the least of these

almost five years ago, my momma was hit by a car while taking a post-thanksgiving dinner walk.  she was enjoying the warmth of the sun and the colors of fall.  and in an instant, her life changed just like that.  while she had already lived with paralysis from a stroke for more than 30 years, she now had new challenges to face.  

the first, was rather basic and straightforward.  she had to live.  those first few hours and days were dicey and we weren't sure what the outcome to this question would be.  would she make it?

oh, dear.  this post is about to get "real" really fast.  but i don't believe our circumstances and experiences come to us at random.  you know, really know by now, that i believe with my whole being in the power of prayer.  and so because of that, honest is all i know how to be.

in those first hours.  i told God to take her.  

that's hard to write.  but it is true.  i was visiting my husband's family in michigan, laying on a pull-out bed, trying to get through the night.  i knew my mom was hanging on by a thread.  from the moment of my birth (when she suffered from a severe brain aneurysm), leaving her paralyzed and without the use of her left arm or leg, she had suffered.  her life had been altered so much already.  her love of a physical life- tennis, swimming, running, sewing, baking, gourmet cooking- had been altered.  and she had endured.  she had overcome.  she had never surrendered to her physical alterations.  it changed her, for sure.  but it didn't stop her.  

and so having lived my life with that mom  i felt like it was time for me to let go.  God could take her.  my entire life had been a constant looping lesson of overcoming and leaping obstacles and winning the war in a struggle...  watching her live had taught me so much!  

and so as i waiting for my sister to arrive at the er several hours away, i asked God to take her.  i couldn't stand the thought of watching her fight one more fight.  she had been there.  she had done that.  

and i totally expected God to call her home.

and as i lay in the dark wishing for a pair of ruby red slippers to take me to her bedside several states away, i felt a shift within me.  

i can't explain it.  but i felt like God nudging me to change my prayer.  and i remember going into the bathroom so as not to wake my sleeping husband,  and sitting on the floor weeping.  i continued to pray and try and make and heads and tails of this life or death situation.  and in my prayers, i felt God press in and whisper, "i have more to teach you, tasha."

at the time, i didn't know what that meant.  it didn't answer the life or death situation that was looming over my head or give way to any other enlightenment.  i simply knew that God would use this for good.  and i sort of felt within my soul that she would pull through- some way, some how, defying all the odds.

and i sat back to see how it would all unfold.  and as i walked through the journey i learned many a thing.  but i sort of forgot about that moment on the cold bathroom floor in michigan.

if you knew me at the time, you know that my momma's journey was a long one.  she fought for the better part of week one to live.  she defied the doctor's expectations and after keeping us all on the edge of our seats for a while, turned a corner.  but early on, it was clear she would never be who she had been before.  the accident caused some mental issues that would not reverse.  she had vision loss in the left corner of both eyes.  her ability to compute numbers or comprehend numerical value disappeared.  physically, she was less stable.  emotionally, she was explosive.  her life became more about every day function rather than pleasure.

many of these traits surfaced from the aneurysm years ago, but they were exacerbated by the second head injury.  it was more than the brain could take.  while she still had a functioning brain, most of the social norms that remained, flew out the window.  out of respect for my momma, i won't list these, but if you have met her you know what i am talking about.  she is difficult to be around.  

for the past week and a half, she visited from her new home with my sister in pensylvania.  ten days pales in comparison to what my sister has taken on, but if i am honest, ten days often feels difficult.  

when my momma has visited me in the past, i have tried to embrace her agenda.  but each and every time, my non-stop adventure loving momma tires me out early in the trip.  i have found in the past that i try to give her what she wants, but sort of bring my own expectations to the table.  i secretly hope that if i do what she wants, she will give me a little more of what i want.  i hope that she will use more social graces and be more pleasant.  i hope that she will be more loving towards people that have made different choices than her and that she will be less selfish.  and each and every trip has proven to disappoint.  she tries to force her will- seeing every site in the tri-valley area.  and i try to force mine- getting my momma to be political correct and more "mainstream" or "normal".  

that's hard to share.  but like i said, i am going to share the truth here.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  ick.  i sure have a lot of ugly within me.

changing gears slightly- i have two very dear friends here in p-town, along with my childhood bestie in marcellus and another dear friend in winc. who have lost their mommas to cancer.  i am sure there are more, but these are the prominent ones that drive me.  i watch them miss their mommas.  i see them mark the anniversary of their death and commemorate birthdays.  they tell stories of their mommas and miss them on christmas.  and it brings an ache to my soul.  i get to have mine, and often, i don't give that the respect that it deserves.  they long to have theirs.  

and it made me approach this trip with my momma differently.  i vowed before her arrival to give to her without reservation, without expectation, to simply serve her.

i kept thinking of Jesus and the verse in mathew that says, "the king will answer them, 'truly i tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"

it became imperative to me to honor the fact that God had spared her life.  it became crucial that i love on her in a way that would sing to her heart.  

it became vital that i think less about what i wanted in return and thought only about what she needed.  

ouch.

love without expectation.

no matter what i get in return i will love you the way that you need?  and i sought the face of my Father and asked Him if He was sure this was what i needed to do.

yep.  

no surprise here.  a quick confirmation that God gave me borrowed time to learn how to love...  well.  no me.  just Him.  

and it was hard.

and in the hard was also a whole lotta fun.

but after ten days of giving her the desires of her heart, i saw a transformation in her.  she smiled more and began to adopt a ease of spirit.  the tense that is so often her go-to emotion melted a bit and a peace fell over her slightly.

but the true moment of "God is amazing!" came today at the airport.  you see, i believe that God always has a much larger picture in mind.  sure, He longs for me to grow.  and he absolutely longs to bless my momma.  but it goes beyond that.  and probably more so than i will ever know.

today, as my most-of-the-time selfish momma sat in the airport waiting for her flight, she noticed a herd of other "wheelchair assist" passengers waiting for the same plane.  no joke- there were 7 peeps in wheelchairs and another three elderly walk-ons waiting together to board the plane.  none of them were traveling together and none of them had someone helping them at the gate (aside from airport employees).

my mom looked up at me from her seat and whispered to me that i should ask the lady next to her if she needed anything.

good idea.  immediately it resonated within me.  but for my mom- i wouldn't have noticed on my own!

and so i asked the woman.

"yes!"

"i need to use the bathroom and i would love a sandwich!"

and so with ease, i helped her take care of the things she needed before the flight.  and then i looked at the rest of the group.

"who needs help?"

"i have time and can do whatever you need!"

yes!  yes.  yes!!

and i swear to you- in all my 37 years, my momma has never shown this sort of concern for others.

i believe firmly that if i hadn't prayed for God to be in the details of this visit- to help me love without restraint- my momma would have been sitting there tense and absorbed in her own very real and very pressing needs.  her eyes would have been closed to the needs of others.  and i would have been frustrated and irritated and grouchy- also unaware of those needs.

it was a least of these moment.

and i also believe that each of these people in the airport paid it forward in their own way.  i don't how. i don't know why.  but i am convinced that when we feel love we spill out love.  because of my momma, these people felt love.  the only natural reaction is for it to pour itself out and onward....  more people.  more love.  Jesus shows up all over town.

you see, i believe that in different ways, we all are the least of these.  and if you and i all started loving on each other- if you and i started meeting the needs of those around us-

...listening to a friend who is experiencing discontent...

...paying a toll for a stranger...

...being patient with the slow driver in front of us...

...extending grace to the person that just displayed their worst behavior...

...not judging...

...giving a hug...

...letting a friend brag about something cool that happens to them without trying to one up them...

...less corporate charity donations and more real-life personal donations...

the world would be closer to the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.

i believe that God is preparing a Kingdom for us later.  but i also believe He wants US to help imitate that Kingdom in the here and now.

i think He's been trying to teach me this lesson my whole life.  i learned it in the span of ten days...  after almost 38 years.  slow on the uptake?  yep.

will i live this out from this moment until He takes me home?

my guess is that i will probably forget.

but for my dawnie and my shahnahnah and my kathy and my cathy (my girlies that have lost their mums), i am going to do my best to keep this new lesson learned at the forefront of my life.

if you see me live differently...  please, hold me accountable.

lessons learned, but not applied, do no good.  i want this one to stick.

sugar and spice?

i promise you with my entire being, i thought that this thread of posting was WAY over.  it was exhausted, squeezed, emptied.  the story was told and then re-told- over- kaput- done- finished- the end.

except it wasn't.

at some point towards the very end of august i opened my email inbox to discover a message from a friend telling me about a bethany hamilton event that i should check out.  just so happens that said event would be held in p-town a mere 1.5 miles from the buser casa.  what?  for reals?  shut the front door?  we don't have waves here!  why would THE bethany hamilton be here?  and for what?

instead of trying to obtain the answers to all of THOSE questions, i went to the website and got some incredibly vague information about the event.  as it turned out, BH was coming to p-town for a fundraiser event.  tickets were reasonable but the description of the event was confusing.  i didn't really know what i was going to be attending. i had a lingering question mark concerning the content of the event.  it was a bit of a conundrum.  i made a choice.   buy tickets.  attend.  the rest will unfold after that.

this goes against my grain.  i like to know what in the dickens i am buying before i click "purchase".  in this instance, i had the gut reaction that it didn't really matter.  e's birthday was just around the bend.  e loves BH.  anything that included her would suffice.

after a quick game of "rock-paper-scissors" with the hubs to call dibs on who would take e, (with me coming out on the winning end), i purchased two tickets for e and i to meet BH once again.

and on e's ninth birthday, we shared the news with her.

she was rather stoked at the news that she would, once again, be meeting bethany hamilton.

i need to pause for a moment and interject a few things.  first- i have never really been super celebrity crazed.  in fact, i could sort of care less about a celeb.  people are people, in my opinion.  you- me- a celeb- what's the diff?  not much.

but when my e became obsessed with BH- and the way that my e became obsessed with BH- well...  my celeb perspective shifted.

i mean...  i have my opinion.  but she gets to have hers.  and hers could include the likes of katy perry, or miley cyrus, or...   any other name that i could insert here. and any of those names (while possibly good peeps), DO NOT compare to BETHANY HAMILTON!  the name might out fame BH...  but the character of the person behind the name could never...  NEVER...  measure up.

and so i have chosen to embrace (whole heartedly) my girls love for bethany.

and how could you not love her?  i found this on ebay (it's a wall decal) and sort of developed my own obsession.  i mean...  really?  what's not to love!?!

moving on.

today was the BIG day.  e came home from school, did some homework, changed into her W.W.B.H.D (what would bethany hamilton do) sweatshirt and we headed out the door to super franks.

upon arrival, we were given an auction paddle (apparently this WAS a fundraiser) and some tokens for games.  e and i ventured off into a game room and played a little skee ball...

ate some pizza.  chatted.  paused for a selfie...

posed by the super cool surfboard...

and then joined the very excited crowd of kiddos on the floor...

and then the head of the sponsoring organization (teen esteem) came out for some introductions and a welcome message.

he had me at hello.

the dude (and the organization that i knew nothing about) were both amazing.  he showed the kids three cups...  a red solo cup, a typical coffee mug, and a tea cup...  

and then he went on to share the message of this...

some of us go through life and we feel disposable like the red solo cup.  some of us go through life and we feel replaceable like the typical coffee mug.  but in reality, we are all like the fine china tea cup.  each and every one of us is invaluable.

priceless.

worth more than we know.

irreplaceable.

and my e got to hear those words.  i wish i could climb inside her head.  i wish i could climb inside her heart.  oh to know how those sounds within her!  

an overwhelming rush came over me as i heard the first act of the night!  if every girl could hear this truth- well...  i don't even know what the outcome would be!  i can pretty much guess that it would change lives.  and if every girl BELIEVED this truth...  i can't even imagine!

but my e was blessed (because julianna capata sent me a random note telling me about this random event) with these truths presented to her!  

("what a mighty God we serve" was the anthem that rattled through my head all night!...  in case those lyrics addicts were wondering.  giggle.)

and then they auctioned off a bunch of stuff and people poured out their pockets for this new-to-me but VERY rad organization that empowers teenagers with messages of truth and worth right in the middle of those years where you don't have a clue but think you know it all...

and then...

BH was on the stage.  in the flesh.  ever so real.  ever so kind.  ever so calm and approachable...

and she shared HER truth.  she talked about God's purpose in our lives and shark attacks and pursuing our passions , and trials, and obstacles, and overcoming.

(and my heart poured out the anthem of mandisa- overcomer for the rest of the night.  i can't help it.)

and goose bumps traveled up my arms and i silently shouted up a prayer of thanks. 

and the BEST part was still yet to come.  after bethany gave her speech, she answered a few questions from audience members.

each and every question brought bethany right back to sharing her love of a God who, she believes, let this happen to her to expand her boundaries and broaden her reach.  

one girl asked her, "bethany, you are our hero.  we are all here because we love you.  who is YOUR hero?"

bethany didn't skip a beat.  in her cool shaka way, she replied, "my parents and God."  

she went on to explain how those two things combined to make the perfect role model and hero that a girl could wish for.

and tears stung my eyes.

you see, i realized in that moment that i wasn't sitting there criss-cross-applesauce on the floor of super franks on a random wednesday night just for e.

God brought me there for me, too.  

if i am totally honest, this momma has a long way to go on the road of "hero" or "role model" for my girls.  

this moment was a very good heart check for ME.  what do i need to do for e?  what improvements need to be made for MY girls to see God and good and truth and beauty and hope and optimism and purpose in the way that bethany did.

i have a long road in front of me.  and thankfully, e's only 9.  

but i am ever so thankful and filled with joy at the reminder that MY purpose is really about THEM.  and their purpose is really about HIM.

what a mighty God we serve!  and thank God, He designed ME to be an overcomer.

tonight was epic.  i will remember it for years to come.  and i am so thankful for the opportunity to sit beside my girl and learn about life together.

stay tuned.  while i thought this thread was over, i can now say with certainty, it isn't.

the fat lady has yet to sing.

high speed dubbing mode

when i was in middle school i was obsessed with making mix tapes.  the love affair with my tape recorder carried well into my high-school years.  i have vivid memories of scoring my first double cassette recorder which allowed me to reproduce my mix-tapes for a friend at rapid speed.  the wheels would spin and the whir would fill the air.  to me, it was the sound of anticipation.

if you've read suburban momma more than once, you most likely know that i am a wee bit obsessed with lyrics.  the words to the music tend to speak to me and the vocals linger in my head long after the last note is played.

i have a bad memory and can't remember the artist or the album, but the lyrics roll around in my brain and come out at random times.  i have a terrible singing voice, but the one inside of me lies to my ears and pretends that it can hang with the musical talents of many a pop culture star.

as i heard those four wheels spinning around during my youth, the anticipation of the music that would result made me excited.  i couldn't wait for the tape to reach the end and for the music to finally fill the air.  i loved seeing how the songs would flow together and create a mood from the combination of lyrics and artists, compiled together to form a soundtrack.

none of that matters.  but all of it is true.

today, i had this crazy reality.  it is tuesday.  part of the week is behind me.  part of the week is before me.  i looked at my calendar to examine the elements that lay before me and mentally filed them into my brain.  chances are i will miss something, or have to look back at the schedule.  but one thing is certain.

before i can blink, friday will be upon me and all the things that i am anticipating today will behind me. no matter what.  i can't stop it.

week after week it keeps happening this way.

life is on high speed dubbing mode.

and i can't slow it down.

i blink my eyes and poppy is two inches taller, ellie is talking about boys and delaney is developing an Independence that i didn't see coming.  my littles are growing up- babyhood is gone and elementary life is my new reality.

i held a newborn today and i had this acute sensation that i would blink and she would be five.

life is like that.  it goes by fast.

there isn't much that we can do to change the speed.  no matter how hard we try, life just continues going by.  minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

as i observed this on this random tuesday, i realized that while i can't change the speed, while the pace will continue to be at high speed dubbing rate, i want to enjoy the compilation.

i hope that down the road i will remember the melody- the hum of the girlies playing in the backyard, the bickering over chores, the chatter as we bathe them and get them ready for bed, the homework and the laundry and the carpools and the play dates.  the family dinners, vacations, conversations, car pools, questions, dance parties, arguments...  i hope that each and every component  of our lives will blend into the best mix tape ever.

i long for a mix of praise, silly songs, ballads, worship and all-out jams.

and i hope that in the mind of my girls, the sound of their lives goes platinum.