the fire

on tuesday of this week i began to encounter a lot of reminders of my nephew, josh, and the path that i watched my sister and her family walk and the path i walked myself.  watching a momma bury her babe is painful...  when it is a stranger, when it is a friend, when it is your sister...  truly painful.  it was a sad day and yet there was this lightness within my spirit knowing that God is amazing and out of wreckage He brings forth beauty.  He always, always does.  sometimes you have to wait for it.  but the beauty always comes.

in my remembering, i pulled out the reading that my sister selected for me to read at josh's funeral. it was a passage that had been shared with her as she walked the journey knowing she would be giving up her son prematurely. the reading was filled with truth and brought her comfort as she faced her trials. as i processed the loss this momma was facing on tuesday, this reading continued to bring me comfort.  

i could write for days on the lessons that my sister and her family taught me during this difficult period, i could describe the faith that they possess, the posture of surrender that they willingly took, the peace that guarded their hearts... i'm not sure you'd believe me if i told you because it was unimaginable. watching my sister and her family walking deep in the trenches of pain and being carried by the truth of the cross was a profound experience for me.  i could go on to tell you how they walked this same path when facing cancer square in the eye.  the path was filled with immense pain, but it was also filled with beauty.  

what a strange juxtaposition.

pain.

beauty.

God is good. satan and the fall of man...  not so much.

on wednesday, i encountered some issues within my home that needed to be dealt with.  i was tired and worn down, not really wanting things of this nature to rear up and get in the way.

thursday was met with a different set of obstacles- ones from outside of the home.  the process of addressing them was good.  healthy.  better than expected.  but difficult none-the-less.

and then i marched into today.  

t.g.i.f.?

not so much.

my dear friend (if but for a short time) lost his fight with cancer this morning.  

stupid, stupid cancer.

eric leaves behind an amazing wife (i'll write more about her soon) and two beyond amazing children.  

it has been a less than awesome week.  and i feel like i am in the middle of a fire.  i keep thinking about cora's momma (michelle) and little brother and little sister and daddy (whose funeral i attended on tuesday) and picture my friend linda and her two sweet children missing their daddy (that they lost this morning).

i keep picturing eric holding cora in heaven.  in my mind he is kissing her forehead and rocking her gently in his arms.  

there is nothing- absolutely nothing- in scriptures that validates the image that i just depicted.  but for some reason, i keep closing my eyes and imagining it to be true.  while i have no idea if it is true of not, i do know that heaven is beautiful and that both eric and cora are experiencing the fullness of that right now.

and all of this has made me think of the reading from josh's funeral 11 years ago.  it goes like this:


some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures and make them the subject of conversation. while reading the third chapter of malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

one lady's opinion of this verse was that it was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. she decided to visit a silversmith and report to her group what he said on the subject.

she went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her.

but sir, do you sit while the work of the refining is going on?

oh yes, madam, i must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for the refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.

the lady at once saw the beauty and the comfort too, of the expression.

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

Christ sees a need to put His children into the furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us.

our trials do not come at random, for it says in mathew 10:30 that "the very hairs of your head are all numbered".

as the lady from the bible study was leaving the silversmith's shop, the silversmith called her back. he said he had forgotten to mention that the only way he knows when the process of purifying is complete is when he sees his own image reflected in the silver. becoming conformed to the image of Christ is a process. each of us is a work in progress. perhaps you can see that you are more patient, more caring, more peaceful in the midst of adversity. when troubles come, you trust more than you once did and you cling to promises such as:

"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. for those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son." (romans 8:28-29)

the "good" is becoming like Jesus. this takes a lifetime. and even then, the process will not be complete until we see Him face to face.
joshua is now in complete perfection, in heaven, face to face with the refiner.

and so is cora.

and so is eric.

and walking through this week...  it is very much like the journey of the silversmith.  i feel it.  but bigger than me (and way more important) are linda and michelle- two women.  two mommas.  two children of the one true God- walking through life and presented with "silver experiences".  God does not seek to crush them.  He seeks to grow them and to know them and to make them more like Him.

and it hurts.  but we are not alone in our pain.  

this is all raw.  maybe unrefined.  but it is where i am tonight...  thinking of a wife and a momma...  that need to be encouraged and loved and carried and celebrated and...  refined.

for you, o God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried.  you brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out into a place of abundance.  Psalm 66:10-12

enter in

i have had the pleasure, the pure pleasure, of getting to know a fine, fine baby girl over the past few months.  this post is for her.

way back in the day, scott and i attended a church in chicago that was like no other.  i didn't realize it at the time, but it set the standard for my expectations of community and how i believe that God calls us to live with each other.

i don't recall all of the details, but our church was very "community project" driven and i had just secured a job in the inner city working with very underprivileged children.  the school i was to work for was brand new and lacked some of the essential supplies that a classroom needs to function well.  somehow someone learned of this and encouraged me to jump start a book campaign for my classroom.  and so one sunday, i took to the stage during announcements and presented the need to our very young (think poor starving college kids) congregation.  the request was for books- go to the local book shop and buy one or two favorite picture book titles to begin a library for this school.

the next week i went to the designated book drop spot to pick up the ones that had been delivered.  there was a pretty good stack of books.  i was surprised at how quickly my church had rallied to the cause, and while the stack wouldn't even come close to putting a dent in the need that our students had for quality literature, it meant the world to me to have friends and strangers press in and be the vehicle that started the movement.

a few weeks passed and i received an email.  the email was from a girl in our church that i did not know saying that she had some books in her trunk to give me and requested that we meet on sunday in front of our church so that she could make the transfer.  she expressed "that it wasn't much" but that she had wanted to help.

i remember walking down addison street in chicago with her to her car on sunday morning.  she opened the rear of her red suv and revealed bags and bags and bags of books.  back when i made the request, i had given a list of titles in the event that someone needed a suggestion.  rachel, (the girl whose trunk i was standing in front of), had purchased every single title on the list.  apparently she worked in a chicago public school and sent an email to her friends/colleagues with my request (this was long before the days of facebook/blogs/twitter and texting).  and then the books pored in.  bags and bags and bags of books.  she shared this story with me (inserting apologies for how she wished she could have done more) as my jaw dropped to the street in disbelief.  i was amazed.  oh- and as a last little throw in, she handed me an envelope with some gift cards in it.  i guess some of the people that wanted to help lived far away and so they sent a check.  no biggie, right?  when i later looked in the envelope, i discovered several hundred dollars worth of book money gift cards.  

somehow, i went from having a classroom with no books to having a classroom with enough books for all of my students to take home a different book home each night for their independent reading assignment.  

what?  it blew my mind.  it was the first time in my adult life that i had witnessed the full effects of "entering in".  i was on the receiving end of this and to say that i experienced the kingdom of heaven here on earth or the love of Christ is an understatement.  

i was overwhelmed by the love of Christ- who takes a need we have and runs full force with that need- through the hands and feet of flesh and blood- allowing us to experience the beauty of the kingdom of heaven while we are still right here on this very broken earth.

and my mind was blown.

and a mental transformation started.  i began to think about this concept of entering in- to the needs and causes that matter to those around me.  and i realized that to do so- to enter in- is a choice.  rachel did that with me (a complete stranger at the time).  she saw a need and decided to meet it.  except she went one step further.  she opened the door wider and cast the net beyond my reach.  and through one person, reaching out to another person, responding to the need of some inner city kiddos, they learned to read.  the students in my school, on average, achieved a 2+ year academic gain in their reading skills that year. um...  Amen?  yes.  Amen!

this was the beginning of a movement in my heart and a transformation of how i believe that the kingdom of Heaven works while we are still here on earth.  but it starts with a choice.

over the years, the choice to "enter in" has presented itself to me again and again.  there are times i choose "yes" and times i have chosen "no".  i can say with certainty, that i regret the times i have chosen "no" and am always changed by the times in which i have chosen "yes".  life happens and develops and grows and molds and transforms us in the "yes".  

a few months ago a friend of mine forwarded an email link about a baby girl born with a heart defect.  the momma was the sister of my friend's friend.  i read the link and was overwhelmed with the heart of this mother.  

yesterday, as the momma delivered the eulogy for her beautiful lion heart, tears freely flowed down my cheeks.  

...Thank God we didn't know at any point what lay ahead on our road.  I feel like we lived in each day.  and we took it as it came.  That was the only way to live, and by doing that, we stayed sane and mostly happy.

But I can remember being so scared a lot of the time.  All I could see in those early months was fear and difficulty.  I looked around at my friends who had children at the same time as I had, and they were healthy and "normal" and I felt that life had handed out the cards, and that our sweet Cora had drawn the short stack.  That we got gypped.  I desperately loved Cora and wanted the best for her, but I was afraid and terribly lonely.  I shared things with my close friends and family, but I withdrew from people outside that circle, and I was angry and annoyed by almost everything people said to try to comfort me.

We went in and out of the hospital a few times during the month of December until we finally landed inpatient for what became a five month stay.  The road became rockier, the things we saw became more intense, the news became worse.

But then something miraculous happened.  I had the intuitive thought one day that I should write a blog about Cora.  I know this wasn't my own thought.  My natural state is to protect myself and my family.  To guard against harm.  To be very private.  And yet, here I was putting it all out there for anyone in the world who wanted to read it....

...After I started writing the blog, I guess the fear that I had felt all her life until then, just fell away.  We walked a terrible and scary road, but with each day, what we mostly saw was beauty.  Cora made things beautiful....

and as i sat there and listened from the balcony of a crowded church in san anselmo, tears freely flowing, i knew that this momma and her beautiful family had experienced the kingdom of heaven right here on this earth.  they chose to open the doors wide and God met them graciously in the hard (the very, very hard) by surrounding them with love and beauty and kindness through flesh and blood- real live people living out the kingdom of heaven because they chose to enter in.

and so it brings me to this.  a challenge.  in honor of sweet cora, in honor of her momma taking a chance and walking out of private and into a state of openness....  

would you?

could you?

choose someone today to "enter in" with?  could you look around yourself and open your eyes to a heart that is hurting or someone with a need and take a step towards walking with them as they journey?  you don't have to have all of the answers (or any of the answers, for that matter).  you don't need to have a big wallet.  you don't need to have oodles of extra time.  and i promise, the hunt for a place to "enter in" won't be hard.  my guess is that each one of us has someone that comes to mind right away.

i thought about this yesterday a little bit.  i didn't have to be there.  my heart didn't have to break.  i didn't have to "enter in".  but while my cheeks would have been dry and my heart would have been less heavy, i wouldn't have met sweet cora.  and i promise you, my life is better for knowing her.  

i am not one who is very private.  but as of late, i tend to want to cling to closed doors a little more.  it often feels easier.  but i think that is a lie we tell ourselves and a shield we place around our hearts. watching this momma, even from a distance, confirms something in me that i know to be true.  light and life and God appear in the homes and hearts that are flung wide open.  and then there is the other side of the coin.  while this is hard to say and probably even more difficult to hear, there is this: i think satan wants to creep right into the homes and hearts that are a little bit more closed...  and fill those hearts and homes with self-doubt, and loneliness, bitterness, anger, resentment and a lack of worth.  

and so after you take the challenge to "enter in" in a life around you where you see a need...

could you?

would you?

consider living you life with your door a little bit more open?  could you pull back the drapes of your heart and possibly open up a place where you yourself invite others in?  

it's risky.  yes.  but as i said, i think growth and love and the kingdom of heaven develop there.  in my opinion, that is worth the risk.

hello, my name is defeated

dear diary,
today felt like a really sad day.  i don't know that i can put words to all of it, but i felt defeated.  deflated.  overcome.  world=1, me=0.  tomorrow has to be better, right?

despondent,
the suburban momma

i sort of knew this was coming.  it is the law of sir isaac newton or something, right?  what goes up, must come down?  i've been on a summer high for a few weeks or so and today became the perfect storm for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction.  i won't go into all of it, but let's just say that issue one collided with issue two, which collided with issue three...  and by, well, three in the afternoon. i found myself fighting off a grand old pity party for little old me.

for all of our summer highs (and believe you me, we've had a great number of them already), today was matched by an abundance of summer lows.  after all of  the highs, this momma is incredibly tired...  and just like my three year old: tired + a piling up of difficult situations = a big 'ol melt down.  except i am a grown up and melt downs are somewhat frowned upon...  and so i willed myself to keep it together until i could escape out the door to a work event for the hubs.

getting out of the door almost produced an anxiety attack...  literally.  but with a great deal of "you can do this." and "come on, girlie, buck up and pull throughs"...  i made through the afternoon and into my car.

i told you recently that i had been on a pre-summer binge to clean up the world buser house.  in my frenzy i came across a cd case from my friend jon, in chicago.  he gave it to me a few months prior to our move and it is filled with cd's of sermons that he thought i would enjoy and/or needed to hear.  i've listened to some since he gave them to me, but hadn't gotten around to finishing them off. 

as i hopped into the driver's seat for the hour long drive to the hub's work function, i remembered i had not grabbed the cd case...  and something told me that i needed it.  i ran inside and grabbed it off of the shelf where i had stashed it.

as i drove out of town, i couldn't get the cd that i wanted to hear to play.  it kept skipping.  i ejected it from the payer and plugged in an old favorite compilation of songs...  feeling defeated once again.

about one exit down the highway i had this nagging feeling to try again.  cd in.  skipping.  skipping.  eject.  try again.  grrrr.  try not to curse.  eject.  listen to the radio...

and then the nagging feeling kicked in again...  "put in a cd from the case, tasha.  try another one."

grr..

i switched out the cd and tried another one.  and it began to play immediately. 

the general theme of the sermon was the story of creation and it segwayed into the story of abraham.  the line that was drawn between the two was this line we walk as jesus lovers every day- "do you trust me?" 

from creation and the declaration of "it is good"- do you believe that?  do you trust that God is good?  do you believe He has good in store for you?  do you hope for heaven because you know it will be good?  better than good?

and it drew the line to abraham... leaving his life that was pretty "good" to go wander in the desert in attempt to trust God to be met by all sorts of trials and grumbling and irritations...  to a son being born- beyond all hope or belief- to being asked to sacrifice that very son.  and it ended with this question of, "abraham, do you trust me?"

ouch.

it sort of put my grumpy day into perspective.  it diminished my need to compare.  my "ick", while real and true and honestly felt, does not quite compare to this. 

and guilt began to creep in and an internal argument ensued:

be grateful for what you have, tasha!

but i don't have what i want.  what i want isn't too much to ask for!  and it hurts.  it really hurts.

but you have a lot, girl.  get over it.

i can't get over it.

it isn't fair and it isn't right.

life isn't fair.

it feels like "less than" and if it was just about me then "less than" would be fine...  but it's about my girls.  i want "more than" for them.

but...

but...

and as i struggled and hashed out this crappy (but very real and incredibly honest) interaction within myself, i started to ask myself some pretty serious questions... 

do you trust that God is good?

yes.  very much so.  with every ounce of me.

do you believe he has plans filled with promise for you (and your girlies)?

oh, yes.  yes.  without doubt.  he's shown it to me.  i've tasted it.  it is true and beautiful and real...  very, very real.

so what are all the excuses about?  why has today been the perfect storm for sadness and sorrow and regret and hopelessness?

and at that point in my mental showdown, i had reached my destination.  i stopped the mental dialogue, parked the car and went into the restaurant to meet scott.  we engaged in the activities of the night, made small talk, ate some yummy food, caught up with friends and settled into a nice evening.  and i put the day behind me.



in the car on the way home i listened to the radio and heard a song that was new to me. 

i almost couldn't believe the lyrics.

when i arrived home i listened to it about twenty times because i couldn't quite believe how much it spoke to me.



hello, my name is regret.
i'm pretty sure we have met.
every single day of your life i'm the whisper inside that won't let you forget.

hello, my name is defeat.
i know you recognize me.
just when you think you can win i drag you right back down again until you've lost all belief.

oh, these are the voices.  these are the lies.
and i have believed them for the very last time.

hello, my name is child of the one true king.
i've been saved.  i've been changed.  i have been set free.
amazing grace is the song i sing.
hello, my name is child of the one true king.

i am no longer defined by all the wreckage behind.
the one who makes all things new has proven it's true so take a look at my life.

hello,my name is child of the one true king.
i've been saved.  i've been changed.  i have been set free.
amazing grace is the song i sing.
hello, my name is child of the one true king.

what love the father has lavished upon us that we should be called His children?
i am the child of the one true King.

as i listened to the song (on repeat), i exhaled.  i know that i am a slow learner.  i know this truth.  really, i do.  but sometimes it is a delayed eclipse of my heart.  often i need reminders.  far too frequently, i need it highlighted and illuminated and put in big bold glitter letters for me to know (to REALLY KNOW)  that who i am is enough...  i am free.  i have grace and i am not defined by the storm that is sometimes in my tailwind.  i get to own me.  i do.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  but i don't have to own all the other crap.  and the bad and the ugly...  well, that is exactly where grace steps in. 

i can accept it.

or not.

it's my choice.

but either way i choose, God's choice doesn't waiver.  He CHOSE me.  and when He was nailed to that cross, in one hand he held all of my junk right there in His palm.

if i choose to ignore that He did that for me... well, that just feels really sad.  like he bought me the best present ever and i took it and ran with it but never said "thank you" and never acknowledged that it was He who gave it to me.  it's like a gift that sits in the corner, wrapped in the most decadent wrapping, but never opened.  i can only imagine if i were the giver of that lavish gift- i can imagine that my excitement would slowly turn to anxiety, which would melt into frustration as the gift just sat there...  unnoticed.  unrecognized.  unappreciated.

thankfully, God's approach is different from mine.  thankfully, he is patient and He just waits.  He nudges gently... "go ahead, girlie.  remember that box of grace that you opened up years ago when you entered into a relationship with me?  open it up.  put it on.  feel the freedom of the love and the grace and hope."

and as the gift is unwrapped,  i can say, "thank you, thank you, thank you!  you are enough.  i trust you.  how could i not?  you gave me the greatest gift- the freedom from all this crap...  and i can carry it on my own and never be enough.  or accept the gift.  which you already gave me...  and have hope for the life and the "me" you want me to be."

defeated?

sometimes. 

reminded that God is bigger and better and stronger and ever more gracious than i could imagine?

yes.

yes, please.