"tox"

on wednesday night i had a giant sized melt-down. i'm not sure if that is the right word to describe it, but as a mom of three young girls, it's the word that comes to mind.

basically, my sister was to start her first chemo treatment the following day (thursday). scott was at a work function, three babes were tucked into bed and the gravity of my sister's situation hit my heart. i was praying and reading scripture, lifting her up to the only one that i know that holds her cards and knows how this story turns out. as i prayed, i kept thinking about the treatment- she's going to have to get sick in an effort to get better. i hate this for her. and somewhere in my time with God, tears began to fall... and fall... and fall. it's happened a few times since her diagnosis, but wednesday night was by far the worst. as i write that, i don't want to give the wrong impression.

i believe that she is "destined" to walk this path. i believe that she is giving the most amazing testimony to our creator as she does so. seriously, take a minute and check out her head space. she is right where she needs to be, and she is impacting lives as she rests in the hands of the great physician.

after my giant tear-fest, i came to the realization that i know to be true. God loves her, he trusts she will be obedient as she walks this path, and He is using her to impact people. through her trial, she is showing others that God is good (even in the midst of bad) and that faith is beautiful, for it is the true way that we get to feel the love our Father has for us. when we need to trust Him with each moment, He shows Himself to be pure, loving, compassionate, strong. i could go on and on.

on thursday morning, i was on facebook reading through some status updates. as i scrolled down the page, my heart stopped at these images:

i knew right away what they were snaps of- they were of a marker on my high school grounds. the marker was placed after my dear friend jon died tragically in a car accident. this moment is monumental in my life.

jon was my boyfriend of three very short months. our relationship changed my life. he died driving down a road too fast, loosing control of his car. i tempted fate so many times as a newly licensed driver down that same road, going as fast as my mom's car could go trying to figure it all out (not the smartest way to deal with grief, right?). there wasn't an answer to the question that i was asking- the "why him" remained.

but years later, i can look back and see how it changed me- how God uses bad to develop good.

jon was a young man of faith. he believed in God, in salvation, in repentance of sin, in embracing the cross. we talked about it a lot and it was sort of weird for me. while i went to church and believed the bible to be true, i didn't really translate that into my life.

as i marched into my twenties, with my faith pushed beneath the surface, i kept thinking of him. i kept thinking about how i was letting his testimony die by not embracing the cross. eventually, with the help of the Holy Spirit, Christ emerged triumphant in my life.

i can remember the last time i visited his grave vividly. i had driven home from atlanta for thanksgiving. on the 14 hour ride home, i listened to amy grant. not sure why that was in my collection at the time, but into the cd player it went. and as i drove, God became more real to me than He ever had before. during that car ride, my heart broke. not in a bad way, but in a way that allowed me to embrace the cross. in a way that caused my life to do a 180 and turn towards living with Him. i knew that up until that point, i had it all wrong. God was so much more than i had ever allowed Him to be or known Him to be- God was real. He wasn't just words on a page- He was relational. He longed for me to talk to Him, to be transformed by Him.

i arrived in winc- embracing that relationship. a few days later i made a trip to the cemetery, which i had done hundreds of times before. but this trip was different. instead of going to the cemetery and being angry at a God who could take this beautiful human being from earth, i went embracing the beauty that God allowed me to see through his life. i was filled with gratitude by this boy who lived what he believed. and i was grateful to have been caught in the rays of His light that were cast around my world through jon. it was my last trip to the cemetery, eleven years ago.

while there, i also had an epiphany. jon isn't there.

he's in heaven. i'm not sure what that looks like, but i believe that it is beautiful and pure. while he is missed by many on earth, God used his life's trial for good. i could see it, for the first time, in my own life. his life pointed me to the cross.

as i looked at these pictures on thursday, i had another aha moment. on the marker the words "these moments immortal" are inscribed. it's taken from a new model army song. i realized as i read them, that in fact, the moments of jon are immortal- let me explain.

his life will go on and on and on- in heaven. not because he was good, but because he was a confessed sinner who embraced forgiveness. and they go on further- they go on in my life. because of his influence and the impact that his death had on me (as well as many other events in my life), i embraced the cross... i would venture to say that there is more than just me. i would venture to guess that other lives are transformed because of his impact and his compass that pointed up.

it got me thinking about my sister, too. it stinks that she has cancer. it blows that she had to sit in that chemo chair and will continue to do so for weeks to come- hair loss, nausea, bone pain, bills, children watching their mom be sick. the whole lot of it is less than ideal- or is it?

i suddenly realized that nobody watching her will walk away the same. some of those people, will see her compass, pointed up, and change the direction of their lives. it might not happen right away, it might be as their experiences add up and they see that they aren't "immortal" and that they want to be. it might happen as they realize that being "good" is never "good enough" on its own.

and so thursday came- chemo treatment and all, and instead of the "really, God?" that was creeping into my thoughts the night before, i embraced "thank you, God."

thank you for my sister. thank you for her faith. thank you that no matter what happens, she's yours. thank you for the strength you give her through your word daily. thank you for her willingness to embrace this horrible cancer thing and write about her journey. thank you for the cross.

i read these words in the book of timothy this week-

therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Saviour Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel... (2 timothy 2: 8-10 to be exact)

i'm not sure that's the direction that new model army was going in as they wrote this song, but i'm pretty sure jon would have liked this translation.

*oh, and that pretty babe in the photos? that's my friends bambina. i love the sequence of snaps- uncovering, an innocent one looking so intently at something that doesn't feel innocent at all, and then the clean, full reveal of the marker. not sure why this speaks to me so much, but there's a lot of powerful stuff just in those little photographs. thanks for sharing these a! they really mean a lot to me.