jealousy

a few years ago in a small group we attended, i was prodded to explore jealously.  "what are you jealous of?"

it rocked me a little bit because i don't find myself to be a jealous person.  but upon exploration of the topic i realized that I DO have jealousy issues.  i am jealous of family.  ick.  i hated the realization but it rang true.  i hated the fact that we didn't have "go to" family members who would pick my kids up in a pinch or give us a date night when our marriage was begging for it.  i longed for the reprieve of handing our kiddos over to someone who "knew" them and would step in on a dime.

i know that i have highlighted my awesomeness on diary of a suburban momma over the years, but this post is about to take the cake!  giggle.  (humbled again by the motherhood...)

suburban momma has been thinking about a lot of things as of late.  the most common theme of reflection has been that the buser clan has been residents of the state of california for FIVE years.  yup.  on september 11th we celebrated our five year anniversary.

and for the past month i have been deep in thought about what that means- where we've come from and where we stand now.  it is an interesting reflection and a smile crosses my face every time i think upon it.  five years is a long time.

but before i can go to the present, i need to reflect on the past.

right before i left chicago, my favorite peeps got together and threw me a non-surprise surprise party. knowing that i am not a huge fan of the unpredictable, they let me know a few days before the event that it was happening.  it was perfect in every way.  veronica hosted and the fete was filled with champagne, cheese, and lemon meringue pie, along with my favorite people.  we mingled, we dined and then we toasted.

during the toasting portion of the evening, i presented each girlie with a crystal heart dangling from a silk ribbon.  i gave it to each person as a "think of me" memento.  my friend, brooke, took it to a new level.  she suggested that when we looked at the heart, each momma would commit to pray for my development of meaningful friendships.

i was in tears.

brooke knows this girly well.  she (and the rest of the peeps around the table) knew that i needed to be circled by special women.  women that are real.  women that don't judge.  women that love well, smile often and bring laughter to my day-to-day life.  she knew that i needed real, solid, in-depth friendship to sustain me.

it was a beautiful send-off as it was exactly the prayer of my heart.

it spoke to my need for "family".

five years later, i can say with confidence, that God has heard that prayer.  and it hasn't just been for me, but it has been for the whole buser bunch.  each of us has that solid "family" in our lives from the people that we have been surrounded with in p-town.  but it wasn't until very recently that i realized the fullness of the answer.

for the better part of the past five years, suburban momma has found herself in an interesting place.  at the start of each school year i get that "emergency contact" form and i have to decide who is best suited to be our go-to peeps.  we have no family that would constitute a quick "go-to" to fill the bill.  my phone has been scheduled for years with alarms to remind me of when to leave the house to pick up each kiddo and my biggest fear is the "what if" surrounding me...  what if i don't make it?  what will happen then?  the california buser family doesn't have a back-up plan.  this momma is it.  aside from me there hasn't been a sure bet for who would pick up the pieces if something fell out of place.

God is good.

this past week, that need for "family" was highlighted and an answer to the question i never wanted to ask came to light...

one morning as momma was giving the girls breakfast, i got a text from d's bestie's mom asking for a play date.

yes, please.  d would love it.

after school i picked up p and headed towards the mall in search of "mustache day" gear (the following day was supposed to be mustache day at our elementary school- and a girl has GOT to have  the appropriate gear when the need presents itself).

i was in a bit of hurry because i knew i needed to head back to school to pick up d in an hour.  p and i scoured a few stores and couldn't find what we needed.  apparently, there were bunches of other mommas on the hunt as well.

i was about to hustle her out of the mall empty handed to pick up d when i realized that d was getting picked up by her friend's mom.  the gift of time had presented itself.  hooray!  mustache hunt back on!

p and i headed into another store.  we found some stache gear and realized we even had some extra time.

"pops, do you want to grab lunch at nerdy cafe for a special "you and me kid" treat?"

yes!!!!  yes, i would!

and so we headed into the restaurant to grab an unexpected late lunch.

as we were sitting at the table waiting for out meals to be presented (and playing a high stakes game of tic-tac-toe), a text came in from a friend of mine...

"...i've got d"

my mind started racing and panic eclipsed my heart.

"why does she have d?"

and then it hit me- d's bestie is a later gator and d is an early bird (this is way too confusing to explain to the rest of the free world- but let me sum it up by saying that every kid in p-town is on a unique pick-up/drop-off schedule and this week was the first week of that unique timing situation.  i had known that d's friend was on a different dismissal schedule and somehow with my three kiddos and their own unique dismissal schedule (5 pick-ups and drop-offs to one school), i had gotten confused.

d was alone in front of the school and i was not there to receive her.

dread and shame and "how in the heck did this happen" crashed over me... and i was sitting in NORDY CAFE having lunch with my third.  this was so unnecessary and insane and i kept picturing my d sobbing her eyes out thinking that i had abandoned her.

the hit to my motherhood stung.

i was texting back and forth with my friend who had d (who seemed VERY un-phased by this), grabbing to-go boxes and busting-a-move to the car.  the entire way to school (a few miles away) i was speeding and near hysterics.

and then as i sat at the last RED LIGHT (they were ALL red that day), a thought crossed over me...

i have so much to be THANKFUL for!  here i was, confused with a schedule and i had someone that covered me.

she didn't hesitate.

she didn't even seemed fussed by any of it (in spite of her own motherhood of three girls)...

she just jumped right in and served as "family".

it was exactly what i had always hoped for, right there in front of my eyes.

i pulled up to school and sweet becky had my girl and two of her girls playing tag on the front lawn of school.  and d was happy.  when i hugged her and told her how sorry i was (explaining the mix-up), she said simply, "it wasn't a big deal, mom."


and really, it wasn't.  my d was with someone that was safe, warm and comfortable.

was it an "awesome mom moment"?  not for me.  i forgot to pick up my girl from school.  sigh.  but it WAS an awesome moment.  it was a moment where i realized how rich our lives are.

and for me- it was even bigger than that.  it was a moment where i realized that God is in the details.  God has given me local "family".  i can "forget" a kid but our world is filled with people who step in and serve as "my peeps" who tend to my needs, love on my girls and make sure we are cared for.  d knew where to go.  she knew what was safe.  and that person responded in a loving, kind familial sort of way.

california is our home now.

and five years later, my heart is so full of bursting for these people that care for us in ways that i never could have anticipated.  the friendships that each of us have formed are AMAZING.  we are surrounded by people that love on us exactly how we need to be loved and fill our void of "family".

i am beyond thankful for the women that prayed for us.  brooke had insight into our needs far beyond what i could have known to ask for.  and the women that have stepped in and responded to those needs- you fill my heart.

words cannot express what it feels like to know that you aren't alone in the world.

i didn't know what i would need when we began this journey, but God did.  and he has filled that need on both sides- in giving me people that would be my prayer warriors and giving me people that would be my answer to prayer.

and tonight, five years later, i have a very full heart.

it is a happy anniversary, indeed!  jealous?  with God, there is no place for that!  He meets our needs and then exceeds them beyond expectation.

Popsie

this girl!  my sweet p!  she has kissed 4 goodbye and is running full throttle into 5.  how in the world did that happen?  

4 has been such a fun year with my popsie!  it has been a year of watching her come into herself in so many beautiful ways.

i was putting together some pictures for this post and just couldn't choose.  my heart is nostalgic as this little birdie is changing from baby to girl way too fast!

many months back, pops walked into my room in the morning.  i was still sound asleep.  she stood next to my face (like right there!) and declared, "momma!  i want to sing you a song."

i was asleep, mind you, so it took a few moments to open my eyes and register what was going on.  she repeated her intentions.  when i finally got on her page and realized that it was time to open my eyes, i asked her to sing.

"wait, mom.  i need to crawl up in your bed and sing it in your ear.  i want to be close to you!"

and with that she climbed up on the bed, curled up next to me with her sweet little mouth a few inches from my ear.  

and she began to sing in the sweetest, softest voice.

a little bit of love goes a long, long way.  a little bit of love goes a long, long way!

over the sea of galilee there gathered a big crowd.  

the food ran out without a doubt and the boy said out loud.  

i'll share my 2 fish and my five loaves of bread.  

so jesus took them in his hand and the multitudes were fed.

a little bit of love goes a long, long way.

a little bit of love goes a long, long, way.

oooo oooo

a little bit of love.

and then she kissed me on the forehead and hopped down off the bed.  "come on, mom.  it's time to get up."

and my heart nearly burst with love for this girl, once again.  

later in the day, when she will willing to divulge more information, she informed me that she had learned the song at school.  

having been a sunday school attendee since birth, i was slightly shocked that this song existed and that i had never heard it before...  but i think that made it even more special.  it was her song.

and for the better part of the year, she has shared that song with me (and countless others) at random. the song is a perfect match for my sweet p.  one of the brightest parts of penelope is her heart.  it FEELS.  she has a keen sense of the hearts around her and at just the right moments, the moments when you need it the most, she gives you a dose of love.  her love is always pure and without restraint.  it is a healing love.  it is a sincere love.  it is filled with compassion and it is flawlessly timed.

and it is the perfect balance to so many OTHER parts of poppy...  (giggle)

this girl has taken my parenting patience to a whole new level.  she tests me and pushes me and challenges me.  she makes me pull lose my mind and then she brings it right back to this...

a little bit of love.

at five, she is still rocking her uggs.

her favorite food is dessert.

she has added apple slices to her "acceptable cuisine" list- making it THE ONLY fruit that girlie will eat.  sigh.  she has also added carrots and ranch to her very small list of vegetables that she will nibble (topping the list are roasted broccoli and asparagus).  her favorite book is vader's little princess (yup.  a star wars story).

she sneaks the ipad whenever momma is distracted and maxes out her screen time daily.  double sigh.  she loves playing with her sisters, alone time with mom or dad, and cuddles.  she makes friends easily but can also play by herself with full contentment.  she is sarcastic, emotional and slightly sassy.

she still hides behind my leg when addressed by someone new, but sheds her "shy" quickly.  she likes art projects and being read books.  she loves swimming and has taught herself freestyle and backstroke while watching her sisters swim this season.  she also taught herself to dive.  she is determined and independent at times, and then there are the moments when she pulls out the "baby of the family" card and does the exact opposite.

and she is funny.  really, really funny.  she has got some one liners that will move you to full belly laugh in a heartbeat.  and she knows comedic timing.  she lets her sillies fly at just the right moments.

happy birthday, penelope!  

yup.  that's a christmas dress.  the top is velvet.  she wore it to the fireworks.  in july.

with her uggs...  because?...  well, that's easy.  because she's poppy and THAT is exactly how she rolls.  

i know what you did last summer

several years ago i was putting dishes into the dishwasher and trying to tidy the kitchen while my youngest was supposed to be finishing her dinner.  ever the terrible eater, this became the routine.  i was paying her no mind after giving her the directive of, "you need to eat two bites of chicken and finish your veggie puffs."

yup.  you read that right.  i wasn't even demanding that girlie eat ACTUAL vegetables.  i was merely asking her to eat a Cheetos-like puff that was allegedly constructed from veggies.

and then i went about my business of cleaning up after dinner.  as i did so, PAYING NO MIND to girlie, i overheard her (and witnessed with my very own eyes), the following:

she lifted up the front side of her plate and pushed every single veggie puff under the plate.  the front half of the plate was about 2 inches higher than the back side at this point.  she then, forgetting that i was RIGHT THERE, whispered to the veggie puffs, "you guys hide right there!"

she then shoved the chicken into her mouth and told me that she was finished.

having witnessed the ENTIRE SCENE, i had a choice.

a.)  i could laugh my head off (because it was REALLY funny)

b.)  ask girlie if she was finished with what i had asked her to eat

c.)  let her in on the fact that what she was doing had been witnessed by me and that it was totally unacceptable.

option "A" felt like what I REALLY wanted to do.  it was hysterical that she was whispering to puffs and hiding them under her plate.  but my gut told me that was fostering an appreciation for her sense of defiance (in spite of the fact that IT DID highlight her sense of humor).  option "B" felt like a trap.  i KNEW girlie didn't eat her veggie puffs.  i saw what she had done with them with my own eyes. this was a bad trap- one where my question would lead my girl to lie.  not being a fan of lying, i knew that wasn't the choice for me.

i went with option "C".  it resulted in crying and discipline and a whole heap of "not so fun" parenting moments.  but in spite of the "yuk" that it brought forth in the short-term, it was the right choice.

the "puffs incident" was three years ago.  girlie is a few days shy of celebrating the big 5.

retrospect is an amazing thing.  you see, girlie has a tendency to shirk the truth and evade the immediate crisis.  she loves to play "hide-and-seek" if it will eliminate or  post-pone consequence.

i've been guilty of that myself.

i've been thinking about it a lot lately.  don't we all?  maybe just at times?  avoiding the truth...  avoiding reality...  avoiding repercussion from our actions...  it sounds better in the moment.  it feels better in the decision making part of our brains.  in many senses it is logical.  duh.  who wouldn't want to defer pain to ourselves?  who wouldn't want to defer disappointment to others?  who wouldn't want to hide what is secret and private and unknown when the unknown is unfavorable or dishonest or negative?

in a few days i'm going to write about pops at 5.  i'll let that post be that post.

but today i am writing about something different.

i was listening to my favorite artist and a song stuck me and triggered all of the thoughts in THIS post.

it's titled "if we're honest"

truth is harder than a lie
the dark seems safer than the light
and everyone has a heart that loves to hide
i'm a mess and so are you
we've built walls nobody can get through
yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do...

bring your brokenness and i'll bring mine
'cause love can heal what hurt divides
and mercy's waiting on the the other side'

and as i listen to the lyrics, as i think about myself and my kids and my past...  i know this is true.
i hate lying... now.

but it used to be my go-to reaction.  ick.  i don't want to tell you that.  that sucks.  it makes me look crappy and feel gross.

but it's totally true.

i lied to my mom when i was four about drawing on the wall and writing my name inside of my artwork.  she asked if i did it.  "no" was such an easy answer to roll off of my tongue.

i lied to my high school spanish teacher.  she knew that there was no way i could have written such a stellar research paper.  she asked if i wrote it.  and i sort of did.  i told my friend susan what to write...  i told her in english.  she wrote it in spanish.  not really a lie, right?  my spanish teacher just failed to ask the right question.  not MY fault!

and then something happened.  as i grew, as i realized that lies hurt and lies destroy and lies challenge your credibility, and i began to value truth.

it's all i have.  no matter how painful.  no matter how ugly.  no matter how REAL...  truth matters.  authenticity matters.  lies break down.  truth...  in some strange way...  unites, connects, heals...  it brings value to anything.  even ugly things.

true authenticity is becoming less of the norm and suddenly i find myself seeking it more.

i like the woman who brings truth to the table.  i find her easier to be around.  in spite of the ugly (we all have UGLY), she makes the most sense to me...  because i get her REAL self.  her honesty is welcome in my heart...  i like the person that reveals ALL that she is.  i respect the human that unveils  the deepest and darkest parts of their heart...  their soul...  their background.  it doesn't make me love them less.  it makes me love them more.  much, much more.

don't pretend to be something that you're not
living life afraid of getting caught
there is freedom found when we lay our secrets down...

but the truth is...  that isn't always the case.  even though i, (tasha), may love it and respect it and value it...  truth...  the rest of the world doesn't always.  hidden is sort of a taught behavior.  revealing our true selves isn't always appreciated and respected by "the norm".

but then comes this lyric.  it gets me every time.  because it is true...

...at the cross, at the cross

bring your brokenness, and i'll bring mine
'cause love (God IS Love) can heal what hurt divides
and mercy's waiting on the other side
if we're honest
if we're honest

it would change our lives
it would set us free
it's what we need to be

if we're honest...

and truth melts me and cripples me and brings me to my knees...  God, knows ALL of my crap already.  He knows my insecurities, my lies of elevation, my stories that help me fit in and my stories that i hide.  He knows the whole gig... the entire scene...  the hidden, the embellished, the boasted and the twisted...

and He longs to set us free.

"you guys hide right here"...

it is the beginning of a life that could be hidden...  but it doesn't have to be.  and the freedom that comes from letting "it" be illuminated...  oh man!  what God can do with THAT!!!

and as for me...  in this moment, i am celebrating the women, the people that share with me their truth...  no matter how hard to digest.  i love the friends that i have been surrounded with that lay it all out.

it's true.  THAT friendship can often feel more challenging and vulnerable.  but those are the friendships that I WANT to be a part of.

and as for my girls (because that's what this blog is really about)...  i love your truth!  even when it is hard.  even when it is ugly.  even when it is out of my comprehension.  and the friends that they are making...  oh, my heart sores...  when they get to grapple with the truth of their peers.

truth is much easier to deal with than lies and pseudo-personalities and misconceptions.  there is ALWAYS a way to love a human that is REAL.  THAT love can be hard, for sure.  but it is pure and rich and worth everything.


it really, truly, can set us free.

oh, and mercy...  it is rich and pure and lovely.

check out the link below.  i hope you love it as much as i do.

If We're Honest by Francesca Battistelli

Winner, winner, Chicken Dinner!

tonight is a post about reflection.  it is about truth.  it is about meaning.  and purpose.  and value and who YOU are.  and who you are not.

it is real.  and tough and straightforward.  it is honest.  it is raw.  it is harsh.

are you ready?

in the motherhood there is not one winner.

after a solid 18 years you will not get asked to stand on the podium and claim your gold medal.  you won't be offered a silver or a bronze, either.  in fact, feeling that you deserve a medal will feel conceited and self-righteous, dishonest and convoluted.

we are all (or the better majority of us), deserving of the gold.

it's true.  i do not tell a lie.

i remember when i first took steps into this motherhood journey i thought that the gold  an awesome mom was wrapped up in natural childbirth, breastfeeding and minimizing carcinogens.  i'm not kidding.  i totally thought that i was a rock star if my e had natural medicine, organic "first-foods" and milk made from me (which was produced by organic food, no bpa's and minimized anything that was synthetic).

i kid you not!

and what a ride of disappointment i was in for?!!

natural childbirth with e = epic fail!

sleep training = oh no you didn't!

breast feeding = mastitis squared.

and then d came along...

natural childbirth = "i got this!"
sleep training = rockin' it!
breast feeding = holla!

oh wait....  she has food allergies and rashes and antibiotics galore.  do i get some kind of honorable mention for seeing a naturopath for her allergies?  i mean, i switched to 365 diapers from whole foods!  that has got to cancel out something!

and then there was p...

natural childbirth...  totally!  but it sucked and hurt and almost was the death of me.  worth it?  i...  think?  i mean....  absolutely?

sleep training...  we got her out of our bed by age 4 so we rocked THAT????!!!  and she had colic and crying and a need to sleep with mom for at least 3 years prior...  and most of my wrinkles are because i was sleep deprived for the better part of nine years.

and she totally rocked the boob.  she did!

but at the age of 6 she eats a total of zero fruits.  oh, wait.  she eats granny smith apple slivers if cut by mom on a tuesday with the correct knife.  and she loves vegetables!  and by that i mean, she will eat broccoli, asparagus stems (but not tips) and carrots dipped in ranch (thank you ms. kristin!).

totally up for mom of the year.  think no further about who might win the gold.  hands down- it is me!...  or maybe you...  or really none of us...  because you know your kid hates asparagus, and beef and milk....  she has was birthed by c-section and she can't (fill-in-the-blank).

eleven years into this parenthood gig, i laugh at my former self.  what a joke!  if i had known about the tween years i would have given myself a high-five for just birthing a baby...  or even something living!  if i had pushed out a goldfish, that would have been reason enough to be proud!

but i didn't.  i birthed a real, live, wonderful, girl.  three times, in fact.  they are complicated and sweet.  they are opinionated and funny.  they are creative, amazing... and exhausting.

and every day of their lives is a gold medal moment.

last year my sisters dropped off her eldest, my maxi, at west point.

he had a cord wrapped around his neck...  traumatic birth!

he nursed like a champ.

he needed back scratches in order to sleep for the better part of his first year.  and second year.  and third year....

he rocked the golf course.

he struggled with the potty business.

and now, he attends WEST POINT...  where he plays FOOTBALL.  my sister wins the gold.  for sure!

my other sister had a baby weeks and weeks early.

he needed breathing treatments for months.

he was little and slightly behind developmentally.

for several years.

this year he is a frosh at taylor university, with scholarships, rocking out his faith while he plays football for his school.  he is an academic champ.  he is amazing with small children.  he can hold his own in an adult conversation.

gold medal momma?  for sure!  my sister gets to own that!

from the sidelines i can see their successes.  but in the trenches, i'm not sure they always felt like gold medal mommas.  from day one, they parented the best they knew how, with God as their guide.  one step in front of the other, not always feeling like rockstars, but aiming for the best with each pass that life handed them.

and moral of the story is this:  at the end of the day, there is not a gold medal.  do the best you can.  rock whatever you feel led to rock in the motherhood.  teach morals.  teach values.  teach boys to be boys with honor.  teach girls to be girls with grace.  teach your boys be gracious.  teach your girls be honorable.

i look at those in my circle regularly.  there is the momma that works full-time and leaves her babes in the hands of someone she has carefully chosen and she is rockin' the motherhood.  gold medal winner!

there is the momma rockin' the full time gig with her kiddos in aftercare at the local school- gold medal winner!

there is the part-time momma, the pocket-book expanding momma, the lean-pocket momma, the traveling poppa momma, the single momma rockin' the motherhood, the no family in sight momma, the "it takes a village momma", the special circumstances momma, the twin momma, the...  fill in the blank...

and each one of them wins the gold.
visualize it.

stand on the podium in your mind!

listen to the anthem.  let the medal  be placed around your neck.  hold the flowers.

the motherhood is "no joke".  we each win this gig- for creativity, or perseverance, or best-in-show, or  "biggest obstacle overcome"... or whatever your title may be.

claim it.

own it.

and know that you are the "winner, winner, chicken dinner" of this motherhood gig.

it is hard.

it sucks from time to time.

it is never-ending.

and it it totally worth it...  even when it feels insane.

even when it feels pointless.

you are molding human beings.

they need you.

they love you.

and the direction you steer  them in maters.


final thoughts:
(and while you are in the motherhood race, it might be best if we cheer on our fellow teammates.  building up those around us, pouring into their motherhood and letting them pour into ours- it is a win for everyone.)

You've got to swim, baby, swim!

i wanted my girls to swim last season.  desperately.  but somehow the buser girls didn't make the team.  it wasn't because they couldn't swim it was because i was a day late.  literally.  i tried to sign them up and our team was full in a 24 hour time span.

i made it my mission to get them on the team this year.  a momma has got to do what a momma has got to do.  and let me say, it wasn't easy.  i asked questions of long-time swimmers to be met with peeps that had me to believe that if they didn't swim by age 4 their swim career was over.  O- VER!  part of me bought what those mommas were selling, but the realist in me decided that a nine year old and a six year old could not be counted out just yet.  i persisted.

on an anniversary night away, momma set the alarm clock and logged into the swim team registration at EXACTLY 12:01 on the given date and signed my two eldest babes up for the team.  we would not be counted out.

and yet i must admit, I wasn't totally sure that I wanted IN.

we have been swimming since march and i was hooked from week one.  coach brett and coach jen hooked me from day one.  they made a huge point to KNOW my girls.  coach brett figured out both of them from the get-go.  he knew that d liked jokes and smiles and that e liked competition.  he knew that d would push herself against her peers but that e would push herself against her sister.  he knew when to lie low and when to push hard.

week one, d could swim a few strokes but her butterfly was lacking.  girlie could barely make it across the pool.

her back stoke was lacking and she didn't use her push off to gain distance.

and her two-hand touch often was her demise.

but he never gave up on my girls.  and my heart was happy because they were happy.  meet after meet.  they loved it!

and he knew me.

he talked to me poolside and showed me that it wasn't today that mattered but the long term swimmers in each of them.  when they succeeded he celebrated.  when they needed encouragement, he met that need.  when they needed space, he gave it.  my e hated going off the block, coach jen found small accomplishments and pushed her towards the next one.

and today, on our last meet, my e went off the block for every race!

they pursued their personal bests and they valued being part of this great team.  and if i hadn't been so consumed in getting each girlie into line for each race, i would have cried!  i loved watching them excel.  i loved watching them make friends.  i loved watching them cheer on their peers.  i loved getting to hang with my own peers.  i even loved my job (where i got to meet swimmers from each age group and learn what made them tick).

and even pops, who didn't swim this year, found joy in each meet!  she made friends and she learned what being a dolphin means- camaraderie!

we didn't have a first place banner year, but we did have a year of amazing.  i am in awe.  i am proud. i am thankful and amazed and slightly sunburned from the past 5 months.

our swim career is clearly NOT over.  it has JUST BEGUN.

go dolphins!

camp

last week i sent my eldest to sleep-over camp for a week for the first time.

i'll admit that when i signed her up i had visions of a life of leisure, easy street, mani's, pedi's and 33% less daily tasks to contend with.

i was wrong.

given that she was to be dropped off in the santa cruz mountains on father's day, we decided to take advantage of our proximity to the sea before her arrival time.  it was a lovely day.  we surfed.  we boogie boarded.  we picnicked.

it was a good day.

late afternoon, we arrived at camp for drop-off.  scott took the girlies off to explore the grounds while i checked in the eldest.  as i took in the sites, i was excited.  it looked like there was a lot of fun to be had.  it harkened me back to my camp years and my mind flooded with memories of new friends, bug juice, canoeing, campfire songs and my first crush...  wait what?  my mind came to a screeching halt when i thought about that boy with the cute blue and white checkerboard hat that i thought was divine back in the day.  would my girl meet a boy?

why did i sign her up for this?

have i gone stark raving mad?

am i really going to leave my nine year old in the middle of the santa cruz mountains?

hells to the no.  we are out of here.

at that moment, i had reached the front of the line and the registration lady was calling me forward.  i smiled.  i nodded.  i turned in her spending money and insurance forms.  in exchange i was given her bunk assignment.

again, flooded by the warm fuzzy feeling and dismissing the thought of ne'er do well boys that had devious plans to lead my daughter astray.

i went off in search of scott and the girls with the intent of finding e's cabin.  i found them in the barn (!!!  this camp is amazing  !!!  they have a barn!!!).  e was petting a bunny (um, hello!  can you say "love language"?)  and p was nuzzling in the grass with a kitten.  kids were volley balling in the backgrounding and the delightful screech of kids descending down the zip line was off in the distance.  joy.  joy.  joy.  yes!  please!

the five of us grabbed e's duffle and wandered off in the direction of the girl's cabins (which were clearly AWAY from the boy's cabins, thank goodness).  i let out a sigh and took in the beauty of nature as we walked along.  i kept looking at my girl.  she seemed ok.  she seemed eager and with resolve that she could handle a week without the rents.  there was a timidness behind her brave face, but i could sense that she had this.  she was going to be fine.

and then i saw the cabins.  what the what???

pause for a moment.

when you hear the word "cabin" what comes to mind?

what this momma saw, was not what had come to mind when i was typing in the digits for my credit card a few months back.  i wanted to grab girlie by the arm and make a run for it.  she would not, she could not, survive in this...  cabin  shelter that they were calling a cabin.  she would be eaten by bears, sprayed by skunks, mangled by those california mountain lions or whatever else exists out here in the middle of nowhere, ca!

but that isn't exactly the face of a momma that reassures her girl when she is uncertain.  THAT would be the opposite of helpful.  and so i put my brave face on, smiled and marched my girl into the structure that i had been made to believe was a "cabin".  i helped my girlie choose a top bunk and i fought back the choke of tears that was in my throat.

and then "shalom", the counselor stuck out her hand and introduced herself.  her real name was not "shalom" but each of the counselors had chosen a moniker for the summer and that was hers.  i liked her already.  she was EXACTLY what a camp counselor should look like.  she was kind and sweet and reassuring.  she was peaceful and outdoorsy, and had decorated the bunk with soda bottles filled with flowers.  it is possible that she didn't shave but she didn't smell like patchouli and she didn't smell badly.  she was cheerful and wore a back pack on her back.  she had hung a kammok roo in the "cabin" and laid rugs on the floor.  i knew she would care for my girl.

we settled the girl into her bunk.  we met the bunk mates and then we went back to the common space.  i tried to dismiss the idea that girlie was practically sleeping in the wilderness.  i tried to dismiss the idea of her being sprayed by skunks and stung by scorpions and clenched by snakes.

there was an opening ceremony where the counselors were introduced and in spite of my desire to loathe these people that couldn't possibly care for my girl the way that i could, i found myself liking them.  all of them.  instantly.  they were quirky.  they were fun.  they were warm.  we opened with prayer.  we sang a camp song.  and then the parents and family members were invited to leave.

e, not being a fan of big ordeals, gave each of us apathetic hugs.  and then she started to cling to her group and wave us off towards the car.  it was time to go.

again, knowing that the e is not a fan of ordeals, i turned with the rest of the fam and walked in the direction of the car.  it was weird.  in all of my nine years with e, we have never been away for a full week.  and when we have been separated, she has been in the hands of grandma.  this was not the norm and yet i knew in my heart of hearts that this was good and this was ok and this was right.

but it was hard.

on satuday, her father retrieved her from camp.  she was tired, a little disgruntled but mostly filled with happy stories about her week away.

we went for fro-yo and she shared her happenings from the week and while she didn't say that she loved it, it was obvious that she had a good time.

it was a hard week for the momma.  yes, i enjoyed my time with two under the roof.  no, it didn't include things like easy street or a life of leisure or even 33% less...  it was about 99% more worry.  i thought about my girl 24/7 and missed her like crazy.  i talked myself out of driving up the mountain and retrieving her.  i resisted the urges to call the camp director several times a day (i didn't even call once).  although i may have stalked the website for daily uploads of my girl and i may have cried a few times at breakfast when i saw her empty spot...  possible.  not committing to that, though.

let's just say it was good to have her back under my roof.

this week, i took the girls to vbs at a local church.  on day two, e was miffed about going.  when i picked her up she told me it was "ok".  and then she proceeded to tell me that it wasn't nearly as cool as sleep away camp where she rode motorcycles, shot riffles, engaged in archery and climbed rope courses to the top of redwood trees.

"so you had a pretty fun time at camp?"

"yeah, mom!  it was the best week of my life."

and so i guess we are doing it again next year.

gulp.

my 4th girlie

this girl.  and my girl.  they make my heart happy.

 i have to write about this now, because i don't think that my heart can handle it two weeks out.  i just can't.

but these two were in a 2nd/3rd split class three years ago and they have been besties ever since.  i wish i could accurately describe their friendship to you, but i am not sure i even know where to begin.  they are two peas in one pod...  a sometimes strange pod...  (giggle)...  but one pod.

they play games with these imaginary hand puppets that they call "bear" and "jaguar" and use these voices to talk to each other through above mentioned characters.  it is adorable, slightly annoying and incredibly creative.  they build houses for their american girl dolls out of recyclables and take over the better portion of available floor space in their bedrooms with said materials.  they don't like dresses, or pink, or fashion, or anything that is "too girly".

about a year ago, i offered them each a blank book that i had left over from my mother's group.  they happily took them and put their heads together as to how to make the best use of them.  it didn't take long for them to begin journaling together.  often, they can be found sitting on e's bed with their books in hand, writing stories together, or creating pictorials of the happenings of their day.  i mean really, when two besties engage in collaborative story writing???  how does a momma not LOVE that?  (she does!)

they adopt one another's "likes" and if it is too far of a stretch to turn their besties likes into personal faves, they develop a respect for it at the very least.  they "like" bacon, taylor swift, making green screen stop motion movies, swimming, perusing items to buy (when they have enough $) on ebay, surfing, bethany hamilton, their dads, bunnies, mermaids, and frozen yogurt.

they went through a fairy hunting phase, a gymnastics practice phase, a moshi-monster phase, a movie star planet craze, and various other extensions of play.  when they are together e's happiest of happy emerges.  her smile is bigger.  her eyes are brighter and her confidence is maximized.  they giggle together.  they problem solve together.  hand in hand, they are sorting out friendships, personal challenges, growing from littles into bigs, boys (gasp), and every other aspect of this crazy thing called life.

watching it has been precious.

they are the type of girls that don't need (or really want) to be part of the big clique.  they are a 1:1 sort of peep - as long as they have each other they are perfectly fine.  and while this has had its challenges (being in different grades and all), it is truly what they prefer.  they try to venture out, and each of them does have friendships outside of one another, but together is how they long to be.

and next year that reality will change.  norah will go off to middle school and e will stay where she is now.  i miss seeing them walk out of school together each day already.  and yet this is a very real part of growing up.  i know they will remain dear friends, but my heart hurts as i anticipate the change that they are about to go through.  and at the same time, i feel a peace and calm knowing that they will help each other navigate this transition.  while it sort of feels "bad" knowing how hard it could be on them, it also feels very good that they will be by one another's side as they grow wings.  i know they will both grow wings.  i know that their friendship will change a bit.  and i believe it will be good for both of them to learn to navigate life separately just as much as it has been good for them to navigate life together.

and even as i write this, i anticipate standing on the other side of the door listening to them on a future sleepover as they discuss their new school years and describe their school situations to one another.

but that is a few months down the road...  for now, i will rest in summer and playdates (hang time as they call it...  littles growing into bigs...  changing their vernacular to suit their maturity) and sleepovers and ice cream and just watching them be besties together.

...i will watch them skip off to the car hand in hand to go to the pool with norah's mother and smile because i know that together they are in their happy place.  and what more could a mother want for her eldest girlie?

she's everywhere i look

"wellsville, wellsville, here we come!  right back where we started from.  open up those pearly gates.  here we come!"

those are the lyrics to the song my family would sing every time that we drove to visit my grandparents when i was a child.  when the song concluded we would all play a silly guessing game of where we thought grandma lived.  someone would guess the salvation army dumpster.  someone else would guess inside the high school.  another person would guess that she lived behind a certain car on main street.  and then we would all shout as we REALLY saw her home.  

"i saw grandma's house first!"

we went through this ritual each and every time we visited her.  and it never grew old.  it was a tradition that we lived for.

the car would roll into the circular driveway in front of their beautiful home and we would all scramble from the car to run through the front door and into the arms of our beloved grandparents.

the memory, which hasn't been repeated in years, is still fresh in my mind.  i can hear the sound of their security system dinging the announcement of our arrival (as if the the sounds of shouting grandchildren wasn't enough).  i can smell the fragrance of their home and see the lighting in my eyes.  i know the placement of the furniture.  it is still crystal clear in my mind.

my dearest gram took her last breath back in february.  i was blessed to have her in my life for much longer than i could have expected.  she lived a beautiful 94 years.  i miss her every day. i think of her poise and her smile.  i miss the softness of her aged skin and the laughter in her voice.  i miss the deep blue of her eyes.  she was the jackie-o of grandmothers.  intelligent, coifed, thoughtful, funny, beautiful and filled with wisdom.  she didn't let life meander and pass her by.  she took it by storm- carving out her way and living each and every day to the fullest.  she was intentional as a mother, grandmother, friend, neighbor and human being- always looking for the way to put her stamp on things and be present.

and as i reflect on her life and our shared experiences, my heart is full.  there isn't a moment of my life that she didn't touch and didn't presence herself in with meaning and light.

there are so many days when i want to pick up the phone and press her speed-dial number to say "hello".  but that is no longer a reality.  

i was thinking about her and wishing i could call her last sunday on "mother's day".  it was a natural thing to do on that day for me, and my heart was sad.  as i sat in that moment for a bit, i realized how lucky i am.  she is everywhere i look.  

i think grandma lives...

on the top of my piano in a photo taken with my sisters, step-mom, and aunties from a cherished weekend we had several years ago- reaching her hands into the heavens.

she lives in an obscure painting on my living room wall and in a special chair that came from her antique shop- both of which were delivered to california to me by family members who never could have known what they would mean to me now.  i sit in that chair from time to time and look up at that odd painting- filled with memories of times spent in my grandmother's "enchanted castle" (her loving home).

she resides in my umbrella stand...

and in the hairbrush set of my guest room...

and so many...  SO MANY other places.  i see her every time i turn around and feel her loving memories in my soul.  i miss her terribly.

most of all, i think grandma lives in my heart.  and in that place- i can still feel her and the natural reaction is to smile at the greatness she left within me.  

mr. toad's wild ride

i have told this story a billion times in a billion different ways to multitudes of peeps.  if you have heard it before, i apologize.  i also promise that this version has an added twist.  it might be worthy of a read.

when i first moved to p-town, i joined mops from the jump.  my first session was attended while we were still living in a hotel and waiting for our moving truck to make the journey across the country.  it was on, like, day three of my new life.  it also happened to be the first time that i felt peace over the course of the journey.

as i settled into that chair around the table with other mommas, i was washed over with this feeling of comfort and peace.  pops was in the baby sling strapped to my chest and d and e were in the kid program.  as i sipped coffee and exchanged conversation with this new group of women, i felt a wave of rest wash over me.  it was an "it is well with my soul" moment where i claimed confidently that we were going to be ok.  for the first time in months i was able to exhale and truly believe that california was going to turn out alright.

mops operates on a bi-weekly schedule and after two weeks had passed i was eager to get back to that table and anticipated that i might feel a sweep of that feeling of calm once again.  (those first few weeks didn't hold many moments of calm in the day-to-day and so i was hopeful it might happen again.  a momma can always hope, right?)

the second meeting of the mops group was met with a speaker from a local preschool talking about discipline in the motherhood and how to best show love to these babies of ours while walk through the toddler years.  she was a very good speaker, but if i am honest, the topic wasn't one that i needed much coaching in. not because i've got "mom of a preschooler" nailed, but i was longing for fuel for my soul and some form of a distraction from the crazy life of "mom of a preschooler". (but boy, could i use her now in the pre-teen years!)  but there was something about those moments as i listened to her talk.  i kept feeling this draw to her and a nudge on my heart to know her more.  at the end of the session she passed out a brochure for the preschool where she was director, answered some questions, prayed for the mommas in the room and left.  the brochure felt heavy in my hands and i was sure in that moment that God was telling me that this is where my babes were to go to preschool when the time approached for d and p.  i tucked it in my purse, prayed a bit for clarity, felt a firm confirmation in my heart and went on with my day.

upon arriving home, i tucked the brochure into a file folder labeled "delaney", knowing that when the time came i would check it out.

almost 15 months later, i pulled out that file folder to find the name of the school that i had felt God confirm in my heart as the place for my babes.  i immediately googled the school and examined the curriculum.  great.  it was play based.  and a co-o.  not exactly the direction i had planned on taking.  what to do?  what to do?

a new friend of mine was also planning on signing up at the same school.  we made plans to carpool together and sent each other reminders about dates for registration packets, medical forms etc.  what had felt good, and then felt bad, began to feel good again.  i liked the idea that our girls would go together.

but in the weeks that passed before making a final commitment, the internet kept calling my name.  i began to google local preschools and scrutinize their programs.  several non-play based, academic curriculum schools kept calling my name.  and just as soon as i would set up an interview, God would shut it down.  conviction would sweep my heart and i would cancel the tour.

i signed d up for the play based, co-op school that went against my internal curriculum driven grain.

i wish i could say that i did it with confidence and joy, but that isn't so.  it was more of a, "ok, God.  but you better rock this out and make it fab.  because this isn't looking fab right now...  are you sure this is what you want?  i mean, did you see the reading program at preschool y?  you know i have a degree in elementary education, right?..."  (ok- i might have taken some creative liberties in that little chat with God, but you get my point.  i wasn't "all in".)

somewhere over the course of the summer, my carpool gal and friend announced she had pulled her kids and was sending them to another school.  she didn't offer any explanation and it rocked my world a bit.  my head swirled with doubt and i felt very "left behind".  all the images that i had placed my hope in for these girlies vanished without having any real understanding.  i was hurt, for sure.  but mostly, i was envious.  so many times, i had wanted to do the same.  i wanted to pull the plug on this school and run in the exact opposite direction.  but i knew that i couldn't...  because while i wasn't showing the joy that i know God desires to see in me, i knew that obedience was of the utmost importance.

and when september rolled around, my d marched her way into mrs. christina's classroom and didn't skip a beat.  at the end of the first week they gave d her very own bible and she came home and wanted to sleep with it.  it meant the world to her.  week after week, she would ask me to read the passages to her that she had learned in class.  and then came chapel day.  i had no idea!  but once a month the director, the miss kelly from that second mops meeting would lead the kids in worship songs and do silly things all in the name of writing Jesus on their hearts.  she taught them how to pray and how to be a friend of this sometimes hard to follow invisible God.  she equipped them and filled their tool box with all the skills they will need to know as they navigate this great gift of life- right from the only true source of life.  i know the chapel days were for the kids, but session after session i found that her words were really just as profound to me.  and often i would walk out of that sanctuary with a full heart and tears in my eyes because while i had doubted this was exactly what our little family needed.

who knew that this preschool experience would impact them so much?  not i.  but who could have even guessed that it was also God's plan for me?  over and over i was in awe.  over and over i was in disbelief.  and it was another stamp on my life of the message that God has got this!  my plan always pales so much in comparison to His plan.  my ideas of good always fall so very short from where His idea of good will extend to.

i will admit that there were moments where i cringed along the way.  mostly, those moments were during the year of two in preschool.  dropping off the tuition check always hurt a bit and the co-op schedule of two kiddos was exhausting.  really it was.  e went to kindy a full reading machine- d did not.  but i can say that at the end of the first year of public school, d is right on par reading away and on target for academic success.  as i watched it unfold i could exhale because that play based curriculum didn't limit her or put her at a disadvantage as i had feared.  in fact, it gave her confidence and social skills that have served her well.

our year with mrs. holly was over the top amazing.  p's time with mrs. cheryl and her little friends, perfect in every way for her.  and then this year pulled into the station.  ms. kristin- the teacher that people all over town have asked me if we have had.  she has a fan base- people talk about her faith, her smile, her patience, her creativity and her sense of humor.  apparently she was a rockstar in every way.  and our number had finally come to experience this teacher.

and very little could have prepared me for mr. toad's wild ride the fabulous miss k's WILD RIDE!  it has been a blast!  she takes everything that is already good and fabulous and great about this school and blows it up larger than you could ever imagine.

her love for Jesus- out of this world!  her ability to model kindness, love, compassion, hope and the promise of heaven- off the charts.  the girl can sing. (watch out francesca!)  she takes project time to a whole new level.  has been known to teach the preschoolers some slightly inappropriate camp songs...  jk- they are totally appropriate...  and totally hilarious.  and fills each and every day with laughter and crazy miss k LOVE.

and the girl has nailed sarcasm.  the good funny way that makes co-op days HEEE-Larious!  and pops is all over peeps that use sarcasm. if sarcasm was a love language, it would be the way to p's heart. pops loved miss k from jump street.  and momma found a new friend.  over the course of the year, this crazy preschool teacher became my love too.  the year may be winding down, but this friendship between crazy miss k and p's momma has nearly just begun.

and so today, on my last co-op day ever, my heart was filled with mixed emotions.  sadness.  check.  happiness to spend a day in the most joy filled preschool classroom ever.  check.  elation that my days as a preschool co-op momma are finally over coming to a sad close.  check.  but also because of what it speaks to my heart about God.  i've said it before.  i'll say it again.

He's totally got this.  His plan will blow your mind and He has filled our last three years of my time as a preschool momma with so much amazing it blows my mind.  it was a day to celebrate indeed.

(disclaimer:  we did not ACTUALLY celebrate today, in the classroom, while the fabulous miss k was watching littles.  however, THAT really would have been a wild ride.  but i did want miss k to know that we celebrate her and that she was exactly where God called her to be at this moment in time.)

and because miss k loves the hashtag...

#peaceoutpreschoolthismommasgraduating

#terrified

#canmisskcomewithme

#ineedmrskellyforalifecoach