top ten of '18

it's been a while since i have rocked out a top ten blog post.  in fact, my blogging for the past few years has been spotty, at best.  while i still enjoy writing and hearing that click, click, click of the keyboard while my mind processes thoughts, i have less time for it these days.  as my kids have grown, i also find that privacy matters a bit more to them.  not being a super private person, i try not to let that alter my posts, but i also try to be respectful of their stories.  it is an interesting line to walk.    but at the end of the day, i cherish the memories and putting pen to paper (so to speak) helps my aging mind remember things as i saw them and felt them in real time.  a momma needs that.  life goes by quickly and the memories can easily jumble and transform in my mind.  writing them down helps me file them accurately.

anywho, on to the matter at hand...  here are the moments, events and experiences that stick out to me as my biggest and best of 2018 (in no particular order).

1.). Big Sur or Bust

this fall my sister heather came to visit and hold a cabi show, as she does twice a year.  it also happened to be the year she was to turn the big ut-oh!  every time she comes we rock out some kind of adventure- they are filled with life lessons, imperfection, giggles, funny phrases and memories to last a life-time.  every time we start to plan the adventure (usually the night before we intend to go, h says, "let's go to big sur!"  her enthusiasm is great, her desire to explore the coast profound...  but also, not possible as big sur isn't exactly a day trip from p-town.  the girls and i, knowing that h has been longing to visit big sur, decided to treat auntie heather to a big sur exploration to celebrate her milestone birthday.  big sur did not disappoint.

hbd, sister of mine.  love you to pieces.  love how you invest in your nieces.  love your heart for the big guy.  love you love for the in-n-out fry.

2.). Date nights with my number one

marriage is hard.  don't let anyone tell you differently.  it is work and compromise and confusion and yielding.  and in spite of all the hard, it is also beautiful and rewarding and life-giving and fulfilling.  so many highs.  so many lows.

one of the things that i think the buse and i do well is date night.  we fight hard for time to connect and be couple outside of our girls. sometimes we go on dates alone and other times it is with friends.  each option has its place and value in our lives. it is the thing that binds and reminds us of why this is all worth it. at the end of the day, we actually like each other and enjoy spending time in one another's company.  this year was no different.

2018 had some darn good dates.  love our time adulting.

3.). Amador and a girl who is rocking out freshman year

my eldest girl has been a challenge for me- not because she is hard, but because she is my first.  i give her my all, hold my breath, say some prayers and wait.  she usually rises to the occasion.  everything before high school has felt like a fair place to fall on our faces.  we haven't, but i had some anxiety over high school.  "we've" got to nail this but the fact of the matter is it is all her.  i am a witness in this story and not a player.  the win or the loss is all on her- i can coach, encourage, pray, support, assist...  but really we have crossed over into the land where she holds the keys.

and she is killing it.  i love her people.  i love her enthusiasm.  i have mad love for her decision making skills.  i super appreciate her passion for excellence without demanding perfection (there is a line and sometimes it is hard to see- it is human specific and she knows where her excellence lies).  i could do less of the sass and teenager angst.  i have mad respect for her independence and drive.

currently, she is rocking the freshman scene at her local high school and this momma could not feel more proud.  

4.). A long weekend with my momma

this summer i had the opportunity to go "special" my momma for a long weekend.  we did it all.  we lunched and dinnered, volta'd and nyc'd.  we gardened and we cooked bulgarian dishes.  we did what makes her happy.  and i was along for the ride.  my task and mental mojo was to love with abandon.  if you know my momma, you know that this can be a challenge.  she is particular.  she can be demanding.  gentle isn't her strong suit.  strength has been her middle name.  her life has been hard from beginning until end.  my goal was to make her laugh, smile, and get whatever it was that she needed.

it was an amazing time.  mission accomplished = happy momma = daughter with full heart.

5.). Joining Darby Group

confession:  i have been a reluctant stay-at-home momma.  i like working.  i like being busy.  multi-tasking is my jam.  using my brain makes me happy.

staying home with my girls for the last 12 years was the right, best decision, but i always knew that i wouldn't stay home forever.  i also always knew that i was done teaching.  i ended my career being a part of something so life-changing and life-giving and fulfilling- being a part of a start-up charter school in inner city chicago serving the dearborn housing project, which became a part of my soul.  i want that to be my fireworks, the end of my teaching story, the grand finale on a career that started in a privileged private school environment and gradually eased its way into the environment where my soul filled because what i was doing mattered- REALLY MATTERED.

shortly after i left the field, my heart knew what my next gig would be.  this girl, perhaps oddly, discovered that home would be my jam.  helping people find and create and discover their own version of home became a passion.

a few years ago, i had a random chat with my gal-pal about a development proposal in p-town.  at the end of our chat she said, "you should really go into real estate".  and i told her of my passion.  she encouraged me to launch this new version of me.

the timing was not right.  my stint as a stay-at-home momma was still very much a necessity (as the hubs was launching his partnership).

this fall she brought it up again.  "you should jump in, tasha."

me:  i know.  it's just so overwhelming and hard to know where and how to start.

her:  "with us.  jump in and join us."

and so there you have it.  momma has slowly eased back into the work place and launched a new career.  it has been gradual and slow and exactly perfect for me.  we do leasing, property management, buys, sales, flips and  construction project management. i love all of it.  no pressure- but it you need help with a real estate need, we've got you.


6.). Anyone for Tennis?

last fall, technically 2017, my favorite shannie asked some gals if anyone wanted to take up tennis.

ME✋

since i was in middle school, i have wanted to take up tennis.  for realz.  i took lessons with carrie kern in 7th(ish) grade.  mr. node was our instructor.  we were terrible but we had a blast.  and that was the end of that.  in high school i used to walk my friend heather's dog (ladybug) while wearing a tennis skirt.  we would pretend we had just finished a match.  it was a farce.

and so with great joy, 2017-2018 from october through may, shannie and i would meet our instructor ken, and rock out some tennis.  shannie is good.  i am mediocre.  but for the duration of a school year, we learned how to play.  i love it.  i miss it.  i might make time for it again real soon.

7.). Tango

i didn't plan on getting a cat.  really, i didn't.  but one thing led to another and now we have a cat.  i thought she would be an outdoor cat and kill the backyard rodents.  but as soon as i met her, i just couldn't, i just wouldn't let her become a street cat.  the buser fam is smitten with our (not quite) kitten.

8.). My Peeps

this year has been filled with SO MUCH FUN!  i adore the people that i get to do life with.  for realz- not a day goes by that i don't feel an abundance of gratitude for those that walk this story with me.  from the peeps that i hang with on the daily to those that i have less frequent shenanigans with- each one of you rocks.  you know who you are.  love. love. mad love. for you.

9.). Mom2Mom

in june, my friend sally, asked me if i was up for joining her in a leadership adventure of the mom's group at our church.  funny thing was that i had already felt god speaking this "YES" into my heart and soul.  i didn't hesitate and jumped right in.  i am so thankful that i did.  obedience is always a good thing. and it is typically followed by blessings you didn't know you needed. so thankful for these girls that i get to walk this story out with.  and for those attending- i am loving to get to know each and every one of you.  heart bursting.

insert drum roll here...  my favorite part of 2018...


10.). Quality time with the Fam Bam

my three little people and hubs can make this momma a smidge cray from time to time, but that doesn't change the mad love that i have for them.  and let's be honest, i am certain fairly certain that i drive them just as nutty.

they make my heart beat.  they give me purpose. they are joy and love and growth and challenges and  hope wrapped up in humans.  i adore us.  we are far (very far) from perfect, but we are family.  my family.  and this life would not.  could not.  be the same without them.

we had a lot of fun in 2018.

some family you are born into.  some family you choose.  i am thankful for all of it.

nothing is promised to us, and so today i will celebrate the year behind me.  cheers to 2018.  thankful.  blessed.  wishing you and yours an adventurous fun-filled 2019.

beautiful, beautiful!

Watch this!

this is difficult to put into words.

but...  i am going to give it a try.

a few things to note:  when scott and i prayed about moving here, we begged God to not let this move be about a job.  while we needed a vehicle, we didn't feel good about making a huge life change for something that wasn't kingdom centered.

at my going away dinner with my coveted friends, my friend brooke asked the table to join me in praying for friendships.  she intentionally chose to ask my closest christian women, who knew all the parts of little old me, to pray that i would be blessed with friendship.

that felt good.  in the lonely and hard of that first year, i clung to the fact that brooke and the rest of my people were praying for me.  specifically.  to have friends.

I rested in those prayers.

this girl is an extrovert.  she is people people.  i don't do alone well.  i don't do internal processing at all.  i thrive and grow from the outward.  i need people to sharpen me, grow me, reflect me, fill me, fill me some more, and add value to my life.

in our first few years of living in this lovely land of goodness, god stretched me in my church home.  i led this and was asked to do that and serve here and teach there...  and for a while it was very good. i had oodles of friends (in and out of the church).  i grew as a christ follower and felt very much like our "not for a job" mission was being fulfilled by a very generous and loving Father.

and then there was that day...  where God said, "nope.  tasha, i need you to step down from all of it."

"all of it?"

"yep.  all of it."

"are you sure?"

"yep.  super sure."

and so i did.  i remember talking to scott about the details and breaking inside because our lives were sort of built around all of the kingdom things we were doing.  i was fearful that this act of obedience that i had been called to wouldn't make sense for my family.  i brought it all to scott and scott didn't hesitate.  he just supported.  it was a weird and beautiful era.

as we stepped down from our church obligations and began to create this divide, i remember feeling lonely.  i longed for the relationships that i was deliberately separating myself from.  it was weird.  obedience felt so right and yet so hard and yucky at all the same moments.

and very quickly, the people that had been my people for several years, were not my people.  and quickly, space opened up in my life for new people and my social calendar began to fill with people...  not affiliated or associated with a church or a love of Jesus or a mutual religion...  but because of heart connections and a mutual love/respect for each other.

and while i was full because of these new emerging friendships, i also felt lonely and empty because the ones i had cultivated for so long and served with and poured into had forgotten me so quickly.

yikes.

yuck.

and so for many years, i cultivated new relationships and filled my time with people.  not for any reason other than the fact that they were people.  and we had connectivity.  and i loved them.  and we had fun together.  and it was good.  very good.

but it also brought me back to that thing...  "God, don't take us to california for a job.  make it be about kingdom stuff."  and my friend brooke praying for friendship.

and it left me unsettled.  i love my people.  each and every one of them.  right there.  for who they are.  for where they stand.  for what they add to my life.  for what i can add to theirs.  for laughter.  for tears.  for honesty.  for realness.

ALL OF IT.

and yet there was this piece in me that felt like something was lacking.  my service heart wasn't doing what it was called to do.  the piece of me that was cultivated to teach about Jesus was stagnant.  and yet i was terrified...  terrified of falling into an identity crisis where my self-worth had something to do with how much i served.  and i was paralyzed by the rejection and the fractured friendships that occurred when we chose to obey Jesus and follow a new path.  i had lost a whole circle of my life who clearly only wanted me in my life if i gave to them, served for them, volunteered in their circles and met their needs.  it left me dead in my tracks.

and yet Jesus is more powerful than me.

and the prayers of brooke and my friends were heard.

and answered.

and then this summer, after bearing my whole bag of trash to a new friend who loved Jesus, asked me to be part of the leadership for a mom's group (my whole heart on my sleeve) and i had no choice but to say "yes? Yes.  YES!" because God had prepared me for the ask and pushed me into the uncomfortable place of awkward, and serving, and vulnerability and obedience.  ick.

AND THEN...

are you ready for this?

this girl posts the registration link to the mom's (Jesus) group on facebook and a few friends REGISTER.  HUH?  what you talking 'bout willis?  my non-Jesus talking peeps are registering for the Jesus group?  at a church?   where we are going to fo sizzle, one hundy, talk about God and how he loves us and how to live intentionally for him?

Yep.

that happened.

and then....

my sister comes to town and has a cabi party and people get talking to people and suddenly ten-ish friends register for the Jesus loving mom's group.

and they come week after week.

and week after week, i walk into that room and see them, and hear them, and celebrate

that THIS

is

what brooke

prayed for.

beautiful, beautiful.

"Now there's a joy inside I can't contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it's pouring down, I see You through the clouds shining on my face"

and with perfect vision i can look back and see the plan.  i can see how each and every person was part of god's perfect plan.  each and every one of them were an answer to prayer.

there has been a lot of rain in my heart- hurts, rejection, loss and confusion, but i promise you, the joy in uncontainable.

and my heart is full, and bursting, and celebratory at each and every heart interaction that has been brought forth by a friendship circle that prayed for this girl to have people and a god that turned those people into HIS people.

This is ME

when i was in seventh grade, my mom and i moved from marcellus, ny to winchester, va.  just she and i.  it was the right move for us, but at the time it sure didn't feel like it.  i hated leaving behind the town that knew my family and i.  i hated leaving behind my family.  at the same time, my eldest sister had just started college.  i went from living with my mom and sister in a town where i knew everyone, seeing my dad and siblings once a week and my extended family about every six weeks... to being suddenly very alone.

at the same time i learned some other new things about myself.  i had never known it before, but it turns out i was poor.

who knew?  not me.  my dad was middle class, but my momma was poor.  somehow, for the first half of my childhood, i had been fully fooled.  i thought that our financial story was just like everybody else's.  turns out, i was way off.

i was, in fact, very poor.  i had a handicapped mother who didn't drive and couldn't work.  while in marcellus, that is not how i  was viewed.  you see, my small town knew my momma before she became poor, before she could no longer work, before she couldn't drive.  and they saw her with those eyes.  they remembered her from her teaching, tennis playing, library visiting, volunteering at the school, dinner party-hosting,  craft-club member, church- going, study-clubber, vbs-leader etc.  days.  and when her life changed and her financial story slid on its heals, they jumped in on the ready to help her.  there was the family that took us to church, the family that picked her up for a once-a-month grocery trip, the friend who took her to town for errand day, the teacher that picked her up so she could volunteer at the school etc.  my mom had accrued so much love and equity from an era no longer, that the community willingly paid it forward.  she sometimes had to ask for help, but often help just showed up.  in addition to having a super fab community of friends, she was also a super fab financial guru.  she knew how to scrimp and save in ways that blow my adult mind.  she took the wee bit of funds in front of her and maximized every single cent.  (and she did it all while being faithful with her finances to God...  more on that in a post to come soon.)

as for me, i was seen the same way by my community as my momma.  i was loved, cared for, and provided for by a very compassionate network of the kindest humans a person could ask to be surrounded by. i had peeps on the ready to volunteer to pick me up for soccer, skating lessons, girl scouts meetings, music lessons, etc.  people didn't see me as the poor girl from the broken home with the handicapped mother.  they just saw me as tasha.  i was loved and accepted for just being me.

and then i moved.  winchester didn't know me.  they didn't know my momma.  they didn't know our story or history.  it was a town with a racial divide and a socioeconomic divide.  the "haves" had a lot.  the "have nots" did not have much.

i moved to winchester in the beginning of november, on the monday of my birthday week in seventh grade.  my birthday was on thursday.  i remember walking into school that monday and feeling confident and excited and eager to meet new people, while also being slightly timid and unsure.  i knew nothing of this new town or the people who called it home.  i made friends that first day and was even invited to a party at kelly pott's house for the following week.  i was so excited.  as i fell into these new surroundings, i started to notice some differences.  the people that i found myself becoming friends with were lovely humans, but they were different from me. they were well-connected, wealthy, and part of the fabric of the comunity. for the first time in my life,  i noticed strait away that i was not the same.

i remember that first week oddly well.   i couldn't wait for my birthday on thursday because i had only asked for one thing.  i coveted, longed for, needed... even before landing in this prestigous town, GUESS JEANS.  when i was invited to that first party, just a few days shy of my birthday, i had my outfit planned.  i was going to wear my sassy new jeans (that i was for sure going to get) and this amazeballs shirt my sister had given me before leaving for college.  it was from panama jack.  nailed it.  for sure i would be a "cool kid".

and then my birthday came... and there were no guess jeans.  in fact, my birthday was mostly forgotten.  worst.  day.  ever.

i was devastated.  it was as if my entire life was defined by that moment.  i couldn't fathom going forward without the jeans.  i had no idea how i would survive the party.  for this teenage girl, it was everything.  it was the end of the end of the end.

i went to the party in spite of my personal tragedy.  i had fun.  we danced to mony mony, drank some coca-cola, and i made friends with peeps that would later become "MY peeps".  even without the jeans, it was good.

several days following the party i encountered a pair of moms mommas to the kids that i had just bonded with.  the peeps that would be my peeps in the years to come.  the moms didn't see me, but I saw them.  and i overheard a conversation that was not meant for my ears.

"have you met that new girl?'"

"briefly.  her parents are divorced!  and her mom is handicapped!"

"they live on Shawnee!  i am not sure she is good for our girls."

and they went on to discuss all the reasons why, on first glimpse, i was not their person (having never even met me).


SAY WHAT????

can you imagine my 7th grade ears hearing this?  it was terrible.  they never knew.  i ended up being tight with their daughters.  BUT!  in our beginning my ears heard those words.  suddenly, i learned what it meant to be "less than" and a  "have not" and being "from the wrong side of the tracks".

my eyes opened up to what it meant to be poor.  before this moment, my mom had sheltered me from that.   and because my father had a certain level of middle class means, i was exposed to things like nice dinners and fancy family vacations.  with my early childhood eyes, i simply never saw what was real.  and then suddenly, my reality shifted after accidentally eavesdropping on my new friends parents.

yikes!

i tend to reject what i do not like.  and so in true fashion, my personality rejected this entire story.  i tried as best i could to just live out "me".

i had an amazing high school experience and there were certainly moments of my identity being altered by lacking history and being judged because my story wasn't understood.  but mostly, it was good.

later in my life, i dated someone whose parents COULD.  NOT.  wrap their heads around the fact that
that i was from a broken home.  my parent's divorce difined me.  i was damaged goods.  i could never be their son's person.  in spite of the fact that i was.

a few months ago, the fam and i watched "the greatest showman".  SO GOOD!  i love me almost any a musical, but THIS musical resonated in so many peculiar ways.

i was hooked from lyric one.

and then i got to THIS IS ME.  if you haven't heard it, speed on over to youtube and give it a listen.  i'll be right here when you get back.

ok.  everyone on the same page now?

stop it. it is simply just TOO GOOD!

it is my jam.  i cannot stop listening to it.  and now pops has caught the bug and it is pretty much playing some speaker at my house at just about any given moment.  and in the car!  you should see the jam session.  (you might have already at a red light.  it's totally cool.  don't judge.  i was just expressing myself.)

it is my story.  it is exactly what i know i am created for/called to ....  being my super broken self in this super broken world.  claiming a story that is broken but beautiful because of a redemption through christ.  

unlovable.

from the wrong side of the tracks.

broken.

sinful.

rejected.

but loved.

accepted.

redeemed.

embraced.

by a god.

who made me for exactly this.

and every one of my broken parts, scars and moments of shame are for a purpose. 

EVEN WITHOUT THE JEANS.  

you see, the jeans could not, in spite of what i believed in that moment, define me.  they had no value.  they had no currency on who i was.

i have spent the better part of my adult life learning that i am lovable and good and with purpose.  my beautiful father God matched me perfectly with a husband that has spent the better part of the past 16 years showing me that my broken parts are with purpose and being used for good.  he has taught me that running away (while very much my nature) doesn't accomplish much and that he loves me exactly as i am.  and while my scott has modeled this, i have also learned that it is how God sees me.  he sees all my parts.  and when He looks at me He sees His glorious creation.  

can i get an amen?  i mean, for realz.  THAT is MY God!  

sweet caroline

dance season 2017-18 is coming to a close this year.  today d is rocking out her final performances at her end of year recital.

it never disappoints to see my girl on stage.  she shines.  she displays a confidence that i didn't know she had.  she puts her sass into her hip-hop, her elegance into her ballet, and her eyes and smile radiate when she dances her lyrical number.  jumping into the competitive dance arena was a weird one.  i am not exactly savvy in this department.

but sometimes, you don't have to be savvy.  sometimes you just need a friend by your side as you figure it all out.

when d and i jumped into this dance story, a friend emerged.  the momma held my hand as i learned about sock buns and fake eyelashes.  we laughed at the comedy that ensued as i took on these new tasks.  she showed me the ropes to managing dance costume bags and rolled eyes together as we paid the bill for this sport that our daughters adore.  she was my person.

her daughter is d's person.  and ironically, also p's person.

you see, sweet caroline dances with d and was in the same class (a while back) with p.  and this precious friendship emerged.  as sisters, my girls learned how to navigate sharing a friend.  i knew when p was born just a year after her sister that there would come a time  when the friendship circles might overlap.  c was the perfect person to learn to navigate this with.  she just fell into place.  she is such a special girl.  for the last two years she has been d's go-to concerning all things dance.  they hang together between dances at competitions, make up dances when they have play dates, rehearse together and critic each others dance moves.  at the same time, she is still super tight with p.  pops knows that she can share her with her sister and has never once felt like her toes were being stepped on or her feelings were not considered.  it has been lovely to watch and has made me pause multiple times over the year to celebrate how sweetly they have all handled this.

today we say goodbye to them as their family moves onto their next chapter.  they will love their next adventure and we will be fine.  i know.  but today it stings just a wee bit.  my heart nearly burst as they danced their final number together.  it was too much for this momma's heart.

the song that these girls danced together to for lyrical had me from listen one.  it is a remake of an r. kelly song and oh so very beautiful.  it is a good send off message for our sweet caroline.  i know she will rock boise with all of her sass, but if she is ever feeling even a bit overwhelmed or scared, i hope she remembers these lyrics.

I am a mountain,
I am a tall tree, oh
I am a swift wind
Sweeping the country

I am a river,
Down in the valley, oh
I am a vision
And I can see clearly

If anybody asks you who I am, just stand up tall, look 'em in the face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey I made it, hmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it, hmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant
I am an Eagle oh
I am a lion
Down in the jungle
I am a marching band
I am the people oh
I am a helping hand
I am a hero

it is a song about confidence and knowing who you are and belief and overcoming obstacles and something that matters to me so very much... strength.  

we are so thankful for the time that we were able to spend with them, know them and dance on the same stage together.  it is a hard chapter for me to close, but one that d, p and i will remember forever.  

swim team 2018- Pop-a-licious and her coach

my girls swam their first swim meet of the season this past week.  pops, who tends to be a freestyler, hadn't quite found her focus.  she was swimming fine, but not quite digging deep.

 i, as a mom am cool with her jumping into the water and having fun, have met my match with our coach who taps into her full potential.  he pushes her in a beautiful way, to find her best.

this past saturday, we arrived at the pool a smidge early.  upon hitting the pool deck, the amazing coach brett approached my fam.  as per his usual, he gave fist bumps and encouragement to the family buser.  and then he paused.  he looked at pops and said, "girl!  if you give me a one breather today, i will give you a baby bottle pop from the snack shack."  she was IN.

her event arrived and baby girl approached the blocks.  i grabbed her towel and headed towards the other end of the pool prepared to warm her up post event.  i had forgotten about the deal.  i was just worried on keeping her motivated for the remainder of the day.  warmth goes a long way.

rewind for a minute.

a few weeks ago, baby girl was fitted for a roof expander at our local orthodontist.  pops, who tends to be emotional and dramatic, has rocked the new appliance in her mouth.  she shows up every other day for "expanding".  she has been easy breezy... which is unlike her.

the night before the swim meet, baby girl reclined on the couch for the expansion "crank" that momma has been implementing.  when i went in for the expansion, i noticed a roof full of food.

"pops!  do you want me to get that out for you?"

pops- "nope.  i'm all good.  it's just a carrot."

"pops!  are you sure?  i have a tool that can pull that right out!"

pops-  "nope.  i'm all good.  it will come out eventually."

fast forward to the swim meet.

pops hits the other side of the pool and kills her time and knocks out a one breather.  after the ceremonial hand-shake with her lane neighbors, she exited the pool to be met by her momma with warm towel in hand.

"pops!  that was awesome!  did you just do a one breather?"

pops- "yep!"

"yay!  i am so proud of you!"

pops-  "where is coach brett?  i need my baby bottle pop!"

momma remembering the bet, "let's go find him!"

pops- "oh, and the carrot came out."

"while you were smimming?"

pops- "yep.  i told you it would come out."

and off she went.