a pig and an elephant...

today, poppy asked me if she could read me a book she had brought home from school.  always a fan of listening to my girl read, i eagerly said "yes".

girlie opened up her book, i'm a frog by mo willems.

the book features a pig who claims to be a frog.  the pig frog is having a conversation with an elephant...

pig:  "ribbit!"

elephant:  "you learn something new every day!" (confused by a pig who isn't oinking)

elephant:  "when did you become a frog?"

pig:  "about five minutes ago."

elephant:  "FIVE MINUTES AGO!?!"

elephant:  "FIVE MINUTES AGO SHE WAS A PIG!"

elephant:  "NOW SHE IS A FROG!"

pig:  "ribbit!"

elephant:  "what if I become a frog?"

elephant:  "HOPPING ALL DAY..."

elephant:  "eating flies!"

insert worry here.  the graphics display the fear that one might have in the confusion of how one thing suddenly changes into a new identity...  worry takes hold and fear eclipses.

pig:  "ribbit!"

elephant:  "I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FROG!!!"

pig:  "it is okay, gerald."

pig:  "it is pretend."

elephant:  "IT IS THE END!?!"

pig:  "no gerald.  pre-tend.  i am pretending."

elephant:  "what is pre-tend-ing?"

pig:  "pretending is when you act like something you are not."

elephant:  "wow...  and you can just do that?!"

elephant:  "you can just go out and pretend to be something you are not!?"

pig:  "sure.  everyone pretends."

elephant:  "even grown-up people?"

pig:  "all the time."

and the book continues on with this story and the elephant eventually pretends to be a cow.  the purpose of the book is to teach kiddos to use voice inflection when reading.

but a different message settled in suburban momma's heart.

people pretend all the time.  people act like they are something that they are not.

and i gave pause.  i like real.  i know that everyone is different and that not everyone is like me.  but something stirred in my heart as poppy read through this story.  why do people pretend?  why does the human race feel this need to be something that they are not?  why isn't just being you good enough?

i like you!  i like the real deal.  and i realize that sometimes you (or me just being me) fails.  that stinks.  but it is real.  people, real people, will fall short.  it will happen often.  it will happen when they are trying hard to be amazing.  it will happen in the mundane.  and there is no avoiding it.

so why do we pretend?

and i think, it comes down to pride.  it comes down to a fear of failure.  it comes down to a need to please others.  or maybe a fear of embarrassment.

but are others really pleased when we put on a pseudo-self and "act" like something we are not?

i think as i grow older (which is real and happening in spite of my resistance), i am finding that my heart gravitates to "real".  i want the velveteen rabbit.  i want the real mccoy.  i want you to be you- broken, lame, imperfect.  and i will love you for that.  sometimes it is a challenge.  it often doesn't come easily, but the love that emerges from authenticity is most often the love that is long-lasting.

tell me when you fail.  show your mess-ups and own them.  and talk about it.  let those in your life be part of your story.  while i used to live by the motto of "fake it till' you make it", i am less in love with that these days.

these days, i want legit.  it's ok to mess up.  it's ok to be less than perfect.  in fact, most people will like you more that way.  they'll feel safer in your presence because "real" is relatable.  "perfect" is intimidating.

i get it.  i get it.  we all want to be amazing.  but what my heart heard in that story (and as i live out my life) is that YOU ARE amazing.  you are amazing when you rock it.  and you are also amazing when you stumble.  you were created for good.  and when you are "real", regardless of what you produce or how you show, good emerges.  when we fake it...  everyone really knows that you're a faker anyway.  and if they don't today, they will figure out your charade eventually.

and so if you are a pig, just be a pig.  if you are a frog, that's cool, too.  but don't be a frog if you were made to be a pig.

be you.  and be the BEST YOU that you can muster up.

that is good enough.

mercies in disguise

as so many of suburban momma's posts are, this one is prompted by lyrics.  listen.  then read.  listen again.  close your eyes and let your heart be open.



my heart swells with hurt right now.  so many news stories and so many personal stories are impacted by pain these days.  my heart breaks for syria,  for isreal, for friends in despair, for circumstances that are beyond our control and really just for other breaking hearts.



i sat in my car tonight listening to a random play list and this beautiful song filled my car.  i had sort of forgotten about it, but my heart felt it tonight.



we pray for blessings.  we pray for peace.  comfort for family, protection while we sleep.  we pray for healing, for prosperity.  we pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.


i have a dear friend who believes in a god but doesn't understand a god that allows us to experience pain.  i don't always have answers for her.  but tonight as my own personal heart is in a fragile place, i started to have a turn.  history has shown me that my heart draws closer to a very real God when my heart is breaking.


in reality, i want easy.  i want happy.  i long for the warm fuzzy moments of life.  but if i'm honest, those moments, the easy ones, don't always point me towards a very real personal relationship with God.  


it is in the moments of despair, it is in the moments of experiencing brokenness and darkness that my heart clings to my beloved Father.  


sometimes i forget that the God of happy, happy is also the God of sorrow.  and if i'm honest, i cling to him more in sorrow.


and all the while, you hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.


i am learning, as i grow older, that God is constant.  He wants good for us.  always.  but good doesn't always mean happy, peaceful or easy.  good, in God's eyes, means that we draw each breath from Him.  you might be the person that does this in spite of circumstances.  but for many, we need a reason to depend deeply on Him in order to breath.  that typically comes through trials.  


'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?


independence is something we have come to respect in our culture.  but i think something is lost in this respect.  it places a value on us- the "me culture" that is void of God.  in my almost 40 years, i have slowly learned that but for me, i am nothing.  but for Him, i can conquer the world.  because He conquered death.  He imparted His power in ME...  and WITH HIM, i can also conquer death.  


we pray for wisdom.  your voice to hear.  we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.  we doubt your goodness.  we doubt your love as if every promise from your word is not enough.  all the while you hear each desperate plea, yet long that we'd have faith to believe.


and we get all sorts of cray-cray when we don't feel HIM...  but maybe, it is simply because we are looking towards our own SELVES to be amazing.  we loose the fact that God is good.  we are not.  we are fallen.  we are not wise.  anger takes hold of our lives.  doubt permeates our every action.  we loose sight of who HE said He was and who HE proved to be when HE died on a cross and then rose again.


'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?


when friends betray us, when darkness seems to win we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not, our home.  it's not our home.


and we set our eyes on "winning" in this life...  but we forget that winning in HIS eyes...  that is achieved by living a life for HIM.  sometimes a life for HIM means loosing today.  sometimes a life for HIM means living a life that is nonsensical in they eyes of the world.  it means loving when it is hard.  it means sacrificing when it isn't recognized or appreciated.  it means surrender.


cause what if your blessings come through raindrops? what if your healing comes through tears?  what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  


and it means being HIS, even in the rain.


what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?  what if trials of this life; the rain, the storms, the hardest nights; are your mercies in disguise?

life is filled with disappointments.    i hate that fact.  but it is so very true.  but what if, God, is waiting for us in our deepest disappointments?  what if, God, is sitting right there in our rain?  our storms?  and He has redemption for those moments?  i believe He does!  i have experienced this first hand in so many situations.  the cry of my heart is that I GRAB HOLD of THIS.  that I KNOW this.  that I feel THIS...  and that you might do so too.


after hearing this song tonight, my girlie emerged from her meeting and got into my car.  my thoughts were stopped and i went on to adjusting to the conversations that an 11 year old needs to have.  in many ways, the impact of those moments alone were lost.



but as i sit alone tonight, i grab hold of the lyrics in that song and feel truth.  God is good always.  He is good when things are happy, happy.  He is also good when things are not right.  and often, if i'm honest, i seek Him more... with a greater desperation and intensity, when things are asque.  it saddens me to realize this.  but maybe, just maybe, this isn't so sad or surprising to Him.  quite possibly, my life is less comfortable from time to time because a God that loves me ever so much, wants me to seek Him in ALL THINGS.



these are His mercies...  no longer in disguise.

i'm sorry

let me start this post by saying that i do realize that i am 39 and writing about a taylor swift song.  it is slightly ridiculous.  but the truth of the matter is that her words ring true.

from the beginning of my motherhood i have taken the same approach to apologies.  it goes something like this:

when a sister in the buser house offends/hurts/violates another sister in the buser house (or another member of our community), i send them to the bathroom.

i got this idea from my sister stacy and i still stand behind the concept.  i would send them to the nearest bathroom to discuss the situation.  the idea behind it is that regardless of where you are, there is always a bathroom.  in addition, discipline should be private.  step one involves removing them from the scene of the crime ("go to the bathroom").  step two involves a discussion.  

after momma has calmed down from the event (which usually takes a few minutes for me to get my head on straight), i join them in the bathroom.  behind closed doors, we discuss.  it gives the kiddo time to calm.  it gives the momma time to calm and then it allows for private discussion.  

the initial conversation allows me to see where they were coming from.  it allows for this momma to see why they feel justified in their words or actions, because, let's face it, we usually feel justified.  and then after that, it allow me to speak in.  it allows me to represent the other side.  it allows me private space to challenge.  it usually begins with, "how did you show love when you...".  good conversations happen in the bathroom.  almost always my kiddos see the errors of their ways.  they get space to understand that their lens isn't always the only lens.  hard?  yes?  but valuable time and perspective comes from flipping the switch on how they view a situation and how the receiver sees the situation.  almost always, they see that they were short sighted in their response.  

typically, when we emerge from the bathroom, an apology is to be given by my child.  even if the deeds of the other party were greater than their own.  yikes.  it is dicey but i try to emerge from the bathroom with the kid prepared to own their part in the conflict.

once released, they are instructed to approach the other party with an apology script.  it usually goes like this:

"i'm sorry for.....".  they apologize.  they make right.  they verbalize their role in the conflict.  and almost always it is half-hearted and almost always is half-heatedly received.  a trust issue brews.  the offending (sent to the bathroom) child feels slightly forced to apologize and the recipient feels this too.  

the recipient of the apology is then required to say, "i forgive you".  

this worked when they were two.  it worked when they were four.  but at eleven, i contemplate if a lack of authenticity rings through for both parities.

today i was running alone (lord help me) and listening to my play list which has been impacted by my sixth grader.  the following lyrics jumped right out of my phone and into my heart:

"band aids don't fix bullet holes.  you say sorry just for show.  if you live like that you live with ghosts. if you love like that blood runs cold."

it gave me pause.  literally.  i stopped running and thought through the profoundness of those word.  my heart resonated with it.  sorry that isn't heart felt is FELT.  you KNOW when someone says sorry "just to make peace".  it is a starting point, for sure, but if it isn't sincere, the recipient knows it.

the next song in my play list was APOLOGIZE by one republic.  (yes.  i know.  i'm turning the big 4-0 next month.  my play list is not up for discussion here.  another time.  another place.)

"it's too late to apologize.  it's too late.  i said, it's too late to apologize.  it's too late."

and once again it paused me in my tracks.  at some point is "i'm sorry" too late?

for sure, we have all been in both places.  we have all been in the pseudo apology that is forced.  we have all experienced the apology that didn't come at a time when our hearts were ready to feel/hear it.

and yet, the art of the apology is something we must all embrace.  

so what wins?  is there a magic formula that gives us the band aid for the bullet hole and the timing that doesn't leave us "too late"?

lord help us, we are going to be on both sides of this coin many a day in our lives.

i think it comes down to three things:  timing, lens shift, and pride.

hear me out.

an apology cannot be forced upon exiting the bathroom.  it could when you were two.  it can't when you're older.  we need to really feel sorry before we express it.  it doesn't make for easy apologies with kiddos, but it truly needs to be heartfelt before it expressed.  

second, as humans, we need to be more reflective.  we need to be more willing to try on our counterparts shoes.  wear them.  walk around in them.  really feel them.  in someone else's shoes we can begin to understand how our actions presented in someone else's viewpoint.  shift the lens.  see our actions in their eyes.  challenging.  fo shizzle.  but eye opening?  always!

lastly, pride comes into play.  can we see our wrong-doings or does pride get in the way of our ability to see our true selves?  and on the flip-side, does pride negate the apology of those that have wronged us?  does it control our hearts in ways that "i'm right" dominates over "there was a kinder way"?  

i'm not sure how this all translates to the buser bathroom discipline model, but after my ponderings today i am beginning to think that i need to focus less on finding "a peaceful solution immediately" to seeking out an "authentic solution that happens quickly".  

authenticity wins in my book.  forced might be an adaptation of pseudo that i am not comfortable.

and while i don't have a song in my play list...

"i forgive you" should be a part of every one's vocabulary.  and at some point, we should all realize that "i forgive you" means that the issue is finished. (john 19:30)