates into an adult.  but it is true.  and as i watch her, i can stand in confidence that she will take it by storm.

i can't define it.  i don't have control over it.  i have influence.  and i have confidence that her keen observation skills of her successful father and her sometimes crazy but often fun momma will be a driving force.  i also stand with great appreciation to our Heavenly Father for calling her heart to His at an early age and knowing that His plans are far greater than mine.

suddenly, i can't wait to see the space in this world that my girl carves out for herself.  it is like being engrossed in a great novel and wanting to get as quickly to the end as you can so that you can see how the story turns out, while at the very same time savoring every page because the story is so intriguing that you never want it to end.