once, twice, three times a laney

my d turned 3 this week. when asked about her birthday in the weeks leading up to it she was emphatic about two things.

"i want a bike party!" (leaving her mother very confused about what such a party looks like)

and

"i want a rainbow cake."

we decided that with 50 degree temps, traveling friends and a rainy season upon us, we would throw the party in june for her half birthday (a much more fitting time for a bike party and thus allowing her momma some time to come up with a better idea of what this might entail. truth be told i love planning a party, so i've come up with a bunch of the details are already. but the weather, that was out of my control.)

but for the now, i was determined to figure out this rainbow cake thing.

after a bit of time on the net and digging deep into the memory banks to recall an idea i read about more than a year ago.... voila! a rainbow cake for my colorful little girlie.

my d was a little bit sick on her big day, but she did her best to enjoy the family festivities. she was tickled when we cut into her white cake with a skittles rainbow on top to discover a true rainbow inside.

and with watery eyes, a runny nose, and some coughs... my d determined to choose the sunny side of life. she was delightful- dancing around the room with her new apron (to help her momma make the rainbow cakes of the future, or course), practicing splits with her new ballet barbie, setting up pet shops and vowing to share all of her new toys with her older sister. it was a sight to see.

and to my d-

while i love watching you grow, i secretly admit that i will miss some things from your toddler hood. as your pronunciations become more clear, i often silently mourn the last time i will hear your little voice push out words like "beckbest" and "slumpy club". when you put your shoes on the wrong feet day after day (intentionally) i smile to myself because it is such a "d" thing to do and it brings you great joy. but lately, you've been wanting to get it right. sigh. the end of an era.

year two has been marked by chatter. your little head starts going the minute it lifts from the pillow and doesn't stop until we've said our darth vader version of "now i lay me". it leaves me tired and feeling a lot like i can't even squeeze a thought of my own into my head, but is beautiful none-the-less. it shows that you care about the world and your questions emphasize the giant sized thoughts that are going on in your mind. you are processing it all and leave nothing left unasked. you ask me when if i am breaking or pushing the gas pedal, where rain comes from and why clouds are in the sky. you aks about palm trees and wires running alongside of the road up in the sky. you ask about song lyrics and are very interesting in the meanings of words. you love wrapping your mind around them and then pushing them back into conversations later on. my favorite "d" phrase of the year is when you declared something to be "outrageous". i smile to myself when i think of it and never want to forget these moments. while your non-stop questioning tires me out, i try to imagine the teenage years and say silent prayers that you'll never stop talking to your dear ole' momma and sharing your thoughts and asking your questions.

and speaking of darth vader prayers, you have melted my heart this past year. as your momma struggled with how much to share with you about auntie stacy and her cancer experience, you have embraced each and every moment. because of your open heart, we've shared a great deal with you. each and every night, i find myself pushing back tears as you openly pray for her healing, for her strength, for her head not to be cold and for her kids to be absent of fear. you pray for uncle barclay and for grandy, that they would be strong and good helpers. i wonder how this will define you and if i could see into the future, i imagine that it has helped elevate your compassion. it has always been in you, but this has just taken it to the next level. for you my dear, i pray that you never loose the gift of caring and seeing other's needs. that is a special gift and i believe it will be a guiding force in your life, sweet girl.

i could go on and on about my d, but for now, i'll wrap it up. happy birthday, laney-lou. your momma and daddy are so in love with YOU.

a shell and a penny

grab a cup of coffee, curl up and get cozy because this one is going to be a long one.

it starts with a story that leads to another story that ends with a final story. it's that long.

the first part:

from the first day of my life to the present day, my mom has remained constant in one of her daily activities. she wakes early and spends time in The Word. after she does this, she goes for a walk. picture this. my mom walks with a cane and has since my birth. because of this, her shoulders hunch over a bit and her gaze is directed at the ground. she has to look down with each step that she takes, planting her cane carefully on the ground in a stable spot. as she walks each morning, she prays. my mom is prayerful about everything. everything! her morning walk is like a walk with a close friend. she gives her needs to the Lord and He meets with her each day during this time. i know this because of a cloth bound book that she has tucked into the side pocket of her desk. the book is filled with prayers that she has given over to God and then at the top of each page there is a penny taped down. these pennies are incredibly special to her. it is sort of her little love language with her Father. you see, as she has prayed over the years, looking down as she walks, she has found pennies along the way. to her, these pennies mark the moments when she has seen the hand of God in her life. there is a penny that marks the moving from new york to virginia. there is a penny that marks her prayers for my sister during a time when my sister lived with my dad. there is a penny that shows God's presence in the marital choices for her daughters. pennies for financial needs, pennies for emotional needs, pennies for missionaries in foreign countries... lots and lots of pennies. it is a beautiful illustration of how God knows us intimately and speaks to each of us in ways that are specific to our needs. my Father in heaven knew that my mom would be looking down and so somehow over the years He spoke into her heart and showed her that He values their time together each morning and that He is with her.

my sister highlighted this years ago and i am reminded of it frequently. when i see pennies on the ground i think of my mom. they aren't my pennies as this is not how God speaks to me, but they remind me that God knows me and that just as He met my mom in their time together, He is faithful and meets me in my own time with Him. i smile and find great comfort when i see a penny on the ground.

the second part:

this past spring my family took a trip to florida. last year my dad and scott's dad both bought homes in florida. we went to visit both of them (one on the atlantic side and the other on the gulf). the trip didn't go exactly how i had anticipated. while it was filled with some beautiful moments, this momma made some fatal mistakes in my planning. i had hoped that d could handle a big girl bed and that p would fall into a sleep rhythm that was compatible with the new time zone. neither of those things happened. and so the tone of the trip was set by sleeplessness. if you combine two very tired parents and three sleepless children, well, the sum is not pretty.

on the day that we were to travel home, i was spent. my hope for a restful and relaxing trip had not come into fruition. my desire to bask in the sun for just a few short hours in a lounge chair never happened. instead, i had circles under my eyes and was longing for a pair of ruby red slippers. on our last day there, i stood on the beach and tried to savor a moment with my girls. d was frolicking in the waves, p was eating sand and e was collecting shells. in spite of my tired, i took in the beauty of this scene. as i stood there, feeling very much alone, e handed me a shell. instead of placing it into her bucket like she had all the rest, she placed this one into my hand.

"mommy, isn't this one pretty?"

i looked down at what she had handed me. it was a piece of a shell with a small swirl of beige. there were no ridges on this shell, instead, this one had been worn down by the waves. i pictured it being beaten down over and over as it rolled back and forth with the tide. years of this caused the shell to become smooth.

i told e that this was such a special shell. she asked me to put it into the pocket of my rolled up pants. i obliged.

a few moments later, i looked down and there glistening in the sun was something unusual. it was a penny. the head of president lincoln had bubbled a bit and the entire surface of the coin was covered in tiny bits of sand. i smiled and thought of my mom. then i placed it into my pocket alongside the shell. as i continued to watch my girls play, my hands kept fingering these two objects. one smooth, the other rough.

as i tried to imagine what the rest of our day looked like... packing the bags back up, driving to the airport and then settling in for a long flight, i turned to prayer. as i prayed, i admit, i did some whining. i remember asking God, very much like a child, why does it have to be so hard. can't anything be easy, God? i remember thinking about going "home" to this rental house in california so very far away from everything that i had ever known. was that my "home" now? was i going to be a vagabond forever? would it feel like "home"? why was it all so unsettling? would i ever feel rested?

and just as i let that out, i fingered the coin and the shell again. in that moment my head swirled with thoughts that could only come from God.

those thoughts went something like this: tasha, that penny is a reminder. i am with you. i have been your whole life. feel those grits of sand and that swollen head of lincoln? that's evidence of that. for 34 years i have been with you in the storms of life. in the disappointments, in the challenges, in the celebrations and in the joy. even when it would seem impossible that i could stand by you- i stick to you and adhere myself to you. when you chose me to be your Lord, i said i would do that. those grits of sand stuck to a penny are evidence of that. and that shell? that shows you how in the hard i am doing a work in you. i am polishing you, smoothing out your rough edges, making you more like my image with each day. each crash in the waves is marked by these two things: i am with you and it is for a purpose.

tears sprang into my eyes and while i felt like i was certainly going to have to go through many more waves to be polished, smooth, Christ-like; i praised Him for being there. i celebrated in knowing that my Father could put a shell and a penny into my pocket and direct my eyes towards Him. and suddenly, in a moment where i had felt very alone, i knew that i was being carried.

the final part:

i came home from florida and put that penny and that shell on my dresser. i had anticipated telling that story on my blog as soon as i could get home and take a picture of them. but somehow a few days passed and it just didn't happen. a few months later, i got around to taking a picture of them. i uploaded it and then went on to write about it. but something just didn't feel right. i kept feeling like the story wasn't ready to be told. maybe it wasn't finished?

eventually i moved them to a spot next to my laptop. they sat there for months. i looked at them from time to time, but it was as if the moment was lost. it was as if i just couldn't feel the essence of the experience anymore. maybe it wasn't worth retelling.

and then last week, i picked them up. i was cleaning up my kitchen for a party and wanted to move them to a safer spot. it just so happened that as i was moving them an email came in on my laptop from my realtor. the email contained some information about our closing, walk through etc. on the home that we were about to purchase. with the penny and the shell in my hand, i read the email.

and then i paused, fingering the objects once again.

it was another beautiful moment. you see, it was if God was showing me... tasha, remember what i spoke into your heart? do you remember the waves and my presence? i knew then that i would walk this path with you. i knew that you needed to be a vagabond in california to feel the full appreciation for what i am blessing you with. sure, you could have just moved from house to house and not had to go through this waiting period. but then, you wouldn't have seen me in the same way. you wouldn't have known that My hand is the hand that guides you and that My plan far better than any other.

i smiled. isn't God so good? He knows each of us so well, and this should come as no surprise as He is the hand that formed us. from the dust (or pebbles of sand) he formed us all and breathed life into us. and for each of us, He has a plan.

and so today, with a penny and a shell in my pocket, i have been handed the keys to my new home. the very home we had stopped looking for, the very home we weren't going to look at, the one that we were terrified to write an offer on... the short sale that got back to us in two weeks, the inspection that went better than we could have imagined... the details all worked out by the same God that knew this all way back when scott and i sat around a fire pit in michigan and said, "should we do this? are we open to moving to california?"

the same God that planted a baby in my belly just weeks before we took our first home buying trip to the east bay, the same God that walked me through the car accident of my mom that almost caused us to say... "no way, we can't do this". He knew. He walked with us. He went before us.

and while on this journey i have certainly rebelled. i have certainly cried out, "i don't want to do this!"... He has peppered that road with friendships, with smiles, with little assurances that He is very much caring for our every need.

today, it is clear, on this earth i am very much a vagabond. but a vagabond with a great travel agent- the agent that plans my stay in each and every spot where we land. today i land in this house and know that it is certain that my time in the waves is not over. but one thing is also for sure- He knows me, loves me and will never forsake me. not even in the waves.

welcome home.

the tale of a wee little piggy

my baby

is turning into a toddler.

i don't know what it is, but my sitter sent me this picture last friday and i haven't looked at my p-nut the same way since. she just looks so... so, grown. i'm not sure how pig-tails can catapult a child into a new era, but i'm here to say, they do!

sweet p, in your first piggy-tails ever, you are the twinkle in your momma's eye, the song in my heart, the crows feet coming from my eyes and the dimple in my smile. (just kidding there on number 3... well, not really but it is with such joy that i wear those stinkin' facial adornments...)

lest you think i was missing in action...

nope, not missing! just enjoying the season...

i had such high hopes of rhyming out this post to the tune of the 12 days of christmas. regrettably, my clever thoughts have ceased. currently, i am just happily pooped from all this celebrating.



we've had a very busy, action packed month. i think it is fair to say, we've been engaged in this joyous holiday season.



at the beginning of the month we participated in our first hanukkah celebration. my friend and babysitter, laura, invited our family to celebrate with her family. we lit the candles, enjoyed good food and played a little game of dreidel. i loved this start to our very celebratory month. it was so beautiful to see this young couple starting to create their own "family" traditions. we were blessed by them and delighted to be invited to share in the miracle of the oil with them.

also early in the month, scott and i traveled to sonoma to visit my dear friend stephanie. she and her husband were vacationing here for a few days and included us in their time away from home. we lunched, tasted wine, enjoyed some fabulous scenery and savored our time together.

and then there was some celebrating to kick off opening day of candy cane lane. gathering with friends, taking in the light displays presented by each home owner on this quaint street, enjoying tasty treats and watching the kiddos get caught up in the excitement of the season was great fun.

e, d and i took in a viewing of the nutcracker at the bankhead theater. watching d observe her first live stage performance was entertaining. it was especially fun to see her recognize the music from her own ballet class (where they've been working on their own little performance). her eyes lit up and she yelled for all of the theater to hear, "momma, that's MY song that I dance to!" e, an old pro at stage performances, but new to the ballet was also in awe. she loved how she could follow along in spite of the lack of words.

and then we took in a super fun holiday party with face painters, balloon artists, performing christmas trees, nutcracker characters and a little seat on santa's lap.

a few days later, i was delightfully entertained by d's rendition of the nutcracker. you can only imagine how much this little lady and a certain momma enjoyed this day. initially, i was a little miffed when the teacher suggested that siblings not attend (pushing me into a babysitter scramble) but after 45 minutes of undivided attention directed at my middle daughter, i became unmiffed. she soaked up the attention, while i enjoyed giving it. note to self, this little muffin needs more time with her momma without any distraction. i forget that sometimes. this was a beautiful reminder.

and then there was a cookie exchange with some of my most favorite people in this pleasant town of pleasanton.

and the celebrations ended with a delightful tea at mops (mothers of preschoolers). it has been a good month so far, and thankfully, the festivities aren't over yet.

it's a BIG day

today is a BIG day! i've been waiting for it and praying for it for years. but not as much as this girl...


readers, meet leslie. i've talked about her before. once when i put a bottle of bubbly into my fridge and once when i took it out to toast with her.

i could go on and on about this woman, but instead of gushing about her, today i am going to gush with her. as i write, she is up in the air headed for ethiopian soil. that's right, my dear sweet friend left today and will fly through the night (making a few stops) to end up in ethiopia tomorrow evening. she is on the journey of a lifetime.

she and her equally fantastic hubby (for real, he was an urban education legend in chicago and now is the principal of a school in iowa) are about to meet their new daughter. baby girl is about to meet her momma and daddy for the first time. i tingle and tear up as i write that. momma and daddy are about to meet their daughter. sniffle, sniffle. can i get a tissue, please?

if you are a praying type, please join me in praying for them. you see, they get to meet her, they get to hold her and then they have to leave her. i almost can't stand it. after they meet sweet baby girl, they go before the judge, possibly meet members from baby girl's family and then they come back home to wait some more. a few weeks after this initial appointment, they will do it all over again to pick her up.

at home in iowa, are their two sweet boys, oliver and eli. they are waiting just as patiently in the care of their grandparents.

i can't do justice to how i feel about all of this, but let me just say that i am ecstatic, anxious, sweaty palmed, teary...

cue a story that i suggested i would share with you a long time ago but never got around to until right now- i am part of an email based prayer group. excuse me, what?

well, you see a few years ago, back when e was a babe i was part of a bible study at my church in chicago. it was an unusual group as our church was filled with lots of young people. in fact, the majority of the 200 or so people that attended the church were singles. eventually, those singles married, and eventually those marrieds had babies. i was the momma to baby 5 or 6 in the whole church. i'm not kidding. anyways, it wasn't your typical church and certainly not the typical bible study. we were all new moms and we were all trying to figure the whole thing out together, with God. at the end of year one, our little group grew from 6 moms to 14 moms. and from there it continued to grow. about the time i moved to the burbs, several of the other moms that i was close with moved to other places as well. a few of them remained in the city. but the common factor was that we missed each other. for about 2 1/2 years we had studied the word together, played together, prayed together, celebrated birthdays, shared the births of subsequent children... basically, we did life together. it was beautiful. and then it all changed. we found ourselves missing each other a great deal.

after a while a few of us came up with a plan. we decided that we needed to find a way to keep up with each other regularly and that we missed knowing that we were being covered in prayer each week. that was the birth of the on-line prayer group. and so now, 3 1/2 years later, we pray together via email. each week we send out a little update and our current praises and prayers. we compile the list, send it out with a typed prayer and then commit to praying for each other throughout the week. it is a gift beyond measure.

leslie is part of that group. and so for me, this isn't just my friend getting to meet her daughter, this is my friend who has intimately invited me into her God story. i've been blessed with the opportunity to see the entire story unfold, week by week, year by year. as leslie rejoices at how far God has brought them from taking those first steps and anxiously awaits the day she gets to lay baby girl's little body into her already linened crib, i get to participate.

and it's funny, because anytime that i wonder about the mystery of prayer, i think of sweet leslie. i think of baby girl. i see how God let me in on that story and how mathew 18:19 plays out...

when two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my father in heaven goes into action. and when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that i'll be there. (the message translation)

because of my participation in this journey, i not only get to rejoice with leslie, but i also get to rejoice with my Father. in addition, i get this confidence in the power of prayer. from what i've seen, i know that prayer isn't always met with the answer we want or the path that we might have chosen, but God is always there. it has also been clear to me that His answer and His path is always better than anything we might imagine.

and so tonight, i ask you if you would join me in the mystery and beauty of prayer. my sweet leslie hates to fly. seriously. i'm also pretty sure that the caretakers at the orphanage might have to break leslie's hands in order to get baby girl back. i can feel her heart break for the family that is giving her this gift of life. i can feel her nerves as she stands before a judge and pledges to care for this child. i can feel her ache as she misses her boys back home. that's a lot of praying, but i'm confident that the God who planted the seed to adopt in leslie and jake's head, the God who walked them down this path, the God that chose this baby girl for these parents and siblings, that God... He's listening and He'll be there.

i'll cry if i want to

i keep taking video clips of my girls to share with ya'll, but trust me when i say they don't turn out well. the phone rings, the doorbell chimes, the un-videod child interupts... or what have you.

you know, like this: