9 years ago today, i was 41 3/4 weeks prego with my first baby. scott and i got pregnant easily. my pregnancy was also easy without a single issue (aside from some warnings from my ob to lay off the coldstone). step by step and day by day we marched into parenthood without a hitch. and i had no idea how thankful i should have been. later i learned.
and then labor began. and easy street was over.
i had no clue what i was doing. i was ill prepared in every single way. i took the classes. i read the books (many, many books), but there was little that could have prepared me for the pain of birth.
e arrived on the scene just before bedtime. i remember vividly being wheeled from labor and delivery to the maternity ward at northwestern, arriving in the room and then preparing to go to bed.
imagine my surprise when that sweet bundle was NOT prepared for bed. in that moment i realized that you can read all the books, take as many classes as you want, check every mommy blog, consult with "expert" mommies... you name it, you can do it. but NOTHING can prepare you for parenthood. it is a learn on the job experience. as you walk through it, you figure it out.
and so to my sweet baby girl...
you have rocked my world in the most amazing way. i had no idea what i was doing and you have been my little guinea pig. i've had some motherhood successes and quite a few epic fails.
and while i feel badly for the times that i have not gotten it right, i thank you. for in each experience that mothering you has given me, i've learned a LOT about life.
i've learned that you can't control people and you can't completely figure them out. the human being is intricate and complex in every way. through learning this, i've learned to appreciate our creator in a new way. he's wired us in such an amazing way and filled us with beauty that unfolds layer by layer. i see that beauty in you and am in awe. you are amazing, complicated, smart, witty, playful and yet very serious. from the moment you were born right up until now, you surprise me as i learn new layers that you possess. and as i learn each new thing about you, i continue to be amazed that God could build such a beautiful you. in the brief moments when i doubt creation or the ability of a God to think things into being, i just look at you. it erases that doubt instantly because you are too special, too complex, too unique!
i've also learned a lot about forgiveness. for years, sweet e, i wondered how God could possibly forgive me for some of the things i have done. i'm a pretty good person MOST of the time but not ALL of the time. gossip can occasionally creep into my conversations, anger can be a stronghold when my plan isn't panning out, and sometimes kindness isn't my go-to behavior. in fact, sometimes the unkind thoughts ring louder in my head. i've struggled in my faith to understand how this perfect God could forgive me over and over and over again for the same repeated behaviors. it drives me crazy. it MUST drive God insane.
and through you, i've learned all about this. you see, as wonderful as you are, you too are human. you have a sin nature that pops up from time to time. you are a rule follower and you have always wanted to make momma happy. even when you were itty bitty, you listened to my voice and intended to obey my instruction. but even you, a girl who desires to be good, fumbles from time to time. and when you do, it is easy to forgive you for i know that you don't WANT to be naughty. but sometimes we all are naughty.
as i walked through you being naughty (from time to time), i learned how easy it CAN BE to forgive someone you love so much. you see, before you, forgiveness didn't always come easy to me. but somehow, when it is your daughter, when it is your flesh and blood, forgiveness just comes. it is easy and it is natural and it is swift.
and as i experienced that with you, my sweet girl, i learned to also receive it from MY father. i realized that God feels that very same thing about me... even when i can't stop doing the same thing... over and over and over again. each and every time He is able to draw me into His arms and say, "it's ok, tasha. you'll get it. maybe next time. maybe next year. but no matter what, i love you."
lastly, ellie girl, you've taught me joy. you have a smile and a carefree heart, that when opened, lights up the world. you illuminate a room and evoke giggles and smiles in ways i didn't know was possible. thank you for teaching me true authentic joy.
God calls us to live with this emotion at the forefront of our lives, but it is a choice. when you choose joy, girl, the payout is huge. thank you for eclipsing my heart with this emotion so many times.
your future is bright and i can't wait to see the next nine years and the nine after that... an on and on. it is pure pleasure, (ok... there are SOME moments of parental pain but mostly pure pleasure), watching you grow.
and remember, the world will try and change you. there will be things that push you or pull you in an attempt to get you off course. but when you are YOU, when you are true to the beautiful young woman that God designed you to be, you will rock this place and bloom in amazing ways.
always in love with you,
mom
No comments:
Post a Comment