more than i can handle

i am a momma with a teenager.  my teenager is a girl.

enough said.

i am struggling.  it is hard to play the role of navigator, therapist, and life-coach to an often un-willing recipient.  i want to show her the way and coax her into her beautiful self.  but the trouble is, self doesn't always yield.  sometimes, self sticks in their heels and pivots and rejects and spews hatefulness.  and as a mum, it is my job to accept, parent, absorb and lean in.  i am called to train and to discipline exactly this.

my flesh doesn't want to discipline or lean in all of the time.  often, i find myself wanting to do the exact opposite of what i know to be nurturing mum behavior and call out her yucky behavior.  i want to let her teenage self know that she doesn't, in fact, know it all.  i want her to know that I HAVE BEEN THERE.  i have rocked out the teenage years and being selfish and self-righteous and prideful isn't going to flesh out exactly as she hopes it might.

and yet, because i have been there, i KNOW that doing so isn't going to be a relationship-building choice.  the easy, lack-of-self-control-lash-out, will feel good for less than half a second.  but the patient, question asking, heart seeking, conversation-moving-forward, understanding, loving behavior that i need to exhibit is found in the hard.

lots of Jesus loving peeps love to say, (and i have been guilty of it myself), "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

for the beginning stages of the motherhood, i truly clung to that.  it is derived partially from my life-verse that God wrote on my heart years ago in chicago.

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -jeremiah 29:11

and yet, today, as i thought about it, i realized that it is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what i know to be true of my God.  He will ALWAYS give you more than you can handle.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

TIME.

and He doesn't do it to drown you.  He does it so that you are forced to CLING to HIM.

CLING.

if i got as close as i possibly could to my "ledge" and handled it, without HIM, i would walk away thinking that I was the rock star.  i would believe:

i got this.

ain't no thing.

challenge accepted.

boom goes the dynamite.

killin' it in the motherhood.




but the thing is, that isn't where the God of the universe wants us.  He wants us to be in relationship with HIM.  He wants us to be in community with HIM.  He longs for us to seek HIS face.

and we do that best when we are out of our league...  when we have just a little bit more than we thought we could handle.

THAT is the exact place where we can EXPECT HIM to be right here by our side.



this weekend was a tough one with my girl.  she is good.  so good.  but she is pushing her boundaries with me at every move.  i give.  she wants more.  i say no.  she demands the why.

it can be draining.

and so very often, i try to handle all of this on my very own.  God is over there.  i am here.  my girl is on the other side.  He is near me, but i haven't invited him in.

and then on sunday, i realized something so very simple.  i need to invite Him into this story.

i do not have this.

it is a big thing.

i don't like this challenge.

i feel like I have been blown up by the dynamite.

i am drowning in the motherhood.

and as quick as i asked, i felt a softness sweep over me.  and in my softness, i mothered more kindly.  i sought her heart.  and in doing so, i can only pray, that she sees Jesus.

thank you God, for giving me just a little bit more than i can handle and for reminding me that leaning on you is the place of peace and influence and movement.