joy

november 15th is my birthday.  this story starts a few days before.  my fabulous sister stacy was able to make a visit for the few days preceding my birthday.  it was glorious.  we had time together in the city, in the livermore wine country and at a foot massage spot at the mall.  i lived with her once upon a time (as adults) and love every moment that we get to spend with each other now.  i miss her way too much and our visits are far less regular than i would like.  but philly and p-town are far.  and so we take what we can get.  she left on my birthday.  it was a beautiful gift to have her here.

on the 15th the girls and i drove auntie to the airport.  after we droped her off, we had a sweet little lunch on the peninsula.  i remember sitting there and thinking that it was a lovely little moment.  seeing my sister, lunch with my girlies...  the little things.  we arrived home at nap time and i will admit i was happy to have a little bit of time to myself while the younger girlies rested.  moments after putting them down, i heard d call from the top of the stairs.  it was game on. 

my d informed me that she was sick.  she had the stomach bug.  ick.  and it left its mark on multiple surfaces in our home, multiple times.  i played nurse for the afternoon.

clearly, our dinner plans to celebrate my birthday were cancelled and while i felt a twinge of disappointment, i was too busy with laundry and nurse duties to dwell on it too much.  scott arrived home with some take out and after dinner we put the kiddos to bed.  i crossed my fingers hoping that this was the end to a long day.  i thought for a moment about how funny it was that a sweet day had turned sour so quickly.  and yet the joy of the morning with my sister lingered.  the time with my girls at lunch had still left their mark.  if i hadn't thought about it for a moment, i am certain that the day would have only been remembered for the bad and that the good would have dissolved into the air.  but i grabbed for those moments of joy and tucked them into my heart.  i wanted to savor them.

moments after my sweet p went down, she was up again.  the sickness that had hit d a few hours early had now descended upon her.  we changed her.  we changed her bedding.  we changed her again.  and so it went for a few rounds.

somewhere in the midst of all this flu chaos, my husband stopped me. 

"tash, i have to tell you something.  i found out today that i made partner."

i stopped in my tracks.  this was beautiful, glorious news.  this was the hand of God in ways that this post cannot explain.  it is the cherry on the top of our leaving chicago and our move to california.

i must admit that it was also a very odd juxtaposition.  here i was cleaning up vomit, while praising God for this beautiful blessing.  mess in the midst of joy.  it actually made me laugh out loud as it is so not how i pictured this day.  it was this moment where joy and real life collided.  would i choose joy?  or would i let the day be tainted by the mess?  i'll admit, it was hard to choose the joy, but in my heart i knew that was more powerful and more meaningful and more true than any of the other white noise in the background.

the week continued with the three remaining family members falling.  shortly after d, e joined the sick party and by the end of the week both scott and i were men down. 

less than 24 hours after my recovery, we loaded up the car and headed for disneyland.  as we drove south through the state i marvelled at how this is never something that i had thought of for my life, the hills were breathtaking, the rows and rows of orchards were beyond my imagination.  i know that i have said all of this before, but somehow the landscape of california connects me to my maker.  it filled me with joy and awe at a God with such creativity, imagination and enthusiasm for His creation. 

we arrived at disney and began to take in the park.  if i am totally honest, it was filled with ebbs and flows, highs and lows, positives and negatives.

i am not really a disney girl.  it sort of goes against the grain of who i believe God designed woman to be...  but i also tend to make things larger than they need to be.  i will confess, i left this portion of our vacation a converted disney fan.  what can i say?  i love me some roller coasters!

we then headed to the santa monica.  the tired of disney quickly washed away with the waves and i relished in the joy of watching my girlies on the beach.  we watched surfers.  we flew a kite.  we took in the hollywood stars. we did dined at the american girl cafe in the grove.  again, i found my cup running over.  joy eclipsed my heart.

we arrived home and a day later headed to church.  while i worshiped that day, i found that my heart was so full.  it was the beginning of the advent season and i realized that i had much to be thankful for.  there was precious time with my children, beautiful accomplishments for my husband, memories with my sister and a peace about this lovely place on the planet where we have landed.  joy.  joy.  joy.

later that evening my joy bubble was burst.  conflict with a family member exploded and i found myself in tears.  quickly slipping from my grasp was this joy and i felt my heart turn to pain.  in an instant it all began to switch.

i declared in that moment to grasp for the joy.  but it was easier said than done.  you see, conflict tends to do that.  it seeps in and starts to spread deep into the recesses of the mind.  it became a battlefield for me and i found that i joy wasn't winning.

later that week i headed to mops.  the speaker that day was one that i had heard before.  i was hoping that there would be something new to grasp onto but i found her telling the same story that i had heard the previous year.  a little background on the speaker is that she lost a child to trisomy.  as she told her story again, she got to a part that i had forgotten.  basically, she tells of sitting before a doctor during her pregnancy.  the doctor had looked at her and said (in a nigerian accent)...

"you believe in Jesus?"

she answered yes

"the debil...  he try to rob you o yo joy."

in that moment tears began to stream down my cheeks.  here i was poo pooing this story that i had heard before, and she was giving me this nugget that was exactly what Christ wanted me to hear.  the debil (nigerian accent) was doing the very same thing to me. 

and i realized that i had a choice.  i could let the puke and the tired and the conflict steal my joy, or i could claim it.  i chose in that moment to claim it.

later that week, i was moving furniture around the living room to make room for our christmas tree.  as i moved my beloved antique desk, it began to topple over.  the glass door that holds a large number of my coveted trinkets slung open and out poured a ton of breakables.  they landed in a pile of broken pieces on the floor.  in the midst of the chards were these little angel cards that i have held onto for years.  each card holds a word.  peace.  obedience.  love.  strength. beauty.  understanding. 

and joy.

as i sat there on the floor picking up the broken pieces of my treasures i began to cry again.  how was it possible that joy could just continue to slip through my fingers?

and then the woman from mops hit my heart again. 

the debil...  he try to rob you o yo peace, obedience, strength, beauty, understanding...  and yes, my joy.

once again, i claimed the joy.

you see, i believe that the bible is the true word of God.  and while the God that i love is all things good and beautiful and perfect, the bible also is clear on this other force out there that wants nothing more than to steal my joy.  i am not going to let evil win. 

and so today, i claim joy.  i claim the goodness and the promise of God's role in my life.  i see His hand in each of these beautiful elements of my past month and i choose to claim them and give Him the glory for the richness and beauty that they add to my life.  i praise Him for the gift of His son and the reason that we celebrate this season.  for me, this month is about that.  it is about a Christ child that was sent to save the world and about the power of His hand in my life. 

for me, this season is going to be about joy.

forgive me for this really long drawn out story.  i share it because my guess is that the debil isn't just trying to press in on my life.  he may be trying to do the same to you.  my prayer is that if that is true for, you read this and claim joy alongside of me.  my hope is that in the midst of the chaos, you see the star. and that you hold onto it tightly, knowing the promise was given will come to pass and that through this baby, we can know joy.

national food day

last week i kept seeing all these posts on facebook about national food day.  in case you are wondering, it was yesterday.  i had no idea that we had such a day.  i also had no idea what national food day was supposed to be about.  considering that there the federal government has been linked to supporting monsanto, i was pretty certain that i didn't want to participated in anything dealing with food and the government.  but that's just me.

but i must say, i did think about it quite a bit over the course of the day yesterday.  i kept meaning to look it up but never got around to it as i was on the go for the better part of the day.  i had my guess as to what it was probably all about, and then i had my hopes for what i wanted it to be all about. 

food is sort of something i am passionate about.  that is a two part statement.  first, i love me some good eats.  i am a huge supporter of  eating real food that is absent of pesticides, preservatives, and all the other junk that tends to try to creep its way into items we call "food".  don't get me wrong- i am not always the best decision maker when it comes to food.  i love a good old in-and-out burger from time to time, complete with an order of fries.  but on a daily basis, i try to give my family a home cooked meal that is fresh, balanced and not pre-packaged.  i watch way too much food network, have more recipes bookmarked from epicurious than i can count, and am on always on the hunt for the newest sustainable and organic restaurant openings in the bay area.

the second part of the statement above refers to my passion for all people to have food.  i find it disturbing that there are so many people around the world that don't have food.  when you look into the average american's pantry, it's hard to believe that is true.  but just outside our front doors there are an abundance of people- real live people with beating hearts- who don't have something to put on the table for their family.  while you and i are struggling with what to take out of the freezer or which take-out option is best, there are tons of people out there with a different struggle.  they are less concerned with whether or not food is "real" and more concerned with having some.  we can talk about the people in africa or the people china facing this issue on a daily basis.  and we should be concerned about those people.  however, i think that sometimes we talk about the people that live far away as a distraction method to avoid the fact that we have the same problem in our very own back yards.  you can go to any main st. (yes- even in the 94566) and find people who don't have food.  we don't like to think about that.  it makes us uncomfortable as we scrape our plates into our disposals and flip the switch.  it sort of collides with grocery day when we toss those containers of spoiled leftovers that have been taking up real estate in our refrigerators.  somehow, when it's in our own back yard, we are eye to eye with a problem.  we get to choose.  do we do something about the problem or just pretend it doesn't exist?  ick.  and as grocery bills get higher and higher each month, we tend to want to avoid the problem even more.  because suddenly, our middle class pocket books are starting to hurt a bit too.  this food issue that once was someone else's problem is starting to encroach on my property line, so to speak.

and so for food day, i made a decision. not knowing what in the blazes food day was supposed to be about, for us it was going to be about appreciating the food that we have.  it was going to be a day where we changed our behavior and stopped being piggies with leftover containers that end up getting tossed in the trash.  it was going to be a day where we turned from wasting food to a family that appreciates the food on our table.   while it would certainly be a far cry from saving the world, we were going to have an "everything but the kitchen sink" dinner.  i rescued leftovers from their inevitable fate in the city compost pile and gave them to my family. 

it was shocking to see what i turned up in the spirit of trying to teach my family to have a "least of these" mentality.  we had prosciutto stuffed dates with blue cheese, pulled pork, grilled tri-tip, edamame, smashed potatoes with pancetta and gorganzola...  not so much a dinner for paupers, eh?  but sadly, it opened my eyes. 

i'm not sure what i am going to do about it, but it triggered a need within me.  somehow, i need to show my kids a world that their suburban eyes rarely see.  i need to show them how to step outside of themselves.  i need to give them experiences where they help those who don't have enough.  i need to get them eye to eye with hunger. 

this was such a part of my life before kids, but it has somehow faded into the background of my daily life.  for fear of their safety (as if all hungry people are knife wielding villains) i have kept them protected from this reality that exists right in my back yard. 

so stay tuned.  i see something on the horizon for our little family.  i don't know what it looks like right now, but i do know that something must be done.

posts like this scare me a little bit because it sort of forces me out of my cozy little bubble.  but i think they are good.  they hold me accountable and keep a record of my passion.  now, it's up to me to put my money where my mouth is. 

wiggle

i have been a stay at home mom now for a little over 5 years.  my job description has stayed pretty much the same for the better part of those five years.  i have been boo boo kisser, laundry washer, breakfast maker, playdate coordinator, fight ender, bed tucker-inner, story reader, nose wiper, bum cleaner, dance party mixer, grocery shopper, car pooler...  and the list goes on. 

and on.

and on.

more recently i have added preschool co-op helper and homework harasser to the list. 

but for the better part of the last year, e and i have been hoping for a duty to be added to my list.  in fact,it started almost one year ago at this exact time.  look closely at the snap below...  can you tell what i am? 

how about here?

yep.  a year ago i started dressing the part to practice for the job that e and i were seeking to add to my current list of duties.  e got her first wiggle on the bottom fronts at that time.  and then they just hung out there.  thrice she has pleaded with our dentist to remove them for her.  thrice he has told her that she has to get them out herself. 

so you can imagine her joy when one of the two was ready to be extracted by her dad.  a tiny pull and voila...  i became the tooth fairy. 

and e... 

well, she went to sleep on time for the first time in months.  smile.

this fairy gig is tough work, but i am happy to add it to my list. 

sick day

e has missed around 5 days of school in her lifetime (including preschool and elementary).  on each of those missed days, she was down for the count...  sick.  to date she has also never missed school for a non-sick day (ie vacation, company, a family activity etc.).  so you can imagine her surprise on friday morning when i told her that she was not going to be going to school. 

let me back up for a moment.  d had been sick on the couch for the better part of the week.  she had been up for two of those nights coughing up a lung with a sore throat and has had no voice now for two days.  on thursday night, p began to cough up a lung and spent the entire night nestled in my bed between scott and i.  e had was also showing signs of an approaching sickness with a little runny nose.

so when my alarm went off on friday morning, i just turned it off and watched my p sleep.  it was one of those momma moments where you fall in love with your (not so much a...) baby (anymore).  (seriously- i'm going to be calling her my baby until she's 42.)  she was peaceful and snugly and not coughing.  a few moments post alarm, e appeared at the side of my bed. 

"mom, aren't you going to wake me up?"

"no.  go back to bed and get some rest.  you're sick."

"i'm not sick mom.  i feel fine."

"no e.  you're sick.  we need more rest."

at that she rolled her eyes, smiled and announced she was going to be in bed reading.

we all got out of bed about 40 minutes later and stayed in our pj's until noon.  we watched judy moody and the not bummer summer on on-demand.  i set up a nail salon in the kitchen and gave the girls pedi's.  we had a dance party.  and we played hair salon. 

if you want to make an appointment, i can give you the stylists number.  scrunchies on your knees?  olivia newton john headbands?  i mean this is the best salon ever!

by the end of the day everyone seemed to be on the mend.  fevers were broken.  voices had returned.  tissues were no longer flying out of the wall box... 

what?  you don't have a tissue dispenser built into your bathroom walls?  (i couldn't resist.  i mean when was i ever going to work my uber cool 60's design element into a blog post?  exactly.)

and you should have heard the conversation that e had with her dad when he arrived home from work.

"dad, you will never believe this!  mom made me stay home from school today and i wasn't even sick!"

love at third sight (part 1)

i should change the title of my blog to something like "diary of a lyric addict" or something like that.  i know.  i'm a dork.  but songs speak to me and inspire me and get my brain digging deeper.  for some reason, song lyrics tend to illuminate the bigger picture for me.

moving on...

recently, i was asked the question if i believed in love at first sight. 

the realist and feminist in me says that there is no such thing.  love doesn't work like that and if it does it is only temporary.  how can a first sight visual get you through life?  how can a glimpse in one direction and eyes locking at their first meeting go the distance?  it's hard for me to say "yes" to that.

the romantic in me says maybe.  i mean it would be nice and everything but it feels like it is a little far fetched and more of a fairytale.  it would be cool but it doesn't really happen like that very often and the fairytale usually ends at the alter not at the 50th wedding anniversary.  maybe i would be more of a believer if there was a cinderella part deaux...  maybe they could show good old cinderella (played by betty white) throwing a ball to help their grandson find his love.  the party could start out with grandma cindy dancing with prince not quite as charming (played by sean connery).  toasts could be given by the people in the town and then the new prince (maybe beiber would be a good fit?) could begin the search for his own cinderella.  nice in theory.  but it isn't exactly real.

the Christ follower in me says "yes".  i recently was reminded (through a message at church) that jacob fell in love with rachel at first sight.

but as for me...  i fell in love with my hubs with the help of tweety bird...  at third sight.

first sight:
scott and i met in a bar.  i used to feel icky saying that.  but it is part of my story and no matter how you spin it, it is the truth.  a bunch of my friends were in town and we were all hanging out at fado in buckhead. the girls and i were chatting as two guys approached us.  they introduced themselves, made some small talk and then one of them asked for my number.  i had never given out my number to a stranger in a bar.  i wasn't sure what to do, but there was something inside me that said "do it".  and so i did.

the guy called me a few days later and asked me on a date.  he wanted to take me out to dinner.  logic told me that this was a bad idea.  girls who go out with people they don't know end up on the 10 o'clock news not on the last page of a fairytale book (and let's be honest, i'm not much of a fan of fairytales).  but again, there was something inside me that said "do it".  in an effort to avoid that news story ending to my life i made plans to meet him at the restaurant, let a few friends know where i was going and was sure to go straight home after dinner.

second sight:
we had a good time.  he was funny, smart, and such a gentleman.  conversation between us was easy and we had a lot in common.  and when he talked about something we didn't have in common, i found him to be intriguing. 

we talked on the phone a bit over the next few weeks.  if i remember correctly, he was going out of town the following week and then i was out of town the weekend after that.  those phone conversations were fun.  i remember them as being long and filled with laughter.  i remember hanging up the phone each time with a smile on my face and feeling joy as i learned new things about this person.  it was exciting and fun and refreshing. 

third sight:
on our second date, he took me to this cool restaurant where i had the most delicious pasta that i have ever had.  i can close my eyes to this date and remember that dish.  in fact, i have spent a great deal of time trying to recreate the recipe because it was that good.  but as usual, i digress.  after dinner he took me to the fox theatre to see les miserables.  yes.  you read that correctly.  who was this guy and where did he come from? 

as we sat in the theatre waiting for the show to begin, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tweety bird pez dispenser.  putting his thumb on the top of tweety's head, he cocked it backwards, looked at me and offered me a pez. 

i fell in love. 

9 years ago this week, that guy and i hung out in aruba celebrating our marriage and relaxing.  it was bliss. 

in august, that guy and i snuck away on a one night adventure to tomales bay.  when we got into the car, he popped in a "mix tape" (ok it wasn't actually a mix tape)...  this song was in the compilation: 

forever can never be long enough for me
to feel like i've had long enough with you
forget the world now, we won't let them see
but there's one thing left to do

now that the weight has lifted
love has surly shifted my way

marry me
today and every day
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will

together can never be close enough for me
to feel like i'm close enough to you
you wear white and i'll wear out the words i love you
and you're beautiful

now that the wait is over
and love has finally showed her my way

marry me
today and every day
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will

promise me you'll always be
happy by my side
i promise to sing to you
when all the music dies

and marry me
today and every day
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will
marry me

it reminded me of how we met.  it reminded me of how much i love him.  it reminded me that our marriage commitment isn't just a choice made once, but one we make each day. 

and so happy 9 years, my sweet husband.  thanks for getting up the nerve to say hello. 

times 3

ok, so now that you've seen p's first haircut snaps i can tell you the rest of the story.

when we walked into the salon the owner and head stylist pulled me to the side and asked if there was any way she could cut delaney's hair.  d is a wee bit hair challenged at this point in time.  her hair is fine and quite thin.  it is a work in progress but our progress was slightly imposed upon at the moment d decided that she wanted to grow her hair out like repunzel.  um...  ok.  me trying to explain to a three year old that you have to cut in order to grow wasn't quite as successful as i had hoped it would be.  and so d declared that she was not in fact EVER going to cut her hair again.  she would dance around her room in her repunzel wig and imagine the day that her real hair reached its goal. 

anywho- when offered with help in getting d into the haircut chair, i happily accepted.  although i must admit i had some momma guilt.  you see here we were at p's first haircut and somehow the moment wasn't going to be quite as pure.  instead of having something being about her with both of her sisters watching, it was turning into a shared moment. 

but d REALLY needed a haircut.

within moments of d being offered a cut, she was climbing up into the chair.  i have no idea what the stylist offered her but whatever it was it worked.  before i could turn around another stylist offered to do a special braid and some curls in e's hair so that she wouldn't be left out. 

yikes.  somehow a moment that was for p wasn't that at all.  not in any way.  it was three girls getting styled and trimmed and glitterized (seriously, they all still have traces of glitter on their scalps). 

it saddened me for a few minutes and then i went on with the business of tending to the girls.  when we left the salon, scott made them all pose outside together (above picture).

it's funny.  when i went back and looked at my photographs to post p's first haircut, i fell in love with this picture of my three girls.  you see, here i was, trying to create a moment for p.  that's a good thing.  knowing the woes of third child (my baby book says that i potty trained at 5 and ate solid food at 2...  i have a complex here people), i wanted to carve out a moment that was all hers.  however, when i looked at that picture of the three of them, i realized that there will be a lifetime of moments that are all hers.  as people, we tend to do that rather naturally.  we can take a moment and turn it into a "me moment" in the blink of an eye.  but as the mom of these three little ladies, i have a responsibility to help them create sister moments.  i can empower them to share.  i can train them to seek moments where they can celebrate one another rather than just themselves.  i don't know how that translates in each of their lives, but i sure hope it evolves into women who seek to be in relationship with one another.  i hope it promotes a mentality that lifts others up rather than one that longs to be at the top themselves.  i pray that they learn the value of going deeper with people and coming alongside others.  i desire that they engage in community and embrace people. 

i know that is a long stretch from sharing a first haircut day.  but all movements have to start somewhere.  this is the movement i hope i am starting for them and i am thankful for a shared experience to help me really see the value in promoting the "sisterhood" rather than promoting the "me".

 

just look at their faces.  in that shared moment, each one shines just as they are.  their uniqueness that is displayed in their expressions contribute to the beauty of the picture as a whole. 

snip snip

it recently dawned on me that p had never had a haircut.  things like this slip by me from time to time.  call it third child denial syndrome...  she couldn't possible be old enough to need a haircut, right?  call it negligent momma...  either one might be fitting in this case.  anyway, sometime in august i realized that d couldn't see.  i also realized that my husband had never attended the "first haircut" experience.  i thought i might offer it up to him and see if he was interested in attending this event in the life of p.  he did.  unfortunately, that meant that we would have to wait a few weeks for a saturday appointment.  a wait that was well worth it- as an involved daddy is priceless in the eyes of this momma. 

after several weeks of waiting, our appointment day arrived.  p was delighted to discover that this time the trip to the salon was for HER.  when i asked her where she was going, she joyfully replied, "to my haircut!"

she carefully chose her chair and then adopted her business face.  she took the job of "haircut client" rather seriously.  she listened well.  she sat still.  she kept her chin down... you get the picture.

and there you have it:  p's first haircut. 

isn't she delish?

pops

these snaps make me feel way less guilty about my 4 lb tub of red vines...  that i told my small group i was going to share with them...  and then didn't.  but how can you feel bad about consuming 4 lbs. of red vines with your girls when you see these photos?  you can't.  i don't. while my waistline is appalled, my heart is really happy.  for if i didn't eat all of above mentioned red vines then my sweet p would not have this beautiful bug box to house her cricket friend.   

a joke and a photo

a joke:
i am a terrible joke teller.  i mess up the story.  i forget the punch line.  it all goes bad.

when i was in college i interviewed at a local sports bar for a waitressing position.  the interview was going really well.  the manager who was interviewing me told me he was pretty sure that he was going to hire me but that he had one more question.  he then asked me to tell him a joke. 

uh oh.

this is the joke that i told him: 

three guys were down on their luck, walking down a country road.  as it started to get dark they began to think about where they could stay for the night.  seeing a barn off in the distance, the first guy suggested they hide in the barn for the night.  the other two guys, not having any better ideas agreed this was a good plan.  they headed off through some orchards towards the barn and made beds in the hay loft.  early the next the morning the farmer went into the barn to tend to the animals.  much to the three guys dismay, they were discovered by the farmer who was not really happy.  the three guys tried to convince the farmer that they were sorry and that they would do anything to keep the farmer from turning them into the local police.  the farmer took the bait.  he told the three guys that to make up for it, they had to go out into the fields and pick a bushel of any crop that they wanted to.  the three guys grabbed their bushel baskets and headed off in different directions to pick the crop of their choice.  after some time, the first guy headed back to the barn with his full bushel basket of peaches and handed them to the farmer.  the farmer instructed the man to drop his pants and bend over.  he then poured the bushel basket of peaches onto the guys hind side.  the guy was moaning in pain and rather embarrassed.  after he pulled up his pants he took a seat on a bail of hay.  a few minutes later, the second guy came into the barn with his bushel basket of apples.  the farmer instructed him to do the same as the first guy.  while the apples were dumped on the second guys tush, he screamed out in pain.  after he gained composure he took a seat on the hay bail next to his friend.  suddenly the two guys burst out in laughter.  they were giggling and hee hawing.  this angered the farmer. 

"what are you laughing about?  this is not supposed to be funny! tell me why you are laughing!" the infuriated farmer demanded.

between gut grabbing laughs, the two men blurted out, "the third guys picking watermelons".


i did not get the job.

and a photo...

i usually share more each summer about my garden.  earlier this year i showed you my plot of hope in my backyard.  and then summer got underway and i lost track of time and meandered away from writing for a little bit.  but i wanted to share a bit about my little garden.  it yielded cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots, radishes, eggplants, a small handful of strawberries, some squash, lettuce, onions, potatoes, and some peppers that are somehow just now ripening. 

oh. 

and some mini watermelons.  aren't they cute?

yum.

i was born and raised a yankee fan

just in case you were wondering where the buser girls stood on this issue. 

sorry, dad.  

go bradley!

almost exactly 4 years ago scott and i began taking bradley classes for the birth of d.  we figured that since simply wanting a natural birth didn't quite work out the first time (i was begging for drugs after a few hours of having my water broken), we wanted to be more prepared. 

the classes cost around $400.  the babysitter for e was $40 for 8 weeks.  if you do the math, that was a $720 investment to choose pain.

i've been thinking about that investment a lot lately...  it paid off in the short term.  d came into this world without drugs. a few years later it paid off again with p.  if you divide it between d and p... it was only $360 a kid.  not bad.

but the math doesn't end there. 

i am also beginning to think that the bradley method is far more genius than i could have ever known at the time.  you see, i find myself using his strategies years post laboring.

take today for example.  i used his "focus on your happy place" strategy to make it through the bickering that occurred throughout breakfast.  his "counting breaths" method worked well as d was terrorizing her sister as we played in the front yard.  and yes, i used his "focus on relaxing each muscle group" while trying to get dinner on the table.

i'm beginning to wonder if bradley tried to play a little trick on all of us "naturally" inclined birthing mommas.  i question if maybe, he knew that he'd have our undivided attention as we prepared for birth to REALLY give us tools that would actually help us survive later journeys in motherhood.  i'm not sure they helped all that much in the birthing process, but those tricks are paying off dividends in the toddler, preschooler, elementary years (for this momma, at least).

yes.  that was $720 that i would invest all over again.  sure, i felt like i had reached a mountain top after each drug free birth, but i had no idea how i would feel after surviving a day like today by using those tools all over again.

i am momma!  hear me roar... 

d's first day

my d has been waiting her entire life to go to preschool.  her momma has been in no hurry.  it's funny how it changes from kid 1 to kid 2.  with e, i was excited for the first day, but with d i sort of wanted to put it off for as long as possible.  it's not that i don't want her to explore the great big world without her momma, it's just that i know she has lots of time for that.  she doesn't have lots of time to stay safe in the confines of the pre preschool.  the world could wait, as far as this mom was concerned.  but alas, i knew the time had come for my 3 1/2 year old girlie to begin the academic adventure that awaits her. 

and so a few weeks ago, my d began her journey into the world without her mom.  she was excited to finally use the backpack that she received last year for chirstmas.  although she doesn't really need a backpack, she toted it none-the-less.  the night before she had a mild case of "but momma, what if's".  it was the typical slew of questions, but sort of uncharacteristic for this little bug.  once she sorted through her worry list,  she was good to go.  on the big day, she asked "how long until i leave?" about 3000 times.  since she attends in the afternoon, so it felt like years in the life of a 3 year old.  she made it, though.  and off to school she skipped.

she posed for her obligatory "first day of school" snaps with excitement.  having watched her sister do this for the past few years, she knew it was a rite of passage.  it was a rite of passage that i believe she secretly coveted.  for the first time, this photo was about her. 

as i drove her to school, i started to get nervous.  notice it was me- not her...  yep, that's right it was the momma with the "giant sized butterflies".

and then off into the world she went.

she loves that she has something "unknown" to share at the dinner table each night.  she loves that she has her very own picture day and book fair.  she giggle about her new friends and her sweet teacher.  she's good and for her, all is right in the world.

God sounds like...

a while ago our church did a series titled, "God sounds like".  they went through different genres of music and paralleled the composition style of the music to characteristics of God (i'm having a hard time describing it so i'm going to go ahead and stick with that description). 

i kept waiting for the hip-hop / pop music week.  it didn't happen.  don't get me wrong.  the series was way good, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a wee bit disappointed. 

it got me thinking...  and listening to the radio with a bit of intentionality.  if God were to be captured by a hip-hop / pop song, which song would it be?  at first look, i realized that my kids shouldn't be listening to the radio without some serious adult supervision.  there's a ton of songs that have catchy choruses and toe tapping beats that are downright raunchy when you fully listen to the lyrics. 

but i didn't want to give up in my quest. 

here's what i've come up with...  God sounds a lot like bruno mars (grenade).  go ahead, take a listen.  i'll be right here when you return.

 

anyone got my back on this one?  isn't it fair to say that Jesus is a lot like the dude that bruno sings about?  bruno's dude is catching grenades and jumping in front of trains and all he's asking in return is that this girl give him all of her love.  not too much to ask, right?  that's what my man Jesus wants from us too.  He died (on a cross not by a bullet in the brain but on a very real cross... and either way you arrive at the same ending) for us and asks us to love him in return.  He asks us to die for Him, too.  not a physical death but a death from self in exchange for a lifetime in heaven.  not such a bad trade if you think about it. 

the first lines of the song are...

easy come, easy go that's just how you live.  oh, take take take it all but you never give.

i've been thinking of that line a great deal over the past few months.  grace based faith is important for many reasons but it can't just end there.  we can't just take what God has given to us and leave it at that.  we are called to action. 

what does that look like?  sometimes i get caught up in the grander things that God calls some of us to do.  but i think our calling, in its simplest form, produces things like

spending time with Him

in prayer

in His word

in worship (even through a bruno mars song)

it can be a patience with the irritatingly slow lady at the gas station

a kind smile to the momma who's babes are having a meltdown in the grocery checkout

being present in the life of someone going through the challenges life has thrown at them...

the opportunities are endless.

and i must admit, i often miss the mark and don't answer the call of the Holy Spirit to step out of myself and be the girl that gives. 

and so for me, sometimes God sounds like grenade by bruno mars.

but the good news is that the lyrics in my song change.   so can yours.  we all get to choose today to follow a different path.  we get to choose Him and to love Him and to live in a way where we don't just take His grace but answer the call that we hear deep within our hearts.  we get to give back in response to this unbelievable sacrifice made on our behalf.

the end. 

p at age 2

my p is following in the footsteps of her big sister d.  she is full of adventure.  short on fear.  constantly seeking giggles.  searching for thrills.  she makes the other moms at the park gasp.  she usually has dirty toes.  her hair is perpetually in her eyes.  and she brings much joy (and exhaustion) to my days.





my dad's really old

in july i had the privilege of celebrating my dad's 70th birthday- he didn't actually turn 70 until september but he's difficult like that.  you have to surprise the guy way ahead of time to get one past him. i made the trip to ny under the mask of attending an old friends wedding in the town where i grew up- not sure how he bought it as i haven't been back there in a bazillion years, but he did.  i spent the day before the party hanging out with the family and some close friends of my dad.  on saturday morning he went off for a golf extravaganza not having a clue what was to come.  when he arrived home from golf, he was greeted in the street by all of his family and tons of his life-long friends.  it was beautiful.  i loved looking around and seeing all of these people that he has done life with.  by now, you know that i value relationships a great deal.  friendships mean a lot to me.  i owe this value to my dear old dad.  attending the party were friends he has had from every part of his life.  there were peeps from his childhood, golf buddies, pals from before he had kids, pals from his years in marcellus and pals from his current hood that have become family.  and each person in attendance celebrated the man that he is- a man of relationships, a man of humor, a man of adventure. 

with siblings strung across the united states, it is a rare day for all of us to be together.  i cherish the brief time that we all had to be together.  it was lovely to hang out with them and share conversations, stories and old family videos. 





i have some pretty amazing siblings.  my brother lives in austin and is going to school and working for a really cool company.  stacy is a homeschooling momma with 5 kiddos in her "school"- that makes me tired to even think about, a leader of her women's ministry at her church, and the caretaker for my momma.  heather is a proud momma of 3, a fashionista, cabi consultant and closet auditor.  and my littlest sister, amanda is steps away from getting her masters and about to start pa school.  it makes me proud to think about all of them.  each one is beautiful and accomplished in such unique ways.



i went to sleep on saturday night on an aerobed on the floor of our guest room.  billy was at the foot of my mattress on the floor and heather and amanda were sharing the queen bed.  stacy and her fam were just down the hall in one direction and my dad and smom were just down the hall in the other direction. 

the weirdest thing overcame me as i tried to sleep.  i was giddy.  i can't really remember the last time that we were all under the same roof of my father's home, tucked into our beds together.  most families experience this their entire life, but for me this is an unusual occurrence.  i didn't want to close my eyes and drift off into dreamland because i just wanted to savor the moment. 

while this was very much a wonderful way to celebrate my daddy, it was just as memorable for me.  i will replay scenes from this weekend for years to come and will not soon forget the incredible feeling of togetherness. 

i am grateful.  thanks, dad, for a reason to assemble.  you are one of kind and i love you so very much.

a bunny and a grandma

i would like to go on record saying that my grandmother is the most amazing woman i have ever known.  i know a lot of pretty cool women, but she takes the cake and always has.  i had the privilege of hosting her and my father for a visit (i promise to write more about the rest of the trip soon), but today i want to highlight this particular part.  mostly, because my dad asked me to post these pics and i thought they were lost forever in my cell phone that fell apart in my hands on friday.  lucky for me, i had them stored in my camera and not my phone. 

gigi, as she is called by my girls, thought it was a hoot that we had a leash for our pet rabbits.  in fact, i think she thought it was a hoot that we had pet rabbits in the first place.  she wanted to be sure we captured her "walking the bunny" so she could show her gal pals and daughters. 

so here you have it:  gigi walking the bunny.  named lucy.  who we thought was a girl.  but have reason to suspect might be a boy.  oy!  (i'll keep you posted on that one.)

 and may i just highlight that gigi is going to be 92 in november.  have you ever seen such a sassy dresser?  i mean really, she has on boot cut jeans and is ever so stylish!  i just wanted to point that out because...  well, my gigi is pretty amazing.  but she's not just amazing for her outward stuff...  she shared with me some pretty cool tips on life.

one of the things that i will hold onto is her attitude about life.  our conversation began with me asking her what she believed was the greatest invention in her lifetime.  i wanted to know what changed her life the most and impacted her directly.  she answered it with, "well, the airplane was pretty amazing but it didn't change my life right away.  flying was so expensive and as a girl, i didn't fly until much later in life.  i think it was the television or the radio.  it was a family activity and maybe even a neighborhood activity.  you didn't watch or listen alone.  you would invite friends over and share a program together and it also helped you to be connected with what was going on in the world."  cool perspective. 

and then i asked her if it was difficult to see all the changes that she has seen in her lifetime.  i asked her if she felt like our world now was a scarier place now than at other times in her life.

her answer was pretty amazing.  she said, "tasha, the world has changed.  it gets bad and then it gets better.  it has highs and it has lows.  at one point you think this is the very worst and how could it possibly get better from here.  and then it gets better.  it's like a pendulum going back and forth between good times and bad.  i always find that it is best to just look forward.  there isn't any benefit to looking back.  sure, it's hard to adapt but life goes forward and if you refuse to move forward with it, it will leave you behind." 

i love that.  i think that as human beings we have a tendency to pine for the past.  we put on our rose colored glasses and trick ourselves into thinking that what we once had was better than what we have now.  i remember as a new mom i had days where i wondered why in the world we would have rocked our "no kids" boat.  we were foot loose and fancy free- not tied to naps or covered in spit up.  and yet, we didn't have our precious e.  sure, being a new mom is hard, but it is in fact better.  sometimes you have to climb out of the dirty nappies to see that (so to speak), but it's true. 

when we moved to california i thought similar thoughts.  i longed for chicago and my home in la grange.  i had moments where sadness took over and i tricked myself into thinking that if i could just go back i would be in glory land.  not true.  glory land is the here and now.  glory land is grabbing a snuggle with p or catching the twinkle in the eyes of d.  it is a quick kiss from my husband or reading with my dear e.  glory land is dinner with my p-town girls or glimpse up at this beautiful california sky.  it isn't absent of pain or frustration.  it isn't perfection but it is what is happening now.  it's showing up.  it's being attentive for the person that needs a smile or a hug.  it's being willing to listen.  it's sharing a meal or a coffee.  it's meeting at the park.  and instead of just "passing the time"  it is engaging with those that you are surrounded by.

i am so grateful for my grandmother.  i cherish her wisdom and am beyond thankful for each and every moment i get to spend with her.  she is wise...  beyond her years. 

(all things in quotes are paraphrases as i remember them.)

10k part 2011

this morning i ran in my 2nd annual 10k for breast cancer.  last year, thanks to so much generosity from so many of you, i ran to raise money for my sister.  it was motivating.  with each step, with each mile, i knew that i was taking hard earned money from your wallets in an effort to alleviate some burden on my sister's cancer induced financial strain.  i felt this responsibility to run, to do my best, to "earn" that money for her, so to speak.  it also felt overwhelming and minimal and "not enough".  my sister was in the middle of a fight for her life and i was sweating a little bit, enjoying some time with a friend, and taking in some amazing views found in freemont, ca. 

my siter has spent the better part of the last year "fighting".  she has endured months of chemo, daily radiation, a handful of surgeries, and a very regular schedule of being poked and prodded by a team of doctors.  sounds fun, right?  yeah, i don't think so either.  she's done it with a smile, with a sense of strength, and with a faith in God like i can't describe.  i am not surprised- it's who she's always been.  but it has been inspiring to watch. 

her cancer diagnosis has shaken me a little.  i've asked God a lot of questions about the how's and why's of all of this.  and with His help, i've come to formulate some opinions on the matter.  i'll come back to this in a minute.

today i ran with a dear friend of mine, dawn.  she lost her momma to cancer a few years ago.  i don't think it is a coincidence that our first "real" conversation was about her mom, cancer and their journey.  it happened a few months prior to stacy's diagnosis and i've thought about it so many times since.  i had no idea what was in store for my beloved sister.  and yet, right before i would need it, God placed an amazing woman in my life that would know the journey well.  i also ran with dawn's cousin today, and while i don't know her personally, i do know of how she supported dawn's family by being present at the funeral of dawn's mom.

i ran the first half of the race with these two beautiful women.  we chatted, we sweat, and passed the time.  it was nice.

about half way through the race the 10k runners sort of collided with the 5k walkers.  it was right at the moment where my body was starting to feel the heat and my legs were getting sore...  not so much fun to be dodging through masses of people as you tried to keep up your endurance.  anyhow, in an effort to maintain my sanity, i became separated from dawn and erica.  immediately, i missed the conversation.  but as i let my mind wander.  i began to think about dawn and my sister and a friend in pleasanton who recently began chemo. i also had a few epiphanies.  i never met dawn's mom.  from what i have heard, i really wish i could.  as i though about dawn running for her momma i started to get a little choked up and then i realized something.  in many ways, i've met her.  through the sparkle in dawn's eyes, through her calm voice and her intentional parenting.  i bet i've met her mom through her sense of style and her chic taste in home decor. the list could go on.  i could be wrong and i know it is not even close to meeting dawn's actual momma, but it brought me some comfort.  i also thought about how proud her momma would feel with her daughter and the woman she has become.

i also began to see how for as much as cancer sucks, it also has a few positive outcomes.  in some instances, it can be unifying.  for dawn and i, it was the focus of our first real conversation.  and over the past months, it has motivated us to run regularly.  through that running, we've been blessed with the opportunity to really get to know each other.  dawn and i would have been friends regardless, but i find it interesting that cancer unites us in a different way.  we have another mutual friend who i find this to be true about- and while i would never in a million years wish cancer on anyone and while i can only imagine how much they long for their mommas, i am thankful that we are united by it.  i feel blessed that these two women have been "in my circle" over the past two years and known the path that my sister was walking.  it lightened the load in some ways for me.

now let's get back to what i was saying before.  i've been asking God a lot of questions over this past year and digging into His word to find some of the answers.  one of the conclusions that i have come to is that God does not CAUSE bad things to happen to us.  but He participate in them happening to us.  as i've watched stacy on her journey, i see how her morning time with Him has maintained her strength and kept her focused on the purpose of the journey.  i've seen how God has created a community to lift her up- people have sent her cards on a regular basis, ministered to her family by bringing them dinners, friends have taken turns watching her children on the days when she needed rest, people have sent gifts, left messages on facebook, offered hugs...  it goes on and on and on.  and it inspires me about the good that can be found in the heart of people.  God longs for us to be a community such as this.  He longs for us to walk through the mess of life together and to point one another in the direction of Him.

in hebrews chapter 10 vs. 24-25 it says:
so let's do it - full of belief, confident and presentable inside and out.  let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going.  He always keeps His word.  let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big day approaching.

in romans chapter 12 vs. 9-10 it says this:
love from the center of who you are; don't fake it.  run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good.  be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

i love that!  was i just invited to be inventive in encouraging and helping others?  looks like it.  did the bible just tell me to be a good friend who loves deeply?  yep.  was i just encouraged to play second fiddle?  uh-huh.

it's not always easy to do.  putting others before us and fading a little bit into the background sometimes feels counter-culture.  it's hard and it isn't our nature.  but it's what we are really called to do. 

i haven't found an answer for why their is cancer in this very broken and sinful world (although that could be the simplest form of an answer), but i can say with certainty that cancer has this ability to bring light and joy and community into our lives.  it can point us in the direction of heaven.  it can diminish our "me focus" and help us focus on the pain and suffering of those in our world. 

i hate cancer.  but i have found that i love some of the things that it brings to the surface.

so here's to running.  here's to my sister.  here's to dawn and shanon and friendship and sharing life with those we are blessed to be surrounded by.  here's to a God that didn't miss a topic in His teaching and His plan for us to do this thing together.

a peak into the thoughts of e

things for thanks

fruit saturday storys bagels

Quinn Me Lemon heads

meatballs kittens poppy cats uniqorns

dogs mom mirikles

dad God puppys kaylie

happy endings picnics

p
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i
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s
e
s
s
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i found the above on a piece of paper in e's nightstand. she is notorious for making lists of things... lists of friends, favorite books, things she wants to buy with the money she doesn't have (giggle) and other things of that nature. i found this one today. it made me smile. i thought i'd share. it was written with the spelling and capitalization that you see and done with a red colored pencil. i love it. i love her. enjoy.

not a garge sale part deux

you may recall that last year we cleaned out our garage. it was a comical event that we refer to as "not a garage sale". well, that was all good and fine until we had to up and move AGAIN. as you can imagine, moving with three kiddos (one who is in the pull everything out of every drawer, bin, closet etc. stage) is a little chaotic. as a result, our garage has been a wee bit of a disaster. and so, yet again, we hauled it all onto the front lawn and got down to the business of putting things into place.

e was delighted when a few people drove up to see if we were having a garage sale. while we didn't have a steady flow of traffic like last year (and didn't need to make a sign), e loved telling people that we were just cleaning the garage.

we discovered that it is inevitable. very soon, we are in fact going to be having a garage sale. with three growing babes we have a lot of stuff to unload. but in spite of the tight quarters, i was able to pull my big 'ole gas guzzler into the garage and close the door. it was a good feeling.

i would also like to report there was some suspicious activities going on while this momma and daddy-o were cleaning. i went to investigate. e was standing over a closed box with a roll of tape in hand. poppy was watching intently from the sidelines with a very perplexed look on her face. once the box was taped shut, e went on her merry way.

suddenly the box began moving a little bit and the tape was starting to loosen. look closely.

any guesses on what was inside? i'm pretty sure you can do the math.