Visual History

my momma has always been an advocate for living with visual history.  by that, i (she) mean(s) filling your surroundings with things that remind you of where you came from, what you value, and what brings you joy (cue Marie kondo).  as a result, she has spent the better part of the past 20 years gifting my sisters and i with things from our childhood, family history and hometown that have meaning to us.

because of my momma's intentionality, when i walk through my home on the daily, i am flooded with things that are familiar and part of my history.  i love this.  and as i decorate my adult home, i use this as my compass for what gets space and what needs to go.  joy...  yes.  induces happy memories...  of course.  reminds me of where i came from... almost always.  chatchke crap from target...  a hard no (almost always).

ten years ago, on september 11th, i moved with my peeps to p-town.

but let me back up.

when e was born i met this group of mommas.  we had babies in the same era.  we bonded.  our kiddos bonded.  we loved Jesus.  we navigated breast feeding and sex-after-childbirth and sleep-training strategies together. we talked strollers and preschools and the lures of the suburbs.

eventually, most of us moved to the burbs.

just before my departure from il to ca, my friend veronica hosted a good-by dinner for me.  we assembled at her suburban home (which was one town over from my suburban home) and ate brie and lemon pie and all-the-things-tasha loves.  it was a table of my people.  the ones that know my raw, vulnerable, new momma, ugly cry, "how can i even do this", self.

going into the dinner i knew that even though they thought this dinner was for me, it was also for them.  it was an opportunity for me to just show them how much i appreciated the roles they played in my life and thank them for every single second of my "find myself as a new mom" and "grow into myself" as i could.  i never felt judged.  i always felt loved.  i was accepted and appreciated and tolerated for each and every bit of loco-crazy that i brought to the new-momma table.  these were my people and i HAD to thank them.

but how do you do that?  i went to hobby lobby and i bought them all crystal hearts.  i don't know.  it's  cliche and weird and not super creative.  but that is what i did.

at that dinner, we sat around veronica's table and i gave them their hearts.  they probably don't even remember it.  but i remember it.  i told them that they were like crystal to me and they had a special place in my heart. no-one would ever walk through history in the same way that they had with me. and i wouldn't do that with anyone else either.  i cherished them and loved them and had grown with them in ways that would never happen again.

and not a minute before i finished giving my toast, my friend brooke stood up and challenged each of the women to pray for me and to pray that God would bless me with friendship each and every time they look at that crystal heart.

fun fact- brooke never specified  prayeing for "christ following friends".  she simply said "friendships".

this is a nuance that i didn't notice until years later.

i moved to california.  we lived in a rental for close to two years.  God brought us to the house we live in now (a story for another day) and we unpacked those boxes to create a home for our kiddos.

the crystal heart hangs in my kitchen/family room to this day and the pic from my going-away party is on the shelf in my office.

visual history.

i think of these friendships each and every day.  they are a part of me.  their influence defined me as a mother.  it is my navigation system as a christ-follower.  it is my core.

but...

a few years ago, i had a moment.  i was all-in with the church i was attending.  i was leading this and leading that and teaching this and praying for that...  and it was my identity.  ugh and beauty collided.  when thing and roles become your identity...  well... that's never amazeballs.

and one day, God said to me, 'nope.  not.  stop it.  give it up.'

it didn't make a whole lot of sense.  really, it didn't.  but i listened and obeyed. and thankfully, the buse was on board with God's plan.

and the next few years unfolded into something so beautiful.  instead of my time being filled up with service towards the church, my time became richly filled with people.  friendships evolved and time cleared up where my heart had nothing to do but love.  and this love that i had time for grew and manifested in relationships with individuals and causes and organizations that fostered the heart of Jesus- caring for humanity in tangible ways and being in relationships.

if i am honest, i will say that i missed my role in the church.  knowing and loving Jesus was still a strong part of my core- but i had to fight more to hear His voice and maintain direction.  i had some epic lows where i questioned the whole thing.

"God- i am for you. why is this so hard?  why are you against me?  my have you taken me out of community with other people who want to live like i do and why do i give way to gross behavior so easily?"

and then a year ago, my sweet sister started praying that i would make connections with women that loved Jesus.  hmmm- brooke never specified that part.

and suddenly, it all transformed.  i started to discover these two friendships unfolding with women who loved Christ.  and then those friendships unfolded to new people and then another group of people....

and here i am today.

God's funny.  His sense of humor is not lost on me.

i needed each part of this journey.  each part of his provision.  each person he put in my path.

i marvel at how important each heart is to my heart. i love the Jesus loving ones and the ones that don't know him or call him Father all the same.  they all have been this amazing answer to prayer- brooke's (and my chicago peeps) prayer and my sister's prayer.

and as i walk through my home, ten years later....

TEN YEARS!

i marvel at the plan.  the purpose.  the value.  the intent. each and every soul that i have encountered is part of a story.  my story.  significant.  of worth.  with purpose.

and it all started way before i every knew or imagined.  and it started with a spirit of prayer towards the future from veronica who wanted to send me off with encouragement and brooke who invited God into the story.






and then this happened...

my sister heather and i were on the phone.  she started telling me about this adorable girl she had met and how she felt so connected to her and as if God had appointed her to that person (I think that is the word she used).  her story was exciting and she went on to tell me how this relatively new friend had just won tickets to meet carrie underwood and how excited she was for her.  she had helped katie rock out a styling outfit earlier to wear to the concert. in the retelling, heather mentioned that she won the tickets because "katie was a beach-body girl and had lost over 90 pounds."

i heard beach-body and immediately thought of one of my new very prayed for peep, kendra (specifically petitioned for to God by my sister heather).  i asked out loud if it was possible that Katie knew Kendra.  heather and i giggled and said, "no way".  meanwhile i texted kendra.

"hey- do you know a Katie ... in mt. pleasant?"

not a second passes and the three little texting dots pop up followed by, "yes! she is one of my best friends.  why?"

and i nearly lost it.

and i replied..., "stop it!  my sister has been praying with her and connecting with her in mt. pleasant."

you guys!  you can't make this stuff up.

i hung up with my sister immediately and told her i had to facetime kendra.  i did and she and i sat there on the phone in tears.  you see, she told me that she had been praying for some time that katie would meet someone who would walk through the spiritual life with her.

my sister.

kendra had been praying for my sister.  and petitioning God for her to come into katie's life.  stop it.  is that even real?

and heather had been praying for kendra.  petitioning God for her to come into my life.

and my super cool God, who weaves the craziest, coolest stories together answered both of those prayers... from mt. pleasant, sc to Pleasanton, ca (seriously- we live in very pleasant towns).

brooke's prayer was heard and i am so every thankful for the women in my life who god has abundantly blessed me with.  kendra's prayer was answered and katie and heather are going to rock it out in mt. pleasant.  heather's prayer was answered and kendra and i are going to rock it out in pleasanton.

can i get an a-men?  i mean, for realz, JC!  you knocked it out of the park with this one!

katie- i have no idea what outfit you are going to rock out this weekend at carrie underwood, but have a blast sweet friend.  i cannot wait to meet you!  already, you have a special place in my heart.

and kendra, brooke and heather- my prayer warriors!  thank you.  thank you for letting me see a god that loves me so much that he delights me with his creativity and details and passion for connection.

blown away.

i cannot wait to collect the visual history when the 4 of us get together for the first time.

good vibes and my girl

in the last few years i have been an observer of some phrasing that has made me go, "hmmmm....".  i have observed peeps who have mentioned, "send good vibes for me", and heard peeps say, "fingers crossed" or "peop" (positive energy only please).  people talk about karma and joo joo and mallery.  it has confused me.  not because i don't want to understand, but because i just don't really know where "vibes" go or how "energy" controls things.

a few months ago, d and i were in the car together going somewhere.  we were mid-conversation about something and in an effort to express her hopefulness, she said, "knock on wood".

i silently cringed.

d, maybe having sensed my "energy" asked me if i believed in luck.

"no, girlie.  not so much.  i don't know what luck really means.  it feels fake and pie-in-the-sky and placing your hope in something that isn't real or tangible or true."

d, without skipping a beat, said, "mom!  i agree!  everyone says, good luck and knock on wood and good vibes and all sorts of other things that don't make sense."

"girlie.  this is a hard one.  i mean, i get what the intent is.  it's to ward off the bad that could be around the bend or to keep the positive rolling.  but i don't believe that comes from 'knocking on wood'.  i think that is from Jesus. and prayer."

d replied, "i agree mom, but it is a hard habit to break. and everybody else says it.  but i don't like saying it because it is silly.  from now on, let's just say, 'knock on Jesus'.  and it will be like a reminder to pray."

and so for the better part of the summer, every time d would have a hope or anticipation for something good, she'd say, 'knock on Jesus' and then she and i would quickly pray about whatever the situation was.

it might sound just as silly as "knocking on wood" or "sending good vibes" (to whom and why?), but it has reminded d and i to pray.  it has been a good moment to declare where our hope comes from and how His plans are made perfect.

because i am a curious person, i looked up some of these phrases with hopes that "knocking on wood" and "fingers crossed" might have a spiritual connection to the cross (fingers crossed...  wood... you know related to the cross...).

turns out.  they don't

they all have a connection to spirits, and universal energy (that doesn't come from god) and evil spirits.

not a fan.

not who i want in my corner.

not who i believe controls my hope or my future...

and so as for me, d and my peeps... we are going to "knock on jesus".  bringing our cares before him and welcoming no others.

d's heart makes me smile.  she thinks in such a fun creative way.  never ever would  i have thought of "knock on jesus" but from this point forward, i will smile every time i am reminded of luck or vibes or good thoughts.  and every time, i will turn my thoughts into prayer.

pops

for the last ten years, the buse and i have been putting pops to bed with a prayer and a song.  every.  single.  night.

the older two had similar routines but started rejecting the song somewhere around kinder.  pops, held out strong.  she wanted the song.

on most nights, it's jesus loves me.  some nights it's a song about the old crow and other nights it's a bubbles song from the gymboree days.  occasionally we throw in a song about noah or the three jolly fishermen...  but if she has her pick, it's jesus loves me.

pops is my youngest.  the baby.  she likes her role.  i like her role. her sisters give me a hard time for letting her be a baby for so long.  as her mom, i am also aware that i have a role in helping to nudge her out of the nest when her inclination is to huddle down in.  ultimately, i want her to grow up and be strong and empowered and confident.  sometimes you have to give them the push- even when you just want to keep them snug as a bug and safe in the comfort of your own arms.

the nightly tuck-tuck with pops was starting to get out of hand.  we'd send her to get ready for bed and tell her we'd be up in five.  five minutes later we would get upstairs for the singing and the praying.  she would be barely ready.  twenty minutes later she'd be situated in bed for the tuck routine.  it was getting exhausting.  we tried to crack down and she got better.  eventually the twenty minute delay became a ten minute delay or on a good day, five.  and then it went backwards. we had a chat with her about her timeline and attention to directions and procrastination techniques...  we also told her that we were omitting the song.

she nearly lost it.

in an effort to prep her, we told her that part of the reason was because of time constraints and that the other part was that she was getting a little old for the toddler bedtime routine.  we gave her six months.  at ten, we were going to drop the singing.  we'd still tuck.  we'd still pray.  but momma and daddy were wrapping up their vocal careers and retiring the song.

my heart broke a little bit.  but as i said, this was a "nudge from the nest" moment.  the time had come.

last night was the last night of her ninth year.  we sang all the songs.  all of them.  not just one.  not just bubbles or jesus loves me...  but a sampling of the favorites from the years of singing.  we giggled and snuggled and loved every minute.

today she is ten.  double digits.  the end of my nightclub tuck-tuck singing gig.

at ten, my girl is still as silly as ever.  she has the greatest group of friends that a momma could hope for, loves swimming and lacrosse and dancing, hates most fruits, refuses to try juice of any sorts, is still as finicky as ever about how her clothing feels, continues to rock the uggs nearly year round, has an artistic passion for clay making. she spends way too many hours a day on her iPad, has the kindest heart towards friend and stranger alike (literally- she nearly cried the other day when on an outing and ran across a homeless man- asking me for whatever money i had on hand to give him), loves to snuggle, loves to read but not when forced upon her, is willing to try new things on her own terms (she surfed for the first time this summer and rocked out a swim with sea turtles- not sure she would have done that a year ago...). she is careful in her decision making process and evaluates all the angles, and has developed a strong passion for soccer (trying out for competitive soccer this season and playing goalie for the first time). she still sometimes hides behind my leg around strangers and loves her sisters and daddy fiercely.  i could not be more proud of her and can hardly believe that my "baby" is about to start the fifth grade.

happy birthday, baby bird.  momma's not ready for all of this growing up!

jealous

on thursday mornings, i have the pleasure of attending a mother's group at my church.  today, i had the pleasure of standing at the front door and welcoming each mom with a rose.  we thought it would be fun, since our meeting fell on actual valentines day, to greet the mommas with a rose.

confession:  my husband spoils me with flowers.  fact.  i get bouquets on the regular.  maybe so regular that the joy of receiving them has sort of worn off.  it's not that i don't love flowers.  i do.  i very much, do!  it's just that it has become part of my normal.  i forget that this is a special thing and that it is not something that every man does.  if i am honest, i might sometimes neglect to appreciate the fact that i am married to a man that shows his love to me through flowers.

but today, as i stood there, greeting mommas with roses, i saw delight in their eyes.  it dawned on me, that for many, this was their rose.  this was the flower they would get today.  and for many, it brought joy.  being remembered and "specialed" meant something to them.  it made me happy.

i stood just inside the entrance after the program had begun, so that i could be sure to catch the mommas that might arrive late.  worship began, and with my fist filled with roses, i began to sing.

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

i have sung this song many, many, many times.  but for some reason, maybe because of the roses in my hand, a memory from my childhood popped into my mind.

he is jealous for me 

my grandfather and my grandmother had known one another since elementary school.  the story they told me was that my grandmother lacked interest in my grandfather for years.  she went off to college and my grandfather went off to college.  he was interested in her the whole time, but it wasn't until he came home from college that she began to give in to his relentless pursuit.  i can literally still hear her say something to the effect of, "well...  i realized he wasn't going to give up, so i decided to give him a chance."  

and they lived happily ever after.

i mean it.  in spite of the challenges that life is certain to give everyone, they literally loved and cherished one another dearly.  

when he would give her roses, which he did frequently, he would given her a dozen red for love and one yellow for jealousy.  he always wanted to remind her that he was jealous for her.  

literally- he was telling her symbolically that he was so happy that she was his person.  he was jealous for her!  

and as i sang this song this morning, the memory illuminated my heart and my mind.  that... THAT is the kind of love our Father has for US.  

HE IS JEALOUS FOR ME.

and when i lack interest or play hard to get or whatever it is that i might do to distance myself from God...  he is jealous for me. he longs to be "my person".  and just like my grandfather relentlessly pursued my grandmother, God relentlessly pursues us.  

He relentlessly pursues YOU.  He longs for you to know him, choose him and give your life to him.

and just like i can be prone to take my husband's flower giving for granted...  i can often find myself taking that jealous love from a Heavenly Father who pursues me with His hurricane like force love for granted.

with a fist full of roses, a memory of two people who demonstrated love so well in my mind and a heart in the posture of worship, my heart filled up with joy.  i am so thankful to be reminded that my Father loves ME like THAT.  

seriously- look at the picture of my grandparents.  i can't even count the number of times that i saw him look at her like that.  his look said it all. he loved her.  he cherished her.  she was HIS and he could not be more joyful.

God feels that way about you.  and about me.  

that my friends, is love.  and each one of us has the ability to receive love just like that.