my 4th girlie

this girl.  and my girl.  they make my heart happy.

 i have to write about this now, because i don't think that my heart can handle it two weeks out.  i just can't.

but these two were in a 2nd/3rd split class three years ago and they have been besties ever since.  i wish i could accurately describe their friendship to you, but i am not sure i even know where to begin.  they are two peas in one pod...  a sometimes strange pod...  (giggle)...  but one pod.

they play games with these imaginary hand puppets that they call "bear" and "jaguar" and use these voices to talk to each other through above mentioned characters.  it is adorable, slightly annoying and incredibly creative.  they build houses for their american girl dolls out of recyclables and take over the better portion of available floor space in their bedrooms with said materials.  they don't like dresses, or pink, or fashion, or anything that is "too girly".

about a year ago, i offered them each a blank book that i had left over from my mother's group.  they happily took them and put their heads together as to how to make the best use of them.  it didn't take long for them to begin journaling together.  often, they can be found sitting on e's bed with their books in hand, writing stories together, or creating pictorials of the happenings of their day.  i mean really, when two besties engage in collaborative story writing???  how does a momma not LOVE that?  (she does!)

they adopt one another's "likes" and if it is too far of a stretch to turn their besties likes into personal faves, they develop a respect for it at the very least.  they "like" bacon, taylor swift, making green screen stop motion movies, swimming, perusing items to buy (when they have enough $) on ebay, surfing, bethany hamilton, their dads, bunnies, mermaids, and frozen yogurt.

they went through a fairy hunting phase, a gymnastics practice phase, a moshi-monster phase, a movie star planet craze, and various other extensions of play.  when they are together e's happiest of happy emerges.  her smile is bigger.  her eyes are brighter and her confidence is maximized.  they giggle together.  they problem solve together.  hand in hand, they are sorting out friendships, personal challenges, growing from littles into bigs, boys (gasp), and every other aspect of this crazy thing called life.

watching it has been precious.

they are the type of girls that don't need (or really want) to be part of the big clique.  they are a 1:1 sort of peep - as long as they have each other they are perfectly fine.  and while this has had its challenges (being in different grades and all), it is truly what they prefer.  they try to venture out, and each of them does have friendships outside of one another, but together is how they long to be.

and next year that reality will change.  norah will go off to middle school and e will stay where she is now.  i miss seeing them walk out of school together each day already.  and yet this is a very real part of growing up.  i know they will remain dear friends, but my heart hurts as i anticipate the change that they are about to go through.  and at the same time, i feel a peace and calm knowing that they will help each other navigate this transition.  while it sort of feels "bad" knowing how hard it could be on them, it also feels very good that they will be by one another's side as they grow wings.  i know they will both grow wings.  i know that their friendship will change a bit.  and i believe it will be good for both of them to learn to navigate life separately just as much as it has been good for them to navigate life together.

and even as i write this, i anticipate standing on the other side of the door listening to them on a future sleepover as they discuss their new school years and describe their school situations to one another.

but that is a few months down the road...  for now, i will rest in summer and playdates (hang time as they call it...  littles growing into bigs...  changing their vernacular to suit their maturity) and sleepovers and ice cream and just watching them be besties together.

...i will watch them skip off to the car hand in hand to go to the pool with norah's mother and smile because i know that together they are in their happy place.  and what more could a mother want for her eldest girlie?

she's everywhere i look

"wellsville, wellsville, here we come!  right back where we started from.  open up those pearly gates.  here we come!"

those are the lyrics to the song my family would sing every time that we drove to visit my grandparents when i was a child.  when the song concluded we would all play a silly guessing game of where we thought grandma lived.  someone would guess the salvation army dumpster.  someone else would guess inside the high school.  another person would guess that she lived behind a certain car on main street.  and then we would all shout as we REALLY saw her home.  

"i saw grandma's house first!"

we went through this ritual each and every time we visited her.  and it never grew old.  it was a tradition that we lived for.

the car would roll into the circular driveway in front of their beautiful home and we would all scramble from the car to run through the front door and into the arms of our beloved grandparents.

the memory, which hasn't been repeated in years, is still fresh in my mind.  i can hear the sound of their security system dinging the announcement of our arrival (as if the the sounds of shouting grandchildren wasn't enough).  i can smell the fragrance of their home and see the lighting in my eyes.  i know the placement of the furniture.  it is still crystal clear in my mind.

my dearest gram took her last breath back in february.  i was blessed to have her in my life for much longer than i could have expected.  she lived a beautiful 94 years.  i miss her every day. i think of her poise and her smile.  i miss the softness of her aged skin and the laughter in her voice.  i miss the deep blue of her eyes.  she was the jackie-o of grandmothers.  intelligent, coifed, thoughtful, funny, beautiful and filled with wisdom.  she didn't let life meander and pass her by.  she took it by storm- carving out her way and living each and every day to the fullest.  she was intentional as a mother, grandmother, friend, neighbor and human being- always looking for the way to put her stamp on things and be present.

and as i reflect on her life and our shared experiences, my heart is full.  there isn't a moment of my life that she didn't touch and didn't presence herself in with meaning and light.

there are so many days when i want to pick up the phone and press her speed-dial number to say "hello".  but that is no longer a reality.  

i was thinking about her and wishing i could call her last sunday on "mother's day".  it was a natural thing to do on that day for me, and my heart was sad.  as i sat in that moment for a bit, i realized how lucky i am.  she is everywhere i look.  

i think grandma lives...

on the top of my piano in a photo taken with my sisters, step-mom, and aunties from a cherished weekend we had several years ago- reaching her hands into the heavens.

she lives in an obscure painting on my living room wall and in a special chair that came from her antique shop- both of which were delivered to california to me by family members who never could have known what they would mean to me now.  i sit in that chair from time to time and look up at that odd painting- filled with memories of times spent in my grandmother's "enchanted castle" (her loving home).

she resides in my umbrella stand...

and in the hairbrush set of my guest room...

and so many...  SO MANY other places.  i see her every time i turn around and feel her loving memories in my soul.  i miss her terribly.

most of all, i think grandma lives in my heart.  and in that place- i can still feel her and the natural reaction is to smile at the greatness she left within me.  

mr. toad's wild ride

i have told this story a billion times in a billion different ways to multitudes of peeps.  if you have heard it before, i apologize.  i also promise that this version has an added twist.  it might be worthy of a read.

when i first moved to p-town, i joined mops from the jump.  my first session was attended while we were still living in a hotel and waiting for our moving truck to make the journey across the country.  it was on, like, day three of my new life.  it also happened to be the first time that i felt peace over the course of the journey.

as i settled into that chair around the table with other mommas, i was washed over with this feeling of comfort and peace.  pops was in the baby sling strapped to my chest and d and e were in the kid program.  as i sipped coffee and exchanged conversation with this new group of women, i felt a wave of rest wash over me.  it was an "it is well with my soul" moment where i claimed confidently that we were going to be ok.  for the first time in months i was able to exhale and truly believe that california was going to turn out alright.

mops operates on a bi-weekly schedule and after two weeks had passed i was eager to get back to that table and anticipated that i might feel a sweep of that feeling of calm once again.  (those first few weeks didn't hold many moments of calm in the day-to-day and so i was hopeful it might happen again.  a momma can always hope, right?)

the second meeting of the mops group was met with a speaker from a local preschool talking about discipline in the motherhood and how to best show love to these babies of ours while walk through the toddler years.  she was a very good speaker, but if i am honest, the topic wasn't one that i needed much coaching in. not because i've got "mom of a preschooler" nailed, but i was longing for fuel for my soul and some form of a distraction from the crazy life of "mom of a preschooler". (but boy, could i use her now in the pre-teen years!)  but there was something about those moments as i listened to her talk.  i kept feeling this draw to her and a nudge on my heart to know her more.  at the end of the session she passed out a brochure for the preschool where she was director, answered some questions, prayed for the mommas in the room and left.  the brochure felt heavy in my hands and i was sure in that moment that God was telling me that this is where my babes were to go to preschool when the time approached for d and p.  i tucked it in my purse, prayed a bit for clarity, felt a firm confirmation in my heart and went on with my day.

upon arriving home, i tucked the brochure into a file folder labeled "delaney", knowing that when the time came i would check it out.

almost 15 months later, i pulled out that file folder to find the name of the school that i had felt God confirm in my heart as the place for my babes.  i immediately googled the school and examined the curriculum.  great.  it was play based.  and a co-o.  not exactly the direction i had planned on taking.  what to do?  what to do?

a new friend of mine was also planning on signing up at the same school.  we made plans to carpool together and sent each other reminders about dates for registration packets, medical forms etc.  what had felt good, and then felt bad, began to feel good again.  i liked the idea that our girls would go together.

but in the weeks that passed before making a final commitment, the internet kept calling my name.  i began to google local preschools and scrutinize their programs.  several non-play based, academic curriculum schools kept calling my name.  and just as soon as i would set up an interview, God would shut it down.  conviction would sweep my heart and i would cancel the tour.

i signed d up for the play based, co-op school that went against my internal curriculum driven grain.

i wish i could say that i did it with confidence and joy, but that isn't so.  it was more of a, "ok, God.  but you better rock this out and make it fab.  because this isn't looking fab right now...  are you sure this is what you want?  i mean, did you see the reading program at preschool y?  you know i have a degree in elementary education, right?..."  (ok- i might have taken some creative liberties in that little chat with God, but you get my point.  i wasn't "all in".)

somewhere over the course of the summer, my carpool gal and friend announced she had pulled her kids and was sending them to another school.  she didn't offer any explanation and it rocked my world a bit.  my head swirled with doubt and i felt very "left behind".  all the images that i had placed my hope in for these girlies vanished without having any real understanding.  i was hurt, for sure.  but mostly, i was envious.  so many times, i had wanted to do the same.  i wanted to pull the plug on this school and run in the exact opposite direction.  but i knew that i couldn't...  because while i wasn't showing the joy that i know God desires to see in me, i knew that obedience was of the utmost importance.

and when september rolled around, my d marched her way into mrs. christina's classroom and didn't skip a beat.  at the end of the first week they gave d her very own bible and she came home and wanted to sleep with it.  it meant the world to her.  week after week, she would ask me to read the passages to her that she had learned in class.  and then came chapel day.  i had no idea!  but once a month the director, the miss kelly from that second mops meeting would lead the kids in worship songs and do silly things all in the name of writing Jesus on their hearts.  she taught them how to pray and how to be a friend of this sometimes hard to follow invisible God.  she equipped them and filled their tool box with all the skills they will need to know as they navigate this great gift of life- right from the only true source of life.  i know the chapel days were for the kids, but session after session i found that her words were really just as profound to me.  and often i would walk out of that sanctuary with a full heart and tears in my eyes because while i had doubted this was exactly what our little family needed.

who knew that this preschool experience would impact them so much?  not i.  but who could have even guessed that it was also God's plan for me?  over and over i was in awe.  over and over i was in disbelief.  and it was another stamp on my life of the message that God has got this!  my plan always pales so much in comparison to His plan.  my ideas of good always fall so very short from where His idea of good will extend to.

i will admit that there were moments where i cringed along the way.  mostly, those moments were during the year of two in preschool.  dropping off the tuition check always hurt a bit and the co-op schedule of two kiddos was exhausting.  really it was.  e went to kindy a full reading machine- d did not.  but i can say that at the end of the first year of public school, d is right on par reading away and on target for academic success.  as i watched it unfold i could exhale because that play based curriculum didn't limit her or put her at a disadvantage as i had feared.  in fact, it gave her confidence and social skills that have served her well.

our year with mrs. holly was over the top amazing.  p's time with mrs. cheryl and her little friends, perfect in every way for her.  and then this year pulled into the station.  ms. kristin- the teacher that people all over town have asked me if we have had.  she has a fan base- people talk about her faith, her smile, her patience, her creativity and her sense of humor.  apparently she was a rockstar in every way.  and our number had finally come to experience this teacher.

and very little could have prepared me for mr. toad's wild ride the fabulous miss k's WILD RIDE!  it has been a blast!  she takes everything that is already good and fabulous and great about this school and blows it up larger than you could ever imagine.

her love for Jesus- out of this world!  her ability to model kindness, love, compassion, hope and the promise of heaven- off the charts.  the girl can sing. (watch out francesca!)  she takes project time to a whole new level.  has been known to teach the preschoolers some slightly inappropriate camp songs...  jk- they are totally appropriate...  and totally hilarious.  and fills each and every day with laughter and crazy miss k LOVE.

and the girl has nailed sarcasm.  the good funny way that makes co-op days HEEE-Larious!  and pops is all over peeps that use sarcasm. if sarcasm was a love language, it would be the way to p's heart. pops loved miss k from jump street.  and momma found a new friend.  over the course of the year, this crazy preschool teacher became my love too.  the year may be winding down, but this friendship between crazy miss k and p's momma has nearly just begun.

and so today, on my last co-op day ever, my heart was filled with mixed emotions.  sadness.  check.  happiness to spend a day in the most joy filled preschool classroom ever.  check.  elation that my days as a preschool co-op momma are finally over coming to a sad close.  check.  but also because of what it speaks to my heart about God.  i've said it before.  i'll say it again.

He's totally got this.  His plan will blow your mind and He has filled our last three years of my time as a preschool momma with so much amazing it blows my mind.  it was a day to celebrate indeed.

(disclaimer:  we did not ACTUALLY celebrate today, in the classroom, while the fabulous miss k was watching littles.  however, THAT really would have been a wild ride.  but i did want miss k to know that we celebrate her and that she was exactly where God called her to be at this moment in time.)

and because miss k loves the hashtag...

#peaceoutpreschoolthismommasgraduating

#terrified

#canmisskcomewithme

#ineedmrskellyforalifecoach