Popsie

this girl!  my sweet p!  she has kissed 4 goodbye and is running full throttle into 5.  how in the world did that happen?  

4 has been such a fun year with my popsie!  it has been a year of watching her come into herself in so many beautiful ways.

i was putting together some pictures for this post and just couldn't choose.  my heart is nostalgic as this little birdie is changing from baby to girl way too fast!

many months back, pops walked into my room in the morning.  i was still sound asleep.  she stood next to my face (like right there!) and declared, "momma!  i want to sing you a song."

i was asleep, mind you, so it took a few moments to open my eyes and register what was going on.  she repeated her intentions.  when i finally got on her page and realized that it was time to open my eyes, i asked her to sing.

"wait, mom.  i need to crawl up in your bed and sing it in your ear.  i want to be close to you!"

and with that she climbed up on the bed, curled up next to me with her sweet little mouth a few inches from my ear.  

and she began to sing in the sweetest, softest voice.

a little bit of love goes a long, long way.  a little bit of love goes a long, long way!

over the sea of galilee there gathered a big crowd.  

the food ran out without a doubt and the boy said out loud.  

i'll share my 2 fish and my five loaves of bread.  

so jesus took them in his hand and the multitudes were fed.

a little bit of love goes a long, long way.

a little bit of love goes a long, long, way.

oooo oooo

a little bit of love.

and then she kissed me on the forehead and hopped down off the bed.  "come on, mom.  it's time to get up."

and my heart nearly burst with love for this girl, once again.  

later in the day, when she will willing to divulge more information, she informed me that she had learned the song at school.  

having been a sunday school attendee since birth, i was slightly shocked that this song existed and that i had never heard it before...  but i think that made it even more special.  it was her song.

and for the better part of the year, she has shared that song with me (and countless others) at random. the song is a perfect match for my sweet p.  one of the brightest parts of penelope is her heart.  it FEELS.  she has a keen sense of the hearts around her and at just the right moments, the moments when you need it the most, she gives you a dose of love.  her love is always pure and without restraint.  it is a healing love.  it is a sincere love.  it is filled with compassion and it is flawlessly timed.

and it is the perfect balance to so many OTHER parts of poppy...  (giggle)

this girl has taken my parenting patience to a whole new level.  she tests me and pushes me and challenges me.  she makes me pull lose my mind and then she brings it right back to this...

a little bit of love.

at five, she is still rocking her uggs.

her favorite food is dessert.

she has added apple slices to her "acceptable cuisine" list- making it THE ONLY fruit that girlie will eat.  sigh.  she has also added carrots and ranch to her very small list of vegetables that she will nibble (topping the list are roasted broccoli and asparagus).  her favorite book is vader's little princess (yup.  a star wars story).

she sneaks the ipad whenever momma is distracted and maxes out her screen time daily.  double sigh.  she loves playing with her sisters, alone time with mom or dad, and cuddles.  she makes friends easily but can also play by herself with full contentment.  she is sarcastic, emotional and slightly sassy.

she still hides behind my leg when addressed by someone new, but sheds her "shy" quickly.  she likes art projects and being read books.  she loves swimming and has taught herself freestyle and backstroke while watching her sisters swim this season.  she also taught herself to dive.  she is determined and independent at times, and then there are the moments when she pulls out the "baby of the family" card and does the exact opposite.

and she is funny.  really, really funny.  she has got some one liners that will move you to full belly laugh in a heartbeat.  and she knows comedic timing.  she lets her sillies fly at just the right moments.

happy birthday, penelope!  

yup.  that's a christmas dress.  the top is velvet.  she wore it to the fireworks.  in july.

with her uggs...  because?...  well, that's easy.  because she's poppy and THAT is exactly how she rolls.  

i know what you did last summer

several years ago i was putting dishes into the dishwasher and trying to tidy the kitchen while my youngest was supposed to be finishing her dinner.  ever the terrible eater, this became the routine.  i was paying her no mind after giving her the directive of, "you need to eat two bites of chicken and finish your veggie puffs."

yup.  you read that right.  i wasn't even demanding that girlie eat ACTUAL vegetables.  i was merely asking her to eat a Cheetos-like puff that was allegedly constructed from veggies.

and then i went about my business of cleaning up after dinner.  as i did so, PAYING NO MIND to girlie, i overheard her (and witnessed with my very own eyes), the following:

she lifted up the front side of her plate and pushed every single veggie puff under the plate.  the front half of the plate was about 2 inches higher than the back side at this point.  she then, forgetting that i was RIGHT THERE, whispered to the veggie puffs, "you guys hide right there!"

she then shoved the chicken into her mouth and told me that she was finished.

having witnessed the ENTIRE SCENE, i had a choice.

a.)  i could laugh my head off (because it was REALLY funny)

b.)  ask girlie if she was finished with what i had asked her to eat

c.)  let her in on the fact that what she was doing had been witnessed by me and that it was totally unacceptable.

option "A" felt like what I REALLY wanted to do.  it was hysterical that she was whispering to puffs and hiding them under her plate.  but my gut told me that was fostering an appreciation for her sense of defiance (in spite of the fact that IT DID highlight her sense of humor).  option "B" felt like a trap.  i KNEW girlie didn't eat her veggie puffs.  i saw what she had done with them with my own eyes. this was a bad trap- one where my question would lead my girl to lie.  not being a fan of lying, i knew that wasn't the choice for me.

i went with option "C".  it resulted in crying and discipline and a whole heap of "not so fun" parenting moments.  but in spite of the "yuk" that it brought forth in the short-term, it was the right choice.

the "puffs incident" was three years ago.  girlie is a few days shy of celebrating the big 5.

retrospect is an amazing thing.  you see, girlie has a tendency to shirk the truth and evade the immediate crisis.  she loves to play "hide-and-seek" if it will eliminate or  post-pone consequence.

i've been guilty of that myself.

i've been thinking about it a lot lately.  don't we all?  maybe just at times?  avoiding the truth...  avoiding reality...  avoiding repercussion from our actions...  it sounds better in the moment.  it feels better in the decision making part of our brains.  in many senses it is logical.  duh.  who wouldn't want to defer pain to ourselves?  who wouldn't want to defer disappointment to others?  who wouldn't want to hide what is secret and private and unknown when the unknown is unfavorable or dishonest or negative?

in a few days i'm going to write about pops at 5.  i'll let that post be that post.

but today i am writing about something different.

i was listening to my favorite artist and a song stuck me and triggered all of the thoughts in THIS post.

it's titled "if we're honest"

truth is harder than a lie
the dark seems safer than the light
and everyone has a heart that loves to hide
i'm a mess and so are you
we've built walls nobody can get through
yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do...

bring your brokenness and i'll bring mine
'cause love can heal what hurt divides
and mercy's waiting on the the other side'

and as i listen to the lyrics, as i think about myself and my kids and my past...  i know this is true.
i hate lying... now.

but it used to be my go-to reaction.  ick.  i don't want to tell you that.  that sucks.  it makes me look crappy and feel gross.

but it's totally true.

i lied to my mom when i was four about drawing on the wall and writing my name inside of my artwork.  she asked if i did it.  "no" was such an easy answer to roll off of my tongue.

i lied to my high school spanish teacher.  she knew that there was no way i could have written such a stellar research paper.  she asked if i wrote it.  and i sort of did.  i told my friend susan what to write...  i told her in english.  she wrote it in spanish.  not really a lie, right?  my spanish teacher just failed to ask the right question.  not MY fault!

and then something happened.  as i grew, as i realized that lies hurt and lies destroy and lies challenge your credibility, and i began to value truth.

it's all i have.  no matter how painful.  no matter how ugly.  no matter how REAL...  truth matters.  authenticity matters.  lies break down.  truth...  in some strange way...  unites, connects, heals...  it brings value to anything.  even ugly things.

true authenticity is becoming less of the norm and suddenly i find myself seeking it more.

i like the woman who brings truth to the table.  i find her easier to be around.  in spite of the ugly (we all have UGLY), she makes the most sense to me...  because i get her REAL self.  her honesty is welcome in my heart...  i like the person that reveals ALL that she is.  i respect the human that unveils  the deepest and darkest parts of their heart...  their soul...  their background.  it doesn't make me love them less.  it makes me love them more.  much, much more.

don't pretend to be something that you're not
living life afraid of getting caught
there is freedom found when we lay our secrets down...

but the truth is...  that isn't always the case.  even though i, (tasha), may love it and respect it and value it...  truth...  the rest of the world doesn't always.  hidden is sort of a taught behavior.  revealing our true selves isn't always appreciated and respected by "the norm".

but then comes this lyric.  it gets me every time.  because it is true...

...at the cross, at the cross

bring your brokenness, and i'll bring mine
'cause love (God IS Love) can heal what hurt divides
and mercy's waiting on the other side
if we're honest
if we're honest

it would change our lives
it would set us free
it's what we need to be

if we're honest...

and truth melts me and cripples me and brings me to my knees...  God, knows ALL of my crap already.  He knows my insecurities, my lies of elevation, my stories that help me fit in and my stories that i hide.  He knows the whole gig... the entire scene...  the hidden, the embellished, the boasted and the twisted...

and He longs to set us free.

"you guys hide right here"...

it is the beginning of a life that could be hidden...  but it doesn't have to be.  and the freedom that comes from letting "it" be illuminated...  oh man!  what God can do with THAT!!!

and as for me...  in this moment, i am celebrating the women, the people that share with me their truth...  no matter how hard to digest.  i love the friends that i have been surrounded with that lay it all out.

it's true.  THAT friendship can often feel more challenging and vulnerable.  but those are the friendships that I WANT to be a part of.

and as for my girls (because that's what this blog is really about)...  i love your truth!  even when it is hard.  even when it is ugly.  even when it is out of my comprehension.  and the friends that they are making...  oh, my heart sores...  when they get to grapple with the truth of their peers.

truth is much easier to deal with than lies and pseudo-personalities and misconceptions.  there is ALWAYS a way to love a human that is REAL.  THAT love can be hard, for sure.  but it is pure and rich and worth everything.


it really, truly, can set us free.

oh, and mercy...  it is rich and pure and lovely.

check out the link below.  i hope you love it as much as i do.

If We're Honest by Francesca Battistelli

Winner, winner, Chicken Dinner!

tonight is a post about reflection.  it is about truth.  it is about meaning.  and purpose.  and value and who YOU are.  and who you are not.

it is real.  and tough and straightforward.  it is honest.  it is raw.  it is harsh.

are you ready?

in the motherhood there is not one winner.

after a solid 18 years you will not get asked to stand on the podium and claim your gold medal.  you won't be offered a silver or a bronze, either.  in fact, feeling that you deserve a medal will feel conceited and self-righteous, dishonest and convoluted.

we are all (or the better majority of us), deserving of the gold.

it's true.  i do not tell a lie.

i remember when i first took steps into this motherhood journey i thought that the gold  an awesome mom was wrapped up in natural childbirth, breastfeeding and minimizing carcinogens.  i'm not kidding.  i totally thought that i was a rock star if my e had natural medicine, organic "first-foods" and milk made from me (which was produced by organic food, no bpa's and minimized anything that was synthetic).

i kid you not!

and what a ride of disappointment i was in for?!!

natural childbirth with e = epic fail!

sleep training = oh no you didn't!

breast feeding = mastitis squared.

and then d came along...

natural childbirth = "i got this!"
sleep training = rockin' it!
breast feeding = holla!

oh wait....  she has food allergies and rashes and antibiotics galore.  do i get some kind of honorable mention for seeing a naturopath for her allergies?  i mean, i switched to 365 diapers from whole foods!  that has got to cancel out something!

and then there was p...

natural childbirth...  totally!  but it sucked and hurt and almost was the death of me.  worth it?  i...  think?  i mean....  absolutely?

sleep training...  we got her out of our bed by age 4 so we rocked THAT????!!!  and she had colic and crying and a need to sleep with mom for at least 3 years prior...  and most of my wrinkles are because i was sleep deprived for the better part of nine years.

and she totally rocked the boob.  she did!

but at the age of 6 she eats a total of zero fruits.  oh, wait.  she eats granny smith apple slivers if cut by mom on a tuesday with the correct knife.  and she loves vegetables!  and by that i mean, she will eat broccoli, asparagus stems (but not tips) and carrots dipped in ranch (thank you ms. kristin!).

totally up for mom of the year.  think no further about who might win the gold.  hands down- it is me!...  or maybe you...  or really none of us...  because you know your kid hates asparagus, and beef and milk....  she has was birthed by c-section and she can't (fill-in-the-blank).

eleven years into this parenthood gig, i laugh at my former self.  what a joke!  if i had known about the tween years i would have given myself a high-five for just birthing a baby...  or even something living!  if i had pushed out a goldfish, that would have been reason enough to be proud!

but i didn't.  i birthed a real, live, wonderful, girl.  three times, in fact.  they are complicated and sweet.  they are opinionated and funny.  they are creative, amazing... and exhausting.

and every day of their lives is a gold medal moment.

last year my sisters dropped off her eldest, my maxi, at west point.

he had a cord wrapped around his neck...  traumatic birth!

he nursed like a champ.

he needed back scratches in order to sleep for the better part of his first year.  and second year.  and third year....

he rocked the golf course.

he struggled with the potty business.

and now, he attends WEST POINT...  where he plays FOOTBALL.  my sister wins the gold.  for sure!

my other sister had a baby weeks and weeks early.

he needed breathing treatments for months.

he was little and slightly behind developmentally.

for several years.

this year he is a frosh at taylor university, with scholarships, rocking out his faith while he plays football for his school.  he is an academic champ.  he is amazing with small children.  he can hold his own in an adult conversation.

gold medal momma?  for sure!  my sister gets to own that!

from the sidelines i can see their successes.  but in the trenches, i'm not sure they always felt like gold medal mommas.  from day one, they parented the best they knew how, with God as their guide.  one step in front of the other, not always feeling like rockstars, but aiming for the best with each pass that life handed them.

and moral of the story is this:  at the end of the day, there is not a gold medal.  do the best you can.  rock whatever you feel led to rock in the motherhood.  teach morals.  teach values.  teach boys to be boys with honor.  teach girls to be girls with grace.  teach your boys be gracious.  teach your girls be honorable.

i look at those in my circle regularly.  there is the momma that works full-time and leaves her babes in the hands of someone she has carefully chosen and she is rockin' the motherhood.  gold medal winner!

there is the momma rockin' the full time gig with her kiddos in aftercare at the local school- gold medal winner!

there is the part-time momma, the pocket-book expanding momma, the lean-pocket momma, the traveling poppa momma, the single momma rockin' the motherhood, the no family in sight momma, the "it takes a village momma", the special circumstances momma, the twin momma, the...  fill in the blank...

and each one of them wins the gold.
visualize it.

stand on the podium in your mind!

listen to the anthem.  let the medal  be placed around your neck.  hold the flowers.

the motherhood is "no joke".  we each win this gig- for creativity, or perseverance, or best-in-show, or  "biggest obstacle overcome"... or whatever your title may be.

claim it.

own it.

and know that you are the "winner, winner, chicken dinner" of this motherhood gig.

it is hard.

it sucks from time to time.

it is never-ending.

and it it totally worth it...  even when it feels insane.

even when it feels pointless.

you are molding human beings.

they need you.

they love you.

and the direction you steer  them in maters.


final thoughts:
(and while you are in the motherhood race, it might be best if we cheer on our fellow teammates.  building up those around us, pouring into their motherhood and letting them pour into ours- it is a win for everyone.)

You've got to swim, baby, swim!

i wanted my girls to swim last season.  desperately.  but somehow the buser girls didn't make the team.  it wasn't because they couldn't swim it was because i was a day late.  literally.  i tried to sign them up and our team was full in a 24 hour time span.

i made it my mission to get them on the team this year.  a momma has got to do what a momma has got to do.  and let me say, it wasn't easy.  i asked questions of long-time swimmers to be met with peeps that had me to believe that if they didn't swim by age 4 their swim career was over.  O- VER!  part of me bought what those mommas were selling, but the realist in me decided that a nine year old and a six year old could not be counted out just yet.  i persisted.

on an anniversary night away, momma set the alarm clock and logged into the swim team registration at EXACTLY 12:01 on the given date and signed my two eldest babes up for the team.  we would not be counted out.

and yet i must admit, I wasn't totally sure that I wanted IN.

we have been swimming since march and i was hooked from week one.  coach brett and coach jen hooked me from day one.  they made a huge point to KNOW my girls.  coach brett figured out both of them from the get-go.  he knew that d liked jokes and smiles and that e liked competition.  he knew that d would push herself against her peers but that e would push herself against her sister.  he knew when to lie low and when to push hard.

week one, d could swim a few strokes but her butterfly was lacking.  girlie could barely make it across the pool.

her back stoke was lacking and she didn't use her push off to gain distance.

and her two-hand touch often was her demise.

but he never gave up on my girls.  and my heart was happy because they were happy.  meet after meet.  they loved it!

and he knew me.

he talked to me poolside and showed me that it wasn't today that mattered but the long term swimmers in each of them.  when they succeeded he celebrated.  when they needed encouragement, he met that need.  when they needed space, he gave it.  my e hated going off the block, coach jen found small accomplishments and pushed her towards the next one.

and today, on our last meet, my e went off the block for every race!

they pursued their personal bests and they valued being part of this great team.  and if i hadn't been so consumed in getting each girlie into line for each race, i would have cried!  i loved watching them excel.  i loved watching them make friends.  i loved watching them cheer on their peers.  i loved getting to hang with my own peers.  i even loved my job (where i got to meet swimmers from each age group and learn what made them tick).

and even pops, who didn't swim this year, found joy in each meet!  she made friends and she learned what being a dolphin means- camaraderie!

we didn't have a first place banner year, but we did have a year of amazing.  i am in awe.  i am proud. i am thankful and amazed and slightly sunburned from the past 5 months.

our swim career is clearly NOT over.  it has JUST BEGUN.

go dolphins!