give a little

a few weeks back my littles came to me to present a plan.  p had a piggy bank filled with cash and d had been coveting a giant sized stuffy from rite aid.  p wanted to use her bank to buy her sister the coveted bear.

momma was not on board.

i smelled trouble all over this transaction.  from the jump i felt like p was trying to people please and d was trying to use her big sister charm to get what she wanted.  i said no.  without hesitation.  i was firm.  p could not use her saved up dinero to buy sister something so large (literally and price tag).

both girls went away sad that the plan they had concocted had not flown over with the momma.

and i thought the matter had been put to bed.  tucked in.  lullaby sung.  done.  over.  night-night.

until...

a few days later i was playing a game with pops and mid-turn she asked, "momma, why won't you let me buy delaney the big bear?"

i proceeded to tell her that she was little and didn't understand the value of money.  $79 dollars was A LOT of money.  pops had been saving up for quite some time and eventually she would find something that she wanted to do with her pot.  d had not saved.  if d wanted the bear she could save her own money and buy herself the coveted lice habitat giant stuffy.

pops nodded and said she understood.

a few days passed and p came to me again.  "mom, i want to give d the big bear."

i asked her why.

she went on to say that she loved her sister and she wanted to give her sister something that would make her happy.

quite frankly, i was annoyed.  i was rather certain that d was putting her up to these frequent inquisitions and i didn't like that a sister would use their leverage to get what they wanted.  i began to question p.  "why do you want to give her something so expensive?"  "what happens when you give it to her and she treats you with unkindness?"  "if you give it to her, it becomes HERS.  you won't have the opportunity to take it back."  "it won't mean that she'll play with you."  "it won't mean that she'll owe you something."  "there is no guarantee that she'll ever use her saved up money to buy you something late."  "once you spend it, it's gone."

poppy contemplated my arguments and said she understood.

a few more days passed and little muffin came back to her momma and pled her case.

"momma, i want to GIVE it to delaney.  it's ok if she is mean to me and won't play with me.  i won't try and take it back.  it will be hers and she can do whatever she likes with it.  it will make her happy and she doesn't have a giant sized stuffy.  she wants one and i have the money.  i don't need anything and my money is just sitting in my bank.  i WANT to gift her with this bear."

i called in reinforcement.  "see what daddy has to say, pops."

dad had a similar message to mom's (thank goodness).  and we both finished with, "think about it".

another few days passed and pops came back to the parent panel saying she had thought it over and still wanted to buy the bear.

what's a momma to do?  i put both girls in the car, p with her owl shaped coin purse and d with hope filled eyes and drove the littles to rite-aid.

i was reluctant.  i was certain that this was going to be an epic motherhood fail.  i could hear the arguments that would ensue, with the bear at the center, unfolding in my head.

this was going to be a bad idea.  i was sure of it.

a few weeks have passed and i am eating my motherhood words.  the bear has not elicited any familial incidences.  d is enamored.  p is elated that her actions could evoke so much joy.  and not once has the giant sized bear brought forth any trauma or fracture to the sisterhood.

and i stand back embarrassed.  you see, i brought my adult eyes to the situation.  the questions i asked were fine, but my hesitation did not teach the lessons that embody the values i want my girls to possess.  p's actions of selflessness embody that.  her heart of giving, with no expectation of a return on the investment, speaks volumes.

i anticipated the worst.  but pops, she didn't give a hoot about how her gift was received.  she just wanted to give it.  she had the means.  she knew someone in "need"   desire, and she met that request.  it was sacrificial.  she went without while someone she loved got their dreams met.

d loves her giant sized bear.

pops is cool with being the giver, but she doesn't expect anything in return and hasn't really found much joy or satisfaction in my praise of her selflessness.  just giving the bear was enough.

and momma is the lesson winner.

my adult eyes cloud my vision.  my adult expectations jumble the return.

it is possible to give of one's heart and let one person's sacrifice exceed another person's expectations with joy felt on both ends.

pops is happy to give.  no expectations.  nothing needed in return.  and her heart is happy.

d is happy to receive.  no expectations.  nothing needed to give back.  and her heart is happy.  (easier than the first, but also notable because she didn't get caught up in any of the mess that can come from being the recipient of generosity.)

i have hesitated to write about this because i have honestly been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  but it hasn't.  love and generosity prevail.  sisterhood wins.  unconditional giving is real.  it can get messy, but it doesn't have to.

and maybe, letting love prevail early, creates generous hearts.  i don't know for sure, but i would like to think that poppy has learned lessons about giving with no expectation of receiving  that will carry her forth in this world in ways that i don't even know how to write about.  and i also believe that d will see the effects of this too.

and maybe even ellie.

and me.

and maybe even you.

can we give because someone wants something and we have the means to provide?  with no expectation?  with open hearts?

the giant sized bear has taught me that maybe we all can.

Top 15 of 2015

2015 has been an amazing year.  it has filled me with awe for so many reasons- and while it has had its share of sorrows, it has also had so many joys.

i like to focus on the joys.  and so, in no particular order, here are my top ten of 2015.

1.)  being a tourist in my city.  i loved the week that we spent catching up with mommas favorite people and introducing their kiddos to mine (in spite of the fact that they have spent many a day together before the long term memory kicked in).  i loved discovering new things (eataly!) and revisiting old familiar things.  it was also a good reminder that nothing stays the same.  i can miss my life in that amazing place but what i miss no longer exists.  life is fluid and moves forward downstream.  while i can ponder and reflect on the time that i hold sacred in that space, that space has transformed in my absence.

2.)  matrimony.  i heart the time i spent in austin celebrating my brother's nuptials.  it's hard to believe that the last of 5 siblings have jumped the broom, but it is true.  seeing him marry someone that is so thoughtful, giving and kind means the world to me.  seeing the rest of my crazy fantastical family was the icing on the cake round rock donuts.

3.)  watching the youngest buser almost drown while swimming for the pac dolphins make it to swim champs swimming the BUTTERFLY.  for realz.  baby girl almost drowned the first week of swim team.  i was pretty sure that coach brett was going to pull me to the side and tell me we weren't up to snuff.  but he didn't.  he took my near drowning girlfriend and turned her into a butterfly rock star.  given the family gene pool, i have never really thought that buser/browning blood was going to take us to the top of the roster for athletic skills.  but this year, it did.  it could be short lived, but that is why it goes down as a top ten for the year.  i'll take it!

4.)  run, forest, run!  er.  i mean, participating in my favorite day of the year (walnut grove's fun run) under the leadership of one, audrey gillette.  i have never before been under the leadership of such a thoughtful, well-planned, sincere, kind, and funny woman.  it has been the highlight (twice.  oy vay), of 2015 (may/november) to work alongside her and carry on a tradition of our great elementary school, raising funds for education.  not sure why she hitched her horse to this dead weight wagon, but i am delighted that she did.

5.)  dare.  who knew how amazing this program was?  not me.  but they came into e's class week after week dropping down ever so important life skills.  she learned about drugs and alcohol and what it looks like to resist that path, but maybe even more powerful was the message of self-confidence and "you are amazing" that they poured into her.  we were stunned to discover that her writing skills and the knowledge she gleaned through the program landed her a spot as one of the class speakers for the year end graduation assembly.  proud of this girl, always.  but shocked at her courage to rock a mic in front of an auditorium filled with adults.  yep!  sure was.  it was a tear-jerking moment for me as a momma.

6.)  getting time with this girl... my best friend from high school, my college years and beyond.  i have missed jen's role in my life so much.  and while there have been years of absence, finding her again in my life has been a highlight of this year.  i look forward to what the future holds- even if miles separate our hearts, my life is a better place with her in it.

7.)  cabi, getting time with my sister, and the people that make her cali show so successful (what can i say, i tend to gravitate towards shoppers with good taste).  i cherish the shows that allow my sister to visit my peeps.  i celebrate the time i get to spend with my local gal-pals in the name of fashion and i cherish those "after the show late nights" that usually unfold.

8.)  a garden party and a birthday girl.  while d came into this world in december, we do the friend party thing in june.  i found great joy in planning a fairy garden party with this little party girl, we call delaney.  she loves a par-tay, has unlimited creativity when it comes to the details of an event, craves the perfect event attire and is filled with joy in the process.  it was my pleasure to watch her and the girls she has chosen to surround herself with play and frolic in the garden (even though it might have been the hottest day of the year).  they were delicious.  this just might be the sweetest group of littles that my heart has known and i am so thankful that they are part of my d's (and my own) life.

9.)  getting to watch the girl that grew my babies when i needed a break become a momma to baby jack and getting to watch baby jack grow/thrive under the care of his laugh-out-loud, amazing parents.  (you can move back to the bay area anytime now...  ah hem.)

10.)  travel.  i love to travel and see new things that this world has to offer.  in fact, it is one of my favorite parts of moving to this coast.  there is so much to see, so much that is new, and so much of god's beauty bursting forth in just a short drive from where we get to call home.  visiting carmel with scott for a little getaway was nothing short of amazing.  the town, the history, the wine, the ocean, the cheese shop (!!!), and the time alone together made my heart happy.

11.)  the p-town ladies and so many shared traditions and experiences.  these girls were the genesis of p-town feeling like home to this girl.  i adore our dinners, our daily ramblings, our nights away together, wine tasting adventures and everything in between.

12.)  a box of love (in tiffany blue).  i have no idea if the tiffany blue part was intentional but back in the 90's i was a little obsessed with little blue boxes filled with trinkets from my favorite jewelry store.  if it came in a blue box it was sure to be treasured.

this year, as part of my 40th birthday extravaganza (more on that later), i was gifted with a blue box filled with notes.  each note was from a loved one, family member, friend from all different parts of my life.  each note was filled with a memory or special note about our relationship.  it was the greatest blue box i could ever receive.  i will cherish each and every note (and the people behind them) for a lifetime.  the box consolidated the abundance of love, relationships, laughter, and joy that fuel me each and every day.  i have no words to express the gratitude that i have for the people in my life.  lucky feels wrong.  blessed feels trite.  but somewhere, someday i will find the word that expresses the heart spill i feel for the people that have surrounded me in the past and present.

13.)  did someone say maui?  scott went overboard on the birthday celebration when he surprised me with a trip to an undisclosed location.  i think i already mentioned that i love to travel.  when you live on the east coast (or the mid-west for that matter), hawaii doesn't always make the most sense.  the caribbean is more logical.  and so it should come as no surprise that this girlfriend has never put her toes in hawaiian sand.  until now.

it was pure delight to spend many days on a beach.  alone.  with my husband.  that hasn't happened in a really long time and the memories we made will carry me through to the eons from now when we might get to experience it again (fingers crossed).  what can i say?  my hubs knows how to treat his girl.  #keeper

14.)  running.  i mean spending time with these girls while doing something i love hate.  i am a runner.  i like it sometimes.  but what keeps me going is the people that i share my runs with.  carey and lynn you make my runs so much more enjoyable.  in fact, without you, i would hate it.  with you, i actually find joy in the process.  my soul thanks you.

15.)  turning 40?!?  what you talking' bout, willis?  yeah.  it's true.  i loved turning 40.

what happens when you load up a bus (with girlfriend's favorite people), take it to the city (girlfriend's happy spot), fill your tummies with food (girlfriend's faves of lemon meringue pie, cheese plate and a few other tasty morsels), and dance your pants off like it's 1999?

you burst with joy.  and that is just what this momma did and that is exactly why this momma loved turning the big 4-ut-0.  how can you not love that?  how can you not celebrate and shriek with joy when you are surrounded by so much goodness?  yes, my wrinkles are more defined, my waistline is expanding, my memory is going to hell in a hand basket, but with these amazing women who carry me through my day-to-day life (supporting, encouraging, giggling, sighing, and LIVING), who cares about the downside.  the number is what it is, but the experience is because of those that enhance it.  i'll take this life any day.

i could go on.  there is more amazeballness (totally a word) that make this year stand out, but a momma has got to draw the line somewhere, right?

it has been an epic year.  when i find that word that encompasses blessed/lucky/overjoyed i will let you know, because that is the word that describes this year for me.