stacy

i will start with this... i don't want to do this anymore. writing about my life is difficult and at many points since the start of blogging has felt, well, pointless. who cares about my life and why in the world does anyone want to read about the stuff that hits my brain? but each time i feel that way, each time i think about pulling the plug and stopping the sharing of the hard truths of life, God pulls me back and whispers in my ear to go forward. (this is a part one of a many part series, i am certain.)

my sister has cancer.

three times over the past two years i have found myself in the office of a doctor having lumps in my own breasts checked for cancer. three times, i have been given a bill of clean health. praise God! but back in may my sister was not given the same diagnosis. that has been hard for me and i have to keep refraining from asking why this has to be part of her story. God's big enough for that question, but i've learned over time that the better question is, "God, how are you going to use this for your glory?" i stand confident knowing that he will.

i should tell you a little about my sister. we didn't grow up digging each other so much. in fact, we had a tumultuous relationship. there were periods where we didn't speak. but back in the summer of 1997 a lot changed. i was engaged to a boy that lived in camp hill, pa. i was young and very much thought i was in love. and as it would happen, my sister moved to the neighboring town. i lived in my boyfriend's town for the summer and spent a lot of time with my sister, who was lonely, new to the area and at home with her newborn preemie (my beloved nephew benjamin).

it's funny as i look back on that time now and think about the relevance of that relationship in my life. i've asked God a few times about why in the world i went through that engagement and breakup and its purpose to my life story. today, the answer became clear to me.

that summer was a very challenging period of my life. i was living alone in an apartment, working opposite schedules of my boyfriend, working two jobs and never seeing the person i wanted to be with. as it turns out, i spent a lot of my time with my sister. over the course of that summer, she and i embarked on the journey of friendship. we would play cards, play with my nephew and chat.

towards the end of the summer, my relationship with my fiance ended. it was painful. but my sister was there to help me begin the process of piecing my life back together. i went back to school for my fall semester of student teaching and then graduated in december. somewhere between august and december, my sister and her husband invited me to come live with them. it's odd how it happened and at the time sort of felt like a cop-out move on my part. but i went anyway because i was sort of hoping that by being in close proximity to my ex we might be able to work things out. if you had said that was the reason i went back then, i would have told you that you were wrong. but looking back, that was the reason. and it was easy. i had two jobs that i could go back to, a place to live with my sister and the ability to restore a relationship that i wasn't convinced was over.

and so in january of 1998, i moved into my sister's home with her husband and my nephew. i lived there until the day that i moved to atlanta in august. through those eight months, i began to KNOW my sister and for the first time in my life, i enjoyed being with her in ways that i hadn't imagined were possible. (that might be hard to read as most siblings feel some sort of connection- but our journey was different and is way too much to unpack on this blog.)

after living with her, after an adult opportunity to really get to know her, i fell in love. she supported me while i was a hot mess. she didn't judge the decisions that i was making (in spite of the fact that anyone could have). she just loved me through it and was there for me. she supported me and listened as i tried to sort out my situation. for the first time in our relationship, i leaned on her and knew that she would not let me fall. in fact, it was her that encouraged me to take flight by moving to atlanta and following my passions. that road led to my beautiful husband, and in so many ways i have my sister to thank for that.

somewhere between pa and atlanta, i set my course in a different direction and got back on track to a normal productive life. my sister was with me through it all.

at the time that i moved to atlanta, my sister moved to the burbs of philly. she was pregnant with my second nephew, seth and her husband was embarking on a career path change. she proceeded to have six babies. for most of them, i was there by her side to help with her family, meet the new babe, and celebrate with her. the birth of my sisters fourth baby is especially memorable to me. my nephew was given a diagnosis of trisomy 18 at 21 weeks. at that time, i was living in chicago, far removed from my life in camp hill. in fact, i was engaged to my hubby and planning our october wedding. my sisters path and nephews diagnosis rattled me. it rattled me so much that i set out to do whatever it took to be present for his birth. God freed up some time in my life so that i was able to be there for his birth, several parts of his life, and the celebration of his death (celebration is a funny word to write- but it was! when God called that beautiful little boy home, i saw Christ in amazing ways that would write His love on my heart in ways that are undeniable, hard, and true.)

my mind gets blurred at this point- but i need to tell you, that if it weren't for my relationship with my sister, having had her been there for me in so many stages of my life, i don't know how i would face today.

as i said, i have often wondered where that engagement plays out in my story. i've asked God a million times, "why did that have to part of my story? couldn't i have just met the wonderful husband that i have today without having had walked through that other part? couldn't God just have given me scott without having this "failure" relationship as part of my history?"

he could have. i say that with certainty. but as i look back on it today, years later, i find myself thankful. because without it, i would not know my sister for the woman, mother, christian, friend that she truly is. if i had not said "yes" to the man that would not end up being the perfect man for me, i would not have the relationship that i have with my sister today. as she walks her cancer journey, i would not be intimately connected with her. i would not love her with the unconditional love, all encompassing love that i truly have for her. we would always be sisters, but the relationship would never be a part of my soul in the way that it is. it was in this realization that it became clear- this is how God used that part of my life for His glory. i know that without that era in my life, i wouldn't be bonded with her as i am today. i praise Him for that and for the fact that our relationship has even further blossomed over the years. i know that this bond we have between us brings glory to Him. He desires for us to be in unity and only He could have known how being in the same location at the same time could rewrite the path that my sister and i were on. He took it from broken and restored it. i am forever thankful.

today as i spoke with her, talked to family members that are by her side, and ached for her, i became clear of two things. the first is that God wants me to tell my story. he prompted me several years back to share my cancer scare on this very blog. i don't know why or how or the relevance of that in my life just yet, but i know it will unfold with time. i speculate that it could have something to do with the compassion that God stirred in me as i sat in that waiting room or the gentle reminder that we just don't know what the girl next to us is going through... when someone is rude at the till in the grocery store, or we get a honk in traffic... we just don't know their reality. it's easy to be fussed with others, but we just don't know what they face as they travel through the day. the human condition is a complicated thing and it would do us all a bit of good to just throw grace at the world with reckless abandon. i'm still fleshing this one out, but these are just a few thoughts that are floating between my ears today.

the second is that God uses everything in our lives for a purpose. nothing is irrelevant. nothing is not part of His plan. being engaged and having that engagement end was difficult beyond words, but the glimmer of light that emerged was a relationship that i could not have placed value on back then but see clearly today. as i think of my sister's cancer, i stand confident that it has purpose. the beauty of my sister is that i know she'll embrace it. me... i would have done some feet stomping and some fist pounding worrying about why, but her? she's not like that. she takes what looks like lemons to many and lets God make the most tasty lemonade you have ever experienced. the best part? she means it.

do you believe that life has purpose? do you know that God works even through the biggest trials in amazing ways? he does. i promise you that if you let Him, he can make tasty lemonade out of your life's lemons, too. and as much as i wish my sister didn't have to walk this path, as much as i want to have answers and know why this is part of her story, i stand confident knowing that He will bring forth fruit from it.

as i've been lingering in my thoughts, God directed me to 1 corinthians chapter 2 (vs. 6-13)...

we, of course, have plenty of wisdom to pass on to you once you get your feet on firm spiritual ground, but it's not popular wisdom, the fashionable wisdom of high-priced experts that will be out-of-date in a year or so. God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of His purposes. you don't find it lying around on the surface. it's not the latest message, but more like the oldest- what God determined as the way to bring out His best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. the experts of our day haven't a clue about what this eternal plan is. if they had, they wouldn't have killed the Master of the God-designed life on a cross. that's why we have this scripture text:

no one's ever seen or heard anything like this,

never so much imagined anything quite like it-

what God has arranged for those who love him.

but you've seen and heard it because God by His spirit has brought it all out into the open before you. the Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along. who ever knows what you're thinking and planning except yourself? the same with God- except that He not only knows what he's thinking, but he lets us in on it. God offers a full report on the gifts of life and salvation that He is giving us. we don't have to rely on the world's guesses and opinions. we didn't learn this by reading books or going to school, we learned it from God, who taught us person-to-person through Jesus, and we're passing it on to you in the same firsthand, personal way.

and so, while i considered pushing the "delete" button on this 'lil 'ol blog 'o mine, i have come to see that this is also part of my story. by sharing the hard that my family is experiencing, i hope that you see Jesus in a personal way. i pray that is true.

if you'd like to see a glimpse of how God is working in my sister, i'd like to invite you to follow her blog and see for yourself. it brings me to my knees on a daily basis.