my 4th girlie

this girl.  and my girl.  they make my heart happy.

 i have to write about this now, because i don't think that my heart can handle it two weeks out.  i just can't.

but these two were in a 2nd/3rd split class three years ago and they have been besties ever since.  i wish i could accurately describe their friendship to you, but i am not sure i even know where to begin.  they are two peas in one pod...  a sometimes strange pod...  (giggle)...  but one pod.

they play games with these imaginary hand puppets that they call "bear" and "jaguar" and use these voices to talk to each other through above mentioned characters.  it is adorable, slightly annoying and incredibly creative.  they build houses for their american girl dolls out of recyclables and take over the better portion of available floor space in their bedrooms with said materials.  they don't like dresses, or pink, or fashion, or anything that is "too girly".

about a year ago, i offered them each a blank book that i had left over from my mother's group.  they happily took them and put their heads together as to how to make the best use of them.  it didn't take long for them to begin journaling together.  often, they can be found sitting on e's bed with their books in hand, writing stories together, or creating pictorials of the happenings of their day.  i mean really, when two besties engage in collaborative story writing???  how does a momma not LOVE that?  (she does!)

they adopt one another's "likes" and if it is too far of a stretch to turn their besties likes into personal faves, they develop a respect for it at the very least.  they "like" bacon, taylor swift, making green screen stop motion movies, swimming, perusing items to buy (when they have enough $) on ebay, surfing, bethany hamilton, their dads, bunnies, mermaids, and frozen yogurt.

they went through a fairy hunting phase, a gymnastics practice phase, a moshi-monster phase, a movie star planet craze, and various other extensions of play.  when they are together e's happiest of happy emerges.  her smile is bigger.  her eyes are brighter and her confidence is maximized.  they giggle together.  they problem solve together.  hand in hand, they are sorting out friendships, personal challenges, growing from littles into bigs, boys (gasp), and every other aspect of this crazy thing called life.

watching it has been precious.

they are the type of girls that don't need (or really want) to be part of the big clique.  they are a 1:1 sort of peep - as long as they have each other they are perfectly fine.  and while this has had its challenges (being in different grades and all), it is truly what they prefer.  they try to venture out, and each of them does have friendships outside of one another, but together is how they long to be.

and next year that reality will change.  norah will go off to middle school and e will stay where she is now.  i miss seeing them walk out of school together each day already.  and yet this is a very real part of growing up.  i know they will remain dear friends, but my heart hurts as i anticipate the change that they are about to go through.  and at the same time, i feel a peace and calm knowing that they will help each other navigate this transition.  while it sort of feels "bad" knowing how hard it could be on them, it also feels very good that they will be by one another's side as they grow wings.  i know they will both grow wings.  i know that their friendship will change a bit.  and i believe it will be good for both of them to learn to navigate life separately just as much as it has been good for them to navigate life together.

and even as i write this, i anticipate standing on the other side of the door listening to them on a future sleepover as they discuss their new school years and describe their school situations to one another.

but that is a few months down the road...  for now, i will rest in summer and playdates (hang time as they call it...  littles growing into bigs...  changing their vernacular to suit their maturity) and sleepovers and ice cream and just watching them be besties together.

...i will watch them skip off to the car hand in hand to go to the pool with norah's mother and smile because i know that together they are in their happy place.  and what more could a mother want for her eldest girlie?

she's everywhere i look

"wellsville, wellsville, here we come!  right back where we started from.  open up those pearly gates.  here we come!"

those are the lyrics to the song my family would sing every time that we drove to visit my grandparents when i was a child.  when the song concluded we would all play a silly guessing game of where we thought grandma lived.  someone would guess the salvation army dumpster.  someone else would guess inside the high school.  another person would guess that she lived behind a certain car on main street.  and then we would all shout as we REALLY saw her home.  

"i saw grandma's house first!"

we went through this ritual each and every time we visited her.  and it never grew old.  it was a tradition that we lived for.

the car would roll into the circular driveway in front of their beautiful home and we would all scramble from the car to run through the front door and into the arms of our beloved grandparents.

the memory, which hasn't been repeated in years, is still fresh in my mind.  i can hear the sound of their security system dinging the announcement of our arrival (as if the the sounds of shouting grandchildren wasn't enough).  i can smell the fragrance of their home and see the lighting in my eyes.  i know the placement of the furniture.  it is still crystal clear in my mind.

my dearest gram took her last breath back in february.  i was blessed to have her in my life for much longer than i could have expected.  she lived a beautiful 94 years.  i miss her every day. i think of her poise and her smile.  i miss the softness of her aged skin and the laughter in her voice.  i miss the deep blue of her eyes.  she was the jackie-o of grandmothers.  intelligent, coifed, thoughtful, funny, beautiful and filled with wisdom.  she didn't let life meander and pass her by.  she took it by storm- carving out her way and living each and every day to the fullest.  she was intentional as a mother, grandmother, friend, neighbor and human being- always looking for the way to put her stamp on things and be present.

and as i reflect on her life and our shared experiences, my heart is full.  there isn't a moment of my life that she didn't touch and didn't presence herself in with meaning and light.

there are so many days when i want to pick up the phone and press her speed-dial number to say "hello".  but that is no longer a reality.  

i was thinking about her and wishing i could call her last sunday on "mother's day".  it was a natural thing to do on that day for me, and my heart was sad.  as i sat in that moment for a bit, i realized how lucky i am.  she is everywhere i look.  

i think grandma lives...

on the top of my piano in a photo taken with my sisters, step-mom, and aunties from a cherished weekend we had several years ago- reaching her hands into the heavens.

she lives in an obscure painting on my living room wall and in a special chair that came from her antique shop- both of which were delivered to california to me by family members who never could have known what they would mean to me now.  i sit in that chair from time to time and look up at that odd painting- filled with memories of times spent in my grandmother's "enchanted castle" (her loving home).

she resides in my umbrella stand...

and in the hairbrush set of my guest room...

and so many...  SO MANY other places.  i see her every time i turn around and feel her loving memories in my soul.  i miss her terribly.

most of all, i think grandma lives in my heart.  and in that place- i can still feel her and the natural reaction is to smile at the greatness she left within me.  

mr. toad's wild ride

i have told this story a billion times in a billion different ways to multitudes of peeps.  if you have heard it before, i apologize.  i also promise that this version has an added twist.  it might be worthy of a read.

when i first moved to p-town, i joined mops from the jump.  my first session was attended while we were still living in a hotel and waiting for our moving truck to make the journey across the country.  it was on, like, day three of my new life.  it also happened to be the first time that i felt peace over the course of the journey.

as i settled into that chair around the table with other mommas, i was washed over with this feeling of comfort and peace.  pops was in the baby sling strapped to my chest and d and e were in the kid program.  as i sipped coffee and exchanged conversation with this new group of women, i felt a wave of rest wash over me.  it was an "it is well with my soul" moment where i claimed confidently that we were going to be ok.  for the first time in months i was able to exhale and truly believe that california was going to turn out alright.

mops operates on a bi-weekly schedule and after two weeks had passed i was eager to get back to that table and anticipated that i might feel a sweep of that feeling of calm once again.  (those first few weeks didn't hold many moments of calm in the day-to-day and so i was hopeful it might happen again.  a momma can always hope, right?)

the second meeting of the mops group was met with a speaker from a local preschool talking about discipline in the motherhood and how to best show love to these babies of ours while walk through the toddler years.  she was a very good speaker, but if i am honest, the topic wasn't one that i needed much coaching in. not because i've got "mom of a preschooler" nailed, but i was longing for fuel for my soul and some form of a distraction from the crazy life of "mom of a preschooler". (but boy, could i use her now in the pre-teen years!)  but there was something about those moments as i listened to her talk.  i kept feeling this draw to her and a nudge on my heart to know her more.  at the end of the session she passed out a brochure for the preschool where she was director, answered some questions, prayed for the mommas in the room and left.  the brochure felt heavy in my hands and i was sure in that moment that God was telling me that this is where my babes were to go to preschool when the time approached for d and p.  i tucked it in my purse, prayed a bit for clarity, felt a firm confirmation in my heart and went on with my day.

upon arriving home, i tucked the brochure into a file folder labeled "delaney", knowing that when the time came i would check it out.

almost 15 months later, i pulled out that file folder to find the name of the school that i had felt God confirm in my heart as the place for my babes.  i immediately googled the school and examined the curriculum.  great.  it was play based.  and a co-o.  not exactly the direction i had planned on taking.  what to do?  what to do?

a new friend of mine was also planning on signing up at the same school.  we made plans to carpool together and sent each other reminders about dates for registration packets, medical forms etc.  what had felt good, and then felt bad, began to feel good again.  i liked the idea that our girls would go together.

but in the weeks that passed before making a final commitment, the internet kept calling my name.  i began to google local preschools and scrutinize their programs.  several non-play based, academic curriculum schools kept calling my name.  and just as soon as i would set up an interview, God would shut it down.  conviction would sweep my heart and i would cancel the tour.

i signed d up for the play based, co-op school that went against my internal curriculum driven grain.

i wish i could say that i did it with confidence and joy, but that isn't so.  it was more of a, "ok, God.  but you better rock this out and make it fab.  because this isn't looking fab right now...  are you sure this is what you want?  i mean, did you see the reading program at preschool y?  you know i have a degree in elementary education, right?..."  (ok- i might have taken some creative liberties in that little chat with God, but you get my point.  i wasn't "all in".)

somewhere over the course of the summer, my carpool gal and friend announced she had pulled her kids and was sending them to another school.  she didn't offer any explanation and it rocked my world a bit.  my head swirled with doubt and i felt very "left behind".  all the images that i had placed my hope in for these girlies vanished without having any real understanding.  i was hurt, for sure.  but mostly, i was envious.  so many times, i had wanted to do the same.  i wanted to pull the plug on this school and run in the exact opposite direction.  but i knew that i couldn't...  because while i wasn't showing the joy that i know God desires to see in me, i knew that obedience was of the utmost importance.

and when september rolled around, my d marched her way into mrs. christina's classroom and didn't skip a beat.  at the end of the first week they gave d her very own bible and she came home and wanted to sleep with it.  it meant the world to her.  week after week, she would ask me to read the passages to her that she had learned in class.  and then came chapel day.  i had no idea!  but once a month the director, the miss kelly from that second mops meeting would lead the kids in worship songs and do silly things all in the name of writing Jesus on their hearts.  she taught them how to pray and how to be a friend of this sometimes hard to follow invisible God.  she equipped them and filled their tool box with all the skills they will need to know as they navigate this great gift of life- right from the only true source of life.  i know the chapel days were for the kids, but session after session i found that her words were really just as profound to me.  and often i would walk out of that sanctuary with a full heart and tears in my eyes because while i had doubted this was exactly what our little family needed.

who knew that this preschool experience would impact them so much?  not i.  but who could have even guessed that it was also God's plan for me?  over and over i was in awe.  over and over i was in disbelief.  and it was another stamp on my life of the message that God has got this!  my plan always pales so much in comparison to His plan.  my ideas of good always fall so very short from where His idea of good will extend to.

i will admit that there were moments where i cringed along the way.  mostly, those moments were during the year of two in preschool.  dropping off the tuition check always hurt a bit and the co-op schedule of two kiddos was exhausting.  really it was.  e went to kindy a full reading machine- d did not.  but i can say that at the end of the first year of public school, d is right on par reading away and on target for academic success.  as i watched it unfold i could exhale because that play based curriculum didn't limit her or put her at a disadvantage as i had feared.  in fact, it gave her confidence and social skills that have served her well.

our year with mrs. holly was over the top amazing.  p's time with mrs. cheryl and her little friends, perfect in every way for her.  and then this year pulled into the station.  ms. kristin- the teacher that people all over town have asked me if we have had.  she has a fan base- people talk about her faith, her smile, her patience, her creativity and her sense of humor.  apparently she was a rockstar in every way.  and our number had finally come to experience this teacher.

and very little could have prepared me for mr. toad's wild ride the fabulous miss k's WILD RIDE!  it has been a blast!  she takes everything that is already good and fabulous and great about this school and blows it up larger than you could ever imagine.

her love for Jesus- out of this world!  her ability to model kindness, love, compassion, hope and the promise of heaven- off the charts.  the girl can sing. (watch out francesca!)  she takes project time to a whole new level.  has been known to teach the preschoolers some slightly inappropriate camp songs...  jk- they are totally appropriate...  and totally hilarious.  and fills each and every day with laughter and crazy miss k LOVE.

and the girl has nailed sarcasm.  the good funny way that makes co-op days HEEE-Larious!  and pops is all over peeps that use sarcasm. if sarcasm was a love language, it would be the way to p's heart. pops loved miss k from jump street.  and momma found a new friend.  over the course of the year, this crazy preschool teacher became my love too.  the year may be winding down, but this friendship between crazy miss k and p's momma has nearly just begun.

and so today, on my last co-op day ever, my heart was filled with mixed emotions.  sadness.  check.  happiness to spend a day in the most joy filled preschool classroom ever.  check.  elation that my days as a preschool co-op momma are finally over coming to a sad close.  check.  but also because of what it speaks to my heart about God.  i've said it before.  i'll say it again.

He's totally got this.  His plan will blow your mind and He has filled our last three years of my time as a preschool momma with so much amazing it blows my mind.  it was a day to celebrate indeed.

(disclaimer:  we did not ACTUALLY celebrate today, in the classroom, while the fabulous miss k was watching littles.  however, THAT really would have been a wild ride.  but i did want miss k to know that we celebrate her and that she was exactly where God called her to be at this moment in time.)

and because miss k loves the hashtag...

#peaceoutpreschoolthismommasgraduating

#terrified

#canmisskcomewithme

#ineedmrskellyforalifecoach

busy is the new sleep deprived

i was never very good at the "mother of infant" era in this momdom gig.  i like(d) small babies.  i really, really did/do.   i just sort of found myself winding down to the end of the day and wishing that their batteries would wear out so that momma could get a solid 8 under her belt.

whenever i think back to that place in the motherhood, the image of the "older and wiser mother" always pops into my head.  you know the ones that i'm talking about and you run into them everywhere- the people that stop you and point out how tired you look, offer you a little bit of encouragement leaving you to feel like you might possibly survive the sleep deprivation stage that nobody bothered to tell you about pre-kids...  and then they drop the big whammy.  the older and wiser mother just loves to end every conversation with a newbie with...  "just wait.  it gets worse."

um?

thanks?

for nothing.

and have you lost your mind?  what could be worse than driving around the world feeling like you are in a fog, trying to figure out the perfect balance between too little coffee to function vs. too much coffee so that when i get those six minutes of sleep i'll ACTUALLY be able to sleep.  is it possible that exiting the "i left the keys in the front door and can't find them", "i forgot to remember to buy diapers for the 13th time", "i went downstairs only to totally forget why i am here but i know i came down here for a reason" could have a down side?

at the time it was hard for me to believe.  and i sort of wanted to throttle those mommas that that rained on my parade.  in the era of "sleep deprived" i needed to feel like some form of momma utopia was right around the corner.

if you are a new mom...  just stop reading.  now.  i am for reals because what i am about to share is so uncool and i know you will loathe me by the time you get to the end of this post.

i will backtrack here for a moment...

last year i KNEW i was in the end of sleep deprived.  my littlest pops was in the movement of breaking her "creep into momma's bed in the middle of the night" phase.  d was on her way to kindy and sweet p was about to go from 3 day 6-minute preschool to a four day 2 1/2 hour program.  i was holding on to the fact that "momma free time" was just around the corner.

and it was.

the fall held days of e and d marching off to school with p just an hour behind...  four whole days a week.  and it was hard to contain my excitement or hide my smile.  i love being with my girls.  i'll say that again.  i REALLY love being with my girls.  but doing so 24-7 can kind of get a momma down.  i longed for moments of silence.  i craved deep thought.  i pined for getting things done without constant distraction.

and as fall rolled into winter which blew into spring, i realized that while getting a solid 8, a momma could (and always would) still feel like life was not her own.

and it got me down for a bit.

and then i had this giant epiphany.

i hate the epiphany.  it washes away the selfishness and brings light to the reality...  and sometimes reality is a pill that is just hard to swallow.

but here it is...

the motherhood isn't about me.

yes, i said it.  this life and this world isn't about me.

it's about them and so much more.  and that is good.  ick.  hard...  but really, really good.  you see, when life is about me i get swarmed up in a bubble.  i am the insatiable girl that cries out for things of the flesh which never fulfill.

i am speaking in the abstract now, and that is never good.  let me get a bit more real.

as pops joined the school aged party and momma found herself sleeping more, i found myself feeling like i was always on the go.  my life was filled with alarm clocks and schedules and driving.... take this one here, pick that one up there, do homework with her, read this one a book, ask that one about this, and sort out that...  i felt like a juggler.  i always had two balls up in the air with one being caught and satiated while i was working on managing the other two.  and just as soon as i catch one of the balls in the air the next one pops up...  which i could have sworn was under control just one second ago.

there are homework assignments, spiritual applications, playdates, classes, sports, family activities, chores and the basic management of life.  and it never stops.

and it is hard.

really, really hard.

but the epiphany is this...

it draws me closer to God.  it has forced me to realize that in spite of my fleshly need to "get it all under control", i can't.  life is bigger than me and if i am to no longer feel overwhelmed and anxiety ridden, i need to hand it over.

but to who?

God.

God's got this.  He knows my limitations.  He knows my weaknesses.  He knows my "momma can't go on like this no more" situations.  and when i take it all to Him, He carries me.

and i swear, in the no longer sleep deprived but insanely busy phase of this life, anxiety doesn't rule me any longer.  overwhelmed isn't my resting place.  and busy can feel like a gift.

a gift?

has suburban momma gone stark raving mad?

maybe.  but hear me out.

when i have just a little bit more than i can handle, my go-to mode is crazy.  nobody does well in that mode.  and so when i see it emerge, i pray.  i spend some time on my knees asking for help, asking for peace, asking for serenity, asking for superhuman powers to get it all done...  maybe even with a smile on my face.

and in that asking i have seen God answer.  slowly.  gently.  perfectly.

He always draws me in and calms my soul.  He gives me a cancelation of this or a postponement of that when my week feels like too much.  there is always the friend who has no clue that the invitation for "momma's night out" or the long run on a random day will satiate me.  and i could chalk it up to mere coincidence.  i could.  (and for a while i did.)  but the truth is, it always happens just shortly after i have reached the end of my rope and throw my hands up in the air and cry out to God for help...

this post is random and somewhat disgruntled...

but what i am trying to say is this:

when the motherhood has got you down, always know that you are NOT alone.  you have purpose and value and meaning.  your life, while not your own, is HIS.  look for Him.  ask Him to meet you (you'll never know He's there if you don't ask), and expect for Him to show up.

He comes in the smile from a stranger at the till at the grocery store.  He emerges from the friendship that is formed on the kindy playground.  He illuminates from the momma that offers to help and the girl that tells you that you "got this".  He is all around.

and He was there in the sleep deprived, too.  but often, we miss Him.  we see people instead of seeing Him.  we forget that the arms and feet of an ever loving God show up through His creation... real live peeps.

these days, i look around me and i see a lot of other mommas in the same boat.  i see people running from here to get to there to meet the needs of their kiddos...  and they are longing to be encouraged and cheered on, and given rest.

the motherhood is a humbling place.  we can try to go it alone and most of the time that leaves us feeling defeated and depressed and less than, or we can cleave to Him and have sustenance.

and in the sustenance, i think it is very likely (almost probable) that we will see the face of a God who loves us and wants for us to see Him.

will you look?  will you let Him sustain you?  you will you give Him your anxiety, tired and oh so busy?

He wants you to....  because He really, REALLY wants to show you how much you matter to Him.

why the buser family may be "family bedding it" for the next few months...

the buser bunch has done a disney/so cal trip several times in the past.  it was fun, for sure, but due to some height restrictions and age limitations did not allow for a true "family" vacation.  in the past, we have had to do a lot of "divide and conquer".  don't get me wrong.  we have always had a blast, but this disney/ so cal trip will go down in the record books as the year we took disney by storm...  TOGETHER.  we packed a lot into this little spring break get-away, laughed our pants off and screamed our heads off.  

below is the (mostly) "disney ride-cam" version of our escapades.

but before we could get our scream on, we had to get a little beach on...

newport beach does not disappoint...  

selfie with the hubs:

 practicing our handwriting (once a teacher, always a teacher):

see, you really DO love your sisters:

who could mad at this tea party?:

pops and the gang getting our space mt. on:

popsie and her first run on splash mountain:

going back for more space mountain:

meeting mickey:

big thunder mountain railroad "selfie" with d:

big thunder mountain "selfie" with e:

even the popstar loves the thunder mountain:

and a little more family splash:

and while i've never been a fan of "happily ever after" or "wishing on a star", i do love the castle at night and the fireworks that follow:

and nothing beats outer space at night:

e was finally old/tall enough to ride california screaming but momma might be too old...  nah.  you're never too old:

and radiator springs did not disappoint...  although it turned momma into cousin it:

and while we may have chosen to avoid the family bed in the younger years, pops and d (who were encouraged to go on this ride possibly slightly against their will) are voting for the family bed now.  in the words of p: mom, i was terrified on tower of terror.

(note to the mommas of the world...  maybe skip this one for the eight and under group.)

and apparently, momma has lost all sensation.  how is it possible that i look bored on california screaming'?  maybe i rode it one time too many.  giggle.

and that's a wrap folks.  back to school and routine and life as usual tomorrow morning.  i hope your spring break was filled with happy family memories and smiles to last a lifetime.  

run, forest, run

when scott and i moved to cali a little over 4 years ago, we decided to embrace the california lifestyle and become runners.  we sort of figured that while in illinois we could use the weather as a scapegoat, but that moving to a city with an average of 264 sunny days/year that excuse was out the window.  on week one in sunny ton pleasanton, we both bought sparkly new tennies.  we devised a run schedule that would allow each of us to get some street time and hit the pavement.  for scott this lasted for a longer period.  as for me, it lasted for a total of about 3 runs.  i think i logged about 1.5 miles total in those three runs and decided that running might not be for me.  for reals.  i was not into it and could barely make it three houses down.

i should back up a little bit.  as a child i was a hot-potato athlete.  i participated in a few seasons of soccer, a few winters of gymnastics, logged a season or two on the ice dabbling in figure skating and then moved to virginia.  upon arriving in virginia, i discovered that gymnastics, soccer and any sports that required ice were a no-go for girls.  they just didn't have those sports once you hit middle school. i was a little bummed, but since i was a dabbler i quickly moved on.  for a brief stint i took up swimming.  i liked swim team quite a bit but had a hard time with the effects it had on my teenage hair.  i am one hundred percent serious when i say that i quit swim team because the chlorine was turning my hair orange.  i was a confident girl, but that was a not in the cards for me.  and so i quit.

in high school i became a team manager.  as someone who enjoys being involved (and as a teenager that enjoyed being around boys), basketball manager and soccer manager had my name all over it.  myself and a few of my besties would organize uniforms, take stats at the game, tend to towels and hydration and check our "participation in sports" box.  i mean it.  i lettered in managing.  (i have the letter to prove it.)  as a result, i had a lot of male friends and that worked pretty well for me- boys made better friends in that era in my life.

but there was a little bit of sadness due to the fact that i was not, by any stretch of the imagination, an athlete.

around nine months after we arrived in california, those new running shoes that had been tossed to the back of the closet began to call to me.  i can't explain why, but for some reason i felt like i had to put them on again.  it just so happens that a friend i had made at e's school started talking to me about running.  she asked me to join her and i obliged.

for lack of a better term, she kicked my arse.

turns out, she was a former oakland police officer who worked out A LOT and ran almost every day.  on our first run she had me going three miles and up large hills and at a very rapid pace.  i almost died and wanted to transfer schools after our first time out so as never to see her again.  it was ugly.

but i went back for more... because she was my friend and because i didn't want to be a quitter.

and for the better part of a year, i hit the pavement logging three miles three times a week with kari.  it went from something i did to something i enjoyed.  and what kari doesn't know is that in that year, she gave birth to a runner.  i am forever thankful.

in october of that year, i ran a 5k to raise money for my sister who was in the midst of cancer.  somehow, running a race for her felt like i was actually doing something to help her in her journey- while i realize that it did very little for her (aside from raising funds for a wig to wear during chemo), it did a lot for me.  it gave a place to put my energy/cancer angst and carved out time to pray for her recovery.

eventually, i moved schools and took up a new running partner (due to mismatched schedules with my former one).  dawn was up for the challenge and ran by my side for the better part of two 1/2 years.  we found a rhythm and we entered races- a 5k, a 10k and then the one that felt like it was out of the park...  she forced encouraged me to run a 10 miler across the golden gate bridge.

i loved every minute of it.

it was social- i cherished our chat time.  it was invigorating.  it was an outlet for stress and a way to feel a little bit more "healthy".  and when it was over, i contemplated tying my laces together and hanging up my running shoes.  i had a good run, so to speak.

but something within me kept nudging me foreword.  a half-marathon was just out of reach and i felt like i was so close.

and so i kept going.

again, due to changing agendas and schedules, i needed a new running partner.  lynn stepped right up to the plate.  she was in the midst of training for boston (she has been a serious runner for years) and was willing to run with ever so slow me.

suddenly, i found myself logging miles for my short runs alone and anxiously awaiting the long runs each weekend with her.  my pace improved.  my desire to get to 13.1 cemented and in the midst i realized that i was an athlete in the making.

an athlete.  for reals.

and today, lynn and i logged 13.1 in livermore at the inaugural runliv half marathon.

who knew?

certainly not i.  but i can tell you with certainty that i am not ready to hang up the shoes.  i surprised myself and finished with a time i can be proud of.  more importantly, i pushed myself to do something so out of the box for me and felt proud as i approached the finish line to see my family cheering me on.  it felt good to show my girls that their momma was an athlete.

and i guess it goes to show that who you were is never who you are.  we always get to have moments where we surpass even our own expectations for ourselves.  we get to reinvent and we get to redefine- day by day, little by little.

nothing is out of reach.

tootin' my own horn

i can't stop giggling.  it has been one REALLY long week.

a few weeks ago, the hubs approached me with a potential trip to the mid-west in march.  i looked at the books and just started laughing.  if you could pick the most stacked week of the year to be gone, this one was it.  but alas, the hubs has this day job gig and it is sort of vital to the buser abode.  what can you do?  not much.  and so i said, "book it", crossed my fingers, held my breath and said, "we're gonna do this!"

as life would have it, we had an epic plumbing fail a few days before his departure.

monday included the start of a spring sport schedule where two buser girlies have practices at different times and the turn-in of two science projects.

tuesday was a meeting with an insurance adjuster, gymnastics, some emails to send concerning a local school district issue and the science fair.  "i got this!"  and just to make things a little more fun, i decided that i needed to be a lumber jack and chainsaw down a couple of trees.  they had been in the pipeline for "things to do" for a while and our green waste bin was empty.  why not?  (i sang "timber" under my breath while feeling like the queen of the world operating power tools...  if you want to know the whole truth.)

wednesday was kindy round-up registration for pops, a class i love at the gym and an unexpected bout with food poisoning.  (just another day in the motherhood.)  oh, and did i mention day two of new alternating sports schedule?

thursday was more sports, early dismissal at kindy and the need to order a dumpster for bathroom dismantle over the weekend.  it was time to call for a pizza and wrap this party up.  oh and support a friend's home party in the evening (which was a little like a get-out-of-jail-free card, if i'm totally honest.)

friday was another early dismissal, an orthodontist appointment, and while i'm going strong...  i might as well finally paint the office...  why not?

and if i don't say so myself nobody else will say it...  i ROCKED it.  for the first time in the motherhood, i feel like "i got this!"

and then i got the text that the hubs was delayed from chicago...  my first inclination was to cry.  my second inclination was to order take-out and have a dance party.

i have four nasty trees down, three girls giggling, some poor dietary choices, a painted office, a dumpster in front of my house, three enlightened children thanks to the go-go's, a very cute new shirt on the way (from above mentioned party), a third kid registered for kindergarten, two tired swimmers and a smile on my face.  oh...  and i showered this week...  three times (just so you know).

it was sort of an epic week around here.  these moments don't happen often and so it seems fitting to celebrate them when i am able to pull them off well.  normally, i would just celebrate that we are all alive and wearing clean panties (yes, dawnie.  i said "pant

ies" on the blog.).  but this week took "daddy's out of town" to a whole new level!

we even posed for a few selfies...

marriage is what brings us together today

this post is personal.   i will warn you in advance.

years ago, my brother-in-law, approached his wife and told her he was letting go.  they had been married for many years and out of the blue he told her it was over.  he is a good man and i love him dearly, but he had been fighting demons for a long time and decided that an end was inevitable.

i was in the midst of nursing my pops at the time and felt like i had to do something.  but how do you "do" anything when dealing with others.  people get to choose what they choose.  you don't have to like it or agree with it, but it can affect you and those you love, none-the-less.

i chose to pray my heart out.  with each and every nursing session, i prayed for this marriage.  i prayed that my dear brother-in-law would find clarity.  i prayed for God to cement what had been united in matrimony.  i prayed for my niece and my nephews that they would be protected.  i prayed for my sister and all that she was having to endure.  it was an odd time.

and as life would have it, my pops was in for the long haul.  she nursed through the night for the better part of a year.  i imagine that i might have been miffed by this, but for the fact that i had committed my nursing sessions to a very specific prayer.  somehow, the prayer time for my sister, made me tolerate the lengthy nursing sessions more.  in fact, i rather savored them.  when pops would cry out to be fed in the wee hours, i ran to her side because i knew it was special time between my God and i.

through months and months of praying, i witnessed God speak into my heart.  there were days that i felt prompted to encourage and support my sister.  there were days where i felt God call me to reach outside of myself and connect with my brother-in-law.  there were days when i felt peace and there were days when i felt turmoil.  there were moments of hope and moments of despair.  but one thing remained constant.

i always felt like God was drawing me in.  in spite of the difficult nature of those prayer sessions, He never left me.  He whispered into my heart.  He gave me peace and He taught me so much about why intercessory prayer (praying on the behalf of another) is valued in His kingdom.

you see, we don't have to do life alone.  i think so many of us think that we do.  but the truth is, community and "family" and love births itself in those moments where we take on anther's burden.  i didn't have to feel like my sister's divorce was mine to participate in.  but i did.  and while i can't say that i even understand her pain a tiny bit, i know that God spoke to me boldly through this era.

in spite of my sister's willingness to forgive and hold on and move forward, her hubs did not feel the same.  he needed to sow his wild oats.  he gave way to his demons and he let go.

it crushed me to witness this firsthand.  i wanted God to redeem this marriage and to honor the vows that my sister remained committed to.

and as time unfolded it revealed to me the greatness of the gift that God has given us in free will.  it is such a difficult thing to understand, but it is one of the most amazing aspects of the Kingdom of Heaven.  through this time, i learned so much about a God that chooses us, but longs for us to choose Him.  it is hard to say this, but in spite of my sister's pain, i wouldn't change this experience because of all that God cemented in my heart about relationships and two way streets and free will.

i have been praying in earnest for my sister since that time.  i have watched her go through a divorce and choose to be an amazing woman with each and every step.  in spite of the pain, she always chose selflessness.  words just can't depict what she did.  she surrendered self and through each step chose grace and love.  when all things in a human calls for anger, she chose not to give in to the temptation.  when one might show up at the table with a feistiness, she chose calm.  she asked questions.  she loved lavishly and she put her children at the front always.

if i were in her shoes, i always imagined showdowns and lawyers and fights.  that was never her reality.  she always picked respect, the high-road and love.

and i sat back in awe.

it wasn't always easy.  there were many times when anger and frustration tried to grab hold of her.  but her faith was strong.  her conviction was solid and her love for Jesus always was the cream that rose to the top.

last fall, my sister told me about a friend that had contacted her through Facebook.  i'll admit, i was a little skeptical.  but just as soon as my earthly cynicism began to take hold, i felt God sweep in with a peace.

"tasha, do you trust me?  do you believe that i have a plan for those that choose me and love me and serve me?"  (do you notice a theme here in my faith walk?  i am pretty sure God gets tired of these little chats with me, but He never shows it.  He just keeps pressing in and holding my hand.)

it's a difficult question when the cards are stacked against that belief.

but i do believe.

God has been so good for so long.  history would tell me that God is full of surprises.  the Jesus that i love didn't come to die on a cross so that we would always suffer, but He came so that we would experience joy.  the road isn't always an easy one.  in fact, most often it is difficult.  but redemption is true and pure and from heaven.

and so i prayed.  early on in the relationship, i found myself begging God to not let my sister get hurt.

i should probably interject here that my sister is 7 years older than i.  finding myself in a situation where little old me was worried about older and wiser her was new.  it was odd.  it was out of body.  and yet, it was also part of what i felt God was using to define me.  as a younger sister of three, there are so many moment where you feel like you lack value and don't add meaning.  God used this prayer experience to teach me that my prayers matter.  regardless of who you are, He cares.  He listens.  He understands.

He answers.

do you know that?  do you feel that?

sometimes the answers to prayers are not what you would expect.  often they are not what you might anticipate.  but that doesn't make them less "good".

you see, God knows the whole story.  He weaves a tapestry that extends beyond our imagination.  He brings people in and lets them participate (through prayer or encouragement or observation) to His plan.  and then He reveals it and we are blessed with the opportunity of being a part of the story.

heather, my sister, married her mark this week.

mark (the Facebook contact and 4th grade first kiss) was reaching out to my sister.  he had been through his own story and felt like God was prompting him to make contact with heather.  it turns out that the two of them were a romance/love story made for the movies.  they were a match made and designed by the heavens and after years and years, get to have their happy ending.

it is difficult to write a conclusion here.  but from where i sit, i see a God that allowed me to pray.  He sought my heart and invited me into a painful story to watch how His redemption brings joy and happiness and new beginnings.

and i'm not saying that divorce brings happy endings.

but when God walks each day with you, when you surrender to His plan, restoration is possible.  love is to be expected and old things can be made new.

to my sister:  i adore you.  i have since i was a little girl and thought that you were the brightest, shiniest of stars.  you have never disappointed.


to my brent (my first brother-in-law):  you are a good man.  cleave yourself to Christ and you will find that emptiness brings fullness.

and to my newbie, mark:  be the man of God that you are, embrace the "trinity" of marriage and i am certain that both of you will have hearts full of smiles and peace.  life will have bumps and hurdles, but with God as your guide will always be worth the journey.  (from what i know about you, i am preaching to the choir here.) thank you for reaching out to her.  thank you for honoring the sanctity of marriage and i look forward to years and years of joy with you in our lives.  and thank you for choosing togetherness and God's plan for my max, maclane and willsie to join your Smith and Ella Mae on this journey with Christ.  i love you all already.

hugs.

smooches.

and may God write out His peaceful, happy, blessed beyond measure happy ending...

and to my Father:  thank you for using this personal story to demonstrate to me who You are.  in spite of the moments where i doubted You, You gave me conviction.  You have shown me patience.  You have shown me love.  You have shown me community and the value of stepping into someone else's life.  You have taught me that you are the master of timing and You have taught me that You are sovereign.  and above all else, You have given me a glimpse into the beautiful mystery of prayer.  my life is forever changed and i am filled with gratitude.

don't throw the baby out with the bathwater

this is a story that i should have written months and months and maybe even a year or so ago.  i didn't because it was too pain full.  time has passed and the burn has lessened a wee bit.  this one needs to go down in record books and so, here goes...

about two years ago, shortly after moving into buser abode (and organizing buser abode), my girls made an epic sized mess in their rooms.  it has happened to every mom.  more than once.  repeatedly, perhaps.

i naively thought they were getting along and being the "bestest of the sisters in world" while momma cooked dinner...  only to later discover that they were more likely the next contestant on "hoarders of the west coast".  i don't know what hurt my heart more...  the fact that they had tricked me into believing that they were rock star sisters or the fact that they had dumped out every single tidy bin in their combined three rooms.

the first time, i took one for the team.  momma sorted the bins and organized the books.  i categorized the barbies and the calico critters and polly's and the pet shops...  while saying evil things under my breath and swearing i would not, could not, ever do this again.  (if you are a mom of boys, just insert legos for that last clump of words.)

the second time it happened, i rallied the troops and made them join in on the sorting fun INSANITY.    it gave new meaning to "four score and seven years ago".  it took FOREVER.  days passed and we were still trying to tidy the mess.  momma was on edge and the girlies looked like they were about to break.  it was not good.  it was a scary time in the buser house and momma warned the team that we would not, could not, EVER do that again.

it lasted for about three days.

and then momma discovered the mess of all messes.  it was bigger and better and messier than mess one or mess two (or the millions of messes that came before those).  again, i had been tricked into thinking that quiet girlie time was equivalent to sisterly bonding and joyful NEAT play time together.

WRONG.

shame on me for allowing a few minutes of quiet play time morph into 30 minutes of momma getting something done around here finally....

as usual, i am off topic.

this third time, i decided the blood was on their hands.  momma was done.  finished.  kaput.  and so i gave them the evening and the next day to make all that they had aided in going askew, back to its rightful positioning.  pops was too young to play this little game, so momma cleaned up her 33% of the disaster.  e, recognizing that momma was not joking around, went to task and completed her 33%, but d, the less than tidy one of the bunch did not understand that this was SERIOUS.

she putzed and she shifted things in her room, but nothing got back to its rightful spot according to momma's labeled bins.  after the original allotted time, momma made a concession.

"d-bugs, you have until the end of the week.  every day you will clean your room until it is done.  you will not play with your sisters.  you will not watch tv.  you will not play alone.  you will finish what you started.  you will do what you have undone.  i mean it.  i'm not taking it back.  this isn't a joke."

(don't judge.  it is what i HAD to do.  i was not happy about it, but the motherhood is not always fair. this was one of those times.)

and so for the remainder of the week (a day or so), d was banished to her room and repeatedly charged with the task of getting it back in order.

until she didn't.

and the week ended.

rut-ro.  momma was in uncharted territory.  both sisters had heard my decree and my reputation was on the line.

"delaney, momma is taking away all of your toys."

(insert sobbing hysterics)

"you can earn them back.  i'm going to scoop up everything on your floor and if you have two weeks of a clean room at bedtime, i will return what i have scooped.  if not, it goes to the donation pile.  we'll give it to a kid who can handle this many cool and amazing toys."

...................................................................................................................................................................

we shall pause this story to insert that the hubs was at a meeting on the night that the big scoop up went down.  momma scooped up all the toys and placed them into a trash bag.  she placed the trash bag off to the side in the garage and announced to the hubs that he should ignore said bag because it contained all of the beloved toys that d-bugs could not muster the energy to put away...  in a weeks time.

...................................................................................................................................................................

upon the completion of two weeks, d had earned her bag of toys back.  she was missing all of her coveted treasures and she had gone to task in accomplishing the "clean room" assignment.  on day 15, i went to the garage to gather her treasures.

but what to my wondering eyes should NOT appear???

the trash bag.

gone.

missing.

hiding behind something else?  no.

hiding under the another pile of crap treasure we store in the garage?  no.

absent.

not to be found.

momma made a quick call to the hubs assuming that he had stashed it someplace safe.

wrong.

for the history books, i will report THAT was not a fun a phone call.  hubs immediately recognized his error and acknowledged that for shizzle he had thrown it away in spite of what i had told him.  he was in trash mode and didn't think twice.  thankfully, momma was in "gracious wife" mode when this call went down and realized that it was an honest mistake.

upon assessing the middle child's room, the hubs and i realized that we had given p-town's dump two american girl dolls (if you don't know what these means, google it.  this was a pricey mistake), many additional american girl doll accessories, pet shops, my little pony's, random riffraff, expensive hair bows, a shirt or two, possibly some unders,  a barbie or two and one of every single barbie shoe that all three girls collectively own, and a large number of books.

ouch.

and d had worked hard to earn them back.

again, uncharted momma territory.  it didn't seem right to punish the girl for an innocent mistake and so momma and daddy went to task in righting our wrong.  we gave her a target allowance to purchase new toys and we re-bought the american girl dolls (with one being a retired doll that we had to buy on e-bay for double the price).

but dare i say, it was a lesson learned.  my girls take me seriously when i tell them that their rooms need to be clean at bedtime and since the dreaded day, we have not needed to fill any trash bags with toys.  it was an expensive lesson.  one we will hear about and feel the pain of for years to come, but a lesson none the less.

(there is no bathwater in this story.  however, there were two babies.)

gigi

suburban momma is not quite herself.  the past few weeks have been an out of body experience where my body is going through the motions of life but my mind is in a different place.

my mind is playing a looping movie of memories with my grandmother (and grandfather).  the matriarch of my family has played a role in my life that i don't have words to describe.  she has been love.  she has been constant.  she has been always involved and always present.  she has always shown up for me (and all of my family members) all of the time.

my first memory of her isn't even really mine- it is one i don't recall but have always been told- when my dad got the news that my mother was having a stroke at 8 months pregnant with little old me, my grandparents dropped everything and got in the car to be by my father's side.  they stayed there with him and were there for my birth and through the months that followed (in spite of health interruptions from my grandfather).  i don't remember it as i was days old, but it is what i have always been told.  i do, however,  remember that for the rest of my life, they never did anything less.  my grandparents have ALWAYS shown up in my life.  they didn't miss a beat.  they didn't need an invitation.  they just came and pressed into my life in the most special and loving of ways.

in my senior year of college i lost my grandfather.

once again, my grandmother didn't skip a beat.  while she was without her sidekick, she continued to do what she had always done- with a smile on her face and joy in her heart.  she just kept on keeping on- being the most amazing woman that she could be.

i could write a book about my memories of my grandparents.  but words would never do them justice.  but what stands out even louder than my memories of the two of them is my memory and history with HER.  my grandmother is amazing.

what do you tell about someone that is this wonderful?

there are too many ways in which she has carved out a definition of what an amazing person is in my mind.  but if i had to narrow it to just one thing- if you forced me to pick one attribute that makes her stand out from the crowd- it would be her grace.

grace is an odd thing- it is getting what you don't really deserve, by no merit of your own because of the sacrifice from someone else.  and this has always been her- she generously gives you her whole heart- all of her love- all of her thoughts- all of her giggles and opinions while never showing you a moment of disrespect.

no matter where you are she just spills this out into your life- love, respect, kindness- grace displayed through the flesh of a human.

a few months prior to moving to calli, the browning family line made a trip to niagara falls to celebrate my grammie turning 90.  it was one of the most precious trips of my life.  all of her children, grandchildren and most of the great grandchildren attended.  we toured the city, shared memories, made toasts, laughed together, cried together and spent the weekend honoring my grandmother.  in reality, she honored all of us...  again.

i remember leaving that weekend, saying goodbye to my beloved grandmother, with the reality that this could be my last time seeing her.  it wasn't that she was sick, but i was moving across the country and she was getting very "on" in her years.  it made my heart almost break to walk out of that lobby with those thoughts in my mind, but i also didn't want to take any moment or any breath for granted.

we get moments in life- and we either realize them and live them to their fullest or we neglect to notice the gift.  from that moment onward, i have always wanted to realize the gift that is my grandmother.

that trip to niagara falls was not, in fact, my last time seeing my grammie.  i got to see her many times since then over the last 4 years and each time has been a personal treasure- a bonus gift of her grace.  and each time i have been blessed with time with grammie, i have also been overcome by the other gifts that she doesn't even know she has given me.  i have been gifted with a family that in spite of its issues (let's be honest- every family has them) is pure love in my life.  my aunties who carry on my grandmother's skill of pressing in, cousins who i share a connection with where we can just pick up right where we left off in spite of our infrequent visits together, a father who has shown what it means to honor your parents with every breath, siblings who i adore...  these are the legacies of this woman. her life's priority of "family" is a continual blessing in ways i can't fully describe.

two years ago my grandmother made the trip to california to visit my family and our new home.  she traveled with my dad and went to great lengths to see my life- we went to taste cheese at cowgirl creamery and explored a beach in marin.  she treated the littles and i to a pedicure and explored main street of p-town.  these memories are precious and priceless.  i knew it at the time and have savored them ever since then.  it's odd though...  i think this might be the greatest memory that i will cling to of her...  i can feel her in my home.  i can see her eating lunch in the garden at handles gastrobup, i can feel her basking in the sun on my front porch, she is present in my day to day life because she made the effort to be here.

and i think that is what life is all about...  while we can't all emulate her grace or her kindness (we can try but she is a true natural), we all can choose to press in.  every day gives us choices.  we can choose to serve ourselves or we can choose to be love and light in the lives of those around us.  she always chose love and light- going the extra mile to make those in her world feel loved, cherished, honored... special.

my grandmother is in hospice care right now experiencing her final days.  and while i know that i shouldn't be surprised by this, she is sharing her grace and her laughter with those by her side.  she is true to her life's character and even in the very end, she is the epitome of class.

i miss her already but have not missed the gift of her.

rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens

 these are a few of my favorite things from 2013…

beach days.  this is just one snap of many amazing days on various beaches that we have visited this year.  my heart is at its fullest when i can feel the ocean breeze and hear the sounds of the water.  i think my girls are a lot like their momma in this way as they tend to be at their best when frolicking in the water or building in the sand.

beginning an adventure with native gardening.  i know that sounds odd to make my "favorites of 2013" list, but it really is.  i started out knowing absolutely nothing.  nada.  zilch.  and slowly, i am beginning to know a tiny bit more.  i have enjoyed taking on this new territory of learning and enjoyed the process (with some wins and some losses) of starting to tend to the earth.  it makes me smile when i enter and exit our home and i look forward to continuing in this process.

watching d flourish in preschool and "graduate" to kindy.  she had an amazing year last year- in every way!  her friends at SLP were top notch, her teacher was one in a million and the learning that took place will hopefully stick with her for years to come as she walks forward in a relationship with God.  it's hard to believe that i now have two girlies in big-kid school!

these ladies- for so much more than a paragraph can explain.  love your girlies to the moon and back.

hiking with dad- the beach- a lighthouse- family adventures…  this picture is one of my favorites because it reminds me of so many good times with these crazies over the past year.  i love getting in the car and taking in a new scene.  love.  love.  love.

adventures with this girlie and a special day in pescadero- cheese, wine, coffee mugs, almost running out of gas (shhh- don't tell the hubs!) and being almost eaten by a goat.

family vacation in san diego.  love.  love.  love.  we've never been a vacation repeat kinda family- but this year we were.  and it was glorious.  i loved so many things about it!  and this guy- he's my gibraltar.

bethany hamilton and this 4th grade girlie….  enough said.

two snaps- one event…  a co-hosted favorite things party in my backyard.  planning, painting, crafting, cooking and then enjoying a backyard filled with some of the most wonderful ladies in pleasanton.  this was one of my favorite things from 2013.

running the golden gate bridge and a ten mile race.  i never knew i wanted to (it was NOT my idea), i never thought i could…  and doing it and meeting new people and enjoying the beauty of this place…  and did i say being able to run ten miles and never even thinking i had that in me and wanting to do it again when i was all finished because it was that exhilarating!

chicago with this crazy clan to celebrate my favorite laura and her nuptials.  we had the week of our lives- great time with great friends, yummy food, fabulous sights, relaxation, and a complete realization that we are right where we belong- in spite of how much i miss where we were.

celebrating this girl- a late night out, dancing, limos and the gift of friendship from someone who is an indescribable human and "auntie" to my girls.  she is awesome (and old…  giggle). blessed.  beyond.  measure.

happy new year!