let them be little

i have been somewhat nostalgic for the past few weeks.  i've found myself looking at baby books and squinting in disbelief as i look at pictures of my sweet e.  there have been moments where it feels like she has grown inches in the night and that she has matured in mere moments.  

i look at her pictures and reflect on how i had no clue about anything related to parenting.  eight and three quarter years ago, (a third grader demands this sort of age specificity), this little ladybug flew into our lives and changed it in ways that we could not have imagined.  my early walker.  my night owl.  my articulate speaker.  my not so in love with messy hands or unpredictable situations.

and then i think about her first day of kindergarten.  we were three weeks late into the school year and still living in a hotel as we waited for our moving truck to arrive.  i can remember dropping her off that first day and filling out the paperwork.  i got to the section of "emergency contact" and almost began to hyperventilate.  we didn't know a soul here.  i had a moment where i wanted to grab my e by the hand and run...  fast.  it felt overwhelming, terrifying...  maybe even negligent to do this to your first born.

i didn't take a picture.  i couldn't stand the thought of having that photo if things didn't turn out well.

i remember driving away that day, in this sunny new town, feeling fear pulse from my head to my toes.  i am not typically a fearful person and this was a new experience for me as a momma.  i hated everything about it.

and as fear rippled through me, i remember calling out to God, "why is this so hard?"

and just like my Father always does, he stilled my soul.  you see, when we were planning on moving to california God declared a verse to guide our family as we walked through this experience of unknowns.  in some time of prayer, He guided me to Jeremiah 29:11

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

and now... four years later, as my kindergartner becomes a fourth grader i scratch my head and wipe the tears from the corners of my eyes.

we have prospered.  we have hope.  and our future is bright!  i love everything about my girlies academic journey- even the hard stuff!  yep, even the hard stuff.  you see, my little e has had a less than desirable academic storyline.  she has had two sick teachers (out on very extended leaves), been part of a discontinued educational program, and moved schools (after being on a very uncertain waiting list).  nothing huge, but none of these hiccups are things you would wish for.  and as we have walked through each one of them, my e has been a shining star.  she just powers through with a smile on her face.  she has had a few moments. i have had a few more moments.  but in watching her and clinging to this beautiful promise from God, i have been able to set down my fear and just walk forward in hope.

i have no clue what the future looks like.  but this little love is on the move.  with just three days remaining in her third grade year, i sigh.  oh, how the time flies.  oh, how these loves grow in the blink of an eye.  and while i want her to be little, i also want her to be big.

e, you amaze me!  your laughter, your sense of humor, your intelligence...  they are beyond your years (and so is your sass...  so don't get a big head).  smile.  don't be upset with me if i cry a little over the next few days.  you'll understand in due time when you're a momma.

sniff.  sniff.