fly

i know that i've said this before and i know it has been said by nearly every momma on the plant, but i'm gonna say it again ... where, oh where, did the time go?

if you asked me what i did yesterday, i could respond with "went to the pool, packed lunch for my new first grader, a little laundry..." or just as easily, i could say, "drove my baby girl home from the hospital". i'm serious. there is a part of my brain that feels like the later happened only days ago. (you know, aside from the sleepless nights, circles under my eyes, showerless days... oh wait! i still have all of those... just induced from a different wee one. but you get the point.)

as i entered into the eve of first grade, i became teary. i packed her lunch and ironed her dress, laid out school supplies and packed them neatly into her backpack. while doing so, i reflected a little bit and prayed it would all be fine.

my e woke up early ready to embark on her new journey. she was excited and anxious to get the show on the road.

and here she is in her full first day glory:



as we were snapping these ceremonial pictures, my neighbor drove by with her two babes embarking on the same journey. in fact her wee one is in e's class. as i watched them drive by and wave, my eyes began to mist.



i got into the car and looked into the rear view window and saw my three babes (p's reflection in the second row mirror) and realized that for every day of the past six years, this is some combination of what my eyes have seen. sure, e went to kindergarten last year, but it was only for 3 short hours. i've become accustom to all three chattering in the back seat as we go about our days... as we travel to MOPS, or playgroup, the grocery store, or a little adventure. i wondered what it would be like to just see the two little ones smiling back at me in that rear view mirror. my heart was heavy and i was sad. this ends an era. suddenly, my harried days as a mom of three become changed. growth is good. it is what makes us the people we are to become. and so i chose to embrace that growth, put on my big girl pants and smile for my e who was about to officially begin school full time. sigh. being a mom is hard. you spend your days teaching them and giving them the tools that they need to become independent, but when it's time for that Independence to take flight, you realize that they are in fact becoming grown. the fruit of your labor is on full display. i had no doubt that e would surpass my expectations and that she would fly, as she always does, but my heart was sad.

i wanted to pause. i wanted to rewind life by a day and call her new teacher... she needs to know my e. she needs to know that e is incredibly smart, but humble, not wanting to make others feel bad by showing off her intellect. e is sensitive, easily wounded, but incredibly strong. she holds it all in and puts on her brave face because she wants to meet your expectations. she's scared of automatic flushers and doesn't like to get her hands messy. she wants to be validated and needs to know that you are proud of her. she's an eco girl and cares about the world we live in. the list went on and on in my head.

would this woman, this mrs. wise, know my girl? would she see how special she is and really understand what makes her tick? would she get e in her full, complex, beautiful package?

i hope so.

i reminded myself of my teaching days. i reminded myself that a good teacher sometimes sees even more. i prayed that this mrs. wise would be loving and kind, gentle yet boundary setting. i prayed that my e would love her, would love first grade, and would make new friends.

and then we arrived at school and the first day maylay took over. there were kids and parents everywhere, looking for their line-up spot, saying good-bye to their mums and dads, greeting old friends that they'd missed over the summer. all the while, e had a small smile on her face.

and right before we went in, i snapped this little shot of e and a dear classmate from last year. they're pals and while they won't smother each other, they'll feel safe together. it put my heart at ease. i love this little friend and feel in a small way way like she's one of our bunch- we've spent that much time together.

and then off they went, into the building, hanging up their bags, into their assigned seats... and off their mommas went.

into the world without our first born. and do you know who might have had a more difficult time than this momma? it was little sister d. she didn't know what to do without her bests friend. she melted into a puddle of tears and wanted to go back and get her immediately. it was a hard day around here, and yet good in many ways. remember those wings i was talking about, well, it's time to start giving d her own set. she's been clinging on to her sisters for the past two and a half years (e's always been at school while d napped) so d just doesn't know how to be on her own.

while i'll miss e each and every day this year, i'm looking forward to giving d what e has always had... time to fly.