she's everywhere i look

"wellsville, wellsville, here we come!  right back where we started from.  open up those pearly gates.  here we come!"

those are the lyrics to the song my family would sing every time that we drove to visit my grandparents when i was a child.  when the song concluded we would all play a silly guessing game of where we thought grandma lived.  someone would guess the salvation army dumpster.  someone else would guess inside the high school.  another person would guess that she lived behind a certain car on main street.  and then we would all shout as we REALLY saw her home.  

"i saw grandma's house first!"

we went through this ritual each and every time we visited her.  and it never grew old.  it was a tradition that we lived for.

the car would roll into the circular driveway in front of their beautiful home and we would all scramble from the car to run through the front door and into the arms of our beloved grandparents.

the memory, which hasn't been repeated in years, is still fresh in my mind.  i can hear the sound of their security system dinging the announcement of our arrival (as if the the sounds of shouting grandchildren wasn't enough).  i can smell the fragrance of their home and see the lighting in my eyes.  i know the placement of the furniture.  it is still crystal clear in my mind.

my dearest gram took her last breath back in february.  i was blessed to have her in my life for much longer than i could have expected.  she lived a beautiful 94 years.  i miss her every day. i think of her poise and her smile.  i miss the softness of her aged skin and the laughter in her voice.  i miss the deep blue of her eyes.  she was the jackie-o of grandmothers.  intelligent, coifed, thoughtful, funny, beautiful and filled with wisdom.  she didn't let life meander and pass her by.  she took it by storm- carving out her way and living each and every day to the fullest.  she was intentional as a mother, grandmother, friend, neighbor and human being- always looking for the way to put her stamp on things and be present.

and as i reflect on her life and our shared experiences, my heart is full.  there isn't a moment of my life that she didn't touch and didn't presence herself in with meaning and light.

there are so many days when i want to pick up the phone and press her speed-dial number to say "hello".  but that is no longer a reality.  

i was thinking about her and wishing i could call her last sunday on "mother's day".  it was a natural thing to do on that day for me, and my heart was sad.  as i sat in that moment for a bit, i realized how lucky i am.  she is everywhere i look.  

i think grandma lives...

on the top of my piano in a photo taken with my sisters, step-mom, and aunties from a cherished weekend we had several years ago- reaching her hands into the heavens.

she lives in an obscure painting on my living room wall and in a special chair that came from her antique shop- both of which were delivered to california to me by family members who never could have known what they would mean to me now.  i sit in that chair from time to time and look up at that odd painting- filled with memories of times spent in my grandmother's "enchanted castle" (her loving home).

she resides in my umbrella stand...

and in the hairbrush set of my guest room...

and so many...  SO MANY other places.  i see her every time i turn around and feel her loving memories in my soul.  i miss her terribly.

most of all, i think grandma lives in my heart.  and in that place- i can still feel her and the natural reaction is to smile at the greatness she left within me.