thanksgiving, 2010

last year i told you all about how i'm not much of a thanksgiving fan. a year later, i would like to retract that statement. yes, folks, i have become a fan of the big day.

on tuesday i began the adventure and brinned our 19 lb. friend tom. it was a little dicey as i had no idea what i was doing. but teamed up with my friend marcie, we pulled off our rookie thanksgiving. it was wonderful! yup, i'm a convert.

and that was just the beginning of an amazing, full, fantastic, exciting, joyful, weekend. on friday we went to tilden park in berkely to meet up with my chicago friend sarah and her family. lucky for us, sarah's family celebrates a mini-family reunion in the area every year. we had a lovely time and our two girlies (who played together as babes) picked up right where they left off.

i'm not sure what this meeting entailed, but hannah and ellie were leading the charge. max and delaney were eager to participate. it was adorable.

on the way home, i discovered this little sign in the side of a hill. it summed up my emotion!

the next morning, as we headed out on another adventure, we saw this little prize in the sky.

d was a little thirsty, so she caught some raindrops.

and after we experienced all the fun we could handle, we headed to a fish market for some good eats to take home with us... fresh squid for calamari. my hubby, the master deep fryer, made a delectable treat for us all to enjoy.

and one of our babes crashed before we left the parking lot. i think it is fair to say we wore this one out.

and what could evoke these precious smiles?

jiffy pop, of course!

and if all of that wasn't enough, we topped off the weekend with the trimming of the tree.

i think it is fair to say that i have a lot to be thankful for!

an open door

back in february, i experienced a day that was clearly marked by moments that when strung together had God's hand print written all over them. i could tell you the very long story, but i promise you it would take a tons of time. instead, you'll just have to take my word for it (and thank me for sparing you from a ten page post... i promise this one could be long anyway). basically, two words were being cemented into my heart. vagabond and known. what??? you should also know that both of these messages originated from a conversation with my sister. you should also know that neither of them ended with her. that's important because it was a such a layered, twisted, cool way in which God spoke to me. it wasn't audible but it was clear.


VAGABOND! KNOWN!


let me explain what those two words meant to me- at the time the two biggest cries of my heart were to find a home and to develop friendships. the house thing was driving me bonkers. we were just a few months away from the end of our lease, just a few more months away from the "need to close on a house" date established by scott's company and to complicate matters, i felt very much alone in the world- like nobody knew me. i felt like everywhere i went i was auditioning for the role of friend. it sucked.


anyways, on that day in february, it was clear that God did not want us to buy a house at that time. i didn't know how it was all supposed to shake out (and at times, didn't really listen to what i knew He was telling me) but that was the deal. "tasha, you're going to feel a bit like a vagabond here for a while. that's ok. you're going to be fine. oh, and by the way, i've got all the details covered." i'm putting words to this as God didn't speak this to me, but the peace that those words suggest swept through my core at the time. i can't explain it- but that's just how it happened. i was overwhelmed with this feeling and at the core of the feeling was "vagabond" wrapped in peace.


and smack dab in the middle of God swirling me up in this new housing concept, He sent me another message... tasha, you are KNOWN. i feel like this part of the story actually could benefit from some of the details. a girl i was getting to know, robin, called me out of the blue and left me a message (while i was on the other line opening up to my sister about how lonely i was and she was committing to me to pray for friendships). the message went something like this... "hi tasha... i was just calling to say hello and just tell you how i feel like you're an old friend. i know we just met but i feel like i've known you for years and that we just haven't caught up in a while. i'm looking forward to that chance to sit down with you and catch up."


UMMM, WHAT?


that one probably doesn't need any further explanation. i got the message loud and clear, God. i'm KNOWN.


i should probably insert here that by wanting to be "known" i mean exactly what robin said in the message. i missed that element of history that comes with a long time friend. you don't have to give the background to the background to the background when telling a story. they've been there with you along the way and they KNOW the details. it's sort of a good, bad and ugly situation- i think i gave my best friend in third grade a poster that sums this up. "a friend is a person who knows all about you and still loves you." that's what i mean by KNOWN.


and i guess it should come as no surprise that two things happened in the months to follow. first, try as we might, we could not even find a house to buy (see, i told you i wasn't totally obedient). second, God worked out each and every tiny detail from scott's boss abandoning the initial moving contract to our landlord giving us a very favorable lease arrangement. third, from the months of february to the present, God has surrounded me with community. now i don't mean to sound all "i've got like so many friends and i'm so popular". that's not the deal. but God has given me very specific women who i connect with in beautiful ways. the short version- i feel KNOWN. sure, there's a lot more to know on both sides of each of these friendships. but the valuable part is, that i want to know these women more. and for me, i feel like that's a two way street.


can i get an amen??? for reals! i stop here in this story and just shout out, praise you Father! you are such an amazing conductor! this is my story, so i've done the "amen" several times but just writing it out again brings me right back to that place of awe at such a beautiful God!

now fast way forward to three weeks ago. scott saw a house on mls. i'll skip over the details of all of that, and simply say for the first time we felt like this was right. we paused, we prayed, we reverted back to the way this "move to california" thing fleshed itself out (God opening a door and leading us to walk through... one door at a time. if the next door opened... walk through, pray, trust...)

we did a lot of praying. we wrote an offer. we prayed some more- not to get the house but that God's will would take place and that we'd be ok with the end results. the house is a short sale, so we expected to be waiting for some time as these things with the bank can take a while.

less than two weeks later, the bank accepted our offer! that just doesn't happen with short sales typically. um, that feels like another open door! praise God! and so we walk through the next door (inspection) on this journey towards a home.

on the day we heard about the house my sister sent me a text with the name of an artist and two songs i should check out. i was in the car at the time so didn't get around to listening to the songs until this past weekend. i had no idea what i was about to hear. and i don't believe she knew the power of what she was sending me. i think she just knew they spoke to her and that i'd like them.

snippet from the first song:
yeah, these are old shoes that i've been walking in
i'm wearing weary like it's a second skin
i've been looking for a place to lay my head

all this time like a vagabond
a homeless stranger , i've been wandering
all my life you've been calling me to a home
you know i've been needing, i'm a broken stone
so lay me in the house you're building
yeah, come on

you are a shelter for every misfit soul
we are the four walls and you're the cornerstone
you are, and you're the solid rock that we are built upon

all this time like a vagabond.

wait, did that say VAGABOND? i listened again. oh, sweet Jesus! that is just like you to bring me right back to this spot at this exact moment! reaffirming the message i received, have contemplated, want so much to know that we have a green light... that feels green to me!

i moved on to the next song:
oh and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
oh, you have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
and as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
this is how it is with you and i
oh, this is how it is with you and i

savior, you have known me as i am
healer, you have known me as i was
as i will be in the morning, in the evening
you have known me, yeah, you know me.

my heart leaped with joy and tears sprang into my eyes. it was one of those beautiful God moments where God of the universe confirms that He is also friend, father, shepherd of our hearts. and in such a brilliant way! you see, in those two songs, i was reminded that being a vagabond isn't such a concern after all. i have a home and Christ is the cornerstone of that dwelling. and i am known- by the only one that matters. but as a gift, God might be blessing me with an earthly home and also as a gift, He's blessed me with beautiful women to journey through this life with. PRAISE GOD!

and so on thursday, we will have an inspection. maybe this is how our "move to california" story ends. maybe not. either way, i rejoice in a Father who has not left me as a vagabond but one who prepares a place for me in heaven. and i celebrate that while i long to have community here on this planet (and He's met that need), He's known me all along.

do you know where your children are?

apparently, i misplaced one of mine for a wee moment. she may have felt adventurous and it is entirely possible that she climbed her little 'ol self onto a counter. this particular location may have defied the law of gravity. for what went up, could not come down. but when i discovered her, she didn't seem to mind so much. in fact, it appeared that she was having a grand time. i'm not certain, but there was a tiny bit of evidence suggesting that she was acting out the story of goldilocks. you know, with toothbrushes, instead of chairs, porridge and beds.

and thinking about climbing made me think of another recent climbing incident. it's funny how poppy actually wore that outfit just a day or two ago. i usually think of my p-nut as a little e, but suddenly she is showing a lot of d.

spicing up the mommy routine

there is no school this week and our fam is on the mend from a little visit from a virus. that equates to a home bound momma with three babes claiming to be bored. as a result, today required a little momma innovation. if you're a momma, you know what i'm talking about. it was one of those days that required me to think up new variations of things we do on a regular basis, trying to restore the joy that the activity once had. instead of "boring" art projects, we broke out the "special" bin of stampers and ink pads. we didn't play sorry or candy land, but dug deeper into the game cabinet for pick-up sticks and mix-max (a game i forgot i loved so much). we didn't dance to princess music, opting for Christmas music instead (it was a lovely performance, if i do say so myself).

and by 4:30, i had plum run out of "new" ideas. that is, until i noticed an empty basket that was once filled with toys in the family room. yesterday, those toys were relocated to a new spot in the house, leaving the basket open for opportunity. today, opportunity spoke.

we decided to play "babe in a basket". what's that? oh, i don't know. it's just a little game we made up to pass some time. we cushied it up a wee bit and took turns being... the babe in the basket. it wasn't the most inventive thing i've ever done. it was more like a last straw. but those ideas, those are the ones that get some miles around here.

here's small babe in a basket. she brought her raffie along for the experience.

and as you might have suspected, next came medium babe in a basket. if you look close you can see that she is holding onto soosie in her hand. yup. my near three year old still sucks a soose. guess we need to attend to that matter in the coming weeks. either way, she's delish.

last (or first, depending on your meaning) is large babe in a basket. i love how big she is and miss how little she is all from one little sitting in a basket. she did some fake crying (you know, acting like a babe) which made her sisters giggle over and over.

oh, and what are my kids doing right now? yeah, they are playing "nap" on the pull-out sofa. who knew that they had no idea we had a bed hiding under the cushions? i pulled that out a few minutes ago while uploading these snaps and they have been happily entertaining themselves.

do share! what do you do to spice up your mommy routine when you are confined inside?

belief

and while i'm on a role- i think i should go just one step further towards the truth. (even in the truth, we always tend to hold something back, right?)


lately, i've been in an even bigger struggle (as if mommy induced "less than" isn't enough!). i have been struggling with God.


the moment that stands out as the beginning of this was two years ago on thanksgiving. as you know, my mom was hit by a car. the same mom that is handicapped from a brain aneurysm. the same mom that raised three girls alone. the same mom that lost both of her parents before her twelfth birthday. it messed with my head. i found myself saying, "really, God? couldn't you have protected her from THIS?". i fought through that battle and saw God show up. He revealed Himself through the compassion of nurses, the wisdom of doctors, the love of friends. He even showed up through pat the pilot. and i tucked that morsel of doubt in my pocket and moved on, clinging to a God that i know is real. clinging to a God who is who He said He was. i've seen it with my own eyes.


and then came the selling of our house and pregnancy and a move.... i almost don't even want to talk about it any more. it disturbed me. i kept asking, "God, what's the point in all of this? are you here? any chance you want to jump in and lighten the load?" and then He did. so i tucked my ugly thoughts and feelings right into that little old pocket and moved forward. i clung to His goodness and how He showed up. i even told you about it a few months later.


a few days after my mom was hit by a car, my sister's husband announced he wasn't happy in their marriage. what? you've been married for twenty years and you picked now to share that? after the birth of poppy i spent each and almost every nursing session praying for their marriage. i reached out to my brother-in-law. i begged God to bring him back and restore this commitment of marriage. two years later, they are weeks away from a final divorce decree. it rocks my world. and my heart cries out, "God, do something! show up! fix THIS!"


and then there is cancer. my 38 year old sister, mother of 6, mother who buried her fourth son... "are you kidding me, God????".


and well he's shown up in each and every situation. while He's been present and active, working for good, i would be a liar if i didn't confess that i've been beat down. i've been exhausted. i've been wrecked with doubt.


add that to my momma ADD, and i can promise you it's not a pretty head space. i don't like where my mind goes. it gets ugly.


over the past week, i learned that a dear friend in chicago has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. he's young. he has two kids under the age of 7. his wife is beautiful, compassionate, thoughtful. she's even tempered, patient, and a woman who seeks the kingdom. in fact, she doesn't just seek it, she embodies it. this family doesn't need THIS! and my heart cries out, "oh, God! stop the insanity!"


and that is just the tip of the iceberg. there are people in my life who aren't as open (therefore i won't share their stories) but they are dealing with job loss, foreclosure, sickness, loss, loss, loss...


well, it could feasibly turn a girl of great belief into a girl of great doubt. and yet it doesn't. it reminds me of mark 9. now i'm not a religious scholar, but it speaks to me in its most simplest form.


basically, jesus goes up on a mountain with peter, james and john. before their very eyes, he gets "transfigured"???? transfigured means to become the true nature of the son of God. basically, three dudes saw Him for who He really was. doubt gets washed away. instead of their pal, jesus, they saw Him as King. picture that for a minute. they are his followers. they think he's a great teacher- so much so that they drop everything and join his mission. but they didn't really KNOW. suddenly, they are up on a mountain and it is revealed to them. now, THEY KNOW. and then they get caught up in this little banter about elijah.



verse 12 says this: Jesus replied, "to be sure elijah does come first, and restores all things. why then is it written that the Son of Man must suffer much and be rejected? but i tell you, elijah has come, and they have done to him everything that they wished, just as it is written about him.



He lays it out for them. saying, your timeline is right. you just missed elijah. and now, it's time for me.



from this huge, stunning moment in the lives of three of the disciples, they go to meet the rest. they find them in a huge crowd. the remaining disciples are in the middle of a scene, so to speak. people are up in arms because they are trying to heal this boy but cannot. (annoying right? they've been wandering around with Jesus witnessing healing after healing and then suddenly, they look like fools. they can't heal this dudes kid. and the kid is sick. they want to heal the boy.)



Jesus is irritated. why? because it reveals their disbelief.



He goes to the boy. He talks to the dad...



the boy's dad: but if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.



Jesus: if you can? everything is possible for one who believes.



the boy's dad: i do believe! help me to overcome my unbelief!



that's the part that strikes me. you see, here is God. He's just totally revealed himself to three of the disciples. the full monty, folks. He shows them the whole enchilada. and then He comes down from the mountain and sees the rest of the disciples struggling with their inability to fully believe. insert this dad. a dad who longs for his son to be restored- and in his innocence, in his weakest most pure moment, he cries out for something huge.



help me to overcome my unbelief!



that single sentence speaks volumes to my weary, disheartened soul. God knew i would struggle with THIS! He knew that at times, life would be "too much" and that i would have doubt creeping in, seeping in, clouding over my belief. and He knew, that i could cry out- help me overcome my unbelief!



and He knew that He'd be there, right there in my moments or seasons of unbelief. in spite of the fact that He's shown himself to me over and over and over again (like He'd just shown himself to three of the disciples). it speaks volumes about the patience of the God i love.



the story continues. Jesus heals the boy. we don't know what happens to the boy. we don't know what happens to the dad. but what we do know is that behind closed doors the disciples try to get to the bottom of it with Jesus. "hey, Jesus? what's the deal? why couldn't WE heal him? why couldn't we drive out those demons"



Jesus: this kind can only come out by prayer.



can you picture it? it's my life. i think i know the way. i think i've got the formula. i think i REALLY see who He is. but in reality, i don't really get it. not REALLY. and i get frustrated. i am filled with a fear that i will never reach full sanctification. i begin to doubt.



and then God sweeps in- tasha, you KNOW. I have revealed myself to you before. you KNOW me. and I KNOW you. I know you will have unbelief. and I am there in that, too. seek Me. read My word. PRAY!



and when i embrace that? oh, man! i am right there, back at His feet. and do you know what happens? it is usually in this moment that i see Him, full in His glory, at work- even in the most difficult of moments.



my doubt is transformed over and over again, into belief.

momma induced add

i go through these phases where i don't want to write. i don't mean to suggest that i have nothing to write about (really, people, i'm pretty certain i will never run out of words. i think my hubs might wish that i would when he blows out his birthday candles each year but it will never happen. sigh.) it's just that i have mommy induced add. i start hundreds of posts in my head, sometimes even get half way through writing a post, and by the time i get back to it. poof! i can't even catch the spirit of what i was writing about. my head has moved on.

as a normal (you know, before kids) gal, i tended to be a pretty good planner. i was organized. thoughtful. i paid attention to detail.

insert child number one- i worked part-time (very part-time) for the first two years of e's life. i was an educational consultant/ event planner. i remember days of e playing on the floor while i made business calls from the kitchen table. i was stirring something on the stove, managing a silent wee one, confirming dates/times/payments with the person on the other end of the phone and typing some other document on the laptop. multi-tasking at its best.

by the time d joined the scene, i was a full-time stay-at-home momma living in the burbs. i have a distinct memory of painting furniture while both girls happily played nearby (for those of you with a raised brow- it was non-toxic paint). i also remember planting my entire garden, weeding it, watering it... with the girls playing nicely in the grass.

both of the pictures are nicely painted in my mind. current evidence would indicate that they aren't even close to accurate. but they are the images that linger with me. it's like the edited version of the truth. if i'm honest, someone was probably crying or fighting, or what have you. but in my mind, it was mommy utopia- blissfully enjoying the opportunity to stay home with my girls, while also getting things done. i felt like i was, at the very least, holding it together.

for some reason, these days, that's the exact opposite of how i feel. it seems like at every turn there really is someone crying, someone needing a snack or a diaper change or hitting someone or hurting a sisters feelings... the list goes on and on and on.

i find that on most days my head swirls with all the things that i can't seem to get done. i start to do things, but within moments i'm interrupted and the plan i had goes to the wayside in an attempt to solve the current crisis. and i never get back to the vacuum, laundry, toy bin organizing, email... what have you. and after a while, it starts to mess with your head. if you let it, it starts to rewrite the "you" you used to be and become the "you" that you are. i'm trying not to let it, but there are days that the battle is lost.

i don't have any idea of what all of this means. but i do know what it doesn't mean.

it doesn't mean that i don't have value. it doesn't mean that this is forever. it doesn't mean that the mom on the playlot that looks like she has it all together is better or smarter or more.

it doesn't mean that i am less.

i think that a lot of us mommas (working or stay-at-home) try to play this little game of one-ups-manship. we try to create an image of our utopia (you know, like the one that i'm certain wasn't real but that's the way i remember it in my head). we try to measure up and sometimes, we add a "and then some" to that. i'm guilty of this, more often than i would like to admit.

and if i think about it- i think that is exactly why i like the idea of "community" so much. you see, in my mind, community encompasses those people that you "let in". they don't see a false utopia- they see the real deal. they know that i dropped the "f-bomb" in front of my two year old last week (accidental slip as i tripped over the double doggy pull toy that attacks me from out of nowhere on a daily basis), that i cried at the counter on monday because my friend is going through an enormous struggle that i can't fix, that i get frustrated with the mundane elements of staying at home with my fantastic but ever so challenging three girls. they know that on my best day i still struggle with so many things. and instead of measuring themselves by my worth or image (or lack there of), they come alongside and offer support. they encourage. they sit at the kitchen counter with a pot of coffee (or a bottle of wine) and cheer you on towards your best version of yourself.

moving here in at the beginning of this personal momma crisis has been interesting. i struggle with the fact that it feels like nobody will ever think that i have it together. i struggle with the reality that the days when i was super mom (ha! a girl can pretend, right?) are long gone and the only thing left is a momma that is barely holding on. but it's been interesting. do you know what i've discovered? i've discovered that when you show your real self up front, right off the bat, you find those that are willing to do the same. community shows up. it's real. it's valuable. it's what sustains me. and for that, i am thankful. especially on "those days"- the ones with mommy induced add and all.