my mind is playing a looping movie of memories with my grandmother (and grandfather). the matriarch of my family has played a role in my life that i don't have words to describe. she has been love. she has been constant. she has been always involved and always present. she has always shown up for me (and all of my family members) all of the time.
my first memory of her isn't even really mine- it is one i don't recall but have always been told- when my dad got the news that my mother was having a stroke at 8 months pregnant with little old me, my grandparents dropped everything and got in the car to be by my father's side. they stayed there with him and were there for my birth and through the months that followed (in spite of health interruptions from my grandfather). i don't remember it as i was days old, but it is what i have always been told. i do, however, remember that for the rest of my life, they never did anything less. my grandparents have ALWAYS shown up in my life. they didn't miss a beat. they didn't need an invitation. they just came and pressed into my life in the most special and loving of ways.
in my senior year of college i lost my grandfather.
once again, my grandmother didn't skip a beat. while she was without her sidekick, she continued to do what she had always done- with a smile on her face and joy in her heart. she just kept on keeping on- being the most amazing woman that she could be.
i could write a book about my memories of my grandparents. but words would never do them justice. but what stands out even louder than my memories of the two of them is my memory and history with HER. my grandmother is amazing.
what do you tell about someone that is this wonderful?
there are too many ways in which she has carved out a definition of what an amazing person is in my mind. but if i had to narrow it to just one thing- if you forced me to pick one attribute that makes her stand out from the crowd- it would be her grace.
grace is an odd thing- it is getting what you don't really deserve, by no merit of your own because of the sacrifice from someone else. and this has always been her- she generously gives you her whole heart- all of her love- all of her thoughts- all of her giggles and opinions while never showing you a moment of disrespect.
no matter where you are she just spills this out into your life- love, respect, kindness- grace displayed through the flesh of a human.
a few months prior to moving to calli, the browning family line made a trip to niagara falls to celebrate my grammie turning 90. it was one of the most precious trips of my life. all of her children, grandchildren and most of the great grandchildren attended. we toured the city, shared memories, made toasts, laughed together, cried together and spent the weekend honoring my grandmother. in reality, she honored all of us... again.
i remember leaving that weekend, saying goodbye to my beloved grandmother, with the reality that this could be my last time seeing her. it wasn't that she was sick, but i was moving across the country and she was getting very "on" in her years. it made my heart almost break to walk out of that lobby with those thoughts in my mind, but i also didn't want to take any moment or any breath for granted.
we get moments in life- and we either realize them and live them to their fullest or we neglect to notice the gift. from that moment onward, i have always wanted to realize the gift that is my grandmother.
that trip to niagara falls was not, in fact, my last time seeing my grammie. i got to see her many times since then over the last 4 years and each time has been a personal treasure- a bonus gift of her grace. and each time i have been blessed with time with grammie, i have also been overcome by the other gifts that she doesn't even know she has given me. i have been gifted with a family that in spite of its issues (let's be honest- every family has them) is pure love in my life. my aunties who carry on my grandmother's skill of pressing in, cousins who i share a connection with where we can just pick up right where we left off in spite of our infrequent visits together, a father who has shown what it means to honor your parents with every breath, siblings who i adore... these are the legacies of this woman. her life's priority of "family" is a continual blessing in ways i can't fully describe.
two years ago my grandmother made the trip to california to visit my family and our new home. she traveled with my dad and went to great lengths to see my life- we went to taste cheese at cowgirl creamery and explored a beach in marin. she treated the littles and i to a pedicure and explored main street of p-town. these memories are precious and priceless. i knew it at the time and have savored them ever since then. it's odd though... i think this might be the greatest memory that i will cling to of her... i can feel her in my home. i can see her eating lunch in the garden at handles gastrobup, i can feel her basking in the sun on my front porch, she is present in my day to day life because she made the effort to be here.
and i think that is what life is all about... while we can't all emulate her grace or her kindness (we can try but she is a true natural), we all can choose to press in. every day gives us choices. we can choose to serve ourselves or we can choose to be love and light in the lives of those around us. she always chose love and light- going the extra mile to make those in her world feel loved, cherished, honored... special.
my grandmother is in hospice care right now experiencing her final days. and while i know that i shouldn't be surprised by this, she is sharing her grace and her laughter with those by her side. she is true to her life's character and even in the very end, she is the epitome of class.
i miss her already but have not missed the gift of her.
