an open door

back in february, i experienced a day that was clearly marked by moments that when strung together had God's hand print written all over them. i could tell you the very long story, but i promise you it would take a tons of time. instead, you'll just have to take my word for it (and thank me for sparing you from a ten page post... i promise this one could be long anyway). basically, two words were being cemented into my heart. vagabond and known. what??? you should also know that both of these messages originated from a conversation with my sister. you should also know that neither of them ended with her. that's important because it was a such a layered, twisted, cool way in which God spoke to me. it wasn't audible but it was clear.


VAGABOND! KNOWN!


let me explain what those two words meant to me- at the time the two biggest cries of my heart were to find a home and to develop friendships. the house thing was driving me bonkers. we were just a few months away from the end of our lease, just a few more months away from the "need to close on a house" date established by scott's company and to complicate matters, i felt very much alone in the world- like nobody knew me. i felt like everywhere i went i was auditioning for the role of friend. it sucked.


anyways, on that day in february, it was clear that God did not want us to buy a house at that time. i didn't know how it was all supposed to shake out (and at times, didn't really listen to what i knew He was telling me) but that was the deal. "tasha, you're going to feel a bit like a vagabond here for a while. that's ok. you're going to be fine. oh, and by the way, i've got all the details covered." i'm putting words to this as God didn't speak this to me, but the peace that those words suggest swept through my core at the time. i can't explain it- but that's just how it happened. i was overwhelmed with this feeling and at the core of the feeling was "vagabond" wrapped in peace.


and smack dab in the middle of God swirling me up in this new housing concept, He sent me another message... tasha, you are KNOWN. i feel like this part of the story actually could benefit from some of the details. a girl i was getting to know, robin, called me out of the blue and left me a message (while i was on the other line opening up to my sister about how lonely i was and she was committing to me to pray for friendships). the message went something like this... "hi tasha... i was just calling to say hello and just tell you how i feel like you're an old friend. i know we just met but i feel like i've known you for years and that we just haven't caught up in a while. i'm looking forward to that chance to sit down with you and catch up."


UMMM, WHAT?


that one probably doesn't need any further explanation. i got the message loud and clear, God. i'm KNOWN.


i should probably insert here that by wanting to be "known" i mean exactly what robin said in the message. i missed that element of history that comes with a long time friend. you don't have to give the background to the background to the background when telling a story. they've been there with you along the way and they KNOW the details. it's sort of a good, bad and ugly situation- i think i gave my best friend in third grade a poster that sums this up. "a friend is a person who knows all about you and still loves you." that's what i mean by KNOWN.


and i guess it should come as no surprise that two things happened in the months to follow. first, try as we might, we could not even find a house to buy (see, i told you i wasn't totally obedient). second, God worked out each and every tiny detail from scott's boss abandoning the initial moving contract to our landlord giving us a very favorable lease arrangement. third, from the months of february to the present, God has surrounded me with community. now i don't mean to sound all "i've got like so many friends and i'm so popular". that's not the deal. but God has given me very specific women who i connect with in beautiful ways. the short version- i feel KNOWN. sure, there's a lot more to know on both sides of each of these friendships. but the valuable part is, that i want to know these women more. and for me, i feel like that's a two way street.


can i get an amen??? for reals! i stop here in this story and just shout out, praise you Father! you are such an amazing conductor! this is my story, so i've done the "amen" several times but just writing it out again brings me right back to that place of awe at such a beautiful God!

now fast way forward to three weeks ago. scott saw a house on mls. i'll skip over the details of all of that, and simply say for the first time we felt like this was right. we paused, we prayed, we reverted back to the way this "move to california" thing fleshed itself out (God opening a door and leading us to walk through... one door at a time. if the next door opened... walk through, pray, trust...)

we did a lot of praying. we wrote an offer. we prayed some more- not to get the house but that God's will would take place and that we'd be ok with the end results. the house is a short sale, so we expected to be waiting for some time as these things with the bank can take a while.

less than two weeks later, the bank accepted our offer! that just doesn't happen with short sales typically. um, that feels like another open door! praise God! and so we walk through the next door (inspection) on this journey towards a home.

on the day we heard about the house my sister sent me a text with the name of an artist and two songs i should check out. i was in the car at the time so didn't get around to listening to the songs until this past weekend. i had no idea what i was about to hear. and i don't believe she knew the power of what she was sending me. i think she just knew they spoke to her and that i'd like them.

snippet from the first song:
yeah, these are old shoes that i've been walking in
i'm wearing weary like it's a second skin
i've been looking for a place to lay my head

all this time like a vagabond
a homeless stranger , i've been wandering
all my life you've been calling me to a home
you know i've been needing, i'm a broken stone
so lay me in the house you're building
yeah, come on

you are a shelter for every misfit soul
we are the four walls and you're the cornerstone
you are, and you're the solid rock that we are built upon

all this time like a vagabond.

wait, did that say VAGABOND? i listened again. oh, sweet Jesus! that is just like you to bring me right back to this spot at this exact moment! reaffirming the message i received, have contemplated, want so much to know that we have a green light... that feels green to me!

i moved on to the next song:
oh and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
oh, you have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
and as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
this is how it is with you and i
oh, this is how it is with you and i

savior, you have known me as i am
healer, you have known me as i was
as i will be in the morning, in the evening
you have known me, yeah, you know me.

my heart leaped with joy and tears sprang into my eyes. it was one of those beautiful God moments where God of the universe confirms that He is also friend, father, shepherd of our hearts. and in such a brilliant way! you see, in those two songs, i was reminded that being a vagabond isn't such a concern after all. i have a home and Christ is the cornerstone of that dwelling. and i am known- by the only one that matters. but as a gift, God might be blessing me with an earthly home and also as a gift, He's blessed me with beautiful women to journey through this life with. PRAISE GOD!

and so on thursday, we will have an inspection. maybe this is how our "move to california" story ends. maybe not. either way, i rejoice in a Father who has not left me as a vagabond but one who prepares a place for me in heaven. and i celebrate that while i long to have community here on this planet (and He's met that need), He's known me all along.