several years ago, my dear friend jennifer lost her dad. in an effort to step in and help her plan the funeral, i was tasked with creating the "celebration of life" program. she gave me the schedule for the services and asked that they be printed on columnar paper. her sweet daddy had been an accountant and it was fitting to use the paper for the services. i went to work.
this past week, in a conversation with my sister, we discussed the issue of "keeping records of wrong". hearts, often not even being aware that they are doing so, keep a tally of when they have been wronged. it reminded me of the columnar tablet from so many years ago and the funeral program that i had been a part of creating.
i wondered about where the leftover tablets had gone. the visual was in my mind and i was curious if we had any left. i wasn't really certain as to what had happened to those pages, but i was pretty sure that some were left over. had the kids used them up? were they stored in a bin in the garage?
later in the day (never having discussed this with anyone and the conversation took place with my sister in private), i walked into the kitchen. sitting at the kitchen table was d. in front of her was a columnar tablet. my heart skipped a beat and i lost my breath for a moment.
it was odd. i had not set eyes on them in years and then here before me, on the very same day that they crossed my mind, one was laid out before me filled with artwork on the kitchen table.
not being one who believes in coincidences, and being one that believes in a God who speaks to us through mysterious ways, i paused to reflect on this occurrence.
and 1 corinthians 13:5 filled my head... "(love) does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong."
it was a verse recited at my wedding and many other weddings. it is the "common" wedding scripture to be recited. nothing new or unusual here. and yet it sparked something inside of me.
i began to wonder "how"? how does the human mind, the one that DOES tend to keep a "record of wrong" avoid "keeping a record of wrong".
we all are less than awesome. that hurts to admit and yet it is very true. i will fail you. you will fail me. i will inflict injury (even when it is not my intention) and you will do the same. but how do we walk through THAT without feeling injured? how do we get hurt over and over and over again without keeping a mental tally?
it is hard, to say the least.
and the conclusion that i have come to is through communication. nobody likes "conflict". ick! that word and that feeling stinks. but if we are to go forward in healthy communication, we are called to press in. even when it is hard.
sometimes it is received. other times, it is rejected. but if we try and press in, if we ask the question of "how have i wounded you" and are willing to tell others how they have hurt or wounded us... being willing to reject the need to defend ourselves and being willing to give honest answers, we might be able to walk forward without keeping tabs on our mental columnar tablet. we just might be able to stop ourselves from making the tally in "accounts due" and keeping a balanced ledger sheet.
is this hard? unbelievably so! but the ticket in doing so, in my opinion, lies in communication.
and so it brings me to this place: am i willing to acknowledge when my actions were haphazard, and caused injury to another human heart? can i own my role in miscommunication? do i press forward in reconciliation? do i do it with my whole being?
and if i don't, i have to question my heart. why not?
the only way forward is through communication. if communication is swift, the elephant doesn't have an opportunity to grow full-sized under the rug. when communication is swift, the ledger doesn't have time to grow.
and when the ledger doesn't have time to grow, love keeps no record of wrong. and in this occurrence, we just love. hearts are wide open and all we feel is the full embrace of another human heart, embracing us with full force. but when we let the elephant grow, we give life to misconception, denial and human hearts hurting.
it begs the question, where will you stand? will you be the heart that presses in? will you deflate the elephant and own your actions or will you grow the elephant and let seeds of bitterness and hurt grow.
i have been on both sides of this story. i have pressed in. i have let elephants grow. pressing in is always the better way. and an awareness that the human heart has a tendency to do this is ever so important. we dismiss. we let go. we give a pass. and then suddenly we find ourselves in a columnar tablet of mess... and the ledger often sways in our favor and in the red for those that we have not addressed issues with.
addressing issues is hard. but with those that matter in our our lives, it makes all the difference. it tells them that they matter. it tells them that we love them. it enforces that we won't keep a "record of wrong" and that we want our hearts to be in tune with one another. sometimes this is rejected. that is hard. but most often, it is met with a desire to get on the same page.
and when we are on the same page, humanity wins. family wins. sisterhood wins. friendship wins. it isn't easy and takes courage but it is the pulse of a relationship. and when the pulse is good, the relationship is pure.
purity is where it is at! this is the place where relationship, healthy relationship, thrives. this is where love is pure and there is no recored of wrong.
and i find it fitting that this was my d's drawing on the columnar tablet...
