a shell and a penny

grab a cup of coffee, curl up and get cozy because this one is going to be a long one.

it starts with a story that leads to another story that ends with a final story. it's that long.

the first part:

from the first day of my life to the present day, my mom has remained constant in one of her daily activities. she wakes early and spends time in The Word. after she does this, she goes for a walk. picture this. my mom walks with a cane and has since my birth. because of this, her shoulders hunch over a bit and her gaze is directed at the ground. she has to look down with each step that she takes, planting her cane carefully on the ground in a stable spot. as she walks each morning, she prays. my mom is prayerful about everything. everything! her morning walk is like a walk with a close friend. she gives her needs to the Lord and He meets with her each day during this time. i know this because of a cloth bound book that she has tucked into the side pocket of her desk. the book is filled with prayers that she has given over to God and then at the top of each page there is a penny taped down. these pennies are incredibly special to her. it is sort of her little love language with her Father. you see, as she has prayed over the years, looking down as she walks, she has found pennies along the way. to her, these pennies mark the moments when she has seen the hand of God in her life. there is a penny that marks the moving from new york to virginia. there is a penny that marks her prayers for my sister during a time when my sister lived with my dad. there is a penny that shows God's presence in the marital choices for her daughters. pennies for financial needs, pennies for emotional needs, pennies for missionaries in foreign countries... lots and lots of pennies. it is a beautiful illustration of how God knows us intimately and speaks to each of us in ways that are specific to our needs. my Father in heaven knew that my mom would be looking down and so somehow over the years He spoke into her heart and showed her that He values their time together each morning and that He is with her.

my sister highlighted this years ago and i am reminded of it frequently. when i see pennies on the ground i think of my mom. they aren't my pennies as this is not how God speaks to me, but they remind me that God knows me and that just as He met my mom in their time together, He is faithful and meets me in my own time with Him. i smile and find great comfort when i see a penny on the ground.

the second part:

this past spring my family took a trip to florida. last year my dad and scott's dad both bought homes in florida. we went to visit both of them (one on the atlantic side and the other on the gulf). the trip didn't go exactly how i had anticipated. while it was filled with some beautiful moments, this momma made some fatal mistakes in my planning. i had hoped that d could handle a big girl bed and that p would fall into a sleep rhythm that was compatible with the new time zone. neither of those things happened. and so the tone of the trip was set by sleeplessness. if you combine two very tired parents and three sleepless children, well, the sum is not pretty.

on the day that we were to travel home, i was spent. my hope for a restful and relaxing trip had not come into fruition. my desire to bask in the sun for just a few short hours in a lounge chair never happened. instead, i had circles under my eyes and was longing for a pair of ruby red slippers. on our last day there, i stood on the beach and tried to savor a moment with my girls. d was frolicking in the waves, p was eating sand and e was collecting shells. in spite of my tired, i took in the beauty of this scene. as i stood there, feeling very much alone, e handed me a shell. instead of placing it into her bucket like she had all the rest, she placed this one into my hand.

"mommy, isn't this one pretty?"

i looked down at what she had handed me. it was a piece of a shell with a small swirl of beige. there were no ridges on this shell, instead, this one had been worn down by the waves. i pictured it being beaten down over and over as it rolled back and forth with the tide. years of this caused the shell to become smooth.

i told e that this was such a special shell. she asked me to put it into the pocket of my rolled up pants. i obliged.

a few moments later, i looked down and there glistening in the sun was something unusual. it was a penny. the head of president lincoln had bubbled a bit and the entire surface of the coin was covered in tiny bits of sand. i smiled and thought of my mom. then i placed it into my pocket alongside the shell. as i continued to watch my girls play, my hands kept fingering these two objects. one smooth, the other rough.

as i tried to imagine what the rest of our day looked like... packing the bags back up, driving to the airport and then settling in for a long flight, i turned to prayer. as i prayed, i admit, i did some whining. i remember asking God, very much like a child, why does it have to be so hard. can't anything be easy, God? i remember thinking about going "home" to this rental house in california so very far away from everything that i had ever known. was that my "home" now? was i going to be a vagabond forever? would it feel like "home"? why was it all so unsettling? would i ever feel rested?

and just as i let that out, i fingered the coin and the shell again. in that moment my head swirled with thoughts that could only come from God.

those thoughts went something like this: tasha, that penny is a reminder. i am with you. i have been your whole life. feel those grits of sand and that swollen head of lincoln? that's evidence of that. for 34 years i have been with you in the storms of life. in the disappointments, in the challenges, in the celebrations and in the joy. even when it would seem impossible that i could stand by you- i stick to you and adhere myself to you. when you chose me to be your Lord, i said i would do that. those grits of sand stuck to a penny are evidence of that. and that shell? that shows you how in the hard i am doing a work in you. i am polishing you, smoothing out your rough edges, making you more like my image with each day. each crash in the waves is marked by these two things: i am with you and it is for a purpose.

tears sprang into my eyes and while i felt like i was certainly going to have to go through many more waves to be polished, smooth, Christ-like; i praised Him for being there. i celebrated in knowing that my Father could put a shell and a penny into my pocket and direct my eyes towards Him. and suddenly, in a moment where i had felt very alone, i knew that i was being carried.

the final part:

i came home from florida and put that penny and that shell on my dresser. i had anticipated telling that story on my blog as soon as i could get home and take a picture of them. but somehow a few days passed and it just didn't happen. a few months later, i got around to taking a picture of them. i uploaded it and then went on to write about it. but something just didn't feel right. i kept feeling like the story wasn't ready to be told. maybe it wasn't finished?

eventually i moved them to a spot next to my laptop. they sat there for months. i looked at them from time to time, but it was as if the moment was lost. it was as if i just couldn't feel the essence of the experience anymore. maybe it wasn't worth retelling.

and then last week, i picked them up. i was cleaning up my kitchen for a party and wanted to move them to a safer spot. it just so happened that as i was moving them an email came in on my laptop from my realtor. the email contained some information about our closing, walk through etc. on the home that we were about to purchase. with the penny and the shell in my hand, i read the email.

and then i paused, fingering the objects once again.

it was another beautiful moment. you see, it was if God was showing me... tasha, remember what i spoke into your heart? do you remember the waves and my presence? i knew then that i would walk this path with you. i knew that you needed to be a vagabond in california to feel the full appreciation for what i am blessing you with. sure, you could have just moved from house to house and not had to go through this waiting period. but then, you wouldn't have seen me in the same way. you wouldn't have known that My hand is the hand that guides you and that My plan far better than any other.

i smiled. isn't God so good? He knows each of us so well, and this should come as no surprise as He is the hand that formed us. from the dust (or pebbles of sand) he formed us all and breathed life into us. and for each of us, He has a plan.

and so today, with a penny and a shell in my pocket, i have been handed the keys to my new home. the very home we had stopped looking for, the very home we weren't going to look at, the one that we were terrified to write an offer on... the short sale that got back to us in two weeks, the inspection that went better than we could have imagined... the details all worked out by the same God that knew this all way back when scott and i sat around a fire pit in michigan and said, "should we do this? are we open to moving to california?"

the same God that planted a baby in my belly just weeks before we took our first home buying trip to the east bay, the same God that walked me through the car accident of my mom that almost caused us to say... "no way, we can't do this". He knew. He walked with us. He went before us.

and while on this journey i have certainly rebelled. i have certainly cried out, "i don't want to do this!"... He has peppered that road with friendships, with smiles, with little assurances that He is very much caring for our every need.

today, it is clear, on this earth i am very much a vagabond. but a vagabond with a great travel agent- the agent that plans my stay in each and every spot where we land. today i land in this house and know that it is certain that my time in the waves is not over. but one thing is also for sure- He knows me, loves me and will never forsake me. not even in the waves.

welcome home.