if you are just tuning in, you might want to catch up here.
ok. now on to part deux.
as per my usual, there is some history…
i marched into my first pregnancy a tightly wound, type A, read every book, interview three pediatricians, slightly obsessive, totally over the top… "that mom", as i prepared for my e. as i mentioned in part one, the expectations i had for that birth didn't really come to fruition… and neither did most of my other expectations concerning motherhood. i had a very clear visual of what i thought that motherhood and caring for a newborn was supposed to look like and when my charming e by day turned into non-stop colic baby by night i was a fish out of water. breastfeeding was a disaster. my formerly organized and always tidy house turned into piles of laundry, incomplete projects lying all over the place and unfinished "to do" lists littering my head. and then postpartum depression began to rock my world. as far as i understand postpartum issues, mine was a somewhat mild case but year one of e's life will forever be marked in my mind as a mental state of sadness. e was beautiful and adventurous and joyful. she checked all the milestone boxes early and i was smitten with her… but there was this other part of my brain that couldn't shake sadness. the funniest part of the whole thing was that all of the books i had addressed these issues-
colic… good luck.
breastfeeding issues… call a lactation specialist.
depression… call the doctor.
basically, after consulting the books over and over and visiting with the various specialists i realized that the the only conclusion was… i was screwed. not much was going to help with this all star line-up of symptoms. and hopelessness started to creep its ugly way into my head.
as i marched through my third pregnancy, i tried to process how i was going to get through that first year. when e blew out her candles on that first birthday cake, it was like a switch went on and the cloud of depression lifted and i felt joyful, happy and peaceful again… but it was a whole year later. i couldn't even begin to imagine living in that hopeless place once again. i knew i couldn't do that for another year… but did i have a choice in the matter? reading books and obsessing had not worked out well in pregnancy one, so i knew i had to try another avenue.
and the only avenue i could think of was to pray. i had to invite Jesus into this ordeal- i didn't want Him to just sustain me during the darkness of depression (although i knew He could), i wanted to be bold and ask Him to keep the cloud away. i wanted joy.
and so i rallied some praying mommas, i recruited my sister, and i daily got down on my knees (figuratively people- i was a big ol' preggers momma… there was no kneeling for me) and asked God to give me a different experience this time. i had been so angry with my body for not performing in my birth experience with e and i had felt like i had failed at childbirth and failed at sustenance and i just didn't want to live under that cloud anymore. i realized it wasn't true- a c-section or lactation issues are not failures. let's make that clear for a moment- those things do not make a momma a failure- but the depression plays tricks on the mind and no matter how i tried to look back on my first year with e, i could not get that cloud to lift.
this time, i got real with God and i laid it all out there. and as i let it fall to His feet and be lifted to His ears, i began to heal. my prayers turned to confession and i handed over my controlling nature and my need for expectations to be met and my "i got this covered" posture.
"yes, God! forgive me! i don't have ANYTHING covered. it is true that i CAN do all of this alone. but really, it left me feeling empty and alone and so very sad. come in! come into this experience with me. be in my birth story. be in the faces of the nurses and the midwife. be in the lactation and the sleep and the sleepless nights and the whole darn gig. don't leave me alone. be in the darkest corners with me and help me navigate this path." and as i prayed these things, as my mind digested all of this- i felt the fear lift from me and once again found hope taking up residence in my soul.
the day after christmas, i went into true labor. the snow was falling against the black of the night and i could barely tolerate the turns and bumps in the road. and as we traveled i just kept thinking about mary. how terrified she must have been!
we arrived at the hospital and less than an hour later i held my new (yet to be named) baby in my arms. she had come fast and the drugless pregnancy that i had hoped for had come to pass.
we had her in a birthing center and after the birth experience was over they swaddled her up and tucked scott and i into a big queen size bed, placing new babe in between us. and within minutes we were all sound asleep. i remember the nurse gently tapping me on the shoulder several hours later and telling me she needed to check my vitals but that she didn't want to stir the baby.
i was so groggy and confused. stir the baby? is she breathing? what time is it? how have i possibly been asleep for several hours? and this moment marked a new beginning.
for the next few days, weeks, and then eventually months i marched into motherhood wearing a new badge. sleep went well, feeding went well and the cloud of sadness did not take up residence in my head. life was not utopia- we had a new baby in the house, people- but it was joyful and manageable and it allowed me space to savor those newborn moments while finding joy in the helping hands of big sister. it was a beautiful time.
i realized that hope is about so much more than just "fingers crossed" or "wishing for the best"- it is about surrender and expectations, confession and forgiveness and most importantly, anticipation. and hope is not singular- it isn't something that you can walk through alone. hope is also relational.
and as i lived in those moments, i remember pausing often to give thanks. i was cognizant of the fact that but for me, this would not have been possible. however, it was clear that God was using each day, each smile, each answered prayer to teach me this deeper understanding of hope.
for me, hope had been delivered.
part 3/3 to come… stay tuned.
No comments:
Post a Comment