today felt like a really sad day. i don't know that i can put words to all of it, but i felt defeated. deflated. overcome. world=1, me=0. tomorrow has to be better, right?
despondent,
the suburban momma
i sort of knew this was coming. it is the law of sir isaac newton or something, right? what goes up, must come down? i've been on a summer high for a few weeks or so and today became the perfect storm for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction. i won't go into all of it, but let's just say that issue one collided with issue two, which collided with issue three... and by, well, three in the afternoon. i found myself fighting off a grand old pity party for little old me.
for all of our summer highs (and believe you me, we've had a great number of them already), today was matched by an abundance of summer lows. after all of the highs, this momma is incredibly tired... and just like my three year old: tired + a piling up of difficult situations = a big 'ol melt down. except i am a grown up and melt downs are somewhat frowned upon... and so i willed myself to keep it together until i could escape out the door to a work event for the hubs.
getting out of the door almost produced an anxiety attack... literally. but with a great deal of "you can do this." and "come on, girlie, buck up and pull throughs"... i made through the afternoon and into my car.
i told you recently that i had been on a pre-summer binge to clean up the
as i hopped into the driver's seat for the hour long drive to the hub's work function, i remembered i had not grabbed the cd case... and something told me that i needed it. i ran inside and grabbed it off of the shelf where i had stashed it.
as i drove out of town, i couldn't get the cd that i wanted to hear to play. it kept skipping. i ejected it from the payer and plugged in an old favorite compilation of songs... feeling defeated once again.
about one exit down the highway i had this nagging feeling to try again. cd in. skipping. skipping. eject. try again. grrrr. try not to curse. eject. listen to the radio...
and then the nagging feeling kicked in again... "put in a cd from the case, tasha. try another one."
grr..
i switched out the cd and tried another one. and it began to play immediately.
the general theme of the sermon was the story of creation and it segwayed into the story of abraham. the line that was drawn between the two was this line we walk as jesus lovers every day- "do you trust me?"
from creation and the declaration of "it is good"- do you believe that? do you trust that God is good? do you believe He has good in store for you? do you hope for heaven because you know it will be good? better than good?
and it drew the line to abraham... leaving his life that was pretty "good" to go wander in the desert in attempt to trust God to be met by all sorts of trials and grumbling and irritations... to a son being born- beyond all hope or belief- to being asked to sacrifice that very son. and it ended with this question of, "abraham, do you trust me?"
ouch.
it sort of put my grumpy day into perspective. it diminished my need to compare. my "ick", while real and true and honestly felt, does not quite compare to this.
and guilt began to creep in and an internal argument ensued:
be grateful for what you have, tasha!
but i don't have what i want. what i want isn't too much to ask for! and it hurts. it really hurts.
but you have a lot, girl. get over it.
i can't get over it.
it isn't fair and it isn't right.
life isn't fair.
it feels like "less than" and if it was just about me then "less than" would be fine... but it's about my girls. i want "more than" for them.
but...
but...
and as i struggled and hashed out this crappy (but very real and incredibly honest) interaction within myself, i started to ask myself some pretty serious questions...
do you trust that God is good?
yes. very much so. with every ounce of me.
do you believe he has plans filled with promise for you (and your girlies)?
oh, yes. yes. without doubt. he's shown it to me. i've tasted it. it is true and beautiful and real... very, very real.
so what are all the excuses about? why has today been the perfect storm for sadness and sorrow and regret and hopelessness?
and at that point in my mental showdown, i had reached my destination. i stopped the mental dialogue, parked the car and went into the restaurant to meet scott. we engaged in the activities of the night, made small talk, ate some yummy food, caught up with friends and settled into a nice evening. and i put the day behind me.
in the car on the way home i listened to the radio and heard a song that was new to me.
i almost couldn't believe the lyrics.
when i arrived home i listened to it about twenty times because i couldn't quite believe how much it spoke to me.
hello, my name is regret.
i'm pretty sure we have met.
every single day of your life i'm the whisper inside that won't let you forget.
hello, my name is defeat.
i know you recognize me.
just when you think you can win i drag you right back down again until you've lost all belief.
oh, these are the voices. these are the lies.
and i have believed them for the very last time.
hello, my name is child of the one true king.
i've been saved. i've been changed. i have been set free.
amazing grace is the song i sing.
hello, my name is child of the one true king.
i am no longer defined by all the wreckage behind.
the one who makes all things new has proven it's true so take a look at my life.
hello,my name is child of the one true king.
i've been saved. i've been changed. i have been set free.
amazing grace is the song i sing.
hello, my name is child of the one true king.
what love the father has lavished upon us that we should be called His children?
i am the child of the one true King.
as i listened to the song (on repeat), i exhaled. i know that i am a slow learner. i know this truth. really, i do. but sometimes it is a delayed eclipse of my heart. often i need reminders. far too frequently, i need it highlighted and illuminated and put in big bold glitter letters for me to know (to REALLY KNOW) that who i am is enough... i am free. i have grace and i am not defined by the storm that is sometimes in my tailwind. i get to own me. i do. the good, the bad, and the ugly. but i don't have to own all the other crap. and the bad and the ugly... well, that is exactly where grace steps in.
i can accept it.
or not.
it's my choice.
but either way i choose, God's choice doesn't waiver. He CHOSE me. and when He was nailed to that cross, in one hand he held all of my junk right there in His palm.
if i choose to ignore that He did that for me... well, that just feels really sad. like he bought me the best present ever and i took it and ran with it but never said "thank you" and never acknowledged that it was He who gave it to me. it's like a gift that sits in the corner, wrapped in the most decadent wrapping, but never opened. i can only imagine if i were the giver of that lavish gift- i can imagine that my excitement would slowly turn to anxiety, which would melt into frustration as the gift just sat there... unnoticed. unrecognized. unappreciated.
thankfully, God's approach is different from mine. thankfully, he is patient and He just waits. He nudges gently... "go ahead, girlie. remember that box of grace that you opened up years ago when you entered into a relationship with me? open it up. put it on. feel the freedom of the love and the grace and hope."
and as the gift is unwrapped, i can say, "thank you, thank you, thank you! you are enough. i trust you. how could i not? you gave me the greatest gift- the freedom from all this crap... and i can carry it on my own and never be enough. or accept the gift. which you already gave me... and have hope for the life and the "me" you want me to be."
defeated?
sometimes.
reminded that God is bigger and better and stronger and ever more gracious than i could imagine?
yes.
yes, please.
Love this. Thank you for sharing. What an awesome story of a simple discovery turned into complete worship and awe of God. You are so good at doing that, Tasha. I'm so glad you occasionally share those insights here.
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