swoon

my sister showed this to me a few weeks ago.  when i first listened, i was moved, but not shaken.  since then, it has settled into my soul and kept me at a level of unease.

this song isn't my story, but it touches the nerve of my story.  and i've spent a lot of time thinking about that.

i think that the thing that lingers and has been rolling around in my head is that no matter what we tell ourselves, divorce has impact.  it hits hard.

at 40 years old i can remember the moving truck in my driveway.  i remember carrying my dad's shoe rack to the truck in an effort to help him as he moved.  it is a memory that is etched into my mind.  i wish it weren't.  but somehow a memory that took place at an age when i should not be able to remember things, is one that i can't shake.

i don't write today to rehash my own story.  in retrospect, i get why my parents didn't last.  it is complicated and personal.

my husband's parents divorced when he was an adult. it is also uniquely his and personal. he was in graduate school and says he wasn't surprised when they made their announcement.

true for him, and true for me, is a simple fact.  my parent's divorce at early childhood and his parent's divorce at early adulthood has rocked both of us to the core.

i wish that this post could be filled with wisdom and advice.  it just can't.  every marriage, every relationship is intimately personal.

but what i know is this...

marriage is hard.  and while all marriages can't be saved, i think that we have to fight for them.  we have to hold fast to the ties that drew hearts together.  we have to date each other.  we have to have to remember why we loved one another in the beginning.  we have to find ways to swoon.

somewhere back in my early dating years with scott, i gave him a magazine clip.  it read, "swoon" and pictured a perfect magnolia, unblemished or bruised.

the definition, according to webster, means to become very excited about someone or something or to become enraptured.

i haven't thought about that magazine clip in years, but he carried the word/image around in his wallet for quite some time. it was my way of telling him that for as long as he could, i wanted him to swoon over me.  i needed it.  and in doing so, he won my heart.

i look at my girls today.  they thrive when their daddy swoons over them.  when they get a good report card, when they succeed at an event, when they do something extraordinary, when they are their own beautiful selves, when they say something funny- they long for him to swoon.  and so do i.

when i pull off a creative party for one of my girls, or cook a fancy meal, or manage to nail a busy day with getting everyone where they need to be (usually in 27 different directions) with all supplies/materials in tow, it means more when scott swoons over me.

i don't know if the magazine clip in his wallet years ago has had impact, but thankfully, i married a man who tries to do this for some/all of us each day.  he didn't need the image.  it is in his nature.

and while marriage is ridiculously challenging, i think that the swooning has mattered.

and with each act of swooning, my own heart has healed, little by little.  i no longer think that the door is an option and that i will end up doing this parenthood thing alone.

that's sad.  but the reality is that somehow deep in the darkest parts of my heart i have always thought that the door might be an option for marriage.  i didn't want that to be true, but i always prepared myself for the fact that it could be true.  yuck.  i hate that.  but if i didn't say it, i wouldn't be expressing my whole truth.

because it was my own reality.

13.5 years into this thing, i am learning that men stay.  marriage can work and love can prevail.  it's not a given.  you have to fight for it.  really, really fight.  it isn't easy all of the time, but if you swoon over one another, and swoon over the people that emerge from your union, it can last.

but sometimes, in spite of all the effort and all the trying, marriage doesn't stick.  i get that, too.  but i guess what i think this song highlights is that you have to keep swooning.  

children are a tough crowd when it comes to understanding divorce.  since they aren't a part of the union, but a branch that emerges from it, their needs don't change.  they still need you.  all of you.  all of the time.  if you find yourself in a place where marriage hasn't lasted, swoon away.

the babies that emerged from your union crave it.  just look at kelly's eyes as she sings.  she can chalk it up to hormones, but i think it depicts a very raw and real emotion of needing to be loved.  we can love through swooning.

and through swooning over our families (wives to husbands, husbands to wives, parents to children), we can teach those in our families that they matter, are cherished and have value.

do that.

swoon for those that you care about.  it will always produce good and promote healing.  the world is filled with enough negative messages, go above and beyond to foster the positive.