the least of these

almost five years ago, my momma was hit by a car while taking a post-thanksgiving dinner walk.  she was enjoying the warmth of the sun and the colors of fall.  and in an instant, her life changed just like that.  while she had already lived with paralysis from a stroke for more than 30 years, she now had new challenges to face.  

the first, was rather basic and straightforward.  she had to live.  those first few hours and days were dicey and we weren't sure what the outcome to this question would be.  would she make it?

oh, dear.  this post is about to get "real" really fast.  but i don't believe our circumstances and experiences come to us at random.  you know, really know by now, that i believe with my whole being in the power of prayer.  and so because of that, honest is all i know how to be.

in those first hours.  i told God to take her.  

that's hard to write.  but it is true.  i was visiting my husband's family in michigan, laying on a pull-out bed, trying to get through the night.  i knew my mom was hanging on by a thread.  from the moment of my birth (when she suffered from a severe brain aneurysm), leaving her paralyzed and without the use of her left arm or leg, she had suffered.  her life had been altered so much already.  her love of a physical life- tennis, swimming, running, sewing, baking, gourmet cooking- had been altered.  and she had endured.  she had overcome.  she had never surrendered to her physical alterations.  it changed her, for sure.  but it didn't stop her.  

and so having lived my life with that mom  i felt like it was time for me to let go.  God could take her.  my entire life had been a constant looping lesson of overcoming and leaping obstacles and winning the war in a struggle...  watching her live had taught me so much!  

and so as i waiting for my sister to arrive at the er several hours away, i asked God to take her.  i couldn't stand the thought of watching her fight one more fight.  she had been there.  she had done that.  

and i totally expected God to call her home.

and as i lay in the dark wishing for a pair of ruby red slippers to take me to her bedside several states away, i felt a shift within me.  

i can't explain it.  but i felt like God nudging me to change my prayer.  and i remember going into the bathroom so as not to wake my sleeping husband,  and sitting on the floor weeping.  i continued to pray and try and make and heads and tails of this life or death situation.  and in my prayers, i felt God press in and whisper, "i have more to teach you, tasha."

at the time, i didn't know what that meant.  it didn't answer the life or death situation that was looming over my head or give way to any other enlightenment.  i simply knew that God would use this for good.  and i sort of felt within my soul that she would pull through- some way, some how, defying all the odds.

and i sat back to see how it would all unfold.  and as i walked through the journey i learned many a thing.  but i sort of forgot about that moment on the cold bathroom floor in michigan.

if you knew me at the time, you know that my momma's journey was a long one.  she fought for the better part of week one to live.  she defied the doctor's expectations and after keeping us all on the edge of our seats for a while, turned a corner.  but early on, it was clear she would never be who she had been before.  the accident caused some mental issues that would not reverse.  she had vision loss in the left corner of both eyes.  her ability to compute numbers or comprehend numerical value disappeared.  physically, she was less stable.  emotionally, she was explosive.  her life became more about every day function rather than pleasure.

many of these traits surfaced from the aneurysm years ago, but they were exacerbated by the second head injury.  it was more than the brain could take.  while she still had a functioning brain, most of the social norms that remained, flew out the window.  out of respect for my momma, i won't list these, but if you have met her you know what i am talking about.  she is difficult to be around.  

for the past week and a half, she visited from her new home with my sister in pensylvania.  ten days pales in comparison to what my sister has taken on, but if i am honest, ten days often feels difficult.  

when my momma has visited me in the past, i have tried to embrace her agenda.  but each and every time, my non-stop adventure loving momma tires me out early in the trip.  i have found in the past that i try to give her what she wants, but sort of bring my own expectations to the table.  i secretly hope that if i do what she wants, she will give me a little more of what i want.  i hope that she will use more social graces and be more pleasant.  i hope that she will be more loving towards people that have made different choices than her and that she will be less selfish.  and each and every trip has proven to disappoint.  she tries to force her will- seeing every site in the tri-valley area.  and i try to force mine- getting my momma to be political correct and more "mainstream" or "normal".  

that's hard to share.  but like i said, i am going to share the truth here.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  ick.  i sure have a lot of ugly within me.

changing gears slightly- i have two very dear friends here in p-town, along with my childhood bestie in marcellus and another dear friend in winc. who have lost their mommas to cancer.  i am sure there are more, but these are the prominent ones that drive me.  i watch them miss their mommas.  i see them mark the anniversary of their death and commemorate birthdays.  they tell stories of their mommas and miss them on christmas.  and it brings an ache to my soul.  i get to have mine, and often, i don't give that the respect that it deserves.  they long to have theirs.  

and it made me approach this trip with my momma differently.  i vowed before her arrival to give to her without reservation, without expectation, to simply serve her.

i kept thinking of Jesus and the verse in mathew that says, "the king will answer them, 'truly i tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"

it became imperative to me to honor the fact that God had spared her life.  it became crucial that i love on her in a way that would sing to her heart.  

it became vital that i think less about what i wanted in return and thought only about what she needed.  

ouch.

love without expectation.

no matter what i get in return i will love you the way that you need?  and i sought the face of my Father and asked Him if He was sure this was what i needed to do.

yep.  

no surprise here.  a quick confirmation that God gave me borrowed time to learn how to love...  well.  no me.  just Him.  

and it was hard.

and in the hard was also a whole lotta fun.

but after ten days of giving her the desires of her heart, i saw a transformation in her.  she smiled more and began to adopt a ease of spirit.  the tense that is so often her go-to emotion melted a bit and a peace fell over her slightly.

but the true moment of "God is amazing!" came today at the airport.  you see, i believe that God always has a much larger picture in mind.  sure, He longs for me to grow.  and he absolutely longs to bless my momma.  but it goes beyond that.  and probably more so than i will ever know.

today, as my most-of-the-time selfish momma sat in the airport waiting for her flight, she noticed a herd of other "wheelchair assist" passengers waiting for the same plane.  no joke- there were 7 peeps in wheelchairs and another three elderly walk-ons waiting together to board the plane.  none of them were traveling together and none of them had someone helping them at the gate (aside from airport employees).

my mom looked up at me from her seat and whispered to me that i should ask the lady next to her if she needed anything.

good idea.  immediately it resonated within me.  but for my mom- i wouldn't have noticed on my own!

and so i asked the woman.

"yes!"

"i need to use the bathroom and i would love a sandwich!"

and so with ease, i helped her take care of the things she needed before the flight.  and then i looked at the rest of the group.

"who needs help?"

"i have time and can do whatever you need!"

yes!  yes.  yes!!

and i swear to you- in all my 37 years, my momma has never shown this sort of concern for others.

i believe firmly that if i hadn't prayed for God to be in the details of this visit- to help me love without restraint- my momma would have been sitting there tense and absorbed in her own very real and very pressing needs.  her eyes would have been closed to the needs of others.  and i would have been frustrated and irritated and grouchy- also unaware of those needs.

it was a least of these moment.

and i also believe that each of these people in the airport paid it forward in their own way.  i don't how. i don't know why.  but i am convinced that when we feel love we spill out love.  because of my momma, these people felt love.  the only natural reaction is for it to pour itself out and onward....  more people.  more love.  Jesus shows up all over town.

you see, i believe that in different ways, we all are the least of these.  and if you and i all started loving on each other- if you and i started meeting the needs of those around us-

...listening to a friend who is experiencing discontent...

...paying a toll for a stranger...

...being patient with the slow driver in front of us...

...extending grace to the person that just displayed their worst behavior...

...not judging...

...giving a hug...

...letting a friend brag about something cool that happens to them without trying to one up them...

...less corporate charity donations and more real-life personal donations...

the world would be closer to the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.

i believe that God is preparing a Kingdom for us later.  but i also believe He wants US to help imitate that Kingdom in the here and now.

i think He's been trying to teach me this lesson my whole life.  i learned it in the span of ten days...  after almost 38 years.  slow on the uptake?  yep.

will i live this out from this moment until He takes me home?

my guess is that i will probably forget.

but for my dawnie and my shahnahnah and my kathy and my cathy (my girlies that have lost their mums), i am going to do my best to keep this new lesson learned at the forefront of my life.

if you see me live differently...  please, hold me accountable.

lessons learned, but not applied, do no good.  i want this one to stick.