ten

my middle girl cannot possibly be turning 10!  say it ain't so!

but somehow it is very true.  as i write this, west coast time on the 26th of december, it is the exact hour in the central time zone that scott and i headed for the hospital ten years ago.

time goes by too fast.

as i usually do on this birth-versary, i re-read my birth story of d.

and ten years later, i marvel that her way into the world is very congruent with who she is today.  my d is easy.  she wants little fuss or fanfare. she doesn't want to be the center of anything but often, because of her joy, finds herself getting noticed.

while i know that a newborn has no control over their infancy, it is interesting to me that my d, always one to sacrifice her own needs for the needs of those around her, went right to sleep after she was born.  intrinsically, she knew her momma needed sleep, and she yielded to give me what i needed instead of getting fussy about the business of being alive.  i remember vividly the nurse coming in to check my vitals several hours later, waking me from a slumber.  i was in disbelief as i looked over to discover that on my queen birthing bed were my new d and my scooter seriously engaged in the business of sleep.  i worried for a moment that something was wrong, reaching over to touch my beanie clad newborn's heart.  all was well.  we slumbered for a bit longer and then woke to start the business of day one with this precious babe.

at ten, my girl is rocking strong.  she is a leader- not in a trailblazing way but in a tone setting way.  she can set the tone of a room.  her buy-in matters to her peers and she tries hard to go with the vibe that is best for the group.  if she doesn't buy in, she waits until safely in the confidence of her momma to express her discontent.  she goes to great lengths to keep the peace.

she despises drama.  this girl, would happily shrug off just about anything instead of engaging in mess.  she has opinions about everything.  i mean everything.  but she won't share them in a negative or hurtful way.  when girls get nasty, she tries to encourage.  if that doesn't work, she finds new girls.

she knows how to yield.  she will sacrifice self in ways that astonish me.

she is still silly.  she still has a belly laugh that can evoke giggles from just about anyone in earshot. she has a heart for the hurting and doesn't tolerate anything mean spirited.  she calls that out quick.

she is willing to try many a thing, but when she found her THING, she was also willing to sacrifice lots of other things she loved to do that ONE thing (dance).  it is hard to shell out cash for kid's activities.  however, this kid embraces it in ways that i can't comprehend.  she doesn't complain, she works hard, she appreciates.  dance is her jam and she rocks that out with tenacity.

she loves tradition, making her favorite people smile (currently i am still one of them), loves giggles with her sisters, quality time with her dad and organization.  she REALLY likes order in her world.  she frequently offers life-hacks that she has seen on you-tube and is always on the ready to help.  if i need help with a project or cleaning or errands...  she's my sidekick.  she likes to cook and expand her  culinary palette, willing and ready to try just about anything.

but like all kids, she has some setbacks.  do not make baby girl late.  she can't do it.  a bad hair day is the real thing around here.  call on her when she doesn't know the answer- she doesn't like it.  an outfit that doesn't work, d-bugs can come unglued...  fast.  looking for things is not a skill she has mastered.  literally- it can be right in front of her and she just can't see it.  it is a true disability.

as i look at her, i anticipate her next few years.  i can only hope that she will cling to the joy that she possesses and rock out her best self.  i hope that she will continue to despise drama and cling to selflessness and self-confidence.  i pray that she continues to love Jesus, her family and doing what is right.

happy happy, d-bugs!  we love you ALL THE LOVES.

gratitude

everyday at 3:20 an alarm goes off on my phone.  the alarm is labeled gratitude bell.  if you are with me when it goes off, i tell you about it and then ask you what you are grateful for.  my kids, who are typically with me at this time of day, know the drill.  their friends know it as well.  the guy at gene's fine foods knows it.  every guest at joanne's birthday bash knows it...  it is sort of a thing.

i got the idea from my ever thinking and always intentional friend, sally.  she has a lot of good ideas.

my phone has been forcing this tradition on everyone within earshot of its ring for a little under a year.  the answers range from simple things, like "pretzels", to big things, like "cancer free".  it depends on who is responding and how they feel at the moment.  sometimes the answers are forced, like when the bell interrupts an argument with my teenager, and sometimes they are very thought out, like when sitting with a group of gal-pals on a get-away to carmel.

my middle daughter was born with a grateful heart.  recently, she came up with a song slightly mimicking a tune from the movie "annie".  the lyrics are simple so it won't translate as well on the page as it does in person, but it goes like this...

"mommy, i love you.  daddy, i love you.  mommy, i love you.  daddy, i love you..."  and it goes on for a few repetitions.  she has been erupting into this song as of late when the mr. and i are together with her doing some sort of family centered thing.

this weekend she broke into the song while playing monopoly and again while hiking, grabbing both of our hands and singing the sweet melodic tune.  poppy has caught the feeling and often jumps in and sings along.

9 years ago, on thanksgiving night, my momma was hit by a car.  it sort of changed a lot of things for her.  and for me.  and especially for my sister.

to get a smidge of perspective on what that weekend following thanksgiving looked like in 2008 click this link and then come back (it's short, i promise)

Sandy: 2008

yesterday, the fam and i arose early and headed up to santa rosa to go to safari west.  earlier in october, i had read this story.

if you don't want to read the link, (although, i really think you should.  it is that incredible!), the summary is that the safari owner, who lives in santa rosa, stayed behind and fought the tubbs fire through the night to save the animals.  he didn't lose a single one.  he saved 900 animals as his property was being encroached upon from many different angles by an angry fire.  in the process, he lost his family home.

when i read this story and then read that they were re-opening thanksgiving week, i HAD to go.  that is a business i MUST support.

as we exited the highway and took the winding roads towards safari west, my eyes were in disbelief.  we passed property after property of proudly standing fireplace chimneys amidst piles of rubble.  on some of the properties you could see burnt up car frames,  the shell of an appliance, a melted carport...  and our jaws dropped and our hearts ached.

you can read about devastation and disaster, and that can wreck you.

but little prepares you for the visual.

and as i sat in the front of my car seeing plot after plot of devastation, i was hit with the thought.  THIS didn't even HAPPEN to ME.   and my heart broke further because in each pile of rubble i could imagine a child hunched over a math book, or a momma rocking a baby, or a birthday party with extended family or a kiss between two loved ones or a child playing in the yard...  these plots, marked by proud standing, almost untouched chimneys, represented homes.  scattered all over the bay area and beyond are people who once DID LIFE in these remnants.  the fire happened to them.

i can't even begin to imagine their heartache.  it's too much.

and then we pulled off the road onto the safari west grounds.  the transition from tragedy and devastation and loss to "yay!  animal safari!" was a challenge for me.

off in the distance were mountain tops of scorched earth, while right in front of me was african majesty.

and slowly, ever so slowly, we all settled in.  our eyes and our hearts stopped fixated on what we had seen on our way into safari west and focused on what was in front of us.  the animals were beautiful in every way and our guides' love for them was infectious.  she knew their names.  she burst forth with facts and information that was fascinating.  her heart beat outside of her and her love for these animals (and a joy to be back on the job) was palpable.

somewhere, midway through the tour, she pointed to the green grass and the base of the trees, right in the midst of two animal enclosures.

"we recently planted new grass after the fire and it is starting to take hold.  you can see how close the fire got from the scorched bases of the trees."

pause.

i saw scorched tree tops in the distance but i hadn't noticed just how close, just how threatening this fire was to this animal preserve.  i had read about it.  yes.  but once i settled into the tour, i had assumed that the fire hadn't encroached so closely to the preserve.

and as our tour came to an end, we rounded the front side of the property.  about 100 yards beyond the storage sheds (slightly hid by machinery) was a chimney standing in a pile of rubble.  as soon as i saw it, i knew.  that was where the owner had lived.  i had assumed, after reading the article, that the owner lived somewhere off property in the hills of santa rosa.  i had no idea that the fire had been RIGHT HERE.  yards from the birds and the monkeys and the giraffes.

we finished our tour, had a lovely picnic and then went on with our day.  we ended the day with a lovely (tasha style) thanksgiving dinner at solbar and then family game night in our hotel room.  there was lots of laughter at the centered around a mean game of monopoly.

in spite of the sadness that we encountered, the buser family had a lovely thanksgiving in the napa valley.

through it all, i pondered gratitude.  gratitude is more than a daily bell on your iPhone.  but that bell is a start.  (go ahead!  pick a time when your peeps are typically together and set an alarm on your phone.  it's an amazing daily moment.  sometimes forced.  sometimes authentic.  but always pushing your heart to recognize that THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING  to be GRATEFUL for.)

gratitude is about PERSPECTIVE.

gratitude is a way of life.  sometimes it is forced.  sometimes, like with my d, it erupts out of you naturally.  both are good.

nine years ago, on this very day, my heart was filled with gratitude for a momma that had made it through the night...  when she should not have.

days later we learned that she would have died had it not been for a brain aneurysm and a surgery that removed part of her brain many years prior.

my sisters and i were thankful.  thankful for another day and thankful for a life-altering, body-paralyzing thing, an aneurism,  that she had lived through and now gave her more life.  and when the doctors told us how she had survived, why she had survived after being hit by a car with bleeding on her brain, we were thankful...  and yet gratitude was a challenge.  not because we weren't thankful for her living, because WE WERE, but because we didn't know what the next day and the next day after that would look like.

and as i put all of this together, my momma and a fire and a man who rescued his life-long work of creating an animal sanctuary (while loosing his home), i am realizing that gratitude has to be VOID of the future.  it has to be a heart for the RIGHT NOW and what is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

when worry and fear and anxiety take precedence over what is real and tangible and right here, gratitude is hard to find.

a heart of gratitude can be cultivated, for sure.  the bell goes off each day.  and the person that hears responds with the thing that is right in front of them.  they claim it.  they say it aloud.  and by giving it sound and a voice, gratitude becomes a thing.  the posture of the heart changes and suddenly, where there is nothing, no notice, no awareness, there is a momentum towards appreciation for what we do have.

it is a gentle momentum...  from the unaware to the aware.  from the "no voice" to the "voice".  it happens in the easy and it can also happen in the hard.  but if we don't cultivate it, grow it, nurture it, sometimes force it, it doesn't have a chance to gain momentum.

and as suburban momma always does, she thinks about a God who is in charge of it all.  i would never wish a paralyzed arm and paralyzed leg on my momma.  i would never wish a firefighting night of feeling totally alone and helpless on peter lang, the owner of safari west.  i would never wish for cancer or the death of a child or financial ruin or divorce or... you fill in the blank on anyone, but sometimes...  sometimes... that exact thing causes a person to see jesus.

i see jesus in the fact that suburban momma survived her momma's aneurism 42 years ago when a baby should not have lived.

i saw jesus when the momma that birthed me lived again after a 3,500 lb. vehicle collided with my 135 lb. momma.

and i am pretty certain that peter lang, the owner of safari west, saw jesus when the sun rose around him the night after he fought the tubbs fire in santa rosa.

the last verse of genesis, chapter 1, after God had created the earth and put His plan into motion, He said, "and it was good."

He knew what lie ahead for you.  He knew what lie ahead for me. and He knew about EVERYONE in between.  in spite of the challenges along the way, He believed it to be good.

so as for me, i am going to celebrate the good.  i am going to look for the moments and the things that can eclipse my heart with gratitude.  i am going to claim them.  i am going to verbalize them.  i am going to share them.  i will let those things mold my heart and celebrate that in this world, amidst the hard, is a whole lot to find gratitude for.

more than i can handle

i am a momma with a teenager.  my teenager is a girl.

enough said.

i am struggling.  it is hard to play the role of navigator, therapist, and life-coach to an often un-willing recipient.  i want to show her the way and coax her into her beautiful self.  but the trouble is, self doesn't always yield.  sometimes, self sticks in their heels and pivots and rejects and spews hatefulness.  and as a mum, it is my job to accept, parent, absorb and lean in.  i am called to train and to discipline exactly this.

my flesh doesn't want to discipline or lean in all of the time.  often, i find myself wanting to do the exact opposite of what i know to be nurturing mum behavior and call out her yucky behavior.  i want to let her teenage self know that she doesn't, in fact, know it all.  i want her to know that I HAVE BEEN THERE.  i have rocked out the teenage years and being selfish and self-righteous and prideful isn't going to flesh out exactly as she hopes it might.

and yet, because i have been there, i KNOW that doing so isn't going to be a relationship-building choice.  the easy, lack-of-self-control-lash-out, will feel good for less than half a second.  but the patient, question asking, heart seeking, conversation-moving-forward, understanding, loving behavior that i need to exhibit is found in the hard.

lots of Jesus loving peeps love to say, (and i have been guilty of it myself), "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

for the beginning stages of the motherhood, i truly clung to that.  it is derived partially from my life-verse that God wrote on my heart years ago in chicago.

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -jeremiah 29:11

and yet, today, as i thought about it, i realized that it is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what i know to be true of my God.  He will ALWAYS give you more than you can handle.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

TIME.

and He doesn't do it to drown you.  He does it so that you are forced to CLING to HIM.

CLING.

if i got as close as i possibly could to my "ledge" and handled it, without HIM, i would walk away thinking that I was the rock star.  i would believe:

i got this.

ain't no thing.

challenge accepted.

boom goes the dynamite.

killin' it in the motherhood.




but the thing is, that isn't where the God of the universe wants us.  He wants us to be in relationship with HIM.  He wants us to be in community with HIM.  He longs for us to seek HIS face.

and we do that best when we are out of our league...  when we have just a little bit more than we thought we could handle.

THAT is the exact place where we can EXPECT HIM to be right here by our side.



this weekend was a tough one with my girl.  she is good.  so good.  but she is pushing her boundaries with me at every move.  i give.  she wants more.  i say no.  she demands the why.

it can be draining.

and so very often, i try to handle all of this on my very own.  God is over there.  i am here.  my girl is on the other side.  He is near me, but i haven't invited him in.

and then on sunday, i realized something so very simple.  i need to invite Him into this story.

i do not have this.

it is a big thing.

i don't like this challenge.

i feel like I have been blown up by the dynamite.

i am drowning in the motherhood.

and as quick as i asked, i felt a softness sweep over me.  and in my softness, i mothered more kindly.  i sought her heart.  and in doing so, i can only pray, that she sees Jesus.

thank you God, for giving me just a little bit more than i can handle and for reminding me that leaning on you is the place of peace and influence and movement.

Mommapalooza

where to start?

many years ago my friend's husband was slightly dismayed by his daughter's birthday bash.  he named it "liliapalooza".  her name is lila and lalapalooza was all the rage.  eventually the momma's friend group started a get-together with first born mommas and their eldest.  said husband dubbed us "mommapalooza".  and thus a group name was formed.

the mommapalooza mommas are my peeps.

we all had first born babies in the same year.  we were from different backgrounds...  from you name it- we were different.  but we had two things in common.  we all loved jesus and we all had babies.  and we bonded.

i met with this motley crew every week, at least once, often thrice, and we rocked out the motherhood together.  i dare to say that not a one of us knew what we were doing, but we did it together.  we had differing opinions on almost everything.  there was the one with the trendy baby gear, the one that swore, the one that didn't vaccinate, the one that co-slept, the one that made baby food...  and we did it all together.  i venture to say that there was no judgment.  there were questions a-plenty, but we sort of bowed down to one another as the holy grail and didn't care how they survived.

as for me, i loved every minute.  i was the postpartum sleep deprived momma.  these women let me be all sorts of crazy and they loved me through my journey.  i don't totally know what they thought of my story and the tears/laughter that i brought to the group.  it didn't matter.  the feeling i took home was one of support.

they supported me.  always.

they lifted me up.  they encouraged me.  they dealt with my crazy, new to the motherhood, neurotic, sleep-deprived, suddenly stay-at-home life.

i loved them for it and i loved them for who each of them were.  all very different, but all very beautiful.

shortly before i moved to cali, the band began to logistically break up.  each of us were having second and third babies.  each of us were leaving chi-town (but not all).  and somehow, magically, we stayed connected. the band never emotionally disconnected.

and somehow it began that we were going to gather together, one momma and one eldest child, meet annually to reconnect.  that was the year i moved to cali.

"mommapalooza" was formed.  and once a year, the band gets together. one mom hosts and many moms descend for a weekend of fun.  they bring their eldest and they laugh, cry, giggle, pray, and reminisce about the early stages of motherhood, what we struggle with now, and everything in between.

it is mommapalooza weekend.  THIS momma is not there (and hasn't been in quite some time).  but as i look at their Facebook pages and receive their messages, my heart is full.  while i would always like to be there, i know that these women are MY WOMEN.  they have my back ALWAYS.  they KNOW me.  they get my flaws and they celebrate my few-but-far-between strengths.  if they were my neighbor, they would bring me a meal.  they would watch my babies.  from a distance (albeit social media) they celebrate my successes.

they watched me become ME.

they prayed for me to become ME.

they have descended on iowa this weekend and as i watch them, my heart aches and soars.  i ache because i wish with all of my being to be there with my e and do the weekend together.  i soar because i know what it means to each of them to get to do this.  they will wrestle with self, they will celebrate, they will lean in, they will laugh over the past, they will pray for the kiddos and each other, and they will leave rejuvenated.  they will take with them morsels that they will ponder for weeks to come.

i wish i was there.

but even in my absence, i celebrate.  each of them is amazing.  each women is a momma i am proud to call friend.  years can divide and separate, but nothing can erase the really hard/honest/amazing that we walked through TOGETHER.  and for that i am thankful.

i look at this snap daily and thank God for what He gave me when i needed it most... relationships that were real, authentic, life-giving, self-growing and motherhood-building.

happy mommapalooza 2017!  every momma needs THIS in their lives and i am so thankful for you!  even in my absence, i feel your love, support and am forever grateful for helping me when i needed you most.

#dancemom

i can't even!

two years ago, my sweet middle daughter d, came to me and asked if it would be possible for me to enroll her in a hip-hop dance class.  she used manners.  she exhibited an understanding of family time, obligations and finances...  and it wasn't manipulative.  she was 100% honest and sincere.

yes.

this is a yes, you should seize.

and so i did.  and my d went to her hip-hop class once a week and loved every. single second.  and suddenly i found my girl dancing through life.  she could barely walk ten steps without throwing in a high leg or a split or a shimmy.

she was in her happy place.

it was low cost/ high reward.

come spring, i was approached by her dance teacher and asked if we had considered "team".  no.
no, we had not.

we were invited to auditions.

and so we threw our hat into the ring and said, "why not at least try?"

and she made the team.

two teams, in fact.

what's a mom to do?  and so we accepted both spots, one on hip-hop and one on jazz.

we have not looked back.

my girl found her calling.  she is a dancer.  she loves every single second of it.  often, i find her stretching in her room or working on her latest position.

i find myself giggling from time to time and saying things like, "so... you know i'm a dance mom, right?"

i am so far out of this world.  i can barely do my own hair and makeup, but this year i learned how to do a "cat eye", fake eyelashes and a sock bun.  i didn't know i had it in me...  but #dancemom's got THIS.  (giggle)

and then came our first competition dance weekend.  d and i hit the road on a friday and headed out of town.  just me and my girl.  i'll be honest, i was a little miffed.  it was opening weekend of lacrosse and i was missing two of my girls opening games.

but i was also excited.  this dance world was sort of fun and new and exciting.

as we hit the road, my d started talking to me.  that girl LOVES to talk and with a few hours in the car, a mom never knows what conversations might open up.  and open up she did.  we talked about everything!  we dance partied.  we prayed.  we nervoused the heck out of things.  shared.  confided.  giggled and had a blast.

and in the midst of it all, i realized that my happy go-lucky middle girl needed THIS.  she needed time with her momma.  she needed an opportunity to challenge herself and experience how it feels to be an imperfect perfectionist.  she needed to push herself into the uncomfortable and do exactly what makes her happy while also experiencing discomfort.

she needed this crazy, talented, fun dance family that would be an extension of us and fill the gaps in her life that this momma could never fill.

and we got ALL of THAT.  my d has found her place.  she loves her studio.  she loves her instructors. she adores the stage.  she thrives under the pressure.  and lucky am i to get to go along for the ride.  but sometimes we get EXACTLY what we never knew we NEEDED.

delaney wins.  momma wins.

it's been an amazing ride.  and this weekend was recital weekend.  i looked at my girl mid-day, several hours in and said, "are you doing ok?".

she replied, "mom, i love every single second."

and i have no words.  when your kiddo finds what they love (or at least love right now), it is worth it all.  and if on top of loving it, you get little gifts (like extra 1:1 time), you take it and don't look back.

and so to my hip-hop jazz girl...  momma has no idea where you get your mad skills.  it is certainly not from me.  none-the-less, this momma is ever so thankful for you finding your jam, pursuing your passion, fighting through the hard and pushing yourself to excel at something.

#dancemom

#notinvited #ugly #jealous... choose your own blog post

as i started to write this post i realized that it had a lot of starting points in my mind.  a few rose to the top but one just wouldn't emerge as the winner...  so i wrote a few.  choose the start that speaks to you.  and then jump to the ending.


PART 1

1.) #notinvited


a few years ago, i started to notice this strange trend in my town.  mommas all around me were starting to verbalize minor irritations with not being invited to this or that by this person or that person (or sometimes even by me).  it made me pause.



for the better part of my life i just sort of went through it- being invited or not being invited- celebrating when i was, (oh, man!  doesn't it feel amazing to be included.) and letting it roll off my back when i wasn't.  i have felt the tinge of hurt for certain, but i can usually find rest in the boundaries of a party.  sometimes you just have to draw the line.  you can't invite everybody to everything.  it is a fact and it doesn't have to mean that you are less than.  celebrate when your included.  and i also try very hard to also celebrate for those that were, even when i am not.  we all need to feel that.  we all need community and togetherness and the feelings of "special", "wanted", and "chosen".



but for some, this just doesn't stick and when we aren't included it gets deep down in and is like a tornado in your heart throwing around negative messages all over the place.  and this little "not invited" moment begins to become something really big because you open up the filing cabinet and pull out ALL OF THE #notinvited and it turns into a huge giant pile of hurt.



2.) #ugly



i am a mom of a middle school girl.  it isn't easy to navigate these waters.  in the fall, my beauty came to me and told me she wanted a pixie cut for back-to-school.  i was caught off guard (yes, by a hairstyle).



you see, i had a momma with one working arm growing up and knowing her limitations, my momma forced me to have short hair (because she couldn't brush long locks and she couldn't braid or ponytail or... it was a function decision).  while i understand my momma's choice, i also remember being called "he", "your son" and "boy" way more often than i would like to recount. and it didn't feel good.  in fact, it made me feel ugly. (side note- short hair ISN'T ugly... but people can be insensitive and when you long for locks down your back and get called a boy it can make you feel ugly.)



when e came to me and asked for the pixie cut, the messages of ugly that i received during my short hair days came flooding to my mind.  i didn't really want that for her.  i tried to do a pros and cons list, tell my story and then ultimately let her choose (because she is 12, after all).  and she chose pixie cut.  and it was cute.  for a while.



now, she is growing it out.  we are in the not so easy to style stage.  she longs for the day that she will be able to rock a bob but for now we have a way to go.  in the process, my girl feels ugly.  oh for a mother's heart to hear her baby girl say this!  it breaks me every time.  my beauty can't see her own beautiful.  and she has so much beautiful.  all she can see is her short in-between pixie and bob hair that is currently defining her in her mind.



3.) #jealous


i am rocking out my 40's.  true story.  for me, my 40's are the middle place of this motherhood.  my babies are no longer babies, but i still have three lively kiddies in my home.  i'm smack dab in the middle of motherhood (not that there is an end date, but eventually they leave and the dynamic shifts a bit).



and as is such, i am in the middle of me and marriage and adult.  i have rocked out my first job, falling in love, getting married, buying a home, having babies, etc.  for scott and i, we have emerged from the financial struggle and sort of settled into where we are going to lie in this world.  and for the most part, so have the peeps in my life that surround me (with a million exceptions and fast changes along the way- nothing is ever permanent).



and as i watch this happen, i am noticing some subtle comments here or little twinges there in my social circle.  we as women, tend to watch our peers closely.  and it is less common for us to celebrate the promotion, the new car, the fancy vacation, the home upgrade, the handbag... and more common for us to get that little pull of jealousy and lust in our hearts.  when that gets in there, it tends to build a camp.  the camp multiples and manifests and has the ability to bring all sorts of commotion to your heart.  it disrupts the peace and contentment.



sometimes we love what we have and what our lives have shaped themselves into... until we see what HER life looks like and has shaped itself into...  and we put ourselves on this scale and weigh what we loved against what someone else is rocking out and it turns what we once thought was beautiful into something really ugly.







PART 2


TRUTH...

i was at a dance comp yesterday, sitting in the audience, minding my own business trying to make it to the awards ceremony.  my girl was done dancing for the day (and she danced her stinking heart out!) and i was exhausted.  we had a few more hours to go before the awards were called and i was sort of just wasting time in the auditorium watching some of the other dancers.



a troop with very simple leotards pranced onto the stage, roughly 8 teenage girls and one teenage boy.  i was intrigued because their costume was so simple, which is slightly unusual for a dance competition.  they wore a navy leotard.  basic, simple and also beautiful.  and then they began to dance.  i was overcome by beauty.  they danced to a song i had never heard and i began to frantically try and search for it.  the song, beautiful things by jordan smith, melted my heart... for me, for my pixie cut growing girl, for my dancer, for my little p... for my beautiful teenage babysitters... for my uninvited friends, for those that get jealous, for the one that feels ugly, for YOU.



(i swear this blog should be called diary of a lyric addict or something like that because so many posts are prompted by lyrics, but that's a whole different topic.)



"if once in your life you wished you were someone else..." - the opening line of the song...  and that resonated with me in so many ways.  you see, i grew up wanting to be anyone other than who i was.  it haunted me for years.  and lucky am i that in my twenties, i found a different story and melted into a truth that is my posture now- #ilovemylife, #blessed, #loved, #accepted, #chosen...  a message of affirmation and acceptance, a message of contentment.  and don't get me wrong, i have moments, lots of moments, where other messages burst into my heart.  however, my goal and posture is not to rest in those negative messages but to seek and pursue the positive ones.  i want to be surrounded by people and images and a life that fosters goodness.



but this isn't true for everyone.  some of you struggle with this in ways where your heart can't rest in that.  your heart doesn't feel that easily and the negative wins.  the dark messages permeate.  and it doesn't mean you are bad or wrong or less than...  we are all wired differently.



but the truth is this.  you are beautiful.  you were made to be you.  designed, crafted, and breathed into to be YOU.  your contribution to this world matters.  really, really matters.



"fight with the truth.  just be yourself.  just be YOURSELF.  somehow we are beautiful things."



and look for the beauty.  find it in you.  it's there.  i promise you.  find it in me.  even when it's hard to see.  celebrate beauty.  write positive messages on your heart and write them on mine.  let's all put our hands in and vow to let #notinvited, #ugly, #jealous, (or whatever negative messages that you allow to rent space in your head) to be a thing of the past and let #beautiful be the message that we own.



and as jordan sings, as he crescendos into...



your God is a beautiful thing

our world is a beautiful thing

our mind is a beautiful thing

our bodies are beautiful things

and colors and wonders are

beautiful things.


our voices are

your voices are

our voices just sing

just sing

just sing

your song


my heart expands and swells into fullness because those messages are life giving.



i could end this post here.

but i won't because, for me, there is more.



PART 3

for me, i only know how to write this message because of my Father.  you see, back in my twenties i made a choice to choose God, Jesus and a message of redemption.  i chose to live with The Holy Spirit in my heart and follow his lead.  and as i did so, i learned and allowed him to write "beauty" on my heart.



don't get me wrong.  i am filled with a whole ton of ugly.  it is there.  jealousy is down deep, too.  but with Him, those messages get covered with grace and forgiveness and chosen, on a daily basis.  often, it's like making a bed.  i get up and feel those messages, the negative ones, and have to pull up the covers with the real messages that God wants me to feel, covering over and transforming the negative messages.  it's a process.  sometimes the bed making is quick and simple.  other times, the bed making is as if i have twisted and turned all night, a little bit messier.  more wrinkles to smooth over.



if part three isn't your jam, that's fine.  my goal in writing is for you to know you're beautiful.  and that is a wonderful place for anyone to rest in.



but if part three speaks to you a bit, i would encourage you to pursue it.  pray, read, listen... let God write His message of beautiful in a transforming way.

beauty on the inside

last week i traveled back east to help transition my momma home.  my momma, who underwent knee replacement surgery in november and spent the duration of the next 60ish days in skilled nursing was deemed ready to re-enter her home environment.  it was my pleasure to get to walk through this part of the journey with her.

on our first day together in her home environment, i noticed she kept looking down at my ring.  my momma, always on the more practical side of fashion, tends to notice my gravitational pull towards the trendy.

"tasha, what is that ring you are wearing?"

"it's a geode.  nothing fancy.  just a little costume piece i am liking right now."

"oh.  it's interesting."  (that's what my momma typically says to me when she is questioning how a trend-loving girl could be "her" girl.)  she went on with what she was doing but kept eyeing my right hand middle finger adornment.

"i have something you should take home with you.  go to my bedroom windowsill.  it's sitting there and bring it to me."

i obeyed and walked into the next room to retrieve the object.

i smiled as i reached behind the curtain and discovered what I knew she had sent me for in her bedroom and anticipated the story that i predicted would follow.

"mom, tell me about this."

paraphrased... "tasha, i bought that rock a while back.  it's really interesting on the outside.  but a rock- not much to look at, right?  but when you turn it around, when you look on the inside you see that it is much more interesting.  hold it up to the light.  it's prettier than you can see in this lighting."

i did as she told me to.  i held it up to her kitchen light, and when i did, the colors popped.  shades of blue emerged and a glistening of yellow and sparkles of white and a depth that was not present prior to the light being shown upon it beamed to the forefront.  beauty emerged.

"mom, this is beautiful!"

"it's a geode, tasha.  it reminds me of your ring, but it is far more spectacular ."

"mom, why do you have this?"

"it reminded me of so many important things.  it reminded me when you were little that i desired to pray for each of you girls for you to find your geode.  i knew that i was called to pray for each of you and that finding the 'right' husband was imperative in your life fulfillment.  somehow, i knew you each needed your 'geode'.  the world would call you towards the shiny man on the outside- and that would be fine.  but i also knew that, more importantly, each of my daughters would need a shiny man on the inside.  at first glance, the outside is appealing.  it is a rock, after all.  a rock is good.  and when you initially look on the inside, that is good too.  but when you add light, pure beauty emerges."

she had me captive.  i don't always listen to my momma, but this time she had my attention.

"tasha, very specifically, from the time that you were little, i prayed that you would find a geode.  i prayed that you would find the man that would be interesting on the outside, sparkly on the inside, and would illuminate your life when eclipsed by the light.  do you know what the light is?  it's jesus.  i prayed you would find a man who loved jesus, and that when you did, you would find him to be the most beautiful thing you had ever seen."

i paused and in that moment thanked God for a momma who prayed and for finding my own geode.  i am married to that man.  he is interesting and shiny and sparkly.  and i was thankful.

she asked me to put the geode in my suitcase and to take it home and follow suit.  she encouraged me to pray the same prayer for my three littles.  i told her i would.

so often, i find my prayers focused on the immediate.  i lift up my requests to a God i very much believe in in the here and now.

"help e to be kind to the person that isn't kind to her."

"help d to make the team."

"help p to obey."...

and i know those are valid prayers.  but this was a beautiful reminder that i need to pray beyond.  i need to reach into their future and train today with my actions and let God guide their future by praying into it.

the weekend went on and my mom and i shared lots of dialogue.  she had a lot of little gems that she shared with me that weekend in the midst of adjusting to her new normal.

one of my tasks that weekend was to complete the final interviews for her care team.  currently, my mom can't exactly "live on her own".  she is dependent on others for assistance with her daily needs.  to expect her to dress, bathe, bathroom, cook, clean and even mobilize on her own is out of her ability.  because of this, we needed a secure and competent team in place to assist her with these tasks.  after a series of interviews and meet/greets, we found a team.  it was comprised of four people- an am week girl, a pm week girl, an am weekend girl and a pm weekend girl- who would assist her.  by the end of the weekend, these people were secured and put into place- with one caveat- we weren't totally "sold" on one of the caregivers but a better option had not emerged.

yikes.  what to do?

as i was preparing to leave on my day of departure, my momma mentioned that i had forgotten to pack the geode to bring home to my girls.  i sat at her kitchen table and looked at the rock.  we had just been discussing the girl we weren't sure of when clarity kicked in.

"mom, what if the girl we aren't sure of for you care team is a geode?  maybe she doesn't 'present well' but is the perfect person for you?"

and my momma smiled.  she responded with what i should have anticipated.

"tasha, i prayed for this care team and i believe that you might be right.  when you ask for a geode, God tends to give it to you.  and if it doesn't happen right away, He'll provide what you need when the time is right.  she's going to be a geode."

tears sprung into my eyes, tears the i had been holding back for the better part of the past five months, and i knew she was right.

God gives us what we need, when we ask for it, in His timing.  His ways are better than ours.  we don't always understand the hows and the whys.  most often, in the midst of us shaking our head in confusion, He is carving the way for us.

i packed the rock into my suitcase and left for the airport.  as i left, i hugged my momma.  she isn't always the most emotional touchy feely kind of gal, but that day, she called me back to her.

"tasha, give me one more hug.  do you know how much i love you?"

"yes, mom, i do."

"i've prayed for you my whole life.  God has been good."

and as i sat in my uber riding off to the airport, i pondered my mother.  she is often prickly, often feisty, but filled with so much goodness.  her heart is beautiful, and with the light of God shining through, she is radiant.  and then i thought of my family.  my husband became my geode the day he met Jesus.  i loved him prior, but i knew he was MY HUSBAND the moment he took a step into "light".  and i thought of my girls.  they certainly are geodes- often ridiculously rough on the outside but ever so shiny when they let the light illuminate their goodness.  and there is SO MUCH goodness within them.  and i thought about prayer.  it is the place, the posture, where i who can control NOTHING am given the opportunity to tap into a power that i don't understand but am certain transforms.

the next morning, i showed my girls the rock and then flipped it over as i told them the story that granny had shared with me...  i hope it sticks.  i hope that they find someone interesting and and shiny and filled with LIGHT.

for the past few months, so many thoughts have stirred beneath my surface.  our world is strange right now.  but the geode speaks to me on that level as well.  i truly believe that in the light we are all beautiful, made for goodness.  it lies in our core and is simply waiting to be cracked wide open.