once, twice, three times a laney

my d turned 3 this week. when asked about her birthday in the weeks leading up to it she was emphatic about two things.

"i want a bike party!" (leaving her mother very confused about what such a party looks like)

and

"i want a rainbow cake."

we decided that with 50 degree temps, traveling friends and a rainy season upon us, we would throw the party in june for her half birthday (a much more fitting time for a bike party and thus allowing her momma some time to come up with a better idea of what this might entail. truth be told i love planning a party, so i've come up with a bunch of the details are already. but the weather, that was out of my control.)

but for the now, i was determined to figure out this rainbow cake thing.

after a bit of time on the net and digging deep into the memory banks to recall an idea i read about more than a year ago.... voila! a rainbow cake for my colorful little girlie.

my d was a little bit sick on her big day, but she did her best to enjoy the family festivities. she was tickled when we cut into her white cake with a skittles rainbow on top to discover a true rainbow inside.

and with watery eyes, a runny nose, and some coughs... my d determined to choose the sunny side of life. she was delightful- dancing around the room with her new apron (to help her momma make the rainbow cakes of the future, or course), practicing splits with her new ballet barbie, setting up pet shops and vowing to share all of her new toys with her older sister. it was a sight to see.

and to my d-

while i love watching you grow, i secretly admit that i will miss some things from your toddler hood. as your pronunciations become more clear, i often silently mourn the last time i will hear your little voice push out words like "beckbest" and "slumpy club". when you put your shoes on the wrong feet day after day (intentionally) i smile to myself because it is such a "d" thing to do and it brings you great joy. but lately, you've been wanting to get it right. sigh. the end of an era.

year two has been marked by chatter. your little head starts going the minute it lifts from the pillow and doesn't stop until we've said our darth vader version of "now i lay me". it leaves me tired and feeling a lot like i can't even squeeze a thought of my own into my head, but is beautiful none-the-less. it shows that you care about the world and your questions emphasize the giant sized thoughts that are going on in your mind. you are processing it all and leave nothing left unasked. you ask me when if i am breaking or pushing the gas pedal, where rain comes from and why clouds are in the sky. you aks about palm trees and wires running alongside of the road up in the sky. you ask about song lyrics and are very interesting in the meanings of words. you love wrapping your mind around them and then pushing them back into conversations later on. my favorite "d" phrase of the year is when you declared something to be "outrageous". i smile to myself when i think of it and never want to forget these moments. while your non-stop questioning tires me out, i try to imagine the teenage years and say silent prayers that you'll never stop talking to your dear ole' momma and sharing your thoughts and asking your questions.

and speaking of darth vader prayers, you have melted my heart this past year. as your momma struggled with how much to share with you about auntie stacy and her cancer experience, you have embraced each and every moment. because of your open heart, we've shared a great deal with you. each and every night, i find myself pushing back tears as you openly pray for her healing, for her strength, for her head not to be cold and for her kids to be absent of fear. you pray for uncle barclay and for grandy, that they would be strong and good helpers. i wonder how this will define you and if i could see into the future, i imagine that it has helped elevate your compassion. it has always been in you, but this has just taken it to the next level. for you my dear, i pray that you never loose the gift of caring and seeing other's needs. that is a special gift and i believe it will be a guiding force in your life, sweet girl.

i could go on and on about my d, but for now, i'll wrap it up. happy birthday, laney-lou. your momma and daddy are so in love with YOU.

a shell and a penny

grab a cup of coffee, curl up and get cozy because this one is going to be a long one.

it starts with a story that leads to another story that ends with a final story. it's that long.

the first part:

from the first day of my life to the present day, my mom has remained constant in one of her daily activities. she wakes early and spends time in The Word. after she does this, she goes for a walk. picture this. my mom walks with a cane and has since my birth. because of this, her shoulders hunch over a bit and her gaze is directed at the ground. she has to look down with each step that she takes, planting her cane carefully on the ground in a stable spot. as she walks each morning, she prays. my mom is prayerful about everything. everything! her morning walk is like a walk with a close friend. she gives her needs to the Lord and He meets with her each day during this time. i know this because of a cloth bound book that she has tucked into the side pocket of her desk. the book is filled with prayers that she has given over to God and then at the top of each page there is a penny taped down. these pennies are incredibly special to her. it is sort of her little love language with her Father. you see, as she has prayed over the years, looking down as she walks, she has found pennies along the way. to her, these pennies mark the moments when she has seen the hand of God in her life. there is a penny that marks the moving from new york to virginia. there is a penny that marks her prayers for my sister during a time when my sister lived with my dad. there is a penny that shows God's presence in the marital choices for her daughters. pennies for financial needs, pennies for emotional needs, pennies for missionaries in foreign countries... lots and lots of pennies. it is a beautiful illustration of how God knows us intimately and speaks to each of us in ways that are specific to our needs. my Father in heaven knew that my mom would be looking down and so somehow over the years He spoke into her heart and showed her that He values their time together each morning and that He is with her.

my sister highlighted this years ago and i am reminded of it frequently. when i see pennies on the ground i think of my mom. they aren't my pennies as this is not how God speaks to me, but they remind me that God knows me and that just as He met my mom in their time together, He is faithful and meets me in my own time with Him. i smile and find great comfort when i see a penny on the ground.

the second part:

this past spring my family took a trip to florida. last year my dad and scott's dad both bought homes in florida. we went to visit both of them (one on the atlantic side and the other on the gulf). the trip didn't go exactly how i had anticipated. while it was filled with some beautiful moments, this momma made some fatal mistakes in my planning. i had hoped that d could handle a big girl bed and that p would fall into a sleep rhythm that was compatible with the new time zone. neither of those things happened. and so the tone of the trip was set by sleeplessness. if you combine two very tired parents and three sleepless children, well, the sum is not pretty.

on the day that we were to travel home, i was spent. my hope for a restful and relaxing trip had not come into fruition. my desire to bask in the sun for just a few short hours in a lounge chair never happened. instead, i had circles under my eyes and was longing for a pair of ruby red slippers. on our last day there, i stood on the beach and tried to savor a moment with my girls. d was frolicking in the waves, p was eating sand and e was collecting shells. in spite of my tired, i took in the beauty of this scene. as i stood there, feeling very much alone, e handed me a shell. instead of placing it into her bucket like she had all the rest, she placed this one into my hand.

"mommy, isn't this one pretty?"

i looked down at what she had handed me. it was a piece of a shell with a small swirl of beige. there were no ridges on this shell, instead, this one had been worn down by the waves. i pictured it being beaten down over and over as it rolled back and forth with the tide. years of this caused the shell to become smooth.

i told e that this was such a special shell. she asked me to put it into the pocket of my rolled up pants. i obliged.

a few moments later, i looked down and there glistening in the sun was something unusual. it was a penny. the head of president lincoln had bubbled a bit and the entire surface of the coin was covered in tiny bits of sand. i smiled and thought of my mom. then i placed it into my pocket alongside the shell. as i continued to watch my girls play, my hands kept fingering these two objects. one smooth, the other rough.

as i tried to imagine what the rest of our day looked like... packing the bags back up, driving to the airport and then settling in for a long flight, i turned to prayer. as i prayed, i admit, i did some whining. i remember asking God, very much like a child, why does it have to be so hard. can't anything be easy, God? i remember thinking about going "home" to this rental house in california so very far away from everything that i had ever known. was that my "home" now? was i going to be a vagabond forever? would it feel like "home"? why was it all so unsettling? would i ever feel rested?

and just as i let that out, i fingered the coin and the shell again. in that moment my head swirled with thoughts that could only come from God.

those thoughts went something like this: tasha, that penny is a reminder. i am with you. i have been your whole life. feel those grits of sand and that swollen head of lincoln? that's evidence of that. for 34 years i have been with you in the storms of life. in the disappointments, in the challenges, in the celebrations and in the joy. even when it would seem impossible that i could stand by you- i stick to you and adhere myself to you. when you chose me to be your Lord, i said i would do that. those grits of sand stuck to a penny are evidence of that. and that shell? that shows you how in the hard i am doing a work in you. i am polishing you, smoothing out your rough edges, making you more like my image with each day. each crash in the waves is marked by these two things: i am with you and it is for a purpose.

tears sprang into my eyes and while i felt like i was certainly going to have to go through many more waves to be polished, smooth, Christ-like; i praised Him for being there. i celebrated in knowing that my Father could put a shell and a penny into my pocket and direct my eyes towards Him. and suddenly, in a moment where i had felt very alone, i knew that i was being carried.

the final part:

i came home from florida and put that penny and that shell on my dresser. i had anticipated telling that story on my blog as soon as i could get home and take a picture of them. but somehow a few days passed and it just didn't happen. a few months later, i got around to taking a picture of them. i uploaded it and then went on to write about it. but something just didn't feel right. i kept feeling like the story wasn't ready to be told. maybe it wasn't finished?

eventually i moved them to a spot next to my laptop. they sat there for months. i looked at them from time to time, but it was as if the moment was lost. it was as if i just couldn't feel the essence of the experience anymore. maybe it wasn't worth retelling.

and then last week, i picked them up. i was cleaning up my kitchen for a party and wanted to move them to a safer spot. it just so happened that as i was moving them an email came in on my laptop from my realtor. the email contained some information about our closing, walk through etc. on the home that we were about to purchase. with the penny and the shell in my hand, i read the email.

and then i paused, fingering the objects once again.

it was another beautiful moment. you see, it was if God was showing me... tasha, remember what i spoke into your heart? do you remember the waves and my presence? i knew then that i would walk this path with you. i knew that you needed to be a vagabond in california to feel the full appreciation for what i am blessing you with. sure, you could have just moved from house to house and not had to go through this waiting period. but then, you wouldn't have seen me in the same way. you wouldn't have known that My hand is the hand that guides you and that My plan far better than any other.

i smiled. isn't God so good? He knows each of us so well, and this should come as no surprise as He is the hand that formed us. from the dust (or pebbles of sand) he formed us all and breathed life into us. and for each of us, He has a plan.

and so today, with a penny and a shell in my pocket, i have been handed the keys to my new home. the very home we had stopped looking for, the very home we weren't going to look at, the one that we were terrified to write an offer on... the short sale that got back to us in two weeks, the inspection that went better than we could have imagined... the details all worked out by the same God that knew this all way back when scott and i sat around a fire pit in michigan and said, "should we do this? are we open to moving to california?"

the same God that planted a baby in my belly just weeks before we took our first home buying trip to the east bay, the same God that walked me through the car accident of my mom that almost caused us to say... "no way, we can't do this". He knew. He walked with us. He went before us.

and while on this journey i have certainly rebelled. i have certainly cried out, "i don't want to do this!"... He has peppered that road with friendships, with smiles, with little assurances that He is very much caring for our every need.

today, it is clear, on this earth i am very much a vagabond. but a vagabond with a great travel agent- the agent that plans my stay in each and every spot where we land. today i land in this house and know that it is certain that my time in the waves is not over. but one thing is also for sure- He knows me, loves me and will never forsake me. not even in the waves.

welcome home.

the tale of a wee little piggy

my baby

is turning into a toddler.

i don't know what it is, but my sitter sent me this picture last friday and i haven't looked at my p-nut the same way since. she just looks so... so, grown. i'm not sure how pig-tails can catapult a child into a new era, but i'm here to say, they do!

sweet p, in your first piggy-tails ever, you are the twinkle in your momma's eye, the song in my heart, the crows feet coming from my eyes and the dimple in my smile. (just kidding there on number 3... well, not really but it is with such joy that i wear those stinkin' facial adornments...)

lest you think i was missing in action...

nope, not missing! just enjoying the season...

i had such high hopes of rhyming out this post to the tune of the 12 days of christmas. regrettably, my clever thoughts have ceased. currently, i am just happily pooped from all this celebrating.



we've had a very busy, action packed month. i think it is fair to say, we've been engaged in this joyous holiday season.



at the beginning of the month we participated in our first hanukkah celebration. my friend and babysitter, laura, invited our family to celebrate with her family. we lit the candles, enjoyed good food and played a little game of dreidel. i loved this start to our very celebratory month. it was so beautiful to see this young couple starting to create their own "family" traditions. we were blessed by them and delighted to be invited to share in the miracle of the oil with them.

also early in the month, scott and i traveled to sonoma to visit my dear friend stephanie. she and her husband were vacationing here for a few days and included us in their time away from home. we lunched, tasted wine, enjoyed some fabulous scenery and savored our time together.

and then there was some celebrating to kick off opening day of candy cane lane. gathering with friends, taking in the light displays presented by each home owner on this quaint street, enjoying tasty treats and watching the kiddos get caught up in the excitement of the season was great fun.

e, d and i took in a viewing of the nutcracker at the bankhead theater. watching d observe her first live stage performance was entertaining. it was especially fun to see her recognize the music from her own ballet class (where they've been working on their own little performance). her eyes lit up and she yelled for all of the theater to hear, "momma, that's MY song that I dance to!" e, an old pro at stage performances, but new to the ballet was also in awe. she loved how she could follow along in spite of the lack of words.

and then we took in a super fun holiday party with face painters, balloon artists, performing christmas trees, nutcracker characters and a little seat on santa's lap.

a few days later, i was delightfully entertained by d's rendition of the nutcracker. you can only imagine how much this little lady and a certain momma enjoyed this day. initially, i was a little miffed when the teacher suggested that siblings not attend (pushing me into a babysitter scramble) but after 45 minutes of undivided attention directed at my middle daughter, i became unmiffed. she soaked up the attention, while i enjoyed giving it. note to self, this little muffin needs more time with her momma without any distraction. i forget that sometimes. this was a beautiful reminder.

and then there was a cookie exchange with some of my most favorite people in this pleasant town of pleasanton.

and the celebrations ended with a delightful tea at mops (mothers of preschoolers). it has been a good month so far, and thankfully, the festivities aren't over yet.

it's a BIG day

today is a BIG day! i've been waiting for it and praying for it for years. but not as much as this girl...


readers, meet leslie. i've talked about her before. once when i put a bottle of bubbly into my fridge and once when i took it out to toast with her.

i could go on and on about this woman, but instead of gushing about her, today i am going to gush with her. as i write, she is up in the air headed for ethiopian soil. that's right, my dear sweet friend left today and will fly through the night (making a few stops) to end up in ethiopia tomorrow evening. she is on the journey of a lifetime.

she and her equally fantastic hubby (for real, he was an urban education legend in chicago and now is the principal of a school in iowa) are about to meet their new daughter. baby girl is about to meet her momma and daddy for the first time. i tingle and tear up as i write that. momma and daddy are about to meet their daughter. sniffle, sniffle. can i get a tissue, please?

if you are a praying type, please join me in praying for them. you see, they get to meet her, they get to hold her and then they have to leave her. i almost can't stand it. after they meet sweet baby girl, they go before the judge, possibly meet members from baby girl's family and then they come back home to wait some more. a few weeks after this initial appointment, they will do it all over again to pick her up.

at home in iowa, are their two sweet boys, oliver and eli. they are waiting just as patiently in the care of their grandparents.

i can't do justice to how i feel about all of this, but let me just say that i am ecstatic, anxious, sweaty palmed, teary...

cue a story that i suggested i would share with you a long time ago but never got around to until right now- i am part of an email based prayer group. excuse me, what?

well, you see a few years ago, back when e was a babe i was part of a bible study at my church in chicago. it was an unusual group as our church was filled with lots of young people. in fact, the majority of the 200 or so people that attended the church were singles. eventually, those singles married, and eventually those marrieds had babies. i was the momma to baby 5 or 6 in the whole church. i'm not kidding. anyways, it wasn't your typical church and certainly not the typical bible study. we were all new moms and we were all trying to figure the whole thing out together, with God. at the end of year one, our little group grew from 6 moms to 14 moms. and from there it continued to grow. about the time i moved to the burbs, several of the other moms that i was close with moved to other places as well. a few of them remained in the city. but the common factor was that we missed each other. for about 2 1/2 years we had studied the word together, played together, prayed together, celebrated birthdays, shared the births of subsequent children... basically, we did life together. it was beautiful. and then it all changed. we found ourselves missing each other a great deal.

after a while a few of us came up with a plan. we decided that we needed to find a way to keep up with each other regularly and that we missed knowing that we were being covered in prayer each week. that was the birth of the on-line prayer group. and so now, 3 1/2 years later, we pray together via email. each week we send out a little update and our current praises and prayers. we compile the list, send it out with a typed prayer and then commit to praying for each other throughout the week. it is a gift beyond measure.

leslie is part of that group. and so for me, this isn't just my friend getting to meet her daughter, this is my friend who has intimately invited me into her God story. i've been blessed with the opportunity to see the entire story unfold, week by week, year by year. as leslie rejoices at how far God has brought them from taking those first steps and anxiously awaits the day she gets to lay baby girl's little body into her already linened crib, i get to participate.

and it's funny, because anytime that i wonder about the mystery of prayer, i think of sweet leslie. i think of baby girl. i see how God let me in on that story and how mathew 18:19 plays out...

when two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my father in heaven goes into action. and when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that i'll be there. (the message translation)

because of my participation in this journey, i not only get to rejoice with leslie, but i also get to rejoice with my Father. in addition, i get this confidence in the power of prayer. from what i've seen, i know that prayer isn't always met with the answer we want or the path that we might have chosen, but God is always there. it has also been clear to me that His answer and His path is always better than anything we might imagine.

and so tonight, i ask you if you would join me in the mystery and beauty of prayer. my sweet leslie hates to fly. seriously. i'm also pretty sure that the caretakers at the orphanage might have to break leslie's hands in order to get baby girl back. i can feel her heart break for the family that is giving her this gift of life. i can feel her nerves as she stands before a judge and pledges to care for this child. i can feel her ache as she misses her boys back home. that's a lot of praying, but i'm confident that the God who planted the seed to adopt in leslie and jake's head, the God who walked them down this path, the God that chose this baby girl for these parents and siblings, that God... He's listening and He'll be there.

i'll cry if i want to

i keep taking video clips of my girls to share with ya'll, but trust me when i say they don't turn out well. the phone rings, the doorbell chimes, the un-videod child interupts... or what have you.

you know, like this:

thanksgiving, 2010

last year i told you all about how i'm not much of a thanksgiving fan. a year later, i would like to retract that statement. yes, folks, i have become a fan of the big day.

on tuesday i began the adventure and brinned our 19 lb. friend tom. it was a little dicey as i had no idea what i was doing. but teamed up with my friend marcie, we pulled off our rookie thanksgiving. it was wonderful! yup, i'm a convert.

and that was just the beginning of an amazing, full, fantastic, exciting, joyful, weekend. on friday we went to tilden park in berkely to meet up with my chicago friend sarah and her family. lucky for us, sarah's family celebrates a mini-family reunion in the area every year. we had a lovely time and our two girlies (who played together as babes) picked up right where they left off.

i'm not sure what this meeting entailed, but hannah and ellie were leading the charge. max and delaney were eager to participate. it was adorable.

on the way home, i discovered this little sign in the side of a hill. it summed up my emotion!

the next morning, as we headed out on another adventure, we saw this little prize in the sky.

d was a little thirsty, so she caught some raindrops.

and after we experienced all the fun we could handle, we headed to a fish market for some good eats to take home with us... fresh squid for calamari. my hubby, the master deep fryer, made a delectable treat for us all to enjoy.

and one of our babes crashed before we left the parking lot. i think it is fair to say we wore this one out.

and what could evoke these precious smiles?

jiffy pop, of course!

and if all of that wasn't enough, we topped off the weekend with the trimming of the tree.

i think it is fair to say that i have a lot to be thankful for!

an open door

back in february, i experienced a day that was clearly marked by moments that when strung together had God's hand print written all over them. i could tell you the very long story, but i promise you it would take a tons of time. instead, you'll just have to take my word for it (and thank me for sparing you from a ten page post... i promise this one could be long anyway). basically, two words were being cemented into my heart. vagabond and known. what??? you should also know that both of these messages originated from a conversation with my sister. you should also know that neither of them ended with her. that's important because it was a such a layered, twisted, cool way in which God spoke to me. it wasn't audible but it was clear.


VAGABOND! KNOWN!


let me explain what those two words meant to me- at the time the two biggest cries of my heart were to find a home and to develop friendships. the house thing was driving me bonkers. we were just a few months away from the end of our lease, just a few more months away from the "need to close on a house" date established by scott's company and to complicate matters, i felt very much alone in the world- like nobody knew me. i felt like everywhere i went i was auditioning for the role of friend. it sucked.


anyways, on that day in february, it was clear that God did not want us to buy a house at that time. i didn't know how it was all supposed to shake out (and at times, didn't really listen to what i knew He was telling me) but that was the deal. "tasha, you're going to feel a bit like a vagabond here for a while. that's ok. you're going to be fine. oh, and by the way, i've got all the details covered." i'm putting words to this as God didn't speak this to me, but the peace that those words suggest swept through my core at the time. i can't explain it- but that's just how it happened. i was overwhelmed with this feeling and at the core of the feeling was "vagabond" wrapped in peace.


and smack dab in the middle of God swirling me up in this new housing concept, He sent me another message... tasha, you are KNOWN. i feel like this part of the story actually could benefit from some of the details. a girl i was getting to know, robin, called me out of the blue and left me a message (while i was on the other line opening up to my sister about how lonely i was and she was committing to me to pray for friendships). the message went something like this... "hi tasha... i was just calling to say hello and just tell you how i feel like you're an old friend. i know we just met but i feel like i've known you for years and that we just haven't caught up in a while. i'm looking forward to that chance to sit down with you and catch up."


UMMM, WHAT?


that one probably doesn't need any further explanation. i got the message loud and clear, God. i'm KNOWN.


i should probably insert here that by wanting to be "known" i mean exactly what robin said in the message. i missed that element of history that comes with a long time friend. you don't have to give the background to the background to the background when telling a story. they've been there with you along the way and they KNOW the details. it's sort of a good, bad and ugly situation- i think i gave my best friend in third grade a poster that sums this up. "a friend is a person who knows all about you and still loves you." that's what i mean by KNOWN.


and i guess it should come as no surprise that two things happened in the months to follow. first, try as we might, we could not even find a house to buy (see, i told you i wasn't totally obedient). second, God worked out each and every tiny detail from scott's boss abandoning the initial moving contract to our landlord giving us a very favorable lease arrangement. third, from the months of february to the present, God has surrounded me with community. now i don't mean to sound all "i've got like so many friends and i'm so popular". that's not the deal. but God has given me very specific women who i connect with in beautiful ways. the short version- i feel KNOWN. sure, there's a lot more to know on both sides of each of these friendships. but the valuable part is, that i want to know these women more. and for me, i feel like that's a two way street.


can i get an amen??? for reals! i stop here in this story and just shout out, praise you Father! you are such an amazing conductor! this is my story, so i've done the "amen" several times but just writing it out again brings me right back to that place of awe at such a beautiful God!

now fast way forward to three weeks ago. scott saw a house on mls. i'll skip over the details of all of that, and simply say for the first time we felt like this was right. we paused, we prayed, we reverted back to the way this "move to california" thing fleshed itself out (God opening a door and leading us to walk through... one door at a time. if the next door opened... walk through, pray, trust...)

we did a lot of praying. we wrote an offer. we prayed some more- not to get the house but that God's will would take place and that we'd be ok with the end results. the house is a short sale, so we expected to be waiting for some time as these things with the bank can take a while.

less than two weeks later, the bank accepted our offer! that just doesn't happen with short sales typically. um, that feels like another open door! praise God! and so we walk through the next door (inspection) on this journey towards a home.

on the day we heard about the house my sister sent me a text with the name of an artist and two songs i should check out. i was in the car at the time so didn't get around to listening to the songs until this past weekend. i had no idea what i was about to hear. and i don't believe she knew the power of what she was sending me. i think she just knew they spoke to her and that i'd like them.

snippet from the first song:
yeah, these are old shoes that i've been walking in
i'm wearing weary like it's a second skin
i've been looking for a place to lay my head

all this time like a vagabond
a homeless stranger , i've been wandering
all my life you've been calling me to a home
you know i've been needing, i'm a broken stone
so lay me in the house you're building
yeah, come on

you are a shelter for every misfit soul
we are the four walls and you're the cornerstone
you are, and you're the solid rock that we are built upon

all this time like a vagabond.

wait, did that say VAGABOND? i listened again. oh, sweet Jesus! that is just like you to bring me right back to this spot at this exact moment! reaffirming the message i received, have contemplated, want so much to know that we have a green light... that feels green to me!

i moved on to the next song:
oh and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
oh, you have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
and as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
this is how it is with you and i
oh, this is how it is with you and i

savior, you have known me as i am
healer, you have known me as i was
as i will be in the morning, in the evening
you have known me, yeah, you know me.

my heart leaped with joy and tears sprang into my eyes. it was one of those beautiful God moments where God of the universe confirms that He is also friend, father, shepherd of our hearts. and in such a brilliant way! you see, in those two songs, i was reminded that being a vagabond isn't such a concern after all. i have a home and Christ is the cornerstone of that dwelling. and i am known- by the only one that matters. but as a gift, God might be blessing me with an earthly home and also as a gift, He's blessed me with beautiful women to journey through this life with. PRAISE GOD!

and so on thursday, we will have an inspection. maybe this is how our "move to california" story ends. maybe not. either way, i rejoice in a Father who has not left me as a vagabond but one who prepares a place for me in heaven. and i celebrate that while i long to have community here on this planet (and He's met that need), He's known me all along.

do you know where your children are?

apparently, i misplaced one of mine for a wee moment. she may have felt adventurous and it is entirely possible that she climbed her little 'ol self onto a counter. this particular location may have defied the law of gravity. for what went up, could not come down. but when i discovered her, she didn't seem to mind so much. in fact, it appeared that she was having a grand time. i'm not certain, but there was a tiny bit of evidence suggesting that she was acting out the story of goldilocks. you know, with toothbrushes, instead of chairs, porridge and beds.

and thinking about climbing made me think of another recent climbing incident. it's funny how poppy actually wore that outfit just a day or two ago. i usually think of my p-nut as a little e, but suddenly she is showing a lot of d.

spicing up the mommy routine

there is no school this week and our fam is on the mend from a little visit from a virus. that equates to a home bound momma with three babes claiming to be bored. as a result, today required a little momma innovation. if you're a momma, you know what i'm talking about. it was one of those days that required me to think up new variations of things we do on a regular basis, trying to restore the joy that the activity once had. instead of "boring" art projects, we broke out the "special" bin of stampers and ink pads. we didn't play sorry or candy land, but dug deeper into the game cabinet for pick-up sticks and mix-max (a game i forgot i loved so much). we didn't dance to princess music, opting for Christmas music instead (it was a lovely performance, if i do say so myself).

and by 4:30, i had plum run out of "new" ideas. that is, until i noticed an empty basket that was once filled with toys in the family room. yesterday, those toys were relocated to a new spot in the house, leaving the basket open for opportunity. today, opportunity spoke.

we decided to play "babe in a basket". what's that? oh, i don't know. it's just a little game we made up to pass some time. we cushied it up a wee bit and took turns being... the babe in the basket. it wasn't the most inventive thing i've ever done. it was more like a last straw. but those ideas, those are the ones that get some miles around here.

here's small babe in a basket. she brought her raffie along for the experience.

and as you might have suspected, next came medium babe in a basket. if you look close you can see that she is holding onto soosie in her hand. yup. my near three year old still sucks a soose. guess we need to attend to that matter in the coming weeks. either way, she's delish.

last (or first, depending on your meaning) is large babe in a basket. i love how big she is and miss how little she is all from one little sitting in a basket. she did some fake crying (you know, acting like a babe) which made her sisters giggle over and over.

oh, and what are my kids doing right now? yeah, they are playing "nap" on the pull-out sofa. who knew that they had no idea we had a bed hiding under the cushions? i pulled that out a few minutes ago while uploading these snaps and they have been happily entertaining themselves.

do share! what do you do to spice up your mommy routine when you are confined inside?

belief

and while i'm on a role- i think i should go just one step further towards the truth. (even in the truth, we always tend to hold something back, right?)


lately, i've been in an even bigger struggle (as if mommy induced "less than" isn't enough!). i have been struggling with God.


the moment that stands out as the beginning of this was two years ago on thanksgiving. as you know, my mom was hit by a car. the same mom that is handicapped from a brain aneurysm. the same mom that raised three girls alone. the same mom that lost both of her parents before her twelfth birthday. it messed with my head. i found myself saying, "really, God? couldn't you have protected her from THIS?". i fought through that battle and saw God show up. He revealed Himself through the compassion of nurses, the wisdom of doctors, the love of friends. He even showed up through pat the pilot. and i tucked that morsel of doubt in my pocket and moved on, clinging to a God that i know is real. clinging to a God who is who He said He was. i've seen it with my own eyes.


and then came the selling of our house and pregnancy and a move.... i almost don't even want to talk about it any more. it disturbed me. i kept asking, "God, what's the point in all of this? are you here? any chance you want to jump in and lighten the load?" and then He did. so i tucked my ugly thoughts and feelings right into that little old pocket and moved forward. i clung to His goodness and how He showed up. i even told you about it a few months later.


a few days after my mom was hit by a car, my sister's husband announced he wasn't happy in their marriage. what? you've been married for twenty years and you picked now to share that? after the birth of poppy i spent each and almost every nursing session praying for their marriage. i reached out to my brother-in-law. i begged God to bring him back and restore this commitment of marriage. two years later, they are weeks away from a final divorce decree. it rocks my world. and my heart cries out, "God, do something! show up! fix THIS!"


and then there is cancer. my 38 year old sister, mother of 6, mother who buried her fourth son... "are you kidding me, God????".


and well he's shown up in each and every situation. while He's been present and active, working for good, i would be a liar if i didn't confess that i've been beat down. i've been exhausted. i've been wrecked with doubt.


add that to my momma ADD, and i can promise you it's not a pretty head space. i don't like where my mind goes. it gets ugly.


over the past week, i learned that a dear friend in chicago has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. he's young. he has two kids under the age of 7. his wife is beautiful, compassionate, thoughtful. she's even tempered, patient, and a woman who seeks the kingdom. in fact, she doesn't just seek it, she embodies it. this family doesn't need THIS! and my heart cries out, "oh, God! stop the insanity!"


and that is just the tip of the iceberg. there are people in my life who aren't as open (therefore i won't share their stories) but they are dealing with job loss, foreclosure, sickness, loss, loss, loss...


well, it could feasibly turn a girl of great belief into a girl of great doubt. and yet it doesn't. it reminds me of mark 9. now i'm not a religious scholar, but it speaks to me in its most simplest form.


basically, jesus goes up on a mountain with peter, james and john. before their very eyes, he gets "transfigured"???? transfigured means to become the true nature of the son of God. basically, three dudes saw Him for who He really was. doubt gets washed away. instead of their pal, jesus, they saw Him as King. picture that for a minute. they are his followers. they think he's a great teacher- so much so that they drop everything and join his mission. but they didn't really KNOW. suddenly, they are up on a mountain and it is revealed to them. now, THEY KNOW. and then they get caught up in this little banter about elijah.



verse 12 says this: Jesus replied, "to be sure elijah does come first, and restores all things. why then is it written that the Son of Man must suffer much and be rejected? but i tell you, elijah has come, and they have done to him everything that they wished, just as it is written about him.



He lays it out for them. saying, your timeline is right. you just missed elijah. and now, it's time for me.



from this huge, stunning moment in the lives of three of the disciples, they go to meet the rest. they find them in a huge crowd. the remaining disciples are in the middle of a scene, so to speak. people are up in arms because they are trying to heal this boy but cannot. (annoying right? they've been wandering around with Jesus witnessing healing after healing and then suddenly, they look like fools. they can't heal this dudes kid. and the kid is sick. they want to heal the boy.)



Jesus is irritated. why? because it reveals their disbelief.



He goes to the boy. He talks to the dad...



the boy's dad: but if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.



Jesus: if you can? everything is possible for one who believes.



the boy's dad: i do believe! help me to overcome my unbelief!



that's the part that strikes me. you see, here is God. He's just totally revealed himself to three of the disciples. the full monty, folks. He shows them the whole enchilada. and then He comes down from the mountain and sees the rest of the disciples struggling with their inability to fully believe. insert this dad. a dad who longs for his son to be restored- and in his innocence, in his weakest most pure moment, he cries out for something huge.



help me to overcome my unbelief!



that single sentence speaks volumes to my weary, disheartened soul. God knew i would struggle with THIS! He knew that at times, life would be "too much" and that i would have doubt creeping in, seeping in, clouding over my belief. and He knew, that i could cry out- help me overcome my unbelief!



and He knew that He'd be there, right there in my moments or seasons of unbelief. in spite of the fact that He's shown himself to me over and over and over again (like He'd just shown himself to three of the disciples). it speaks volumes about the patience of the God i love.



the story continues. Jesus heals the boy. we don't know what happens to the boy. we don't know what happens to the dad. but what we do know is that behind closed doors the disciples try to get to the bottom of it with Jesus. "hey, Jesus? what's the deal? why couldn't WE heal him? why couldn't we drive out those demons"



Jesus: this kind can only come out by prayer.



can you picture it? it's my life. i think i know the way. i think i've got the formula. i think i REALLY see who He is. but in reality, i don't really get it. not REALLY. and i get frustrated. i am filled with a fear that i will never reach full sanctification. i begin to doubt.



and then God sweeps in- tasha, you KNOW. I have revealed myself to you before. you KNOW me. and I KNOW you. I know you will have unbelief. and I am there in that, too. seek Me. read My word. PRAY!



and when i embrace that? oh, man! i am right there, back at His feet. and do you know what happens? it is usually in this moment that i see Him, full in His glory, at work- even in the most difficult of moments.



my doubt is transformed over and over again, into belief.

momma induced add

i go through these phases where i don't want to write. i don't mean to suggest that i have nothing to write about (really, people, i'm pretty certain i will never run out of words. i think my hubs might wish that i would when he blows out his birthday candles each year but it will never happen. sigh.) it's just that i have mommy induced add. i start hundreds of posts in my head, sometimes even get half way through writing a post, and by the time i get back to it. poof! i can't even catch the spirit of what i was writing about. my head has moved on.

as a normal (you know, before kids) gal, i tended to be a pretty good planner. i was organized. thoughtful. i paid attention to detail.

insert child number one- i worked part-time (very part-time) for the first two years of e's life. i was an educational consultant/ event planner. i remember days of e playing on the floor while i made business calls from the kitchen table. i was stirring something on the stove, managing a silent wee one, confirming dates/times/payments with the person on the other end of the phone and typing some other document on the laptop. multi-tasking at its best.

by the time d joined the scene, i was a full-time stay-at-home momma living in the burbs. i have a distinct memory of painting furniture while both girls happily played nearby (for those of you with a raised brow- it was non-toxic paint). i also remember planting my entire garden, weeding it, watering it... with the girls playing nicely in the grass.

both of the pictures are nicely painted in my mind. current evidence would indicate that they aren't even close to accurate. but they are the images that linger with me. it's like the edited version of the truth. if i'm honest, someone was probably crying or fighting, or what have you. but in my mind, it was mommy utopia- blissfully enjoying the opportunity to stay home with my girls, while also getting things done. i felt like i was, at the very least, holding it together.

for some reason, these days, that's the exact opposite of how i feel. it seems like at every turn there really is someone crying, someone needing a snack or a diaper change or hitting someone or hurting a sisters feelings... the list goes on and on and on.

i find that on most days my head swirls with all the things that i can't seem to get done. i start to do things, but within moments i'm interrupted and the plan i had goes to the wayside in an attempt to solve the current crisis. and i never get back to the vacuum, laundry, toy bin organizing, email... what have you. and after a while, it starts to mess with your head. if you let it, it starts to rewrite the "you" you used to be and become the "you" that you are. i'm trying not to let it, but there are days that the battle is lost.

i don't have any idea of what all of this means. but i do know what it doesn't mean.

it doesn't mean that i don't have value. it doesn't mean that this is forever. it doesn't mean that the mom on the playlot that looks like she has it all together is better or smarter or more.

it doesn't mean that i am less.

i think that a lot of us mommas (working or stay-at-home) try to play this little game of one-ups-manship. we try to create an image of our utopia (you know, like the one that i'm certain wasn't real but that's the way i remember it in my head). we try to measure up and sometimes, we add a "and then some" to that. i'm guilty of this, more often than i would like to admit.

and if i think about it- i think that is exactly why i like the idea of "community" so much. you see, in my mind, community encompasses those people that you "let in". they don't see a false utopia- they see the real deal. they know that i dropped the "f-bomb" in front of my two year old last week (accidental slip as i tripped over the double doggy pull toy that attacks me from out of nowhere on a daily basis), that i cried at the counter on monday because my friend is going through an enormous struggle that i can't fix, that i get frustrated with the mundane elements of staying at home with my fantastic but ever so challenging three girls. they know that on my best day i still struggle with so many things. and instead of measuring themselves by my worth or image (or lack there of), they come alongside and offer support. they encourage. they sit at the kitchen counter with a pot of coffee (or a bottle of wine) and cheer you on towards your best version of yourself.

moving here in at the beginning of this personal momma crisis has been interesting. i struggle with the fact that it feels like nobody will ever think that i have it together. i struggle with the reality that the days when i was super mom (ha! a girl can pretend, right?) are long gone and the only thing left is a momma that is barely holding on. but it's been interesting. do you know what i've discovered? i've discovered that when you show your real self up front, right off the bat, you find those that are willing to do the same. community shows up. it's real. it's valuable. it's what sustains me. and for that, i am thankful. especially on "those days"- the ones with mommy induced add and all.

let them eat cake (not just a post title but a real place... you should check it out!)

you may recall this little disaster from p's first birthday. while it was tasty on the tongue, it was not so easy on the eye. it was suggested to me by my mother-in-law's bff that i might consider a cake decorating class at micheal's. not a bad idea!


not willing to accept defeat, i tried again. i made a cake for poppy and our friend gabe a few weeks later. i learned a little from my mistakes, but i had a long way to go.



fast forward to an email from my friend katie. she was perusing the community class schedule from a local community college. she wanted to know if anyone wanted to join her at a holiday cupcake decorating class. yes. YES! i'm ALL in!

and so today, i joined three other friends at let them eat cake in livermore for a three hour cupcake class. (good things come in three, right? right!)

cupcake master sarah (also the proud owner of this uber creative cupcake shop) walked us through cupcakes from start to finish. she taught us how to avoid some of the pitfalls that batter can present, how to make her version of the tastiest butter cream frosting (it was out of this world), and then how to make tons of adorable cupcakes. she was fab! her instructions made sense and were easy to follow, while her creativity was off the charts.


we started our cupcake journey with some spiders. these are chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting (e's favorite). and then you added eyes, legs, a mouth... need i say more. here's katie showing off her first success. isn't this spider amazing?

and over the course of three hours we made trees, snowmen, tom turkey, mini ornaments, ghosts, and webs. i went home with enough sugary concoctions to induce a sugar in all three buser babes.

and isn't that cupcake stand quite nice? i won it. that's right. as an added bonus sarah had a little raffle for all of the participants. i'm thinking e's class will love it at their halloween party.

oh, and my taste testers? e, d, and p were happy to play the role.

i think it is fair to say that girlies likey.