when scott and i were first married we went to an incredibly young church in the city of chicago, called church of wrigleyville (it has since changed names). it was young because it was a mere 2 years old (a church plant from willow) and it was young because the average age of the attenders was something like "i just graduated from high school" and "i just got my first job". we were on the older end of that scale. anywho, our e was maybe the 5th or 6th baby born into the congregation. prior to this little half dozen, there was no nursery at the church. i mean there was a nursery it was just always empty.
after e was a few months old, we started putting her in the nursery. it was easy to hand my baby with a bad case of colic over to the warm arms of someone offering me a break. i remember savoring that hour each week. i looked forward to the little break from her and the opportunity to fully engage in something else. it is a lovely memory in my mind.
i don't fully know how volunteers came about when this nursery need arose in our church, but i do remember one person specifically. almost weekly, one of the volunteers was the same. it was guy named jason. i thought about jason a great deal during those years. he always had a smile. he snuggled my girl week after week and would dote on her in a way that made me feel like she would be safe. he was thorough and did all the things that a new mom longs to find in a childcare setting- the lid placed back on the bottle, a bib used for feedings, he knew my diaper bag. these things are little, but they establish a level of comfort and confidence in any mother. they meant a great deal to me. i have no idea what drew him to this volunteer position, but it touched me week after week that he was there. i can even remember thinking that he would make a rockin' dad!
fast forward a few years.
we were no longer going to the church of wrigleyville (due to a relocation in the burbs), but i learned that jason and his wife justine (equally as amazing as her hubs) were struggling with infertility. they struggled with this for years and years. testing, temperatures, medications, needles, prodding, investigation... pregnancies and then miscarriages. this happened to them over and over. and while we were somewhat removed from them due to proximity, i kept learning of their journey and of their sorrow. it broke my heart.
another thing on my mind related to this topic is more recent, i have been following a blog of a friend of a friend of a sister. the sister has spent the better part of the past five months in icu at two different hospitals waiting to see if their baby was going to pull through a medical challenge that even the doctors couldn't label or define. this momma oozes beauty. day after day she lives on the tightrope that is her current reality. she juggles two littles at home and a third in the hospital fighting for her life. i have no idea how their story will end, but from what i can see it has been anything but predictable. one day their new babe is on the up swing and defying the odds and on other days, she is barely holding on- but for the grace of God.
i think of my sister- who birthed five healthy beauties- they make up the bulk of my nephews and niece. but she too, suffered loss. sweet beautiful joshua, born with trisomy, left this world at four months. his time here was a gift. but that doesn't change the fact that he isn't with us today. my sister's heart is filled with a mother's love for her boy.
i think of older women without children- while i am not suggesting that all women who don't have children are aching inside, my guess is that among them are some who had hopes of motherhood that didn't come into fruition.
i think of friends who have suffered miscarriage. there are too many to count. mommas who had the hope that they would be filling a bassinet with a little life only to hear the life changing words, "there is no heartbeat". i know this because it is part of my story as well.
and so as i traveled through my week, seeing card racks brimming with cards touting the joy of motherhood and the blessing of children, my heart felt unsettled. as i wished and was wished "happy mother's day" countless times this week... as flower shops stocked up and facebook posts were advertising all these amazing kids... i kept feeling this little pit of sadness. i couldn't help but think of the woman who wanted with all her being to be a momma. i kept imagining the void in her heart. and i guess i wanted to share some thoughts on that today.
i don't mean to be a momma's day downer. children are a blessing. the bible says this clearly. it also says that we are to celebrate and give thanks for what we have been blessed with. mommas should rejoice at these littles in their lives.
but i think we should also be mindful of the momma that doesn't get to wear that title but wants it with all her heart. and so maybe you'll read this and someone will come to mind. reach out to her this week. give her a hug. honor her in some way. celebrate her.
i believe with my whole being that jesus is light. i also believe with everything that i have that jesus is truth. and so for me, things that we leave in the darkness are not given complete access to the redemption of a loving, healing, God. i imagine that many girlies don't talk about their loss because the pain is just so big... but pain illuminated is exposed for God to use. He is redemptive and my experience is that with the exposure also comes healing. and so if you are a woman that has suffered loss, my challenge for you is this... share it with someone this week. put yourself out there and trust that God will use your truth for good. it feels scary to even suggest that to you- but i am just standing in the hope and promise that God has plans to prosper you and not harm you.
i have seen it through my friend justine. remember jason and justine? justine is expecting again. i can't explain why this time is different, nor can she or her doctors. she just celebrated her 20 week ultrasound depicting a healthy growing baby.
and so with that, i will sign off. will you take me up on this challenge?
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