rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens

 these are a few of my favorite things from 2013…

beach days.  this is just one snap of many amazing days on various beaches that we have visited this year.  my heart is at its fullest when i can feel the ocean breeze and hear the sounds of the water.  i think my girls are a lot like their momma in this way as they tend to be at their best when frolicking in the water or building in the sand.

beginning an adventure with native gardening.  i know that sounds odd to make my "favorites of 2013" list, but it really is.  i started out knowing absolutely nothing.  nada.  zilch.  and slowly, i am beginning to know a tiny bit more.  i have enjoyed taking on this new territory of learning and enjoyed the process (with some wins and some losses) of starting to tend to the earth.  it makes me smile when i enter and exit our home and i look forward to continuing in this process.

watching d flourish in preschool and "graduate" to kindy.  she had an amazing year last year- in every way!  her friends at SLP were top notch, her teacher was one in a million and the learning that took place will hopefully stick with her for years to come as she walks forward in a relationship with God.  it's hard to believe that i now have two girlies in big-kid school!

these ladies- for so much more than a paragraph can explain.  love your girlies to the moon and back.

hiking with dad- the beach- a lighthouse- family adventures…  this picture is one of my favorites because it reminds me of so many good times with these crazies over the past year.  i love getting in the car and taking in a new scene.  love.  love.  love.

adventures with this girlie and a special day in pescadero- cheese, wine, coffee mugs, almost running out of gas (shhh- don't tell the hubs!) and being almost eaten by a goat.

family vacation in san diego.  love.  love.  love.  we've never been a vacation repeat kinda family- but this year we were.  and it was glorious.  i loved so many things about it!  and this guy- he's my gibraltar.

bethany hamilton and this 4th grade girlie….  enough said.

two snaps- one event…  a co-hosted favorite things party in my backyard.  planning, painting, crafting, cooking and then enjoying a backyard filled with some of the most wonderful ladies in pleasanton.  this was one of my favorite things from 2013.

running the golden gate bridge and a ten mile race.  i never knew i wanted to (it was NOT my idea), i never thought i could…  and doing it and meeting new people and enjoying the beauty of this place…  and did i say being able to run ten miles and never even thinking i had that in me and wanting to do it again when i was all finished because it was that exhilarating!

chicago with this crazy clan to celebrate my favorite laura and her nuptials.  we had the week of our lives- great time with great friends, yummy food, fabulous sights, relaxation, and a complete realization that we are right where we belong- in spite of how much i miss where we were.

celebrating this girl- a late night out, dancing, limos and the gift of friendship from someone who is an indescribable human and "auntie" to my girls.  she is awesome (and old…  giggle). blessed.  beyond.  measure.

happy new year!

i heard it through the grapevine

once upon a time, our bedtime routine sometimes looked like this.  i still giggle when i watch that video clip.

we haven't done it in quite some time.  a new tempurpedic mattress has sort of made the dancing less fun- no bounce and it feels a bit more like mud.

but it hasn't changed the buser family love for a broad range in musical exposure.  my girls like them all sorts of tunes- from bob marley to taylor swiss (as poppy's likes to say)- they like it all.  they pretend to have disdain for some of daddy's favorite tunes (i.e.. a few little ditties by pink floyd) and they aren't allowed to listen to all of the lyrics to some of momma's favorites…  which will go unmentioned since i am, after all, the author of this story.

last year for christmas, my d wanted a clock radio with a cd player built in.  in the spirit of giving her access to good tunes, i was all over this request.  one hello kitty alarm clock radio, coming right up!  yes, please.

when daddy got wind of this item being purchased he went to town.  apparently they had recently been on a beatles kick during saturday morning daddy/daughter time.  and so in the spirit of helping her pursue her interests, he made her a "mix tape" compilation of his favorite beatles tunes.  as momma filled the stockings on christmas eve, he came along and tucked his little gift to her into her sock.

she was delighted with the cd and even more delighted with the hello kitty alarm clock/cd player.  for the better part of the last year, she could be found drifting off to sleepy land listening to this compilation.  she fell in love with the beatles and she fell even more in love with her daddy.  i could see it in her eyes.  she loved that she had found a special way to connect with just him and that he had made her such a special gift.

this year, a few days before christmas, scott and i were discussing the things that remained to be done for christmas preparations.  scott mentioned, "and i have to make delaney a cd."

i paused.

"what do you mean, babe?"

"well, i need to download some new songs and make delaney another mix.  i'm thinking that i'm going to go with motown this year."

and so he did.

just like last year, he brought me the cd as i was filling the stockings and slipped into the top.  and tonight, my d is drifting off into neverland listening to the likes of marvin gaye, diana ross and the four tops.

and this momma is smiling at their adorable bond and a daddy who knows the way to show love to each of his girls…  including me.

hope (delivered)… 3/3

as i settle into this christmas eve, my heart is full.  i have three thriving babes- all with very different stories and experiences that helped to write hope for me on my heart.  i sit next to my sweet hubs and i get flutter belly (an expression i steal from my sister) thinking of how he built hope into me.  i look at cards of friends from my past and friends from my present…  experiencing and anticipating joy.  and it clicks for me…  hope builds and crescendos into joy…  even when it doesn't look the way that we expected.

as i have said, the birth of d got me feeling very connected to mary and thinking about mary and analyzing mary.

i have to imagine that a young girl who experienced a visit from an angel giving her the news that she was carry the son of man to term in her belly was a little…  hmmm…  what's the word?  terrified perplexed confused contemplating a visit to the loony bin…  hopeful?  i don't know if that is the word i would use, actually.  i mean, i imagine that as she experienced the telling of the news, she was joyful and felt very chosen…  but then i imagine that there were moments when she realized the full monty of the news that she didn't always want to be the chosen one to be the virgin mother of God.  as she felt the baby growing in her belly and she knew that she had not been with joseph, she must have felt hope and founds rest in the fact that she wasn't hallucinating an angel visit.  but i also imagine that when she was going to the well to draw water and the ladies were talking quietly so she couldn't hear, she didn't feel as strong or as confident.  the bible does not tell us this…  it is simply me speculating.  the bible actually gives us great indication that she was at complete peace and experienced "it is well with my soul" over the whole thing.

and while don't know much else about the journey of mary, we do know that joseph chose to still marry her.  it speaks to me of her character- joseph trusted her and was willing to tarnish his own reputation, going out on a public limb, acknowledging that he believed her and had an equally strong faith in God's revelation- that she was going to give birth to the Christ child.

my human mind tends to project.  and in doing so, i imagine that much of her pregnancy was a lot of internal convincing that it was all going to be ok.  i imagine that she had a lot of unknowns that she was anticipating the answers to…  aside from the birth experience itself, i imagine she wondered a lot what mothering THIS baby would look like.  i mean, no one had gone before her.  she was watching this unfold with no role model and no map- just her, joseph and God.  that must have taken an incredible amount of trust.

and then i imagine that as mary discovered that there was no place to birth her baby, she might have become frustrated (although there is no biblical pointing to this.  again, just me human projecting here)- "this isn't what i expected!  i'm birthing the Son of God, people!  clear me a room!" but that isn't in the retelling.  and it sort of leads me to believe that mary was just incredibly peaceful- in full surrender of the details.

i also think about her birthing the baby, holding him new in her arms, and feeling a heart full of love for her son.  but then i wonder where her mind went…  she didn't have any realization or affirmation that He was THE BABY that God had told her she would birth.  i wonder if she felt doubt in those first few minutes.  i also wonder if she became overcome with uncertainty- this is my boy now…  how can He be the Christ Child?  what will His life look like?  will He live with me for long?  what plans does God have in store for Him?  for surely, the full knowing that this was a virginal birth (as mary had) instilled complete belief in the fact that this WAS from God.

and then the angel appeared and the star directed the footsteps of people from all over to witness the shear sight of this baby…  and i imagine that mary's hope eclipsed with each gift, with each visitor…  experiencing delivered hope…  in her heart and in her arms.  and i imagine that THAT was enough to settle the questions…

and give her a complete posture of surrender to the plans of a God who can deliver a baby who is also God- through a virginal birth.

you see, hope wasn't about sitting back and wishing for something.  that's OUR definition of hope.  the real definition of hope is placing your plans aside, and letting God direct your path.  it is a full surrender with the CONFIDENCE that He knows what He is doing and that He longs for good for you, me…  the world.  we mess it up a great deal and get in the way, but hope always prevails.  and hope is also about a CONFIDENCE that after this life, heaven- a perfect utopia awaits us.  hope is KNOWING that Jesus will show up.  it is resting in the truth that He is who He said He was- that a baby could also be a king.  it is knowing that we don't have to know it all yet, but that God does.  and it is sitting back and placing our trust in Him and in that.

as you walk through christmas, remember that the virginal birth from "just a girl" named mary, is the beginning of hope entering the world.  33 years later, through that baby, hope was delivered on a cross.  it was messy and political and painful for a momma to watch- not exactly what she had in mind- but necessary.

my christmas wish for each of you this year is hope.  i pray that you find it, experience it and dwell in hope.  hope that God is for you- and that as you walk in this hope you will see it to be true with each step you take.  life might hold challenges and  have huge obstacles to overcome, but it is filled with hope- a promise that will be revealed much bigger than just fingers crossed- but a true resting in the unknown that  God will prevail and that it will come to pass.  and as you experience hope- in each day- you will find joy.  you see, it is hard not to find it even in the most difficult of things, when you are resting in Him and hope and a future that has been promised.

and it all started with a baby.  something so innocent and pure and dependent.  it's funny how God unfolded that plan.  He doesn't NEED us…  we need Him.  and yet, His plan for redemption, hope and joy came through a very dependent baby.  it speaks to me about His desire for us to be in relationship with Him, to be a part of the story instead of just a witness looking in from the distance.

merry Christmas!

hope (delivered)… part 2/3

if you are just tuning in, you might want to catch up here.

ok.  now on to part deux.

as per my usual, there is some history…

i marched into my first pregnancy a tightly wound, type A, read every book, interview three pediatricians, slightly obsessive, totally over the top…  "that mom", as i prepared for my e.  as i mentioned in part one, the expectations i had for that birth didn't really come to fruition…  and neither did most of my other expectations concerning motherhood.  i had a very clear visual of what i thought that motherhood and caring for a newborn was supposed to look like and when my charming e by day turned into non-stop colic baby by night i was a fish out of water.  breastfeeding was a disaster.  my formerly organized and always tidy house turned into piles of laundry, incomplete projects lying all over the place and unfinished "to do" lists littering my head.  and then postpartum depression began to rock my world.  as far as i understand postpartum issues, mine was a somewhat mild case but year one of e's life will forever be marked in my mind as a mental state of sadness.  e was beautiful and adventurous and joyful.  she checked all the milestone boxes early and i was smitten with her…  but there was this other part of my brain that couldn't shake sadness.  the funniest part of the whole thing was that all of the books i had addressed these issues-

colic…  good luck.
breastfeeding issues…  call a lactation specialist.
depression… call the doctor.

basically, after consulting the books over and over and visiting with the various specialists i realized that the the only conclusion was…  i was screwed.  not much was going to help with this all star line-up of symptoms.  and hopelessness started to creep its ugly way into my head.

as i marched through my third pregnancy, i tried to process how i was going to get through that first year.  when e blew out her candles on that first birthday cake, it was like a switch went on and the cloud of depression lifted and i felt joyful, happy and peaceful again…  but it was a whole year later.  i couldn't even begin to imagine living in that hopeless place once again.  i knew i couldn't do that for another year…  but did i have a choice in the matter?  reading books and obsessing had not worked out well in pregnancy one, so i knew i had to try another avenue.

and the only avenue i could think of was to pray.  i had to invite Jesus into this ordeal- i didn't want Him to just sustain me during the darkness of depression (although i knew He could), i wanted to be bold and ask Him to keep the cloud away.  i wanted joy.

and so i rallied some praying mommas, i recruited my sister, and i daily got down on my knees (figuratively people- i was a big ol' preggers momma…  there was no kneeling for me) and asked God to give me a different experience this time.  i had been so angry with my body for not performing in my birth experience with e and i had felt like i had failed at childbirth and failed at sustenance and i just didn't want to live under that cloud anymore.  i realized it wasn't true- a c-section or lactation issues are not failures.  let's make that clear for a moment- those things do not make a momma a failure- but the depression plays tricks on the mind and no matter how i tried to look back on my first year with e, i could not get that cloud to lift.

this time, i got real with God and i laid it all out there.  and as i let it fall to His feet and be lifted to His ears, i began to heal.  my prayers turned to confession and i handed over my controlling nature and my need for expectations to be met and my "i got this covered" posture.

"yes, God!  forgive me! i don't have ANYTHING covered.  it is true that i CAN do all of this alone.  but really, it left me feeling empty and alone and so very sad.  come in!   come into this experience with me.  be in my birth story.  be in the faces of the nurses and the midwife.  be in the lactation and the sleep and the sleepless nights and the whole darn gig.  don't leave me alone.  be in the darkest corners with me and help me navigate this path."  and as i prayed these things, as my mind digested all of this- i felt the fear lift from me and once again found hope taking up residence in my soul.

the day after christmas, i went into true labor.  the snow was falling against the black of the night and i could barely tolerate the turns and bumps in the road.  and as we traveled i just kept thinking about mary.  how terrified she must have been!

we arrived at the hospital and less than an hour later i held my new (yet to be named) baby in my arms. she had come fast and the drugless pregnancy that i had hoped for had come to pass.

we had her in a birthing center and after the birth experience was over they swaddled her up and tucked scott and i into a big queen size bed, placing new babe in between us.  and within minutes we were all sound asleep.  i remember the nurse gently tapping me on the shoulder several hours later and telling me she needed to check my vitals but that she didn't want to stir the baby.

i was so groggy and confused.  stir the baby?  is she breathing?  what time is it?  how have i possibly been asleep for several hours?  and this moment marked a new beginning.

for the next few days, weeks, and then eventually months i marched into motherhood wearing a new badge.  sleep went well, feeding went well and the cloud of sadness did not take up residence in my head.  life was not utopia- we had a new baby in the house, people- but it was joyful and manageable and it allowed me space to savor those newborn moments while finding joy in the helping hands of big sister.  it was a beautiful time.

i realized that hope is about so much more than just "fingers crossed" or "wishing for the best"- it is about surrender and expectations, confession and forgiveness and most importantly, anticipation.  and hope is not singular- it isn't something that you can walk through alone.  hope is also relational.

and as i lived in those moments, i remember pausing often to give thanks.  i was cognizant of the fact that but for me, this would not have been possible.  however, it was clear that God was using each day, each smile, each answered prayer to teach me this deeper understanding of hope.

for me, hope had been delivered.

part 3/3 to come…  stay tuned.

hope (part 1)

this post is layered.  i will just warn you now.

six years ago this christmas eve, a momma was expecting her third babe.

babe one was a relatively new three year old, filled with anticipation for chirstmas.  babe two was a resident of heaven, taken before birth at the beginning of the second trimester, somewhat unexpectedly. and babe three was thriving in her momma's womb, after several months of bed rest, ready to meet the outside world.

due on christmas.

a little bit of back story, my first birth did not go as planned.  i had anticipated a natural delivery.  even more than anticipated, i had longed for a natural delivery.  things didn't go the way i had written them out for my doctor in my birth plan.  while i was able to avoid a c-section, my sweet e did not come without a challenging birth story.  three hours of pushing, an epideral, and a very confusing labor experience produced my first baby.  regardless of the details, she was a true gift.

my second pregnancy had been very planned.  we decided to give baby two a go and got pregnant right away.  and i thanked God for giving us the desire of our hearts.  i marched into the pregnancy with hope and anticipation.  and then just a very short few weeks later, began to bleed.  as any pregnant woman might, i began to loose hope.  would this baby make it?  we went to countless doctors visits, had countless blood draws to test the levels and then heard the heartbeat that we had been so longing to hear.  we breathed a sigh of relief.  the heartbeat was the true test, right?

and slowly with baited breath we marched into week twelve.  as i passed the mark, we exhaled.

prematurely.

a few days into week thirteen my midwife suggested we have a 3d ultrasound.  my levels weren't in a place that left her comfortable and she wanted to get a better picture of what might be going on.  knowing i had prayed for this baby, knowing that we had passed the "danger zone", i walked into the ultrasound nievely.  i thought we were good as gold.

just moments into the ultrasound, with scott holding my hand and ellie in the stroller behind him, we learned that baby two no longer had a heartbeat.  there were all sorts of physical complications and the baby just didn't make it.  and i lay on the table silently weeping, trying to wrap my head around the fact that this baby was not to be.

we went home to see if my body would pass the remains naturally.

those two weeks of waiting are frozen in my mind.  i was showing just enough that i decided i could not leave the house for fear of having to explain my situation.  i made the choice to wait it out in the safety and privacy of my home, telling a few close friends that i would be fine but that we were going into "isolation" for a bit.

and for a brief moment, i felt like all hope was lost.

i remember trying to settle into that and situate myself in that and find rest in that simple fact.  but i could not.  hope lives within me.  and minute by minute i felt it rise up and force its way to the front of my cerebellum and burst within my heart.

yes, i was sitting with a stillborn baby that i had imagined holding in my arms, but somehow all i could feel was hope.  and i remember turning to God and saying something to the effect of, "how is there hope in this?"

and God, through the arms and feet of man, ministered hope to my soul.  in those two weeks, people pressed in.  they didn't share trite "christian speak" empty and trite words.  they told me it sucked.  they told me they were sorry.  they brought dinners.  they brought chocolate.  they hugged me and let me cry.  they looked me in the eye and they did not leave me alone.  

and as i felt all of this, the ever so heavy weight of this, i clung to my bible.  it's funny how that happens.  when we are in despair, we need a savior.  and so in those moments, we cling to Him.

and in this clinging, i grabbed hold of verses.  i printed them out on cards and read them day and night. i wrote them on my heart and as i thought of my suffering and compared it to the suffering of Jesus on the cross, i felt lighter.  and through each day of waiting for my baby to pass i felt hope.

shortly after this ordeal, i found myself to be very unexpectedly pregnant once again.

pregnancy three.  was i ready for this?

when i think back on it all, i can't recall how i felt.  i imagine that i felt fear, but quite honestly i don't remember feeling that way.  the memory that permeates my mind is the feeling of hope.  i'm sure i was nervous in those first few weeks, but everything looked good and it was a very healthy pregnancy.

until it wasn't.

i was walking down the snowy sidewalk of oak brook mall with my e at my side, bursting with baby in my abdomen, and felt these terrible pains.  i tried to ignore it.  i tried to rationalize it.  i tried to pretend that my mind was simply magnifying it…  until i realized this was not a good plan.  and then i marched myself into out of the snowy outdoor shopping mall and drove myself to my midwife's office.  and there i was sent to labor and delivery- not to deliver the baby, but to monitored for a period of time because things did not look great.

i remember meeting scott at the hospital door and handing over e, only to have to march into the l&d unit alone.  fear tried to grip me, and labor pains rippled through my body.  and i remember this odd moment where it all flooded across my mind and i realized i had a choice.  the bible verses that had been my mantra from my miscarriage swirled through my mind.  i could let myself be overcome by fear and hopelessness…  or i could choose hope.

you see, hopelessness, to me, suggests that there isn't much to live for.  and i knew that was just not my truth!  i have lots to live for- i had my scott and my e, my momma, my daddy,  sisters who i adore a brother who was (at the time) fighting overseas in the military, good friends, and a true belief that heaven is real and that Jesus is who He said He was- the son of God sent to redeem the earth and bring life to man.

i chose hope.

i spent a few hours under observation, contracting a significant amount, but showing no signs of labor progress.  and so they sent me home- on bed rest.  with a three year old.  to wait out my remaining six weeks of pregnancy.

good times.

and then i found myself at the eleven o'clock service at our quaint little church in western springs, hearing the story of christmas six weeks later.  my abdomen was contracting and i was on the eve of my due date.  i had made it to the mark we had hoped for, i had exceeded that date, and was holding a candle and singing "o holy night" anticipating the birth of my baby.  just like mary.

that christmas eve will go down in the history books as the most "holy of nights" for me.  my mind eclipsed and i was able to relate to mary in a way that i am not sure i ever could have without my exact circumstances.  i imagined how she must have felt slightly crazy being with babe but never having been with joseph.  i imagined how her mind tried to wrap itself around her encounter with Jesus and the declaration that she was to give birth to the son of man.  what does that even look like as you unravel it in your mind.  i imagine she felt a tiny bit loco.

i imagined how she must have been terrified as she got the news that they had to travel that far when she was that close to giving birth.  i imagined how her body must have ached as she rode into town looking for a place to stay- i even imagined her trying to decide if she should tell joseph just how urgent it was to get a place for the night or if she tried to hold back because she realized he was already under great stress.  and an epideral wasn't a choice for her.  what had she heard about childbirth?  was she terrified about the experience itself?  and what happens when the son of man pops out?  is it like a regular baby?  what will He be like?

and while i am sure that anxiety tried to take over, the story sort of looks like peace prevails.

i held my candle with one hand, and wrapped my arm around my e with the other (who was standing on the pew) and my eyes brimmed with tears.  i was not sad.

i was filled with hope.  hope for my family as we anticipated the arrival of this new little girl who had made it to the finish line and hope for the world who gets to mark the anniversary of the birth of mary's baby boy- the Son of God.