belief

and while i'm on a role- i think i should go just one step further towards the truth. (even in the truth, we always tend to hold something back, right?)


lately, i've been in an even bigger struggle (as if mommy induced "less than" isn't enough!). i have been struggling with God.


the moment that stands out as the beginning of this was two years ago on thanksgiving. as you know, my mom was hit by a car. the same mom that is handicapped from a brain aneurysm. the same mom that raised three girls alone. the same mom that lost both of her parents before her twelfth birthday. it messed with my head. i found myself saying, "really, God? couldn't you have protected her from THIS?". i fought through that battle and saw God show up. He revealed Himself through the compassion of nurses, the wisdom of doctors, the love of friends. He even showed up through pat the pilot. and i tucked that morsel of doubt in my pocket and moved on, clinging to a God that i know is real. clinging to a God who is who He said He was. i've seen it with my own eyes.


and then came the selling of our house and pregnancy and a move.... i almost don't even want to talk about it any more. it disturbed me. i kept asking, "God, what's the point in all of this? are you here? any chance you want to jump in and lighten the load?" and then He did. so i tucked my ugly thoughts and feelings right into that little old pocket and moved forward. i clung to His goodness and how He showed up. i even told you about it a few months later.


a few days after my mom was hit by a car, my sister's husband announced he wasn't happy in their marriage. what? you've been married for twenty years and you picked now to share that? after the birth of poppy i spent each and almost every nursing session praying for their marriage. i reached out to my brother-in-law. i begged God to bring him back and restore this commitment of marriage. two years later, they are weeks away from a final divorce decree. it rocks my world. and my heart cries out, "God, do something! show up! fix THIS!"


and then there is cancer. my 38 year old sister, mother of 6, mother who buried her fourth son... "are you kidding me, God????".


and well he's shown up in each and every situation. while He's been present and active, working for good, i would be a liar if i didn't confess that i've been beat down. i've been exhausted. i've been wrecked with doubt.


add that to my momma ADD, and i can promise you it's not a pretty head space. i don't like where my mind goes. it gets ugly.


over the past week, i learned that a dear friend in chicago has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. he's young. he has two kids under the age of 7. his wife is beautiful, compassionate, thoughtful. she's even tempered, patient, and a woman who seeks the kingdom. in fact, she doesn't just seek it, she embodies it. this family doesn't need THIS! and my heart cries out, "oh, God! stop the insanity!"


and that is just the tip of the iceberg. there are people in my life who aren't as open (therefore i won't share their stories) but they are dealing with job loss, foreclosure, sickness, loss, loss, loss...


well, it could feasibly turn a girl of great belief into a girl of great doubt. and yet it doesn't. it reminds me of mark 9. now i'm not a religious scholar, but it speaks to me in its most simplest form.


basically, jesus goes up on a mountain with peter, james and john. before their very eyes, he gets "transfigured"???? transfigured means to become the true nature of the son of God. basically, three dudes saw Him for who He really was. doubt gets washed away. instead of their pal, jesus, they saw Him as King. picture that for a minute. they are his followers. they think he's a great teacher- so much so that they drop everything and join his mission. but they didn't really KNOW. suddenly, they are up on a mountain and it is revealed to them. now, THEY KNOW. and then they get caught up in this little banter about elijah.



verse 12 says this: Jesus replied, "to be sure elijah does come first, and restores all things. why then is it written that the Son of Man must suffer much and be rejected? but i tell you, elijah has come, and they have done to him everything that they wished, just as it is written about him.



He lays it out for them. saying, your timeline is right. you just missed elijah. and now, it's time for me.



from this huge, stunning moment in the lives of three of the disciples, they go to meet the rest. they find them in a huge crowd. the remaining disciples are in the middle of a scene, so to speak. people are up in arms because they are trying to heal this boy but cannot. (annoying right? they've been wandering around with Jesus witnessing healing after healing and then suddenly, they look like fools. they can't heal this dudes kid. and the kid is sick. they want to heal the boy.)



Jesus is irritated. why? because it reveals their disbelief.



He goes to the boy. He talks to the dad...



the boy's dad: but if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.



Jesus: if you can? everything is possible for one who believes.



the boy's dad: i do believe! help me to overcome my unbelief!



that's the part that strikes me. you see, here is God. He's just totally revealed himself to three of the disciples. the full monty, folks. He shows them the whole enchilada. and then He comes down from the mountain and sees the rest of the disciples struggling with their inability to fully believe. insert this dad. a dad who longs for his son to be restored- and in his innocence, in his weakest most pure moment, he cries out for something huge.



help me to overcome my unbelief!



that single sentence speaks volumes to my weary, disheartened soul. God knew i would struggle with THIS! He knew that at times, life would be "too much" and that i would have doubt creeping in, seeping in, clouding over my belief. and He knew, that i could cry out- help me overcome my unbelief!



and He knew that He'd be there, right there in my moments or seasons of unbelief. in spite of the fact that He's shown himself to me over and over and over again (like He'd just shown himself to three of the disciples). it speaks volumes about the patience of the God i love.



the story continues. Jesus heals the boy. we don't know what happens to the boy. we don't know what happens to the dad. but what we do know is that behind closed doors the disciples try to get to the bottom of it with Jesus. "hey, Jesus? what's the deal? why couldn't WE heal him? why couldn't we drive out those demons"



Jesus: this kind can only come out by prayer.



can you picture it? it's my life. i think i know the way. i think i've got the formula. i think i REALLY see who He is. but in reality, i don't really get it. not REALLY. and i get frustrated. i am filled with a fear that i will never reach full sanctification. i begin to doubt.



and then God sweeps in- tasha, you KNOW. I have revealed myself to you before. you KNOW me. and I KNOW you. I know you will have unbelief. and I am there in that, too. seek Me. read My word. PRAY!



and when i embrace that? oh, man! i am right there, back at His feet. and do you know what happens? it is usually in this moment that i see Him, full in His glory, at work- even in the most difficult of moments.



my doubt is transformed over and over again, into belief.