camp woebegone

kids.  who knew that they would change us in the many ways that they do.

not i.

i knew things would change, but i didn't know how connected they would be to my heart.

three years ago, i sent my eldest daughter to sleep away camp with our church.  it was a lovely experience in every way.  she went with some friends from church- not super close friends- but people she knew, and had a fantastical time.  she came home tired, with smiles and memories, independence and a personal triumph of conquering seven days on her own.

i was beaming from the heart out.  as a mother, we long for our children to have positive experiences and long for them to get to experience their "best day ever".  my girl rocked that out for a week in the santa cruz mountains and came home changed.

i need to back up for a minute.  and i feel compelled to defend a little of what i am about to say.  i am not a "woah is me girl".  i have rocked out lots of trials in my lifetime and take them head on.  in fact, i have learned that this is me and this is the girl i crave for my girls to be.  we ARE NOT victims and we ARE NOT weak.  strong has always had to be my middle name and i long for strong to be theirs.

but the reality is that my girl e, she tends to get the "short end of the stick".  utopia has never been her story.  fairytale land has never worked out for her.  we moved her on the third week of what would have been preschool in illinois but was kindy in cali.  we didn't know better so we put girlfriend in kindy- because we are rule followers and we role like that.  had we knows that most people do the "optional hold back", we might have considered it.  we didn't know.  our first grade teacher was out for half of the year.  we moved homes that year but didn't get a spot in our neighborhood school.  we commuted.  in second grade, the special program we were accepted into was shut down.  buh bye discovery program.  we would love to rock out whatever you have in store for us.  third grade brought 4 months of a teacher out on medical leave and a huge principal scandal.

with each of these changes, i watched my girl put walls up around her heart.  while she has always been smart, funny and likable, she built up these external barriers to protect her heart from hurt.  losing people, moving, and adjusting to change disrupted her need for routine and stability.  with each disruption, her heart detached bit by bit and i watched insecurity grow within her.  i watched guardedness build up around her.  i watched a need to protect herself by being less outgoing develop barriers.  and with each step, momma guilt grew.  i could not protect her from any of this.  

and then came fourth grade.  while we were in interim land with our school leadership, girlfriend had a solid year.  while we have loved all of our teachers, this year was a smidge different.  in fourth grade, we rocked out consistentsy right to the finish.  we had an amazing teacher, developing friendships and all sorts of highs.  good.  good.  cherry on top. good.

first day of fifth grade, we found out that her teacher had quit (or been run out of the school based on the principal scandal... or something).  either way, we rocked out a month without a permanent teacher.  e came to me and shrugged, "mom.  this stuff always happens to ME.  i don't know why but i always get handed the worst." and momma was flipping fed up.  over it.  not having it.

sick.

of.

the.

messages.

being.

written.

on.

her.

heart.

and there was nothing in the world that i could do.  nada.  zilch.  nuncio.

and so, again, we rolled with it.  and in the rolling we encountered the best thing that could ever happen to my e.  we waited and waited and waited and then got a rockstar teacher who filled my girls cup and developed a sense of self-worth and told her she was funny and let her be HER and validated her goodness and squashed her doubt and filled her up buttercup.

and then came summer camp.  we sent muffin to camp 3.5 hours away with our church where filled up buttercup developed an ear infection on day one.  first time in her life.  for reals.  my girl rocked out her first ear infection and her first stint on antibiotics in ELEVEN YEARS...  at camp...  under the supervision of the best doctor this side of the mississippi a random stranger who or may not have been to med school.   without her mother.  and girlfriend chose to stay.  we thought for sure that she would need a 3.5 hour pickup (and in fact, i was in favor of this), but she didn't.  she wanted to rock out camp.  and so she did.  she spent seven days away from her peeps on meds with a fever- not being allowed to participate in any water activities.  for most of the week, she sat on the sidelines and watched her friends play and frolic and enjoy camp life IN THE WATER.  she could not.

and she NAILED it.

i have never been so sad for my girl.  i have never wanted to rescue her so much.  and yet, i also was keenly aware of the pride that i felt in girlfriend channeling strong and rocking out an "i got this" attitude... even when it sucked.  life gives us a lot of that and we get to choose how we handle it.  do we bail or do we conquer.  i love the human that conquers.

my girl did that.

come spring this year, camp sign up was happening.  i was darn near certain that baby girl e would say a very simple, "no thanks", "been there done that no bueno", "camp is cool but i can't do that again".

but she didn't.

girlfriend was a huge, "fo shizzle, i am going again!  i need to redeem last year!"

right on girlie.  strong and determined is where it is at!

and then today...

i went to camp registration where 9 of her peeps were waiting to board a bus and all nine were assigned to cabin "A" and my girl (the one who i fear always gets the short stick) was assigned cabin "G".

and she broke down.

and she didn't want to go and she looked at me with crocodile tears and said, "mom, i can't do it."  "i can't go to camp and be alone again."

and at the risk of loosing bank, i supported her.  she was worried that i would be mad about loosing the money we had spent.  in that moment i realized that i have projected strength onto her- and that sometimes she just isn't feeling it.  and momma guilt set in.  i wanted to put baby girl into the car and drive away.

instead...

i went to the head of the head of the head and pleaded my case- "please for the love of pete, put baby girl in a group with her peeps."

after some arm twisting the camp peeps that be agreed to make a switch when she arrived at camp.  baby girl agreed to get on the bus.  she had tears in her eyes when i put her on the bus.  all her peeps were already situated on the bus with their friends and their was only room for her towards the back.  alone.

my heart broke.  but she stayed on the bus and resolved that it would be ok.  she was going to rock out this week.  provided that she was actually switched (which i currently have no control over).

and so tonight i write...  and with the writing i simply ask you to pray.

pray that my girl has an AMAZING week.

pray that she has new messages written on her heart.

pray that she is healthy.

pray that she has THE BEST TIME OF HER LIFE.

i sit at home tonight stalking the camp website looking for snaps of my smiley happy girl, but haven't seen one yet.

and my momma heart breaks because her story has not told her how wonderful she is.

and yet...

i believe in a GOD who has a plan to make her story unfold in a way that reveals her amazing.

she really is amazing.

and as i am slightly heartbroken and sad for what was supposed to be redemption week of rocking out strength, i know that God has a plan for her.

and that thought takes me to so many places.

sometimes we have to walk through a whole lot of messages to get to the message that really sticks.  sometimes we have to walk through a whole lot of trials to get to the joy.  sometimes the joy comes after the morning.

this life does not promise us rainbows and unicorns.  it just does not.  but if we look for it, we get them anyways.  they don't come easily, and often, they are found after many sorrows and disappointments and unfulfilled plans.

sometimes we don't even recognize them at first.  they show up and we don't even notice.

and so tonight, as i sit back praying for my girl to have a good week, i find myself also praying that better than this week is a life that is filled with awareness.  i pray that as she walks through each day of her life she sees the people in her path that need smiles, encouragement, hope, self-worth and love and reassurance...

and gives that to them without reserve.  all the while being strong, fierce and passionately in love with jesus. because at the end of the day, that dude is the only one that matters.  living like Him... is the only way.  it's often the hardest thing one can do, but it is the best way to live.

and i pray that he guard goes down and her love goes out.  her self worth doesn't rest in what happens to her but in who she puts her trust in...  and i beg that walls don't build because they don't protect us ever.  they simply inhibit out ability to penetrate the world around us.  and my girl...  she's got a whole lot of good to give.