when i was in highschool, we had an assembly where they brought in this guitarist/folk singer. he sang songs and told stories and was every bit of amazing. i fell in love with his music almost at first strum. he sang songs like "rusty old american dream", "top of the roller coaster" and "last chance waltz". they are part of the anthem of my teenage years.
while living in chicago, it was brought to my attention that he would be playing on a local stage. weirdly, a dear friend of mine (who grew up in south africa), also loved him. we made arrangements to go see him together, with our husbands and a bunch of my friend's cousins.
while driving into the city to meet the group, scott and i had an epic fight. we were in the middle of that yucky place in marriage where couples can find themselves... disconnected, angry, frustrated, feeling unheard/unloved/underappreciated... the list of adjectives to describe that place is long. too long. but we went to the concert, sat with our friends and listened. i cried through most of the lyrics and resented him for not loving/engaging in my thing.
afterwards we went to dinner and ate stinky cheese. kristy remembers the cheese and has referenced it often over the years (the waitress described it as "smelling like a cow pasture". legit. this happened.). and every time she does, i smile, remember the cheese, and then remember the hard part. the part she didn't know about at the time.
shortly after that concert, scott and i found a therapist. we were in a valley. it sucked.
week after week, we paid a sitter and sat on a couch with a therapist that kept saying, "you guys are funny. you are going to be fine. you've got a handle on this."
i hated that he thought we were awesome, but i also am thankful. his belief in us is part of our success.
and over the course of a few months i learned that scott was in it for the staying. with two sets of divorced parents on our hands, i had a really hard time believing this. i wanted a marriage that could go the distance. i did. but i also didn't believe that it was a guarantee. marriage was hard. really, really hard.
over time, with tools from our therapist, we climbed out of the valley.
and then we went through the birth of another child, a move to california, another bar exam (ugh), a long commute and the stripping of our friends/community/support system.
and we were right back in that place again. the valley. again, it sucked.
one morning my sisters called me and said something to the effect of, "hey, we want to come alongside. we want to just pray for you guys each week. with you. on the phone."
and for several weeks, we began this weekly phone call of prayer. and heather and stacy prayed for my marriage. it was super weird and yet everything that i needed at that time.
as a person who passionately believes in prayer, i had just never wanted to surrender this thing, this marriage to my father god... in spite of the fact that i believed God could glue it back together. i know. weird. but for me, i was raised to be a "can do" girl. my life story was "gonna figure this out"and "fiercely independent". not super congruent with my beliefs in God but also survival strategies that had served me well. until they didn't. because independence and marriage just don't jive.
week after week, i struggled to surrender to God. i failed to yield and get out of the way. my "fix it" and scott's "fix it" would be enough. and then it wasn't.
and ten years after THAT, we found ourselves in a similar hard patch. and in the hard we have learned that marriage therapy is our jam. seriously. every few years, we need someone to affirm our trials and give us tools that will move us forward.
but 17 years into that story, i have learned more about us than i knew at the beginning. scott is here for the long haul. i never really believed that. my dad left. his dad left. i had a failed engagement. his mom never believed we would end up together. so many doubts in my head and i projected them all onto him.
wrongfully.
and as i wrap my head around the fact that the buse is in it for the staying and the stuff beneath the surface- no matter what. i am also aware that this song goes so much deeper.
i try to hide all of this from my father.
the god that knows all of it because he wrote the story. isn't that funny? how interesting that we try to conceal all of our deepest secrets from the one that knows each and every part?
and so as we rock into 2020, i have to reflect and i have to wonder... have you given God the hard part? have you surrendered your deepest crevices? are you willing to let Him heal them? He knows them already, regardless of your posture, and He wants to redeem them.
"go to your darkest place and i will meet you there. you've got a whole heart. give me the hard part. i can love that too."
my life story tells me that this is truth. scott loves me in spite of my hard parts (so many) and my father God loves me in spite of them, too.
the buse and i saw david wilcox in concert a few weeks ago and three songs in, he sang my jam. he sounds just as good now as he did so many years ago. his lyrics are transformative.
i love that Scott and i have a story with "hard parts" and i love that we have navigated them together.
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