"back in my day..."

my littles finished preschool this week.  around here, it is officially summer for two-thirds of this rodeo show.  i have spent the better part of the last few weeks perusing summer guides and generating a list of daily adventures.  i have been considering a few day camps and finding the perfect vbs.  as we marched our way through the end of school and into the less scheduled days of summer, i also started thinking about my own childhood summertime's.

mostly, i remember being bored.  

and hot.

when i was in elementary school i would go to my dad's house for a month each summer.  

boredom at each house looked different.  when i was at my mom's i would venture out into the fields that surrounded our dead end street in upstate ny.  i would play in a creek that ran through the woods or turn an abandoned chicken coop into a fort.  my dad's home was in the city of syracuse.  when i was bored there i would walk to the library and check out various vhs movies.  

it was during that month that i developed a love for musicals.  i can remember watching west side story, fiddler on the roof and the music man.  i would also walk to this specialty shop, lombardi's.  it was filled with imported cheeses and cured meats.  i think this was the origin of my love for the cheesemonger.

one summer i discovered a cassette tape of my father's.  it was a recording of bill cosby's comedy.  i remember laying on the living room floor and listening to it while trying to absorb whatever breeze might pass through the windows.  one part of his act is about kids complaining.  in his response he tells his kids, "when i was a boy i had to walk 13 miles to and from school...  every day...  and it was uphill both ways."  you can imagine the cosby voice and the inflection that would make this funny.  i remember listening to the tape over and over that summer.

for some reason this part of the sketch has stuck with me.  whenever i hear my kids complain it pops into my head and gives me perspective.  the "guilty mom" voice in my head never wins, because let's face it, my kids have it made in the shade.  

this sketch jumped into my mind this weekend.  i was coming home from the grocery store and unloading the car.  while i had been gone, scott was mowing the lawn.

there was this moment when i went out to get another armful of bags and scott was pulling the string to start the mower.  it didn't start with the first pull.  or the second pull.  or the third.  he declared it was low on gas and went about the task of filling up the tank.  

for the first time since we have had a lawn to mow, i realized how very lucky i am.  watching him do this triggered something.  it took me back to childhood.

when i was a girl, a very young girl, i had to take over the task of lawn mowing.  i think it started when i was in fourth grade but quite possibly earlier.  my eldest sister went to visit my aunt for the summer and my other sister was living with my father.  i was the only one at home, and with a handicapped mother on a strict budget, that left me to mow the lawn.  i loathed the job.  i remember blisters forming on my hand as i would push our mower through the yard.  our mower didn't have a bagging element and so the grass would get trapped beneath the machine causing you to have to flip it up and dig out the clippings with a paint stick.  this task was dangerous, highly annoying and the need to do it happened at a nauseating pace.  i can remember that it felt like the minute you finished mowing the yard the yard would need to be mowed again. grass is like that.  it just keeps growing.  everything about lawn mowing felt miserable to me.

as i stood there watching scott, getting lost in this memory, i heard my girls playing in the background.  it is difficult to put to words, but my heart began to expand and fill to the brim.  i felt like i was exploding with thankfulness.

thankful that i had a momma who taught me the value of hard work.

thankful that i never lost a limb to the blade of that horrible mower.

thankful that i don't have it so "hard" any more.

thankful that my children live a rather plush life where they get to be kids.

thankful that they get to see their father be such a good man.

thankful that my husband cares for me in so many simple beautiful ways...  and that he does it with such a beautiful heart.  

in this moment i became keenly aware of realities that i have neglected to notice or illuminate over the years.  scott has never, not even once, complained about mowing the lawn.  in fact, he rather enjoys it.  i have never, not even once, had to ask him to get it done.  no nagging.  no wondering how long it will be until he gets out there again...  it just gets done.  and i stood there brimming, spilling over with gratitude in my heart because something so simple can easily become something so big.

i know that lately i have been on a "scott fest" with my blogging, but it has been on my mind a great deal.  it almost feels like there has been this spotlight on him for the past few weeks generated straight from my heart, illuminating so many characteristics that i treasure.

as a momma of three girls, this is especially important to me.  you see, he is their first love.  

stay tuned for part two of this post. 

how do you solve a problem like maria?

recently i told you about my new found love for native plants.  in my front garden bed, i am seeing some serious blooms.  this brings me great delight because, as i've told you, my california gardening adventure has been met with lackluster success.  my three favorites at the moment are my sticky monkey flowers.  i chose three of these plants because i felt like they added an anchor of consistency to the center of the bed and would add a nice focal point of continual summer blooms.  

my girls have drawn a very different conclusion.  they have decided that my sticky monkey flowers represent them.  they firmly believe that i have planted three to represent my three little monkeys.  and i guess this isn't very far off.  

these plants are just as predictable as my three little monkeys.  

the first plant was my early bloomer.  one day it was just a baby and the next day it was sprouting beautiful blooms.  just like my e.  

the middle one is full of life, very much like my d.

and the third little monkey is a lot like my p.  growing up faster than her sisters, having these unpredictable blooming spells and always reaching up.

all of these little bloomers are very special and unique.  with my e, everything has been met with new momma's eyes.  each accomplishment has been a first for her and a first for me to observe.  i watch her with wonder and with awe.  what will she do next?  she is creative and funny, smart and thoughtful.  she has a deeply inquisitive mind and a playful spirit.

my d is always meeting me with kind words and with illuminated eyes.  her life is a joy bubble.  every once in a while it deflates, but then it fills itself back up again with even more joy.  she is smiles and giggles and a constant ray of insight and delight.

and then there is my p.  my birdie, the baby...  who is less and less a baby with each passing day.

my littlest monkey, similar to the one in the garden, is thriving.  i feel a little guilty though.  while i took a huge blogging hiatus over the past two years- blogging intermittently, some of her stories have been neglected.  i've been thinking about it a lot this past week and feeling like there are these little moments that i just don't want to forget.  and even now, months after they have taken place, the minutia of each story is starting to slip.  i like the minutia.

and so today, a few little random snippets about pops from over the past year.

if you have given my popsie a stuffed animal, doll or anything else that can be named in the past year, chances are she named it shanena.  i don't know why.  i don't even know where she heard that name in the first place.  but at our house over the past twelve months, we have acquired an entire bin of "shanenas".  every time, it is the same thing.  shanena the doll, shanena the cat, shanena the monkey...  and it has gone on and on.  until one day it didn't.  this week she came into the possession of a blue rabbit.  i asked her what she might like to name it (mostly as a courtesy question because i was pretty certain that i knew the answer).  her reply...  bluey.  i asked her why she wasn't naming it shanena.  she told me she didn't know and then she skipped off into the other room.

when our little popcorn was one she began a food strike.  she gave up veggies and fruit.  completely.  no veggies.  no fruit.  not in any form what-so-ever.  and this one is stubborn.  i should have known that this battle was coming about a year ago.  she was sitting at the table eating her lunch.  the only veggies that i could get this one to eat were those gerber veggie puffs that look like cheese puffs.  she had a little pile of them left on her plate and was asking to be excused.  i told her she needed to finish the veggie puffs and went back to the task of cleaning up.  a few minutes later i looked over at her and saw her lift up the edge of her plate and push a few puffs beneath it.  she then leaned in and whispered, "you guys hide right here."

at that moment she looked up to discover that momma had seen the whole thing.  even though she was caught red handed she giggled her little head off.  and i joined right in with her...  because it was too funny not to.

i wish i could say that this situation has improved over the last year, but it just isn't so.  her currently list of acceptable veggies is broccoli and cucumber (preferably in the form of a pickle).  that doesn't even count as a veggie, does it?  and the current list of fruits is empty.  nothing.  nada.  zilch.

here's to hoping that veggie vitamins are doing their job!

my peanut is a singer.  when she is playing all by her lonesome she can be found singing the words to her play.  normal words- put to song.  today she was singing a song about a baby that didn't get to go to school on thursdays and this is sad and she has to take a nap and she hates naps and she wants to go to school where delaney goes but she can't because she is little and little girls have to take naps...  fa la la la la.  if my keyboard had a music note symbol, i would insert it here.

she sings about brushing her teeth and cleaning her room, playing with her sisters and eating lunch.  if she does it, she sings about it.

and it is delish.  it annoys the h*** out of her sisters, but it melts this momma's heart.

and then there is the topic of getting dressed.  oy.  this might just simply put me in the grave.  when e was little, i would put out an outfit and she would put it on.  and then we would go about our day.  it was simple, adorable and fun to dress a little girl.  d was a different story.  i have not been picking out her clothing for quite some time.  she has dressed herself multiple times a day since she was two.  but she is rocking the fashion skill.

p...  well...  she is a bit more like punky brewster.  she rocks pink skirts with red shirts and green tights. she rocks yellow skirts with a turtle neck layered with a tank top...  she rocks...  you get the picture.  there is little rhyme or reason to what this monkey chooses to wear on a daily basis.  but you can bet your bottom dollar that if it isn't "poppy approved" she is NOT going to wear it.  it is absurd.  it is challenging.  it is downright offensive.

some days i fight it.  occasionally i win.  most of the time, i just let her be her.  oh- and you can bet that on any given day my pops is rockin' her uggs.  she wears them with everything.  95 degrees?  no problem.  she loves them and she is going to wear them...  well, until she decides that she won't.

and for all the challenges that my pop star presents me with on a daily basis...  she matches them with compliments.  really.  today, while helping her on the potty, she told me i was beautiful.  yesterday, while helping her clean her room, she told me she loved me SO much.  last week, out of the blue, she thanked me for taking her to church.

she is love.  she is delight.  she is gracious.  she is unique.  she is determined.  she is pops.

and i wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.  penelope- you rock my world on any given day, but man, you make this world a rockin' place.  

surf's up!

this past summer we took a family trip to southern california.  usually, while on vacay the hubs and i each take a turn doing something personally relaxing and allowing the other to have a kids free break.  over the years the activities of choice have become somewhat predictable.  i choose a massage and scott chooses golf.  and we both are pretty happy at the end of the day.

this is sort of what happens in marriage.  you get used to the rhythms and over time are able to predict each other's choices and behavior patterns.

this year, upon our arrival to our vacation spot, i asked scott if he had decided on a day and location for his golf outing.

his reply:  i don't think i am going to golf this year.

errrrrk.  i had to do a mental slam on the brakes and back up a minute.

what's that you say?  not golfing?  well.  oh.

what ARE you going to do, then?

his reply:  i think i'm going to go surfing.

oh.  did you say surfing?  hmm.  ok.

and then as i wrapped my head around the idea of my husband surfing i began to fall in love with my hubs all over again.  i mean, that's pretty hot.  this blog is for the girls to read one day.  so i'll just leave it at that.

a few days later scott went off for his surfing lesson.  he loved it!  however, the dude that gave him the lesson said that it wasn't really a good wave day.  he felt bad (scott did not).  and so he offered scott a make up class the next day.

when he told the girls about his surfing adventure e's eyes lit up like the 4th of july.  she was fascinated with this idea of her dad out riding waves.  she wanted in.

scott, being the amazing dad that he is, decided to take her along.  and so the next day the family took off for the beach.  p, d and i played in the sand while daddy and e surfed the waves.  i was in awe.  they both just went out there and learned the art of hopping on their boards at just the right moment to catch a wave.  i was one proud momma and one very enamored wife.

a few weeks ago scott had a business trip in chicago.  when he arrived home i asked him how his flight was.  his reply:  good.  i read a book.

my husband isn't what i would could an avid reader.  he reads books, for sure, but he is particular about what he reads.  if he is going to pick up a book and read it, he has usually researched said book.  i didn't recall him speaking of any books as of late, so i was curious.

me:  what did you read?

him:  a book i saw in the airport.

me:  oh.

e burst into the kitchen at that moment and asked me if i had spoken to scott about her having a sleepover.  we had talked about it earlier and i had told her that i needed to confirm with him before committing.

i told her i hadn't yet had a chance.  and so she turned to him and asked him herself.

his reply:  sure.

my immediate thought was, "who is this man and what have you done with my husband?"  i gave him the raised eyebrow questioning look.

his reply:  it was in the book.  it said that dads should say "yes" to their daughters more often.

and then we went on about our evening.  and life swept us up and we never came back to the discussion of the book.

that was a few weeks ago.

this weekend i asked scott what he might like to do.  he declared that saturday night was going to be family movie night.

alrighty then.

me:  do you want me to pick up a red box or should we just rent one from on-demand?

him:  i've got the movie.  i ordered it from ebay a few weeks ago.

huh?

and so after dinner we sat down to watch the movie.  the title is soul surfer.  it's about a girl who loves to surf.  she is pretty hot stuff and making her way up the competitive surfing ladder as a young teenager.

and then she is in an accident.  while surfing with her family she is attacked by a shark.  but she isn't knocked down.  almost immediately after the accident (where she looses an arm) she gets back on the board.

and to make things easier for her, her dad engineers a handle in the middle of her board so that she can find her balance to get on the board.

the girl's name is bethany hamilton.  you might have heard of her.  she is sort of a big deal in the surfing world and is rocking out 1st and 2nd place titles in the pro surfing arena to this day.  with one arm.  because her dad saw that she was struggling and stepped in to help her when she needed him.

me:  hey babe, where did you find this movie?

him:  it's in the book.

me:  the book?

him:  yeah, the book i read on the plane, about daughters and dads.

me:  wow.

( i have since gone in search of the book.  sure enough, chapter 31 is all about dads helping their daughter.  it suggests that dads should know what their daughter is struggling with at any given time and be waiting in the wings to step in and help.  just not right away... because they might figure it out for themselves.  but if they can't- then dad should step in.)

 about half of the way through our movie watching we took an intermission and made jiffy pop.  they loved everything about this night.  the popcorn.  the movie.  staying up late.  oh...  and their dad who they knew was behind the whole thing.  my kids have been talking about sharks and surfing for the past few days.  they've also been practicing life with one arm.

and the coolest part?

they aren't doing this with fear.  they are doing it with confidence because scott reinforced the amazing ability that we have to overcome obstacles.

and as for me?  i've been looking at my husband with this quizzical look and asking myself, "how in the world did i get so lucky?  how did i get THIS guy as the father of my girls?"

if you have daughters, you just might want to find a way to get their daddy to read this little number.  apparently, it has had a pretty lasting impression on one dad that i know.  smile.

waterworks

yesterday morning i received an email that turned a switch in me that i didn't realize was going to switch.  the switch was that of waterworks within me.

here is part of the email:

"i had my last co-op duty on monday and wanted to express my gratitude towards all of you and your children.  i really looked forward to my co-op days this year and getting to know all of your children was a true blessing for me.  learning about God's love from the little theologians in training was often a heartwarming and eye opening experience.  every one of them was so precious in his/her own unique way.  thank you for sharing your 'spiritual phermones' with me in my continuing journey of motherhood."

tears.  

tears.

tears.

god is so good.  my fingers can't really find the keys on the keyboard as i try and type this because i have goosebumps as i reflect on this truth.  and who would have known how this story would evolve... God did.  i did not.

i'll explain.

when we first moved here, i was attending mops at a local church.  if my memory is accurate, the second meeting featured a speaker from a local preschool.  she came and shared some discipline tips for moms of little ones.  it was a good talk and appropriate for me at the time (d was about to enter the terrible twos and p was right behind, nipping at her heels).  at the end of the talk the mops leader mentioned that the speaker was the director of a local preschool and that there were pamphlets in the back if we wanted more information.  

it was in that moment that i heard the voice of God.  when this happens, you tend to remember it.  i heard God whisper in my heart, "this is your school."  "you are going to take the two littles here.  get a pamphlet."

being new to the area, i hadn't given a moments thought to preschool.  it was at least a year away and i was still in the middle of unpacking boxes and finding the local grocery stores.  but i left the meeting and went home to google the school.  it was the exact opposite of the preschool that i had chosen for e in chicago.  i lean more towards a curriculum based school and this was play based.  and i wasn't really thinking i was going to be able to swing a co-op school with three muffins.  it felt like a lot to juggle.  maybe i had just heard God incorrectly.  

i dismissed thinking about preschool and went back to focus on more pressing issues at hand.

fast forward a year, the time had come to start the hunt for the place that would be our school.  i went back to the pamphlet that i had tucked away.  was this really my school?  i googled curriculum based schools in the area and came up with one website that looked promising.  i went to the website and fell in love.  and then i saw the monthly rates.  oy.  it was doable for one year, but when p joined the preschool party a year later, it wouldn't be an option.  i didn't see much point in choosing a preschool for one year and so i went back to the pamphlet.  and i asked God if He was sure (because God is so indecisive...  giggle).

He said He was sure.

and so i signed my d up for that preschool from the mops meeting.

if you had told me then what i know now, i wouldn't have had a doubt in the world.  it has been a tough juggle having two littles in a co-op preschool, there is no doubt.  i haven't had much time to myself this past year.  our available time slot for my two littles was afternoon.  it was hard.  i'd drop off d and p and then go to pick up e.  there were times that i grumbled about this.  i looked at people around me with "alone time" and felt envious.  i am not proud of that.  i just want to be honest.  sometimes when we follow God, we don't always do it with a joyful heart.  i have had to battle internally with this a bit over the past nine months.  

it has also forced me to ask others for help.  i am not good at this.  but on those days when i was co-oping someone would have to take e for me.  i am ever so grateful for a few momma friends that have stepped in and been willing to pick up my girl and keep her for the overlap of time.  they've always said it was no big deal, but to me it was a lifesaver.  and i love how even through this little thing...  asking for help, God has used this experience to grow me.  self-reliant isn't all that it is cracked up to be and i am learning the benefit of leaning on others, as challenging as it is for me.  

on friday, my beautiful preschool director held our final chapel for the year.  it will be the last one for d.  

tears.

tears.

and as i sat there, amidst the beautiful chaos of preschoolers, sitting with some cherished new momma friends, i realized exactly why God had called me there.  

 kelly led those littles in worship singing, "clap your hands and sing to the Lord, hallelu hallelu hallelujah."  and they all did their hula motions and giggled together as they praised God.  they sang, "my God is so big" and practiced their sign language skills as they remembered that God is their friend, shield, provider and giver of good gifts.  

and i melted.  because i know that the Truth is written on my d's heart.   i can stand confident that it is there, deep within her.  it is part of her formation and as a wee little one, she chose to follow Him.  as she grows, the desires of her heart could change or stray or take a turn.  but i stand confident that this foundation will always be there calling her back.

and i wanted to grab hands with the girlie that wrote the email and the girlie sitting next to me and the girlie across the room...  and hug them fiercely because they have been a ray of sunlight in my life.  and God KNEW the plans that He had for me and exactly how they would unfold.  He knew that just like my d and p needed this experience, so did their momma.

and then we went to the carnival where bubbles the clown talked about God's creation while she made them butterflies and flowers and doggies...

and the only hiccup in the night was when my e declared that she was a vegetarian in the food line.  i might have had a mini-mom melt down while juggling 4 girlies, 4 plates, 4 requests, 4 drinks....  but we found veggie burgers and moved past that quickly.  giggle.

and then we rode ponies.

and chased chickens.

and spent a lovely evening with some very cherished friends.

oh, and we also came home with bags and bags of loot.  if you know the donor of this metal cow bell... tell them i said, "thanks".

the honeymoon

someone recently was asking me the ages of my kids.  after i told them they responded with, "sounds like you've just entered a honeymoon phase.  no more diapers, mostly independent and not yet hormonal teenager.  enjoy it!"

i walked away from that interaction scratching my head.  i mean, i don't feel like i am in a honeymoon era.  at any given moment someone in the buser pad is whining or crying or talking back or fighting with a sister...  or...  you get the point.  but it made me pause.  i had to consider, what if this is like a mini-moon and i am not fully embracing it?  i like to live in the moment and take it in...  what if this is that moment and i am letting it pass by unnoticed.  will the hard of three hormonal teenagers be that much worse if i don't stop and celebrate THIS?

i also recently read an article that has been circulating around facebook suggesting that three is the most horrible toxic grey hair inducing number of children for one to have.  i didn't get too far into the article when i realized that to continue reading it would be like pouring piles of kosher salt into a gaping wound.  i might be better off not knowing that the author feels like i have embarked on a journey to the top of devil's peak (or some other horrible exhilarating adventure).  and you can't believe everything you read.

i do have a point here.  i swear i do.

my mother's day weekend began with a bang.  d and p's preschool celebrated the mommas with a little luncheon and slide show depicting how much the muffins had experienced and grown this school year. it was sweet.  it's hard to believe that the year is actually wrapping up.

d's teacher asked the kids an open ended question...  "describe your mom to me."  this is what d said:

every mom enjoys being dotted on by their littles.  i know it is fleeting and that in a few years she is going to be complaining about my mom jeans and antiquated hair style and even more antiquated rules and expectations.  it's nice to have this in my back pocket to remind her that once upon a time she liked me.  if you see her in a few years, please remind her that this is true.  (giggle.)

on saturday i had the pleasure of hosting a table at our church tea.  it was a lovely event filled with mom's being celebrated by their daughters, friends, sisters etc.  i loved looking around the room and seeing the relationships that those tables represented.  support in the motherhood is a key element and it comes in many forms.  it was obvious to me that these tables represented strong support systems between women.

and this was true at my table as well.  i sat with my friend, julie.  we also sat with her mom, grandma, and daughter.  4 generations of support.  that's pretty cool, right?  julie is a pretty rockin' momma and has been a special influence in my life.  i love her and the emotional support and laughter that she has shared with me over the years.

after i left the tea, the fam and i piled into the car and headed to piedmont.  we've never been and i wanted to check it out.  the rest of them were happy to accommodate (you'll see why in a minute).  piedmont is filled with antique shops and if you know me well you know i love me an antique store.  we browsed and window shopped and giggled at some of the treasures.  in one shop d exclaimed, "mom!  look at those huge cd's!!!" (i'm still laughing as i play that back in my head.)

and while we walked and held hands and giggled and chatted together as a family, i realized that it might be true.  i might be in a mini parenting honeymoon.  i took a mental picture of scott perusing the vintage beatles pins with delaney and ellie and tried to memorize the feel of poppy's little hand pressed into mine as we crossed the street.

i used to get irritated when people would tell me that "it will go by in a blink of an eye" and that "you need to savor each and every moment".

suddenly i am starting to develop an understanding of what they mean.  my nephew is starting his senior year of high school, but i swear i can still remember the day he was born like it was last week.

we ventured to dinner and then had our first experience at fentons.  it was a lovely day.

when you go on your honeymoon, you sort of indulge a bit...  and so on sunday we took a little trip to hidden villa in los altos.  we picnicked, hiked, chased chickens, examined wild flowers, and just hung out together some more.  it was a happy weekend, indeed.

some thoughts on mother's day

i have been thinking about something this week that i can't get off of my mind.  i don't know that i have anything of value to share or that i have drawn any real conclusions, but i felt like i needed to just put it out there.

when scott and i were first married we went to an incredibly young church in the city of chicago, called church of wrigleyville (it has since changed names).  it was young because it was a mere 2 years old (a church plant from willow) and it was young because the average age of the attenders was something like "i just graduated from high school" and "i just got my first job".  we were on the older end of that scale.  anywho, our e was maybe the 5th or 6th baby born into the congregation.  prior to this little half dozen, there was no nursery at the church.  i mean there was a nursery it was just always empty.

after e was a few months old, we started putting her in the nursery.  it was easy to hand my baby with a bad case of colic over to the warm arms of someone offering me a break.  i remember savoring that hour each week.  i looked forward to the little break from her and the opportunity to fully engage in something else.  it is a lovely memory in my mind.  

i don't fully know how volunteers came about when this nursery need arose in our church, but i do remember one person specifically.  almost weekly, one of the volunteers was the same.  it was guy named jason.  i thought about jason a great deal during those years.  he always had a smile. he snuggled my girl week after week and would dote on her in a way that made me feel like she would be safe.  he was thorough and did all the things that a new mom longs to find in a childcare setting- the lid placed back on the bottle, a bib used for feedings, he knew my diaper bag.  these things are little, but they establish a level of comfort and confidence in any mother.  they meant a great deal to me.  i have no idea what drew him to this volunteer position, but it touched me week after week that he was there.  i can even remember thinking that he would make a rockin' dad!

fast forward a few years.  

we were no longer going to the church of wrigleyville (due to a relocation in the burbs), but i learned that jason and his wife justine (equally as amazing as her hubs) were struggling with infertility.  they struggled with this for years and years.  testing, temperatures, medications, needles, prodding, investigation...  pregnancies and then miscarriages.  this happened to them over and over.  and while we were somewhat removed from them due to proximity, i kept learning of their journey and of their sorrow.  it broke my heart.

another thing on my mind related to this topic is more recent, i have been following a blog of a friend of a friend of a sister.  the sister has spent the better part of the past five months in icu at two different hospitals waiting to see if their baby was going to pull through a medical challenge that even the doctors couldn't label or define.  this momma oozes beauty.  day after day she lives on the tightrope that is her current reality.  she juggles two littles at home and a third in the hospital fighting for her life.  i have no idea how their story will end, but from what i can see it has been anything but predictable.  one day their new babe is on the up swing and defying the odds and on other days, she is barely holding on- but for the grace of God.

i think of my sister- who birthed five healthy beauties- they make up the bulk of my nephews and niece.  but she too, suffered loss.  sweet beautiful joshua, born with trisomy, left this world at four months.  his time here was a gift.  but that doesn't change the fact that he isn't with us today.  my sister's heart is filled with a mother's love for her boy. 

i think of older women without children- while i am not suggesting that all women who don't have children are aching inside, my guess is that among them are some who had hopes of motherhood that didn't come into fruition.  

i think of friends who have suffered miscarriage.  there are too many to count.  mommas who had the hope that they would be filling a bassinet with a little life only to hear the life changing words, "there is no heartbeat".  i know this because it is part of my story as well.  

and so as i traveled through my week, seeing card racks brimming with cards touting the joy of motherhood and the blessing of children, my heart felt unsettled.  as i wished and was wished "happy mother's day" countless times this week...  as flower shops stocked up and facebook posts were advertising all these amazing kids...  i kept feeling this little pit of sadness.  i couldn't help but think of the woman who wanted with all her being to be a momma.  i kept imagining the void in her heart.  and i guess i wanted to share some thoughts on that today.  

i don't mean to be a momma's day downer.  children are a blessing.  the bible says this clearly.  it also says that we are to celebrate and give thanks for what we have been blessed with.  mommas should rejoice at these littles in their lives.

but i think we should also be mindful of the momma that doesn't get to wear that title but wants it with all her heart.  and so maybe you'll read this and someone will come to mind.  reach out to her this week.  give her a hug.  honor her in some way.  celebrate her.

i believe with my whole being that jesus is light.  i also believe with everything that i have that jesus is truth.  and so for me, things that we leave in the darkness are not given complete access to the redemption of a loving, healing, God.  i imagine that many girlies don't talk about their loss because the pain is just so big...  but pain illuminated is exposed for God to use.  He is redemptive and my experience is that with the exposure also comes healing.  and so if you are a woman that has suffered loss, my challenge for you is this...  share it with someone this week.  put yourself out there and trust that God will use your truth for good.  it feels scary to even suggest that to you- but i am just standing in the hope and promise that God has plans to prosper you and not harm you.

i have seen it through my friend justine.  remember jason and justine?  justine is expecting again.  i can't explain why this time is different, nor can she or her doctors.  she just celebrated her 20 week ultrasound depicting a healthy growing baby. 

and so with that, i will sign off.  will you take me up on this challenge?  

matty

you may recall my entry into the world of gardening from a few years ago.  

i had a good run in illinois. and then we moved to california.  while i am in love with this beautiful place and i think it  might be very similar to the climate we will encounter in heaven (giggle), it hasn't been kind to my inner gardener.  i think that in the three years that we have lived here, i have produced about three tomatoes, 1 cucumber and a pepper or two.  it has been a sad state of affairs.  i was frustrated for a bit, but then chalked it up to the fact that that the sun intensity thing here was just too difficult to figure out.  since i couldn't figure it out, i would simply enjoy it.  because, let's face it, a 90 degree day on the first of may is sort of amazing to this girl.  no need to be frustrated.  i'll just embrace the pure joy of it.

and i have.  truly, i have.  i joined a csa and moved on.  

but this year, our csa changed their framework a bit and our back yard was sort of begging us to give it a makeover.  we were going to be without grass and without veggies.  i need fresh ripe tomatoes.  i do. i really do.

and so a few months ago, i got a bee in my bonnet and urged the hubs to join me in covering up the dirt that was our backyard.  we traded in some space that was formerly a garden bed and replaced it with some glorious sod.  we also transplanted everything that was in the front and put it in the back.  our sun situation in the front yard is ever changing and my first attempts at planting a curbside bed was sort of lackluster.  

it was hard work, but together, we accomplished the task.  our mini-backyard makeover was a success (at least as of right now.  i'm not holding my breath- just celebrating in the moment).  my hubs seems to love it, too.  

if you don't believe me...  well, the proof is in the pudding picture below.

about two years ago, my friend dawn and i went to the alameda antique faire.  if you haven't been, you should go.  it is wonderful.  there are rows and rows of beautiful treasures, with a view of the bay in the background.  but i digress.  on the way out of alameda, we saw a sign for a plant nursery selling "natives".  dawn asked me to stop.  i was game.  

and for the next half hour or so, we wandered through this plant nursery filled with native california plants.  who knew?  apparently, dawn knew.  in fact, she knew so much that she had just planted her own native garden.  i was skeptical.  mostly, because i have stunk at this california gardening thing.  but for two years, i have watched her garden grow.  i have seen her passion for the plant flourish into a beautiful garden.  it really is lovely.

and so this year, as we removed our front bed and transplanted it to the back, i made a decision.  i decided that i was going to take a risk on this california native plant thing.  mostly, because i couldn't get an image out of my head of a plant that i had seen that day after the alameda antique faire.  i couldn't shake the beauty of this plant that we saw that day and i just needed to have one of my very own.  it was delightful and so special to me in every way.  

am i really getting this excited about plants?  yup.  i never knew i could.  but i have.  i check on them several times a day and delight in their new growth (indications that they might actually live).  i research them on line.  i've been planning trips to this special natives nursery (really, they have their own special nurseries!  you can't find these at home depot.).

and so imagine my delight when i stepped out my front door this morning and discovered that the very first native that i fell in love with had bloomed on my very own curb!  

introducing matty...  or the matilija poppy if you want to get technical.  i can't even say that, so i just call her matty.  i love her.  isn't she spectacular?  don't tell me if you don't agree.  just agree.  

and as for tomatoes.  this year i invested in a new product.  they're like earth boxes but sell for half of the price...  called city pickers.  they are doing all of the work for me...  i bought a bunch of starters at about 4 inches high each.  this is what they look like today:

i think it is fair to say that we are going to have tomatoes this year.  you never know.  but here's to hoping!