the game of risk

back when i first started blogging, i wrote a post titled, "the rest of the story".  i thought about that post today.

this post is similar, but also different.  same title, different story.

when i was a child, we had a board game called, "risk".  it was one of my favorite games.

this past weekend my sister visited cali.  the vehicle for her trip was to hold a CAbi party, which is how she makes a living.  the blessing of her trip, was significantly greater than making a living.  it was about doing life.

i've told you before that i am not a jealous person, but for one element.  i'm jealous of family.  (ick.)

now onto the story-

about six years ago, my sister was at a crossroads.  her husband announced that he might be ready to move on.  my sister spent the better part of the next eighteen months fighting for her marriage, but in the process felt prompted to reinvent her career.  she was a graduate of the fashion institute of technology in new york, held a degree from bowling green state university, had years of a career in buying/selling with liz claiborne (back in their heyday), and more experience with menswear design and selling.  her reinvention fell into the hands of a direct marketing company called carol anderson by invitation.  i thought she was a bit loco taking that on in her current state, if i were telling the truth (which i am).  but that is what she did.

fast forward to now- selling CAbi is her gig.  she does it with va-voom.  i am not even sure how to best articulate it, but she rocks out this business (along with some other ones) with finesse.  she doesn't sell for the sake of selling.  she sells while being true to herself- a truth teller- never letting a customer buy something that she doesn't think will be fab on their body type, never encouraging a woman to buy outside of their means- and always reaching in for the personal connection and the relational to be far more valuable than the sale.

i digress, as usual.

my sisters "plan b" has been the vehicle for so much more than she ever intended.

and i get to be the recipient.

you see, i love me some CAbi.  i love me some par-tay.  all of that is a huge "YES".  but there is so much more.

having a CAbi party also allows my girls some "auntie time".  living away from fam is hard, but getting frequent visits from a relative eases the blow of not having your peeps around the corner.  she gets to be present, while doing what she needs to do.

on her spring visit, we went to oakland for a family bocce fest.  it was amazeballs.  my kids talk about it often.  on the most recent visit, we took in a giants game.  they will remember it forever.

but why does any of this matter for a blog post?

it's because the choices you make today have impact on so many people around you.  your plan "b" can become the vehicle that makes a difference in the lives of those that you care about immensely.

heather didn't necessarily want to be a traveling clothing show salesperson.  she rocks it, she does.  but if you had asked her a few years ago if this was her dream gig, i am not sure she would have said "yes".

one of her fears at the onset of her divorce was that she would never travel again.  no longer a fear.  the girl travels around the country having an opportunity to "do life" with more people than she ever could have before.

it took courage.

it took vision.

and it takes selflessness to rock out "traveling step-mom", "traveling wife", "traveling mother" to fulfill the plan that she never had before.

and i get to reap the blessing.  i get time with my sister.  my kids get time with their auntie.  and we all win.

it takes me to this place of being able to embrace the beauty of what lies beneath.  we all have a plan for our lives.  and if you are anything like me, you have come to realize and appreciate the fact that plans are plans.  they don't always come to fruition.

but sometimes taking risks and being willing to say "yes" to something you didn't plan is the best "yes" you can ever say.

the gifts aren't always foreseeable.  the benefits aren't always clear.  but if you travel the path that God designs, it is sure to be filled with blessings.  heather never knew that the yes to CAbi would be the vehicle to seeing old friends and family members from near and far.  and yet that is what it has been for her.

and if i were able to speak for her, i would say that that this gig was God ordained and planned out in advance.

her roll in all of this was listening to his call.  she listened.  she responded.  and she (and the rest of us) get to reap the benefit of that obedience.  it has all panned out in much larger ways than anyone could have imagined, but panned out it has.

i can attest to that personally.  my kids will back me up and so will my hubs.  win.  win.  win.  her risk has allowed my peeps to experience family in a way that i never could have imagined.

and so i ponder. am i willing to take risks today that nudge on my heart (the ever present pull of the Holy Spirit), that will pay out dividends that i can't even imagine?  do i let myself say "yes" to things that don't always make perfect sense and draw me out of my comfort zone?  do i bring God along for the ride?  or do i control the heck out of my life, causing me to miss the blessings that throwing caution to the wind would unfold?

i, myself, tend to be a control freak.  true story.  but in watching my sister, i am learning that letting it all go, and letting God take the driver's seat reaps benefits that i could never conjure up.  the payout is much larger for me, and those in my circle, than i could ever have imagined.

the value of friendship

my friend brandi, from college, posted this quote on facebook today:

"in friendship...we think we have chosen our peers.  in reality, a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting-any of these chances might have kept us apart.  but, for a christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances.  a secret master of ceremonies has been at work.  Christ, who said to the disciples, "ye have not chosen me, but i have chosen you," can truly say to every group of friends, "ye have not chosen one another but i have chosen you for one another."

the friendship is not a reward for our discriminating good taste in finding one another out.  it is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of another."  - CS Lewis

it has stuck with me all day.

friendship is a challenging, delicate relationship.  so often, we find ourselves asking, "what does this relationship give to ME?"  people fail us, and we find ourselves looking for what we get OUT of a relationship instead of looking for the beauty that is intricately found in those that surround us.  we become a "ME" culture so quickly and we neglect to look for the beauty that resides in every single soul that surrounds us.

i am guilty.

i have spent the better part of today examining the beauty in those that surround me.  and in doing so, i have found that beauty prevails.

it is easy to highlight the flaws of our friends.  naturally, we can identify the flaws of those that we do we life with.  we can feel shorted.  we can quickly feel slighted.  we can, in fact, find fault in anyone around us.

and those faults and shorts and flaws are probably true.  but what is also true, is their beauty.  each and every one of our relationships is lined with attributes that caused us to gravitate towards that person (or persons).  before we saw negative, our hearts gravitated towards the positive.

and so we get to choose.  do we allow our vision to perpetuate the negative?  or do we force our hearts to seek out the positive.  and taking it further, do we let the positive transform us?  do we allow the greatest parts of a person, in spite of their magnitude of flaws, penetrate our very inner core?

often, i believe, we do what is shallow and easy.  we adopt a nature of woundedness as we allow flaws in the human person to penetrate our inner being.  we take a look and let it equate ourselves to less than.  we take a comment, isolating it out of context, and let it tell us that we are not worth much.  we compare.  we evaluate.  with a negative eye, not even meaning to do so, we let our encounters define us.

but there is another way.  a much better and more intentional way- we can let each and every person we encounter transform us.  how?

it is easy.  easier said than done in reality- but easier.  we can dig deep and search for the very reason that a person is in our lives.  we can seek after the good and dismiss the bad that is entrenched in a persons' character.

and we can communicate.  sometimes, the very core of reality, lies in talking about how we perceive things/comments/non-verbal cues.  we shy away from this.  it feels awkward.  it is uncomfortable.  but at its' very core, communication, dismisses the lies that we tell ourselves about relational interactions.

but it requires bravery.

i am writing to myself here.  having been, and currently being in this situation, talking and asking and listening often gives way to a truth that you didn't let your soul hear.

and going back to CS Lewis- i don't believe anyone is in my inner circle by chance.  listening to them and letting my heart hear their truth is what transforms me.  in letting my soul absorb the emotion of those that surround me, i allow myself to be transformed.

transformation, albeit difficult, elevates each one of us.  the tricky part is that is doesn't include self-righteousness.  it embodies an ability to listen, accept that which rings true, reject which feels false, and a desire to change the parts of us that need changing.

i look at my friendship circles.  we all have so many as we grow older, and for me, i am thankful for each one of the people that are there.  in addition, i believe that so many are there because of a God ordained planned towards the refinement of me.

friendship is sacred to me, valued high on the pedestal.  but i have to ask myself (and i encourage you to do the same), "am i letting it transform me?".  "am i allowing the encounters i have with human beings beings be a part of a my story?"  or- "am i dismissing people, that have value, from my transformation process, because i focus on the negative and neglect to see the good that they add to my life?"

the old 97's and how i became a cali girl

i love the song "question" by the old 97's.  it always reminds me of my scott and how lucky i am.  i love how my life story is going and i often pause to bask in the gratitude of the question that propelled me down this path and the "yes" that sealed the deal.

but there are a few other "yes" responses that i am thankful i gave in this lifetime.  i'm pretty certain that my "yes" to west virginia university hits the list as does the yes to my bff about moving to atlanta.  they were the beginning "yes's" that directed me to scott and they are both filled with moments where i experienced joy, growth, maturity, laughter and personal accomplishment.

wvu was the first place where i learned how to fail.  and in the process i learned how to pick myself up again and move forward.  i had been told i was a strong person by my friend's mom throughout high school but i didn't really know it for myself.  it was in college where i learned that i did indeed have strength and i also discovered that i had vision.  i remember that as soon as i figured out what i wanted to do with my time in college, my entire academic life changed.  i went from being a laissez faire, insecure student to feeling like a human with intellectual contributions.  it was life changing.

after college my bestie invited me to move to atlanta where she had moved the year prior.  there wasn't a real solid reason to go but there wasn't anything holding me back.  i said, "sure", and i loaded up my pontiac sunbird and moved to atlanta without a secure job and without a place to live.  there were some dicey days, but in the process i learned that living in the moment and taking risks is very important.

there are some other "yes" moments that also contribute to the making and development of me- saying "yes" to a teaching job at kipp, saying "yes" to Jesus (the most important "yes" i've ever said), saying "yes" to chicago...  so many important "yes" moments.  but this post isn't about those "yes's".

this post is about saying "yes" to california.  i can remember the day that the idea was tossed around like an unrealistic joke, funny to imagine but never something we would authentically consider.  and then at some point it morphed into this thing that we did consider.  there were so many phases of the process and this was one of the first "yes" responses that didn't come quick or with conviction.  this "yes" was slow and over time, pulled back and then pushed forward time repeatedly.  because the process was so long, embracing the reality of it all was hard.  it felt like something that we would do some time, maybe.  and it felt this way right up until the moment that the packers arrived and i moved myself into a hotel with my three children.  i can remember sitting at the curb in my rental mini-van watching my sequoia being loaded onto a flatbed and seeing moving men walking in and out of my house with their furniture pads, while watching our neighbor zoey walk to school for the first day of kindergarten.  my heart sunk and i wasn't sure that anything felt right.

(this snap was taken right before i said goodbye and got into the car to leave for the airport.  i thought i would die as i watched my e say goodbye to jen's p- besties since birth.)

today marks six years.  yep.  we moved our crazy family of five via airplane on september 11th, 2009.    and six years later i can earnestly say that i have no regrets.  i miss my chicago life, but i am also keenly aware that life isn't static.  what i remember isn't and wouldn't be a reality if we were transported back there today.  life is fluid.  it moves.  and being willing to let yourself lose control and roll with the current is a valuable gift.

i miss people.  i want to go to dinner with my favorite couple friends, do birthday parties with the babies i watched come to life in this world, flesh out the mundane parts of life as it unfolds in real time over a cup of coffee, wrap my arms around my people and support those who have experienced loss,   and so much more.  yet, i realize that in my absence, others have stepped in and now stand in the place where i once stood.  there are moments where this made me sad, wishing i could be there in the flesh for the trials and joys of this life- me not someone else.  however, my perspective has changed over time, also fluid.

you see, slowly, relationships developed here for me.  gently, one person at a time, i found my life filled with hand holders and cheerleaders, people who bring the laughter, people who wipe the tears...  right here in my new circle.

and six years later, my heart is spilling out of my chest with joy and gratitude for how this "yes" was the right answer to the question that we were presented with.

moments to cherish

my eldest girl turned 11 this week.  11!  it caused me great pause to consider that i have been a mum for eleven years.  and as i paused, my head flooded with thoughts.

going into the motherhood, i had no idea what this gig was all about.  i didn't have any comprehension that it was about watching your heart beat outside of yourself.  i had no clue that it would include so much trial and error.  i couldn't have guessed that the highs would feel so thrilling and that the lows would hurt so much.  i never imagined that she would teach me so much about myself and my husband, all in such beautiful ways.

i am lucky.

my e, like all children, has been an amazing blessing.  she came into this world with colic.  who would have imagined that my first months in the motherhood would be about teaching me patience and an appreciation for being the one that is "not in control"?  we all survived those first few months of blissful day times and torturous nights.  i wasn't always sure that we would.  but in the process of survival i began to see that the best laid plans don't always come to fruition and that each person on this planet has their own space.  space that is uniquely theirs.  there were moments that i resented her space.  there were moments that i didn't understand her incessant crying.  but in hindsight, i can say that we are stronger for having survived months of learning that plans are plans and reality is reality.  it is best to yield to reality and let expectations and plans fall to the wayside.  even in the process their is much joy to be found.

as a toddler, my ellie girl was a rule follower.  i could tell her not to go into the street and she would obey.  i could tell her that b says bah and she would memorize it and recite it.  when she pulled on the curtains, i could tell her "no" and she would oblige.  she was smart and eager to please.

later, she proved to be flexible.  we could move muffin across the globe and she would march into her new surroundings with confidence and determination.  i had a moment of sadness on her first day of kindergarten in california when she didn't look back, just a few days shy of landing in these new surroundings, and taking her school by storm.  but then i realized that she was the girl that we had grown her to be- not fearful, strong and ready to face the next challenge ahead.

when we moved her into a new school in second grade, she followed suit and did the same.  she held her head high and proceeded with an "i can do" attitude.  i worried unnecessarily from the sidelines, but my girl was able to stride through without fear.

this year, i sent her off into the land of middle school.  secretly, i was filled with anxiety and worry.  i knew she didn't have a lot of peers in her classes and i was terrified that she would run home on day one needing shelter from the newness and less than familiar faces.  i was wrong.  she returned home confident and cheerful.

she is different from her mother.  she doesn't need a large social network.  she longs for approval from a smaller circle.  she isn't the girl that smiles and greets and makes lots of friends fast, but she is the girl that over time makes friendships that run deep.

my worry is in vein.  she is her own self.  she is rocking out life with the tools we have equipped her with and transforming them into her own translation  that suits her needs.

i can't begin to imagine how we have arrived at this place where 11 years of parenthood are under our belt and that we have less than 7 years with her before she graduates into an adult.  but it is true.  and as i watch her, i can stand in confidence that she will take it by storm.

i can't define it.  i don't have control over it.  i have influence.  and i have confidence that her keen observation skills of her successful father and her sometimes crazy but often fun momma will be a driving force.  i also stand with great appreciation to our Heavenly Father for calling her heart to His at an early age and knowing that His plans are far greater than mine.

suddenly, i can't wait to see the space in this world that my girl carves out for herself.  it is like being engrossed in a great novel and wanting to get as quickly to the end as you can so that you can see how the story turns out, while at the very same time savoring every page because the story is so intriguing that you never want it to end.