a shell and a penny

grab a cup of coffee, curl up and get cozy because this one is going to be a long one.

it starts with a story that leads to another story that ends with a final story. it's that long.

the first part:

from the first day of my life to the present day, my mom has remained constant in one of her daily activities. she wakes early and spends time in The Word. after she does this, she goes for a walk. picture this. my mom walks with a cane and has since my birth. because of this, her shoulders hunch over a bit and her gaze is directed at the ground. she has to look down with each step that she takes, planting her cane carefully on the ground in a stable spot. as she walks each morning, she prays. my mom is prayerful about everything. everything! her morning walk is like a walk with a close friend. she gives her needs to the Lord and He meets with her each day during this time. i know this because of a cloth bound book that she has tucked into the side pocket of her desk. the book is filled with prayers that she has given over to God and then at the top of each page there is a penny taped down. these pennies are incredibly special to her. it is sort of her little love language with her Father. you see, as she has prayed over the years, looking down as she walks, she has found pennies along the way. to her, these pennies mark the moments when she has seen the hand of God in her life. there is a penny that marks the moving from new york to virginia. there is a penny that marks her prayers for my sister during a time when my sister lived with my dad. there is a penny that shows God's presence in the marital choices for her daughters. pennies for financial needs, pennies for emotional needs, pennies for missionaries in foreign countries... lots and lots of pennies. it is a beautiful illustration of how God knows us intimately and speaks to each of us in ways that are specific to our needs. my Father in heaven knew that my mom would be looking down and so somehow over the years He spoke into her heart and showed her that He values their time together each morning and that He is with her.

my sister highlighted this years ago and i am reminded of it frequently. when i see pennies on the ground i think of my mom. they aren't my pennies as this is not how God speaks to me, but they remind me that God knows me and that just as He met my mom in their time together, He is faithful and meets me in my own time with Him. i smile and find great comfort when i see a penny on the ground.

the second part:

this past spring my family took a trip to florida. last year my dad and scott's dad both bought homes in florida. we went to visit both of them (one on the atlantic side and the other on the gulf). the trip didn't go exactly how i had anticipated. while it was filled with some beautiful moments, this momma made some fatal mistakes in my planning. i had hoped that d could handle a big girl bed and that p would fall into a sleep rhythm that was compatible with the new time zone. neither of those things happened. and so the tone of the trip was set by sleeplessness. if you combine two very tired parents and three sleepless children, well, the sum is not pretty.

on the day that we were to travel home, i was spent. my hope for a restful and relaxing trip had not come into fruition. my desire to bask in the sun for just a few short hours in a lounge chair never happened. instead, i had circles under my eyes and was longing for a pair of ruby red slippers. on our last day there, i stood on the beach and tried to savor a moment with my girls. d was frolicking in the waves, p was eating sand and e was collecting shells. in spite of my tired, i took in the beauty of this scene. as i stood there, feeling very much alone, e handed me a shell. instead of placing it into her bucket like she had all the rest, she placed this one into my hand.

"mommy, isn't this one pretty?"

i looked down at what she had handed me. it was a piece of a shell with a small swirl of beige. there were no ridges on this shell, instead, this one had been worn down by the waves. i pictured it being beaten down over and over as it rolled back and forth with the tide. years of this caused the shell to become smooth.

i told e that this was such a special shell. she asked me to put it into the pocket of my rolled up pants. i obliged.

a few moments later, i looked down and there glistening in the sun was something unusual. it was a penny. the head of president lincoln had bubbled a bit and the entire surface of the coin was covered in tiny bits of sand. i smiled and thought of my mom. then i placed it into my pocket alongside the shell. as i continued to watch my girls play, my hands kept fingering these two objects. one smooth, the other rough.

as i tried to imagine what the rest of our day looked like... packing the bags back up, driving to the airport and then settling in for a long flight, i turned to prayer. as i prayed, i admit, i did some whining. i remember asking God, very much like a child, why does it have to be so hard. can't anything be easy, God? i remember thinking about going "home" to this rental house in california so very far away from everything that i had ever known. was that my "home" now? was i going to be a vagabond forever? would it feel like "home"? why was it all so unsettling? would i ever feel rested?

and just as i let that out, i fingered the coin and the shell again. in that moment my head swirled with thoughts that could only come from God.

those thoughts went something like this: tasha, that penny is a reminder. i am with you. i have been your whole life. feel those grits of sand and that swollen head of lincoln? that's evidence of that. for 34 years i have been with you in the storms of life. in the disappointments, in the challenges, in the celebrations and in the joy. even when it would seem impossible that i could stand by you- i stick to you and adhere myself to you. when you chose me to be your Lord, i said i would do that. those grits of sand stuck to a penny are evidence of that. and that shell? that shows you how in the hard i am doing a work in you. i am polishing you, smoothing out your rough edges, making you more like my image with each day. each crash in the waves is marked by these two things: i am with you and it is for a purpose.

tears sprang into my eyes and while i felt like i was certainly going to have to go through many more waves to be polished, smooth, Christ-like; i praised Him for being there. i celebrated in knowing that my Father could put a shell and a penny into my pocket and direct my eyes towards Him. and suddenly, in a moment where i had felt very alone, i knew that i was being carried.

the final part:

i came home from florida and put that penny and that shell on my dresser. i had anticipated telling that story on my blog as soon as i could get home and take a picture of them. but somehow a few days passed and it just didn't happen. a few months later, i got around to taking a picture of them. i uploaded it and then went on to write about it. but something just didn't feel right. i kept feeling like the story wasn't ready to be told. maybe it wasn't finished?

eventually i moved them to a spot next to my laptop. they sat there for months. i looked at them from time to time, but it was as if the moment was lost. it was as if i just couldn't feel the essence of the experience anymore. maybe it wasn't worth retelling.

and then last week, i picked them up. i was cleaning up my kitchen for a party and wanted to move them to a safer spot. it just so happened that as i was moving them an email came in on my laptop from my realtor. the email contained some information about our closing, walk through etc. on the home that we were about to purchase. with the penny and the shell in my hand, i read the email.

and then i paused, fingering the objects once again.

it was another beautiful moment. you see, it was if God was showing me... tasha, remember what i spoke into your heart? do you remember the waves and my presence? i knew then that i would walk this path with you. i knew that you needed to be a vagabond in california to feel the full appreciation for what i am blessing you with. sure, you could have just moved from house to house and not had to go through this waiting period. but then, you wouldn't have seen me in the same way. you wouldn't have known that My hand is the hand that guides you and that My plan far better than any other.

i smiled. isn't God so good? He knows each of us so well, and this should come as no surprise as He is the hand that formed us. from the dust (or pebbles of sand) he formed us all and breathed life into us. and for each of us, He has a plan.

and so today, with a penny and a shell in my pocket, i have been handed the keys to my new home. the very home we had stopped looking for, the very home we weren't going to look at, the one that we were terrified to write an offer on... the short sale that got back to us in two weeks, the inspection that went better than we could have imagined... the details all worked out by the same God that knew this all way back when scott and i sat around a fire pit in michigan and said, "should we do this? are we open to moving to california?"

the same God that planted a baby in my belly just weeks before we took our first home buying trip to the east bay, the same God that walked me through the car accident of my mom that almost caused us to say... "no way, we can't do this". He knew. He walked with us. He went before us.

and while on this journey i have certainly rebelled. i have certainly cried out, "i don't want to do this!"... He has peppered that road with friendships, with smiles, with little assurances that He is very much caring for our every need.

today, it is clear, on this earth i am very much a vagabond. but a vagabond with a great travel agent- the agent that plans my stay in each and every spot where we land. today i land in this house and know that it is certain that my time in the waves is not over. but one thing is also for sure- He knows me, loves me and will never forsake me. not even in the waves.

welcome home.

an open door

back in february, i experienced a day that was clearly marked by moments that when strung together had God's hand print written all over them. i could tell you the very long story, but i promise you it would take a tons of time. instead, you'll just have to take my word for it (and thank me for sparing you from a ten page post... i promise this one could be long anyway). basically, two words were being cemented into my heart. vagabond and known. what??? you should also know that both of these messages originated from a conversation with my sister. you should also know that neither of them ended with her. that's important because it was a such a layered, twisted, cool way in which God spoke to me. it wasn't audible but it was clear.


VAGABOND! KNOWN!


let me explain what those two words meant to me- at the time the two biggest cries of my heart were to find a home and to develop friendships. the house thing was driving me bonkers. we were just a few months away from the end of our lease, just a few more months away from the "need to close on a house" date established by scott's company and to complicate matters, i felt very much alone in the world- like nobody knew me. i felt like everywhere i went i was auditioning for the role of friend. it sucked.


anyways, on that day in february, it was clear that God did not want us to buy a house at that time. i didn't know how it was all supposed to shake out (and at times, didn't really listen to what i knew He was telling me) but that was the deal. "tasha, you're going to feel a bit like a vagabond here for a while. that's ok. you're going to be fine. oh, and by the way, i've got all the details covered." i'm putting words to this as God didn't speak this to me, but the peace that those words suggest swept through my core at the time. i can't explain it- but that's just how it happened. i was overwhelmed with this feeling and at the core of the feeling was "vagabond" wrapped in peace.


and smack dab in the middle of God swirling me up in this new housing concept, He sent me another message... tasha, you are KNOWN. i feel like this part of the story actually could benefit from some of the details. a girl i was getting to know, robin, called me out of the blue and left me a message (while i was on the other line opening up to my sister about how lonely i was and she was committing to me to pray for friendships). the message went something like this... "hi tasha... i was just calling to say hello and just tell you how i feel like you're an old friend. i know we just met but i feel like i've known you for years and that we just haven't caught up in a while. i'm looking forward to that chance to sit down with you and catch up."


UMMM, WHAT?


that one probably doesn't need any further explanation. i got the message loud and clear, God. i'm KNOWN.


i should probably insert here that by wanting to be "known" i mean exactly what robin said in the message. i missed that element of history that comes with a long time friend. you don't have to give the background to the background to the background when telling a story. they've been there with you along the way and they KNOW the details. it's sort of a good, bad and ugly situation- i think i gave my best friend in third grade a poster that sums this up. "a friend is a person who knows all about you and still loves you." that's what i mean by KNOWN.


and i guess it should come as no surprise that two things happened in the months to follow. first, try as we might, we could not even find a house to buy (see, i told you i wasn't totally obedient). second, God worked out each and every tiny detail from scott's boss abandoning the initial moving contract to our landlord giving us a very favorable lease arrangement. third, from the months of february to the present, God has surrounded me with community. now i don't mean to sound all "i've got like so many friends and i'm so popular". that's not the deal. but God has given me very specific women who i connect with in beautiful ways. the short version- i feel KNOWN. sure, there's a lot more to know on both sides of each of these friendships. but the valuable part is, that i want to know these women more. and for me, i feel like that's a two way street.


can i get an amen??? for reals! i stop here in this story and just shout out, praise you Father! you are such an amazing conductor! this is my story, so i've done the "amen" several times but just writing it out again brings me right back to that place of awe at such a beautiful God!

now fast way forward to three weeks ago. scott saw a house on mls. i'll skip over the details of all of that, and simply say for the first time we felt like this was right. we paused, we prayed, we reverted back to the way this "move to california" thing fleshed itself out (God opening a door and leading us to walk through... one door at a time. if the next door opened... walk through, pray, trust...)

we did a lot of praying. we wrote an offer. we prayed some more- not to get the house but that God's will would take place and that we'd be ok with the end results. the house is a short sale, so we expected to be waiting for some time as these things with the bank can take a while.

less than two weeks later, the bank accepted our offer! that just doesn't happen with short sales typically. um, that feels like another open door! praise God! and so we walk through the next door (inspection) on this journey towards a home.

on the day we heard about the house my sister sent me a text with the name of an artist and two songs i should check out. i was in the car at the time so didn't get around to listening to the songs until this past weekend. i had no idea what i was about to hear. and i don't believe she knew the power of what she was sending me. i think she just knew they spoke to her and that i'd like them.

snippet from the first song:
yeah, these are old shoes that i've been walking in
i'm wearing weary like it's a second skin
i've been looking for a place to lay my head

all this time like a vagabond
a homeless stranger , i've been wandering
all my life you've been calling me to a home
you know i've been needing, i'm a broken stone
so lay me in the house you're building
yeah, come on

you are a shelter for every misfit soul
we are the four walls and you're the cornerstone
you are, and you're the solid rock that we are built upon

all this time like a vagabond.

wait, did that say VAGABOND? i listened again. oh, sweet Jesus! that is just like you to bring me right back to this spot at this exact moment! reaffirming the message i received, have contemplated, want so much to know that we have a green light... that feels green to me!

i moved on to the next song:
oh and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
oh, you have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
and as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
this is how it is with you and i
oh, this is how it is with you and i

savior, you have known me as i am
healer, you have known me as i was
as i will be in the morning, in the evening
you have known me, yeah, you know me.

my heart leaped with joy and tears sprang into my eyes. it was one of those beautiful God moments where God of the universe confirms that He is also friend, father, shepherd of our hearts. and in such a brilliant way! you see, in those two songs, i was reminded that being a vagabond isn't such a concern after all. i have a home and Christ is the cornerstone of that dwelling. and i am known- by the only one that matters. but as a gift, God might be blessing me with an earthly home and also as a gift, He's blessed me with beautiful women to journey through this life with. PRAISE GOD!

and so on thursday, we will have an inspection. maybe this is how our "move to california" story ends. maybe not. either way, i rejoice in a Father who has not left me as a vagabond but one who prepares a place for me in heaven. and i celebrate that while i long to have community here on this planet (and He's met that need), He's known me all along.

belief

and while i'm on a role- i think i should go just one step further towards the truth. (even in the truth, we always tend to hold something back, right?)


lately, i've been in an even bigger struggle (as if mommy induced "less than" isn't enough!). i have been struggling with God.


the moment that stands out as the beginning of this was two years ago on thanksgiving. as you know, my mom was hit by a car. the same mom that is handicapped from a brain aneurysm. the same mom that raised three girls alone. the same mom that lost both of her parents before her twelfth birthday. it messed with my head. i found myself saying, "really, God? couldn't you have protected her from THIS?". i fought through that battle and saw God show up. He revealed Himself through the compassion of nurses, the wisdom of doctors, the love of friends. He even showed up through pat the pilot. and i tucked that morsel of doubt in my pocket and moved on, clinging to a God that i know is real. clinging to a God who is who He said He was. i've seen it with my own eyes.


and then came the selling of our house and pregnancy and a move.... i almost don't even want to talk about it any more. it disturbed me. i kept asking, "God, what's the point in all of this? are you here? any chance you want to jump in and lighten the load?" and then He did. so i tucked my ugly thoughts and feelings right into that little old pocket and moved forward. i clung to His goodness and how He showed up. i even told you about it a few months later.


a few days after my mom was hit by a car, my sister's husband announced he wasn't happy in their marriage. what? you've been married for twenty years and you picked now to share that? after the birth of poppy i spent each and almost every nursing session praying for their marriage. i reached out to my brother-in-law. i begged God to bring him back and restore this commitment of marriage. two years later, they are weeks away from a final divorce decree. it rocks my world. and my heart cries out, "God, do something! show up! fix THIS!"


and then there is cancer. my 38 year old sister, mother of 6, mother who buried her fourth son... "are you kidding me, God????".


and well he's shown up in each and every situation. while He's been present and active, working for good, i would be a liar if i didn't confess that i've been beat down. i've been exhausted. i've been wrecked with doubt.


add that to my momma ADD, and i can promise you it's not a pretty head space. i don't like where my mind goes. it gets ugly.


over the past week, i learned that a dear friend in chicago has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. he's young. he has two kids under the age of 7. his wife is beautiful, compassionate, thoughtful. she's even tempered, patient, and a woman who seeks the kingdom. in fact, she doesn't just seek it, she embodies it. this family doesn't need THIS! and my heart cries out, "oh, God! stop the insanity!"


and that is just the tip of the iceberg. there are people in my life who aren't as open (therefore i won't share their stories) but they are dealing with job loss, foreclosure, sickness, loss, loss, loss...


well, it could feasibly turn a girl of great belief into a girl of great doubt. and yet it doesn't. it reminds me of mark 9. now i'm not a religious scholar, but it speaks to me in its most simplest form.


basically, jesus goes up on a mountain with peter, james and john. before their very eyes, he gets "transfigured"???? transfigured means to become the true nature of the son of God. basically, three dudes saw Him for who He really was. doubt gets washed away. instead of their pal, jesus, they saw Him as King. picture that for a minute. they are his followers. they think he's a great teacher- so much so that they drop everything and join his mission. but they didn't really KNOW. suddenly, they are up on a mountain and it is revealed to them. now, THEY KNOW. and then they get caught up in this little banter about elijah.



verse 12 says this: Jesus replied, "to be sure elijah does come first, and restores all things. why then is it written that the Son of Man must suffer much and be rejected? but i tell you, elijah has come, and they have done to him everything that they wished, just as it is written about him.



He lays it out for them. saying, your timeline is right. you just missed elijah. and now, it's time for me.



from this huge, stunning moment in the lives of three of the disciples, they go to meet the rest. they find them in a huge crowd. the remaining disciples are in the middle of a scene, so to speak. people are up in arms because they are trying to heal this boy but cannot. (annoying right? they've been wandering around with Jesus witnessing healing after healing and then suddenly, they look like fools. they can't heal this dudes kid. and the kid is sick. they want to heal the boy.)



Jesus is irritated. why? because it reveals their disbelief.



He goes to the boy. He talks to the dad...



the boy's dad: but if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.



Jesus: if you can? everything is possible for one who believes.



the boy's dad: i do believe! help me to overcome my unbelief!



that's the part that strikes me. you see, here is God. He's just totally revealed himself to three of the disciples. the full monty, folks. He shows them the whole enchilada. and then He comes down from the mountain and sees the rest of the disciples struggling with their inability to fully believe. insert this dad. a dad who longs for his son to be restored- and in his innocence, in his weakest most pure moment, he cries out for something huge.



help me to overcome my unbelief!



that single sentence speaks volumes to my weary, disheartened soul. God knew i would struggle with THIS! He knew that at times, life would be "too much" and that i would have doubt creeping in, seeping in, clouding over my belief. and He knew, that i could cry out- help me overcome my unbelief!



and He knew that He'd be there, right there in my moments or seasons of unbelief. in spite of the fact that He's shown himself to me over and over and over again (like He'd just shown himself to three of the disciples). it speaks volumes about the patience of the God i love.



the story continues. Jesus heals the boy. we don't know what happens to the boy. we don't know what happens to the dad. but what we do know is that behind closed doors the disciples try to get to the bottom of it with Jesus. "hey, Jesus? what's the deal? why couldn't WE heal him? why couldn't we drive out those demons"



Jesus: this kind can only come out by prayer.



can you picture it? it's my life. i think i know the way. i think i've got the formula. i think i REALLY see who He is. but in reality, i don't really get it. not REALLY. and i get frustrated. i am filled with a fear that i will never reach full sanctification. i begin to doubt.



and then God sweeps in- tasha, you KNOW. I have revealed myself to you before. you KNOW me. and I KNOW you. I know you will have unbelief. and I am there in that, too. seek Me. read My word. PRAY!



and when i embrace that? oh, man! i am right there, back at His feet. and do you know what happens? it is usually in this moment that i see Him, full in His glory, at work- even in the most difficult of moments.



my doubt is transformed over and over again, into belief.

race day

on friday night i was driving home from livermore and listening to the radio. as i pulled into my driveway, i was moved to tears by a song. i'll come back to that later.

saturday morning was very exciting. i awoke early, ate the recommended peanut butter toast, enjoyed my allotted cup o' joe, took in a decent amount of electrolyte enhanced water, double and triple checked to be sure i had everything that i needed, and then sat on my front porch a few minutes before keri was to pick me up. i sat there as the dark was turning to day and gave it all over to God. those minutes were precious to me and set the tone for the day.


we arrived at quarry lakes regional park (after a few wrong turns which may have been my fault) but thanks to my former oakland police department driver (seriously, read between the lines here) we made it on time, white knuckles and all.

we made our way to the registration table and picked up our race packets. this was a highlight for both of us. since this was our first race, pinning our numbers on was rather fun. getting our race t-shirt held some excitement.

once we were numbered up, we perused the sponsor tents, stretched a little, made a final potty run and then circled around the stage. they made some sponsor announcements, welcomed everyone and then called all of the cancer survivors to the center of the circle. they surrounded these women with a pink ribbon. the mc then went around the circle where each survivor said their name and the amount of time that they have been a survivor. one by one, each woman publicly proclaimed their survival. some of the women were timid, others proud, and others too emotional to speak- they ran the full range from "survivor for two months" to "survivor for 35 years". it was beautiful. the crowd circling them cheered for each woman and celebrated in their fight with this ugly disease. each woman was then handed a white dove.

and on the count, each survivor released their dove. individuals from all ages and walks of life, unified together by the victory that they could claim in fighting this battle and united by the joy that the word "survivor" brings. the doves took flight.

they flew out of each hand separate and then formed together in the sky. they danced for us for a few minutes- flying together in the air to the left and then circling back to the right. it was beautiful and emotional. wind beneath my wings bellowed out of the speakers. it was difficult to keep dry eyes. i thought about my sister and each of these women. i am eager for the day when she gets to declare "survivor".

and then each participant made their way to the start. there were 10k runners, 5k runners, 10k walkers and 5k walkers- teams that participated together and individuals showing their support for cancer survivors alone. the setting was tranquil. the track for 10k runners was two loops around the quarry. mountains burst up from the earth in the background. the sun was bright and warm. keri and i were ready. we took off from the starting pad faster than usual and slowly found our comfortable pace. keeping with our regular pattern, we slowly began a meaningful conversation. we felt good.

as we rounded the quarry to finish the first half of the race, i started to feel the burn. i laughed as i mentioned to keri that i hoped stacy remembered that time she spit on me when we were kids. i was starting to feel the heat of the day and began to doubt if i could go the distance. and then we crested a tiny hill where scott, e, d, and p were cheering for us. it gave me the motivation that i needed to keep going.

and after we passed, d did a little bit of running herself. every night that i run she asks if she can come. it is sweet. i guess she wanted to get her own taste of the race.

a mile into that loop, we started to feel invigorated. we went at a faster pace than we usually do, and kept trying to slow ourselves down a little bit. but it was difficult. the excitement was pressing in and the finish was getting closer. towards the end we were blowing by some other runners and walkers, with the big balloon arch in sight. running across that finish pad felt amazing. knowing that we had raised a pretty penny (to date $1530 and the donations are still rolling in, praise God) for my sister made me euphoric! for those of you that prayed- thank you! those prayers were felt and sustained us through this run. for those of you that "chipped in"- i don't even have words. keri and i running would have been worth nothing if it had not been for the generous support of so many of you beloved friends. i am in awe at your generosity! thank you from the bottom of my heart. being supported in this way and being able to support my sister in this way brings me to my knees with gratitude.

crossing that finish brought back that song that i heard on friday night. it wasn't the first time i heard it, but i'll think of this race and of the support you've shown each and every time i hear it from this point forward (it's playing as you read)...

...but it's all you need. and Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm and i'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone. it's waiting for you. knocking at your door. in a moment of truth when your heart hits the floor. and your on your knees- and Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm and i'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone. this is the first day of the rest of your life. this is the first day of the rest of your life. 'cause even in the dark you can still see The Light. it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm. and i'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone.

i thought about my sister. i can't make this cancer thing go away. i'm not sure that i want to because the beauty that i see it bring- through friends that have made her meals, held her hands when she was low, sat next to her in the chemo chair, loved on her with gifts, conversations, cards and helped with house cleaning... well, that? that's beauty. that's being "your brother's keeper"- stepping in and being Love. none of us can stop the journey, but man, watching people make it a little bit easier? wow! that points me towards heaven.

and then we were greeted by these sweet faces who celebrated with us and cheered on our accomplishment. it was wonderful!

scott took a few pictures- on a side note, selecting the best "sweaty post 10k run picture" to put up on the web for the world to see was an interesting moment. here we are in our full stinky glory. vanity is out the window.

oh, and those hats? well that's a cute story. remember that drive home from livermore on friday night? the one where i heard the song? yeah, i was on my home picking up those hats. i wanted to find a way to "bring my sister to the race". i found a place that could make me some cute hats- problem though. their vinyl printing machine was having some problems. they could have just called and said that they couldn't do it. instead, they offered to bejewel them with another machine. problem with that was that the bejewel machine was having some issues too. when i went to pick up the hats, i discovered two young girls doing them by hand. it was a friday night and i felt really bad. it took them over three hours to hand make these adorable caps that say "the betties". as i stood there watching them finish up, i apologized and thanked them profusely. as it turned out, girl one was cheerful as she knew the abbreviated version of why we needed the hats from my phone order. she shared with me that her grandma and aunt were both survivors. she was sweet and encouraged me in the run. girl two looked a little less thrilled with the way she was spending her friday night. we got to talking and i told her about the race and my sister. after a few minutes i noticed white bracelet on her wrist.

me: does that say "i love boobies"?

girl: YES! my family has had its share of exposure to breast cancer, too. i'm glad i learned your story. it makes me happy to know these are for a good cause.

pause.

girl: is your sister's name betty?

and then i told the gals about "the betties"- about how my sister blogged about her weekly fillings and had coined the name in an effort to talk about her implants tastefully. they both almost fell off of their work stools. they asked for post-race pictures and wanted to know the final amount raised. oh, and as i stood there i noticed that hat's done by hand went for the fee of $30/hour... i was guessing i would just have to pay for it. she rang up my total-

girl: $12 please.

me: what???

i tried to make her charge me more. i didn't want to pay $30/hour but for the love of pete, they had been placing gems by hand all night. but the girl insisted. the hats i had ordered over the phone were $6 a piece and that was all she was going to let me pay. (hey God? thank you!)

i'm headed there this week with some pictures.

oh, and keri, girl! i don't know even know what to say! your friendship is a gift, your support in this has been amazing, and if it weren't for you and you're "can do" heart i am certain that i'd still be sitting on my comfy sofa each night. wanna run on monday?

the day before the race

tomorrow is the hers breast cancer race that i am running to raise funds for my sister. i feel good- strong, ready, energized, a little bit nervous and a lot excited.

i've been praying a lot this week about the fundraiser component of the race. i long to stand in complete surrender-

an interjection with a little story:

for christmas last year, i bought my hubby a garmin running watch. it comes complete with a foot pod, heart monitor and watch. the three pieces work together to compile the details of your running life- the heart monitor... well it monitors your heart rate silly, the watch holds your data for each run- it is more technology than i can even understand (time, rate, average heart rate/run... as i said, way more than i even understand, and the foot pod- well that little device is stinkin' amazing. it logs each step. after your run you can plug a little data stick into your computer and it uploads your run information. you can graph it, chart it, again, do way more than i even know.

i "borrowed" this little contraption from my hubby who stopped running a few weeks before christmas (and by borrowed i mean, good luck getting it back babe).

it is fascinating and unbelievably helpful. by getting a grip on my heart rate i have been able to find my "sweet spot". when i run too fast, i tire easily. but when i run at the perfect rate (easily found by looking at my wrist) i can go much longer and still feel energized. that's good stuff, right?

the foot pod is what blows my little mind. when you upload the information into your computer you can sync it with google earth. google earth then maps out your steps. seriously. you can look at a map and see exactly where each foot landed on the pavement. one foot in front of the other- but if you dodge and land a little to the right (say, to avoid some less than pleasant remainders from a four legged friend) it shows that too (the steps, not the remainders). it marks each and every step that i take. amazing.

as i have been using this run after run and uploading my stats every couple days, my head has been spinning. i've been trying to figure it all out. i've been sifting through the data and looking for ways to improve. it's mind boggling.

through this past week, i've also been doing a lot of praying about the fund raising component of all of this (as i said at the beginning). i've been asking God to show me the number that He has in mind for me to raise. i've been daily giving it to Him and asking Him to bring forth people to provide that number (whatever that number is). daily, there have been donations. it has been beautiful to see friends and strangers give so generously. i am in awe of a gracious God.

this week, i started to see a parallel between that foot pod and the God whom i love. He knows each and every step that i am to take. He knows each and every step that my sister will take. He uploaded it to google earth long before we were born. He knows. rest on that for a minute. it's mind blowing. this journey is unfolding before my eyes and before my sister's eyes day by day, but God? He knows all the "stats", all the "data", each step already. He sees her need and He's meeting it. He knows what her bills look like, what her treatment looks like, what her fear might look like, what sort of support she needs, the encouragement that will sustain her... He knows it all. already. He doesn't need it uploaded. it's already there waiting to unfold. it unfolds through you and i- the hands and feet of a Jesus that is living, real and very much full of love for each and every one of us.

i rest in that today. it makes my heart rejoice knowing that in this trial (and every trial that is to come), He knows. praise God! and in the surrender- in the giving it to Him, i can be free of worry, or fear, or doubt. the "is this enough God" is removed. and i can walk forward in faith that He has it covered.

and so this afternoon, as i prepare to run, i am thankful. if you've given this week to my sister, i am humbled by your support. if you feel led to give, please, continue to do so. you can click on the "chip in" box in the top left corner of my blog page.

my race is at 9am tomorrow (pacific time). if you could, pray for me as i run. it is sure to be hot and will be a little different than my normal running conditions. i typically run as the sun sets and the temperatures drop. tomorrow that will be in reverse.

much love and thanks,
tasha

"tox"

on wednesday night i had a giant sized melt-down. i'm not sure if that is the right word to describe it, but as a mom of three young girls, it's the word that comes to mind.

basically, my sister was to start her first chemo treatment the following day (thursday). scott was at a work function, three babes were tucked into bed and the gravity of my sister's situation hit my heart. i was praying and reading scripture, lifting her up to the only one that i know that holds her cards and knows how this story turns out. as i prayed, i kept thinking about the treatment- she's going to have to get sick in an effort to get better. i hate this for her. and somewhere in my time with God, tears began to fall... and fall... and fall. it's happened a few times since her diagnosis, but wednesday night was by far the worst. as i write that, i don't want to give the wrong impression.

i believe that she is "destined" to walk this path. i believe that she is giving the most amazing testimony to our creator as she does so. seriously, take a minute and check out her head space. she is right where she needs to be, and she is impacting lives as she rests in the hands of the great physician.

after my giant tear-fest, i came to the realization that i know to be true. God loves her, he trusts she will be obedient as she walks this path, and He is using her to impact people. through her trial, she is showing others that God is good (even in the midst of bad) and that faith is beautiful, for it is the true way that we get to feel the love our Father has for us. when we need to trust Him with each moment, He shows Himself to be pure, loving, compassionate, strong. i could go on and on.

on thursday morning, i was on facebook reading through some status updates. as i scrolled down the page, my heart stopped at these images:

i knew right away what they were snaps of- they were of a marker on my high school grounds. the marker was placed after my dear friend jon died tragically in a car accident. this moment is monumental in my life.

jon was my boyfriend of three very short months. our relationship changed my life. he died driving down a road too fast, loosing control of his car. i tempted fate so many times as a newly licensed driver down that same road, going as fast as my mom's car could go trying to figure it all out (not the smartest way to deal with grief, right?). there wasn't an answer to the question that i was asking- the "why him" remained.

but years later, i can look back and see how it changed me- how God uses bad to develop good.

jon was a young man of faith. he believed in God, in salvation, in repentance of sin, in embracing the cross. we talked about it a lot and it was sort of weird for me. while i went to church and believed the bible to be true, i didn't really translate that into my life.

as i marched into my twenties, with my faith pushed beneath the surface, i kept thinking of him. i kept thinking about how i was letting his testimony die by not embracing the cross. eventually, with the help of the Holy Spirit, Christ emerged triumphant in my life.

i can remember the last time i visited his grave vividly. i had driven home from atlanta for thanksgiving. on the 14 hour ride home, i listened to amy grant. not sure why that was in my collection at the time, but into the cd player it went. and as i drove, God became more real to me than He ever had before. during that car ride, my heart broke. not in a bad way, but in a way that allowed me to embrace the cross. in a way that caused my life to do a 180 and turn towards living with Him. i knew that up until that point, i had it all wrong. God was so much more than i had ever allowed Him to be or known Him to be- God was real. He wasn't just words on a page- He was relational. He longed for me to talk to Him, to be transformed by Him.

i arrived in winc- embracing that relationship. a few days later i made a trip to the cemetery, which i had done hundreds of times before. but this trip was different. instead of going to the cemetery and being angry at a God who could take this beautiful human being from earth, i went embracing the beauty that God allowed me to see through his life. i was filled with gratitude by this boy who lived what he believed. and i was grateful to have been caught in the rays of His light that were cast around my world through jon. it was my last trip to the cemetery, eleven years ago.

while there, i also had an epiphany. jon isn't there.

he's in heaven. i'm not sure what that looks like, but i believe that it is beautiful and pure. while he is missed by many on earth, God used his life's trial for good. i could see it, for the first time, in my own life. his life pointed me to the cross.

as i looked at these pictures on thursday, i had another aha moment. on the marker the words "these moments immortal" are inscribed. it's taken from a new model army song. i realized as i read them, that in fact, the moments of jon are immortal- let me explain.

his life will go on and on and on- in heaven. not because he was good, but because he was a confessed sinner who embraced forgiveness. and they go on further- they go on in my life. because of his influence and the impact that his death had on me (as well as many other events in my life), i embraced the cross... i would venture to say that there is more than just me. i would venture to guess that other lives are transformed because of his impact and his compass that pointed up.

it got me thinking about my sister, too. it stinks that she has cancer. it blows that she had to sit in that chemo chair and will continue to do so for weeks to come- hair loss, nausea, bone pain, bills, children watching their mom be sick. the whole lot of it is less than ideal- or is it?

i suddenly realized that nobody watching her will walk away the same. some of those people, will see her compass, pointed up, and change the direction of their lives. it might not happen right away, it might be as their experiences add up and they see that they aren't "immortal" and that they want to be. it might happen as they realize that being "good" is never "good enough" on its own.

and so thursday came- chemo treatment and all, and instead of the "really, God?" that was creeping into my thoughts the night before, i embraced "thank you, God."

thank you for my sister. thank you for her faith. thank you that no matter what happens, she's yours. thank you for the strength you give her through your word daily. thank you for her willingness to embrace this horrible cancer thing and write about her journey. thank you for the cross.

i read these words in the book of timothy this week-

therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Saviour Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel... (2 timothy 2: 8-10 to be exact)

i'm not sure that's the direction that new model army was going in as they wrote this song, but i'm pretty sure jon would have liked this translation.

*oh, and that pretty babe in the photos? that's my friends bambina. i love the sequence of snaps- uncovering, an innocent one looking so intently at something that doesn't feel innocent at all, and then the clean, full reveal of the marker. not sure why this speaks to me so much, but there's a lot of powerful stuff just in those little photographs. thanks for sharing these a! they really mean a lot to me.

all i need is a miracle

i read a book back in june about examining our beliefs. one of the chapters was on miracles.

last week, i was talking to a friend who said that right before her mom passed away she fell into a coma. the doctors told her that it was just a matter of time. unexpectedly, her mom woke from the coma mystifying everyone. my friend said that she had an unreal clarity and spent the next few weeks sharing stories with her family about her life that none of them had heard before. they had thought they were loosing her, and then she went on to live for several more months. she gifted her family with information that would have forever been lost. my friend described it as a miracle.

sunday, the sermon at church was on miracles.

daily, my e keeps asking me about miracles. she's not convinced that the things she is learning about in sunday school are real. she's also thinking that some stuff she sees in the movies might be examples of miracles. it's made for some pretty interesting chats at our house.

"yes, the Bible tells us that Jesus DID feed a lot of people from one tiny lunch and i believe that the Bible is the true word of God."

"no, Jesus didn't give matilda magical powers like a miracle. how do i know? because matilda isn't real. yes, he could give her special powers, but only if she was real. no, i don't think Jesus will give you special powers, not even if you pray really hard."

i guess you could say, i'm surrounded by the topic. i thought about sharing on the topic in june, but somehow moved on to something different. it popped back into my head when my friend mentioned the miracle she saw through her mom, and then yesterday... well, i'm thinking that a few gentle reminders might be worth something! so here you have it... my experience with miracles:

when my mom was nine months pregnant with me, she suffered from a brain aneurysm. it required some extensive surgeries, one that included the removal of part of her frontal lobe. i wasn't around at the time (well, i was, but i don't remember it). the fact that she lived was pretty remarkable, but i think that can be attributed to science. i'm a pretty firm believer in the fact that science comes from God, so her living was certainly a gift. but i won't go on record as calling it a miracle. i'll come back to this a little later.

when i was around the age of ten, my mom and i were visiting some family friends in new england. as was typical for my mom, she insisted on going to church while on vacation. she and i went to a church that she found in the yellow pages. towards the end of the service, they called me and my mom up to the front of the church and laid hands on her. it was rather traumatic for me. i was in a congregation of strangers, standing at the front, while people were laying hands on my handicapped mother and praying. it is vivid in my mind. they prayed for God to heal her and give her back the mobility in her left arm and leg. they begged God to restore her body so that she would be able to walk, run and function again as she once did. they prayed forever! it went on and on, like they were not going to stop until she was healed. while they prayed, i remember the feelings of anger and frustration sweeping over my body. did these people really believe that when we all opened our eyes my mom would be healed? did they think if they prayed for a really long time it was more likely to happen? sure, that would be cool, but i felt like it was cruel because i knew in my heart of hearts that it wouldn't happen. i didn't even believe that it could happen.

years later, my sister gave birth to my nephew joshua. josh was born with trisomy 18, a condition that effects the chromosomes and causes some physical deformities. it is typical for a trisomy 18 baby to die in-utero. in fact, almost all trisomy 18 babies do. the odds are stacked against a live birth. and out of the babies that live, the vast majority die within minutes or hours. josh did not. i was there for his birth, and spent a great portion of the day praying and celebrating the fact that this sweet boy was alive. i remember feeling ecstatic that my sister had time with her newborn son- she was holding him, loving him and sharing this experience with so many friends and family members. as we sat there, savoring each breath that josh took, i felt my posture begin to shift. i had anticipated that he would not live, but there he was, before my eyes living and breathing. my sister's pastor was with us in that room for most of the day. at one point, we all paused to dedicate this sweet baby to God. not knowing what the future held, pastor chris and a room full of people prayed. i remember he started out by just giving thanks that josh had made it. it took me to my knees. all of the odds were against us being in that room, circled around a baby that was alive. and then he continued. he, along with my sister and her husband, handed that baby over to God and surrendered their wishes for him to the plan that God had for His very own child. chris stood there and continued to pray- he acknowledged that God COULD change josh's physical appearance, that God (as king of the universe) had the power to transform this baby, heal each and every chromosome in his body and give him a long life.

it took my breath away. i remembered that moment, years back, standing in front of the strange congregation in new england. suddenly, for the first time in my life, i believed that what pastor chris was praying was true. God could do that, if He so chose. it was a life changing experience, because while i didn't expect God to do that, i knew for the first time that He could. chris's prayer was not a lengthy one, it simply asserted that He believed in a God that held the power to do so. and when i opened my eyes, there was not even a tiny tinge of disappointment that josh was just as he was when we began praying. what did change though, was my heart. it cemented in me a new belief, that if God is who He says He is (and i believe He is), then God holds the power to do the unbelievable.

on thanksgiving day of 2008, my mom was hit by a car while walking down the street. the car hit her from behind and she fell backwards onto the vehicle, hitting her head on both the car and then again on the sidewalk. when taken to the er, it was pretty apparent that she would not survive the hit and maintain brain function. the doctors kept waiting to see what would happen. from the scans, they could see that her brain was bleeding severely and they assumed they were going to have to go in and surgically drain the pool of blood (which is typical for head injuries of this magnitude). she kept bleeding, but with each scan, the doctors were amazed that her head wasn't swelling beyond what it could hold. after a day or two, the head neurosurgeon made a statement that stunned my sisters and i. he said that her head had the room to hold the blood because of the frontal lobe portion that had been removed 33 years prior (when she was pregnant with me).

it was a miracle. if this accident had happened to you or i, we wouldn't make it. but because it happened to my momma, who happened to loose a part of her frontal lobe years ago, she made it.

if you had said that my mom having part of her frontal lobe removed was a miracle with three young kids to care for, i would have told you that you were certifiably crazy. but there i was, 33 years later, looking at my mom who was coming back to life. by the grace of God, through a surgery years prior, He was showing me how His hand works and that His ways are not our ways. He was showing me that all things have purpose and that we can't always see how the story is going to end. it is sometimes beyond our ability to see.

God knows the whole story. He has each of us in his palm and He is the author of our book.

we can ask God for the ending that we would like, but when we surrender and stop asking why, we get the ending that He deems best for reasons that aren't always clear to us. He can give us the miracle, even today.

i think that often, we get so mad when He doesn't give us the ending we want, when we don't "get our miracle". but slowly, day by day, i'm learning that because our vision is short sighted (focused on the now), we miss what might be our miracle. if God had restored my mom in front of that congregation to her full self before the aneurysm, she wouldn't have had a missing frontal lobe years later. sure, she would have had her miracle but that miracle would have led to her death years later. getting a "no" on the miracle front, was part of how God was writing her story. and it was also part of Him writing mine.

and so, if you ask me about what i believe, it's pretty simple. i believe that giving your life to God means letting Him be the King and ruler of the earth. we are to praise Him, when He grants the miracle (because He can) AND when He doesn't (because He really does know how the story ends). i believe that God performed miracles back in the days of moses and that He performs them in the here and now.

and that's my two cents. what do YOU believe?

a + b = this blog post

as i mentioned earlier, i was in chicago for a week with my sweet ellie girl visiting cherished friends. i'll write about that in due time. but for now...

a.) while in chicago i caught a case of the tears. i'm serious. i don't know what happened but i became incredibly emotional and once those drops started falling, well, they just kept-a-commin. i wouldn't say that i was sad, just emotional. as soon as they would come, i would just push 'em back and try to keep them at bay. but somewhere between chicago and san franciso, those salty suckers just started to flow. as my girl was distracted with a movie, i stared out the window and silently wept. my mind was swirling with thoughts. i thought about friendship and home. i thought about the gifts that come when we let people into our lives, truly into our lives. i thought about my sister. i thought about pain. and through it all, i gazed at this...


those clouds were so symbolic to me. swirls of cushions layered below, that looked like they could catch me if i fell, like a soft bed. i was enamored with them... so much so that i broke out my camera and captured the moment. through this, i realized that life is filled with soft cushions. we meet people that feel like blankets, covering us with their warmth and love. people that are there for us and ready to catch us when we fall. i'm thankful that my life is filled with these people. i am blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by "warm blankets". as i thought of my sister and the surgery that she was about to undergo, i realized that she too, is surrounded by blankets. God designed it this way. He gives each of us support in our times of need, in our times of joy, in our times of confusion. but if we let it, those "warm blankets" can point us to Him. for He is the warmest blanket of all. while have some pretty comforting friends, He is the one that offers the most comfort. amen!

b.) today, while driving through the canyon that lies between pleasanton and freemont, my mind was swirling again. today, God didn't speak to me through clouds. He spoke through song lyrics. i was listening to the song how he loves by the david crowder band and one line just kept jumping out...

when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.

as those lines kept running through my head, i kept thinking about pain. i kept thinking that when we fall into our pain, like those soft warm blankets of clouds, sometimes it gets eclipsed (covered) by God's glory. when we hand our pain over to Christ, not letting it consume us, but letting it transform us, the image that is seen is the majesty of our King.

the song goes on...

and i realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me. oh, how he loves us so. oh how he loves us. how he loves us all.

i was overcome with joy and as God wrote on my heart this amazing love. it was easier to bear the pain that my sister walks through today as i came into the belief that God loves her this way, too. His affections ARE great and He is beautiful... sometimes even more so as we walk through pain. and He'll catch us. He'll catch her in his great warm blanket of love.

oh, how he loves us so!

stacy

i will start with this... i don't want to do this anymore. writing about my life is difficult and at many points since the start of blogging has felt, well, pointless. who cares about my life and why in the world does anyone want to read about the stuff that hits my brain? but each time i feel that way, each time i think about pulling the plug and stopping the sharing of the hard truths of life, God pulls me back and whispers in my ear to go forward. (this is a part one of a many part series, i am certain.)

my sister has cancer.

three times over the past two years i have found myself in the office of a doctor having lumps in my own breasts checked for cancer. three times, i have been given a bill of clean health. praise God! but back in may my sister was not given the same diagnosis. that has been hard for me and i have to keep refraining from asking why this has to be part of her story. God's big enough for that question, but i've learned over time that the better question is, "God, how are you going to use this for your glory?" i stand confident knowing that he will.

i should tell you a little about my sister. we didn't grow up digging each other so much. in fact, we had a tumultuous relationship. there were periods where we didn't speak. but back in the summer of 1997 a lot changed. i was engaged to a boy that lived in camp hill, pa. i was young and very much thought i was in love. and as it would happen, my sister moved to the neighboring town. i lived in my boyfriend's town for the summer and spent a lot of time with my sister, who was lonely, new to the area and at home with her newborn preemie (my beloved nephew benjamin).

it's funny as i look back on that time now and think about the relevance of that relationship in my life. i've asked God a few times about why in the world i went through that engagement and breakup and its purpose to my life story. today, the answer became clear to me.

that summer was a very challenging period of my life. i was living alone in an apartment, working opposite schedules of my boyfriend, working two jobs and never seeing the person i wanted to be with. as it turns out, i spent a lot of my time with my sister. over the course of that summer, she and i embarked on the journey of friendship. we would play cards, play with my nephew and chat.

towards the end of the summer, my relationship with my fiance ended. it was painful. but my sister was there to help me begin the process of piecing my life back together. i went back to school for my fall semester of student teaching and then graduated in december. somewhere between august and december, my sister and her husband invited me to come live with them. it's odd how it happened and at the time sort of felt like a cop-out move on my part. but i went anyway because i was sort of hoping that by being in close proximity to my ex we might be able to work things out. if you had said that was the reason i went back then, i would have told you that you were wrong. but looking back, that was the reason. and it was easy. i had two jobs that i could go back to, a place to live with my sister and the ability to restore a relationship that i wasn't convinced was over.

and so in january of 1998, i moved into my sister's home with her husband and my nephew. i lived there until the day that i moved to atlanta in august. through those eight months, i began to KNOW my sister and for the first time in my life, i enjoyed being with her in ways that i hadn't imagined were possible. (that might be hard to read as most siblings feel some sort of connection- but our journey was different and is way too much to unpack on this blog.)

after living with her, after an adult opportunity to really get to know her, i fell in love. she supported me while i was a hot mess. she didn't judge the decisions that i was making (in spite of the fact that anyone could have). she just loved me through it and was there for me. she supported me and listened as i tried to sort out my situation. for the first time in our relationship, i leaned on her and knew that she would not let me fall. in fact, it was her that encouraged me to take flight by moving to atlanta and following my passions. that road led to my beautiful husband, and in so many ways i have my sister to thank for that.

somewhere between pa and atlanta, i set my course in a different direction and got back on track to a normal productive life. my sister was with me through it all.

at the time that i moved to atlanta, my sister moved to the burbs of philly. she was pregnant with my second nephew, seth and her husband was embarking on a career path change. she proceeded to have six babies. for most of them, i was there by her side to help with her family, meet the new babe, and celebrate with her. the birth of my sisters fourth baby is especially memorable to me. my nephew was given a diagnosis of trisomy 18 at 21 weeks. at that time, i was living in chicago, far removed from my life in camp hill. in fact, i was engaged to my hubby and planning our october wedding. my sisters path and nephews diagnosis rattled me. it rattled me so much that i set out to do whatever it took to be present for his birth. God freed up some time in my life so that i was able to be there for his birth, several parts of his life, and the celebration of his death (celebration is a funny word to write- but it was! when God called that beautiful little boy home, i saw Christ in amazing ways that would write His love on my heart in ways that are undeniable, hard, and true.)

my mind gets blurred at this point- but i need to tell you, that if it weren't for my relationship with my sister, having had her been there for me in so many stages of my life, i don't know how i would face today.

as i said, i have often wondered where that engagement plays out in my story. i've asked God a million times, "why did that have to part of my story? couldn't i have just met the wonderful husband that i have today without having had walked through that other part? couldn't God just have given me scott without having this "failure" relationship as part of my history?"

he could have. i say that with certainty. but as i look back on it today, years later, i find myself thankful. because without it, i would not know my sister for the woman, mother, christian, friend that she truly is. if i had not said "yes" to the man that would not end up being the perfect man for me, i would not have the relationship that i have with my sister today. as she walks her cancer journey, i would not be intimately connected with her. i would not love her with the unconditional love, all encompassing love that i truly have for her. we would always be sisters, but the relationship would never be a part of my soul in the way that it is. it was in this realization that it became clear- this is how God used that part of my life for His glory. i know that without that era in my life, i wouldn't be bonded with her as i am today. i praise Him for that and for the fact that our relationship has even further blossomed over the years. i know that this bond we have between us brings glory to Him. He desires for us to be in unity and only He could have known how being in the same location at the same time could rewrite the path that my sister and i were on. He took it from broken and restored it. i am forever thankful.

today as i spoke with her, talked to family members that are by her side, and ached for her, i became clear of two things. the first is that God wants me to tell my story. he prompted me several years back to share my cancer scare on this very blog. i don't know why or how or the relevance of that in my life just yet, but i know it will unfold with time. i speculate that it could have something to do with the compassion that God stirred in me as i sat in that waiting room or the gentle reminder that we just don't know what the girl next to us is going through... when someone is rude at the till in the grocery store, or we get a honk in traffic... we just don't know their reality. it's easy to be fussed with others, but we just don't know what they face as they travel through the day. the human condition is a complicated thing and it would do us all a bit of good to just throw grace at the world with reckless abandon. i'm still fleshing this one out, but these are just a few thoughts that are floating between my ears today.

the second is that God uses everything in our lives for a purpose. nothing is irrelevant. nothing is not part of His plan. being engaged and having that engagement end was difficult beyond words, but the glimmer of light that emerged was a relationship that i could not have placed value on back then but see clearly today. as i think of my sister's cancer, i stand confident that it has purpose. the beauty of my sister is that i know she'll embrace it. me... i would have done some feet stomping and some fist pounding worrying about why, but her? she's not like that. she takes what looks like lemons to many and lets God make the most tasty lemonade you have ever experienced. the best part? she means it.

do you believe that life has purpose? do you know that God works even through the biggest trials in amazing ways? he does. i promise you that if you let Him, he can make tasty lemonade out of your life's lemons, too. and as much as i wish my sister didn't have to walk this path, as much as i want to have answers and know why this is part of her story, i stand confident knowing that He will bring forth fruit from it.

as i've been lingering in my thoughts, God directed me to 1 corinthians chapter 2 (vs. 6-13)...

we, of course, have plenty of wisdom to pass on to you once you get your feet on firm spiritual ground, but it's not popular wisdom, the fashionable wisdom of high-priced experts that will be out-of-date in a year or so. God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of His purposes. you don't find it lying around on the surface. it's not the latest message, but more like the oldest- what God determined as the way to bring out His best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. the experts of our day haven't a clue about what this eternal plan is. if they had, they wouldn't have killed the Master of the God-designed life on a cross. that's why we have this scripture text:

no one's ever seen or heard anything like this,

never so much imagined anything quite like it-

what God has arranged for those who love him.

but you've seen and heard it because God by His spirit has brought it all out into the open before you. the Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along. who ever knows what you're thinking and planning except yourself? the same with God- except that He not only knows what he's thinking, but he lets us in on it. God offers a full report on the gifts of life and salvation that He is giving us. we don't have to rely on the world's guesses and opinions. we didn't learn this by reading books or going to school, we learned it from God, who taught us person-to-person through Jesus, and we're passing it on to you in the same firsthand, personal way.

and so, while i considered pushing the "delete" button on this 'lil 'ol blog 'o mine, i have come to see that this is also part of my story. by sharing the hard that my family is experiencing, i hope that you see Jesus in a personal way. i pray that is true.

if you'd like to see a glimpse of how God is working in my sister, i'd like to invite you to follow her blog and see for yourself. it brings me to my knees on a daily basis.

jet plane (part III)

if you are just tuning in, you can catch up with this story line here and here. and for those of you that have been following along, you didn't think this story was over did you?

i'm skipping way ahead, now, but i think that it is aptly timed. this portion has two pertinent events. the first is that back in may (while my momma was visiting) we found OUR HOUSE. after a year of looking exclusively in the tri-valley our eyes landed on the property that fit all of our criteria... 4 bedrooms? check. some updates? check. area that could be designated as an office/playroom? check. yard? check... we walked into the showing and couldn't find any reason to not write an offer. on paper and in person, it had everything that we were looking for. and so we told our realtor that we were ready to write an offer. we looked at comps, we looked at the listing price, we considered our budget and we wrote an offer.

and it was accepted.

scott and i were both in disbelief. could it be that our journey towards "home" was finally coming to an end? and then in the days that followed, we learned that it was not to be. while it all looked good at first glance, the inspections revealed that there were a lot of potential problems. while our flesh wanted us to walk forward, our God sense kept telling us that we were to walk away. it was a challenging moment. on the part of my husband, i feel like he wants to provide for us. i think it is fair to say that when (and if) we buy a home, it will be the culmination of that. going back to renting after years of owning feels a bit like going backwards. for me, i have felt like the moment that we buy we can finally feel "at home". i long to scrutinize chips of paint and decorate the girlies rooms. i yearn for something that is "mine" and that i can put my stamp on. but as i walked through writing an offer, examining the reports, and mentally preparing to buy a home, i kept feeling nudged by God. i constantly was reminded that nothing in this world is "mine" and that the only stamp that i need is His stamp of approval. and at the end of the day, it just didn't feel like we had that. again, just like the first offer on our home in la grange, it felt like we were trying to force something that wasn't in God's plan for us. at the end of the day, i was reminded that "home" and "mine" are of the flesh. we have been provided for- for the love of pete, we live in a rental home that we saw four pictures of on-line- and it more than meets our needs.

if we had bought that house, we would have closed on june 30th. as the day approached, i kept feeling gratitude mount in my heart. it is amazing how much it hurt to walk away from that deal and then just a short time later, how relieved i was that we did. i am thankful.

the second pertinent event is that flight we missed a year ago last may. remember that? it's funny, but after we got home we kept thinking about it. on one hand, they told us that we couldn't get on the flight because our bag wouldn't make it. according to post-911 standards, all passengers must ride with their baggage. but if you recall, our bag ended up going ahead without us on the flight we weren't on.

we called the airline when we returned to chicago to discuss this with them and see what might be done about it. immediately, we were issued a credit towards a future flight.

and that brings us to the present. tomorrow, miss e and her momma (moi) will be traveling to chicago. i get chills as i type those words. we are headed to a week filled with lots of time with amazing friends. and that is all possible because a.) we missed our flight last may on a house hunting trip to pleasanton and b.) because we didn't close on a house on june 30th.

as i prepared for this trip over the past week and packed our bags today, i was overcome with gratitude. it is amazing how in the moment we look at the details and wonder why in the world things could be going so wrong, but when we look back on an event we can see that what looked "so wrong" was part of how God was writing our story.

you see, knowing that i was going to see my bestest girls for a week in july has been such oxygen for my soul. while i am coming to love california... while i am making friends in this wonderful town... while i am being shown ways to serve the kingdom in this place... while i have learned that "home" is wherever God places my family on this side of heaven... i desperately miss my friends. i miss being known. i miss being understood. i long to hang with my girlfriends and curl up in a good conversation about nothing at all in a familiar place. and while i long for that for me, i long for that for e.

and so tonight, on the eve of my departure, i stand in awe of my maker for knowing exactly what i would need a year before i would need it. i praise Him for providing those details that would make this story unfold and am in awe at how he knows me, understand me and loves me right down to the tiniest detail.

a mountain revisited

back in april, i took this photo of the girls and blogged about the experience with my momma. you should know that as you read this post.


at the risk of inducing nausea, i will say that everything we are experiencing here in the great golden state is quite new to us. i have spent mere days here prior to taking my boots off (literally- i come from chicago) and calling this place home. i step out my front door on an almost daily basis and stand in awe at the majesty that lies before my eyes. every season has been a new experience. fall was filled with 90 degree days, thanksgiving and christmas were a combination of crisp leaves, bright sunshine and high the 60's. winter was rainy one day and then sunny and warm the next. the spring (due to el nino) was quite wet and chilly with temperatures fluctuating between the 50's and the low 70's. all of this to say, it is like nothing i have ever experienced before.


as winter gave way to spring my eyes constantly delighted in the various hues of green that went up and down, right and left, filled with foliage that was both familiar and unfamiliar (like in the picture above). it was breathtaking.


as i mentioned in my previous post, scott and i spent last weekend in san jose. i greatly enjoyed my drive there. first, it was delightful because i was alone. that doesn't happen often enough these days and when it does i tend to feel footloose and fancy free. second, without a car full of lovely ladies under the age of 6, momma gets to control the dial on the radio. need i say more? but lastly, i enjoyed this drive immensely because it was a new path for me. my eyes were again in awe of what they took in. on all sides i was greeted by the rise of a mountains and the slopes of valleys. it was unpredictable and delightful. some hillsides were dotted with cows, others with palm trees and they would gently roll into valleys holding developments and city centers that these east coast eyes had never seen.


as i marvelled at the beauty, it suddenly dawned on me that most of what i was taking in was brown dotted with green. it was such a strange transition from what the hills looked like just a few month before when my mom was visiting. i kept thinking back to that day when my momma wanted to climb one of our beautiful california hills. i kept wondering what that exact hill looked like right now, late in the month of june.


and so today, i took the girls to that "mountain" and we went for a little hike.



and just as i had suspected, the green had given way to brown dotted with green. the lush foliage of the well watered spring had given way to the sun-dried brown of summer... and it got me thinking about things bigger than a mountain in san ramon, ca.


you see, we are very much like these california hills. when we spend time in The Word, we are like watered fields...


and when we walk away from our daily time with our Father, we wither a bit and become less green and perhaps, more brown.


i can relate. you see, with the start of summer (three girlies non-stop from sun up to sun down 7 days a week) i'm not getting much (if any) time to myself. as i make this transition, i find that the time i meet with my maker is less than i would desire. i've found myself reading my book for my bible study, but not making much time for my Bible itself.


i kind of liken it to talking about someone you care about with a friend, but not actually talking to that friend. you see, i'm reading about my maker through the words of someone else, but not actually meeting with my maker. sure, i have continued with my prayer life. but a prayer life without time in The Bible is a lot like a one sided conversation.

and so today, as i laughed out loud on a hilltop in san ramon, i came to the realization that God is once again gently nudging me... "hey girl, i'm right here. in this california nature i speak to you and point you towards me, but the real way to meet me? pick up your bible, girl! you're just like these hills. when you're in My Word, you're lush and green but when you step back from what i have to say, you wither a bit and get brown around the edges. sure there are dots of green (those lessons you've learned) but there's still a lot of brown that creeps up (the lessons that i was teaching you)."

and so today, i was reminded that to get through this season i need to stay absorbed in Him. to keep my little plants from withering (three bambinas), i need to keep myself from withering. it's funny, but when i came home from our trip i went to my Bible. i am sad to report that in just a short period of time it had accumulated a fine layer of dust.


listen, heavens, i have something to tell you. attention, earth, i've got a mouth full of words. my teaching, let it fall like gentle rain, my words arrive like morning dew, like a sprinkling rain on new grass, like spring showers on the garden. for it's God's name that i'm preaching- respond to the greatness of our God. deutoronomy 32:1-3