momma induced add

i go through these phases where i don't want to write. i don't mean to suggest that i have nothing to write about (really, people, i'm pretty certain i will never run out of words. i think my hubs might wish that i would when he blows out his birthday candles each year but it will never happen. sigh.) it's just that i have mommy induced add. i start hundreds of posts in my head, sometimes even get half way through writing a post, and by the time i get back to it. poof! i can't even catch the spirit of what i was writing about. my head has moved on.

as a normal (you know, before kids) gal, i tended to be a pretty good planner. i was organized. thoughtful. i paid attention to detail.

insert child number one- i worked part-time (very part-time) for the first two years of e's life. i was an educational consultant/ event planner. i remember days of e playing on the floor while i made business calls from the kitchen table. i was stirring something on the stove, managing a silent wee one, confirming dates/times/payments with the person on the other end of the phone and typing some other document on the laptop. multi-tasking at its best.

by the time d joined the scene, i was a full-time stay-at-home momma living in the burbs. i have a distinct memory of painting furniture while both girls happily played nearby (for those of you with a raised brow- it was non-toxic paint). i also remember planting my entire garden, weeding it, watering it... with the girls playing nicely in the grass.

both of the pictures are nicely painted in my mind. current evidence would indicate that they aren't even close to accurate. but they are the images that linger with me. it's like the edited version of the truth. if i'm honest, someone was probably crying or fighting, or what have you. but in my mind, it was mommy utopia- blissfully enjoying the opportunity to stay home with my girls, while also getting things done. i felt like i was, at the very least, holding it together.

for some reason, these days, that's the exact opposite of how i feel. it seems like at every turn there really is someone crying, someone needing a snack or a diaper change or hitting someone or hurting a sisters feelings... the list goes on and on and on.

i find that on most days my head swirls with all the things that i can't seem to get done. i start to do things, but within moments i'm interrupted and the plan i had goes to the wayside in an attempt to solve the current crisis. and i never get back to the vacuum, laundry, toy bin organizing, email... what have you. and after a while, it starts to mess with your head. if you let it, it starts to rewrite the "you" you used to be and become the "you" that you are. i'm trying not to let it, but there are days that the battle is lost.

i don't have any idea of what all of this means. but i do know what it doesn't mean.

it doesn't mean that i don't have value. it doesn't mean that this is forever. it doesn't mean that the mom on the playlot that looks like she has it all together is better or smarter or more.

it doesn't mean that i am less.

i think that a lot of us mommas (working or stay-at-home) try to play this little game of one-ups-manship. we try to create an image of our utopia (you know, like the one that i'm certain wasn't real but that's the way i remember it in my head). we try to measure up and sometimes, we add a "and then some" to that. i'm guilty of this, more often than i would like to admit.

and if i think about it- i think that is exactly why i like the idea of "community" so much. you see, in my mind, community encompasses those people that you "let in". they don't see a false utopia- they see the real deal. they know that i dropped the "f-bomb" in front of my two year old last week (accidental slip as i tripped over the double doggy pull toy that attacks me from out of nowhere on a daily basis), that i cried at the counter on monday because my friend is going through an enormous struggle that i can't fix, that i get frustrated with the mundane elements of staying at home with my fantastic but ever so challenging three girls. they know that on my best day i still struggle with so many things. and instead of measuring themselves by my worth or image (or lack there of), they come alongside and offer support. they encourage. they sit at the kitchen counter with a pot of coffee (or a bottle of wine) and cheer you on towards your best version of yourself.

moving here in at the beginning of this personal momma crisis has been interesting. i struggle with the fact that it feels like nobody will ever think that i have it together. i struggle with the reality that the days when i was super mom (ha! a girl can pretend, right?) are long gone and the only thing left is a momma that is barely holding on. but it's been interesting. do you know what i've discovered? i've discovered that when you show your real self up front, right off the bat, you find those that are willing to do the same. community shows up. it's real. it's valuable. it's what sustains me. and for that, i am thankful. especially on "those days"- the ones with mommy induced add and all.