the hotness

it is shocking to me how long it has been since i have blogged.  to be honest, i sort of fell out of love with the idea of writing my everyday thoughts for anyone else to see.  but as of recent, i have been thinking about why i started blogging to begin with.  it was an enjoyable way to create a baby book (of sorts) with my itty bittys.  ellie has a very detailed baby book and a scrapbook and a whole bunch of other written logs of her life- but for d i decided to blog.  it was hip and cool at the time, and let's face it, i like to write (as poor as i am at the craft).  and then i stopped.  i'm not totally sure why- it was a combination of things.  i felt exposed to new friends in this way, i became "busy", my computer crashed, it was a way to avoid laundry...  the list of "why i became a blogging quitter" became long.  and so i stopped.

this weekend i had a moment where i realized that i needed to get back to it.  it was a moment of transition in many ways.  let me explain.

my p-nut has been sleeping in our bed, in various forms, since her birth.  when she was first born, i would go to bed with her in the moses basket next to me.  when she would wake for a feeding, i'd reach over and pull her into bed with me to nurse.  while she would eat, i would drift off into sleep.  it was out of necessity, really.  i was tired and needed rest.  she was hungry and needed food.  we could both meet our needs simultaneously.  it worked for a while.  eventually, she outgrew the moses basket and transitioned to her crib in her very own room. for the middle of the night feed i would drag my tired body to the glider in her room, feed her and then return to my room.  she would wake again about an hour before i was ready to begin my day.  at this feed i would bring her back into bed with me.  it was usually after scott had left for work and i savored those extra minutes of rest, quite snuggles with my last baby, and time to transition into the day.  through that whole nursing era, pops would always snuggle with me in the same way.  i would sleep on my side, place my arm under her head, and hold her close with my other arm.  my knees were drawn up and it created a little pod for her to snuggle down into.  she loved it, in spite of the hot.  and be sure, it was a very warm little pod.

eventually, my pops stopped nursing and slept through the night...  for the most part.  after her first year, she would wake somewhere in the wee hours and cry for her momma.  no longer was my babe looking for food, but more looking for the warmth and security of that warm little pod that she had grown so accustomed to.  and i was a sucker for her cry.  for the second year of her little life, i would go to her bed and bring her back to mine, giving her what she wanted.  it was what i wanted too, if i'm totally honest.  i wanted those days of life with a wee one to last as long as they could.  i used to teach middle school and am no dummy- i know that those moments are fleeting.  sometimes they feel like a lifetime, but in reality, they disappear faster than one can imagine.

after my pops transitioned to her "big girl bed", she no longer would cry for me.  she would just scoot her little self out of her bed and into mine at some point in the morning hours.  the position was the same, with one adjustment.  as her body grew in length, she had to extend the pod.  somewhere along the way, my sweet p didn't fit with her knees drawn up and so she just shoved her little legs in between mine.  in fact, when i tried to modify our position, she rebelled.  she was not going to change...  she simply wanted to make a modification.  and so our new position became arm under head, arm around, and p's legs sandwiched between mine.  it was less than ideal, but it is amazing what one can adjust to when they value sleep.  i value sleep.

as she grew older, the time upon when she would arrive in our room became later and later.  it was sort of a dream.  as of recent, she would appear about 15 to 30 minutes before we were going to get up. her little face would appear standing next to my side of the bed, staring into my sleeping eyes.  eventually i would sense her there and ask her what she needed.  everyday her answer was the same, "i want the hotness, momma."  and then she would climb up into the middle of our bed and assume her position. there was something magical about that half hour.  snuggling with my itty bitty became my favorite part of any given day.  it was a peaceful transition from sleep to awake, even if it was a little "hot".

and then this weekend, something happened.

my pops came into our room at her usual time in the morning.  she climbed into position with ease and jammed her legs down between my bent knees.  i wrapped my arm around her and tried to drift off into those last minutes of snugly sleep.  but it didn't come.  my p could not keep still.  she could no longer find her "comfy spot".  she wriggled and jiggled, squirmed and wormed.  and then she announced, "momma, i don't fit."  and just as quickly as she had climbed into our bed, she climbed back out. 

"pops, where are you going?", i asked as she snuck out.

"back to my own bed, momma."

and then she was gone.

the end of an era.  she has not returned for two days.

sitting at the breakfast table today, i realized that life changes.  fast.  she was ready, while i was not.  i miss her soft sweeps of hair brushing up against my cheek.  i miss the warmth of her little body snuggled in tightly next to mine...  the smell of her sweaty blanket and the sounds of her thumb sucking. 

and it brought me back to the need for blogging.  this too could pass, but for now i want to write it down.  i want to record the details of their little lives.  the problems (yes, scott and i considered this co-sleeping to be a problem) of parenthood change on a dime.  perspective changes.  these little ones are only little for such a short period and the joys/struggles change just as quickly. 

sometimes i feel like life will never change.  sometimes the motherhood feels like it is an outtake from the movie "groundhogs day".  and then a new routine sets in.  it may be good and enjoyable.  it may be annoying and feel like it won't ever stop.  but eventually everything changes.  life moves forward- when we want it to and feel like it never will and when we don't want it to and it does anyhow.

and so to pops- you may never remember this era.  your little three year old mind will most likely not retain this early morning snuggle time.  but for me, it will remain etched in my mind as a special time that we shared together. 

i miss you already.  we will redefine it, for sure, but it won't ever be what it was.

i want you to grow up, little pops, i do.  but i can't say that it doesn't come without a little bit of nostalgia for what we had.

while i never thought i would say this, i miss the hotness.