it's just you and me kid

a few months back pops and i were sitting at the kitchen table together chatting.  the rest of our crazy clan was not around and it was just penelope and i.  at the end of our chat she looked up at me and said, "it's just you and me kid."  she hopped down from her chair and she gave me a little squeeze.  and then she skipped out of the room with her little pony tail bobbing behind her.

it is one of those "click" moments where you try and carve it into your brain and hold onto the memory forever.

i have no idea where the wee one heard those words.  i had never said it to her that i can recall.  i don't remember anyone saying it to her.  but certainly, she picked it up somewhere and stored it in her head.  and then she pulled it out at a moment that was perfect.

since that day, when she and i are together and alone (which happens very rarely), i say it back to her.

"pops, it's just you and me kid!"

and she giggles and repeats it and snuggles up for a moment as if to savor the moment of alone time with momma.  as my third, she knows that this is rare and special.

this past weekend, the hubs took the e and d on a saturday rafting trip for y princesses.  p and i were to hang back at home.  a few days before the trip i told pops about it.  i told her that it was going to be her special day and that she could choose anything she wanted to do with me and that she would have me all to herself.

we snuggled in my bed and brainstormed ideas about what we might do.  after much debate (and me trying to throw out some grand offers), she landed on frozen yogurt.  that's it.  that's all.  nothing more.  the kid wanted ice cream. once that negotiation was settled, pops paused and said, "are you sure sisters won't be with us?"

i nodded my head and reassured her that it was just for her.

and then she said, "wahoo!  it's going to be 'just you and me kid' day!"  and she bopped off of the bed to go tell her sisters.

it made me giggle.  the intersection of wanting alone time with me and yet choosing to share it with the two she is desperate to be away from immediately.  the need and the love for her sisters and yet the need for me...  without them.

and so saturday arrived two sleeps later (those are preschool time measures, if you didn't know) and we went off on our day together.

the first thing she asked when she surfaced in the morning was if it was time to get yogurt yet.  i told her that we had a few things planned for before the yogurt party.  she was skeptical but eventually succumbed to her momma's plan.

we started out at corner bakery with a little lunch.  together we colored and talked about letters (her choice, not mine).  mid-way through our lunch, she exclaimed, "i can't even believe my sisters are not here!  this day is the best!"

but it is funny how things go.  even though those are the words that came out of her mouth, her actions told a very different story.  she seemed shy and quiet and not quite as "poppy" as she usually is.

but she warmed up as they day went on.  we made a trip to the shoe store and had me all to herself while she selected a new pair of shoes for going back to school.  my pops really likes predictability in her fashion selections.  she finds something comfortable and sticks with it.  like her uggs.  that she wears in july.  or the black velvet cropped jacket...  or the...  you get it!  anyways, in true poppy fashion (pun intended) she selected the exact pair of shoes that she had just outgrown.  she tried them on in the new size, nodded, and wore them out of the store...  happy as a popstar could be.

and then (finally) we made our way to the frozen yogurt shop.  she selected her yogurt and her toppings and made her way to the counter beaming.  it was delicious (the time with the girl AND the yogurt).

as we were leaving the yogurt shop, i asked her if she wanted to get a treat at the berry patch (a quasi toy store).  her eyes lit up and she declared, "this is the best day EVER!"  and so in we went where she carefully selected a plush mermaid doll.  it was fun to watch her pick and to observe the process she went through without having to rush.  we don't get that too often and both of us enjoyed the experience together.  i learned some things about her that i wouldn't have known before.  she is a decisive one when she finds what she wants.  she doesn't get sidetracked by the choices, but is willing to do some looking until she lands on the "right" thing.  once she finds it, she is quick to make a decision.  i didn't know that about her before "you and me kid day".  now i do.  i like that about her and i like that i had the chance to learn it.  you think you "know" your kids.  and then you learn something new and it is pleasant and surprising and pleasant all over again.  

i am thankful for the chance to "know" her in this new way.

and then we headed home.  in the car as we approached our street she seemed sad.  i looked in the rear view mirror and asked her what was wrong.

"you and me kid day is all over and all the fun has ended."

"did you have a good time today?"

"i did but now i am sad."

and then she saw a garage sale at our neighbor's house and she begged me to go.  i was an easy "yes".  she marched up, found a bin of toys and selected a fashion designer kit from the collection.  done.  she looked, she found what she wanted and she executed the decision.

and for $1 she grabbed her kit, her doll and her change and marched in the direction of home.  the smile, now a great big grin.  

it was a good day- one i won't soon forget.  and it was also a good reminder.  "you and me kid" day, should happen more often.  it's good for both of us!

besties

i took a bunch of pictures of pops the other day.  i swear i did.  and in my head i have written an entire post about her.

google did not agree with my post.

technology failed me and refused to import my pictures that support the "in my head written" post.  it made me crazy.  i spent several hours trying to figure it out.  there was another way- but it wasn't the fastest easiest way and it drove me insane that i couldn't figure out technology and master the best avenue for sharing the photos!  (that sentence is all sorts of grammatically incorrect, but i don't care.  it demonstrates my frustration.)

moving on.

when technology DID import photos from phone, this is the one that kept resurfacing: 

literally.  it duplicated itself about 4000 times.  grr.

except.  i can't really feel grr about it.

these are my besties.

they are my "go to" gals.

and nobody can feel "grrr" about their besties.  i mean...  of course there are moments...  but those moments are shadowed by ALL THE OTHER MOMENTS.  these are the girls that "show up" for me.  they watch my girls (or ask their sitters to), they listen to my moaning about this or that, they run with me, they play with me, they engage in projects with me, they shop with me, they loan me stuff, they tolerate my weaknesses and they love me "in spite of" (or at least they pretend to and i am none the wiser).  these are my front line.

they are my girlies (aside from the other three you are tired of hearing about...  e,d, and p).

and of  course, there is always a story.

the story:

i was a-ok with leaving chicago.  but for one component...  my besties.  i could leave a city.  i could leave a house.  i could leave a career.  i could leave just about anything for the sake of following Jesus and seeking adventure...

but my besties?

woah.  that was a hard one.

this picture represents them.  it is missing many (kara, leslie, lindsay, holly, steph, meg, lakita...  and the list goes on), but it does depict the core group of girls that made my life in chicago(proper) rich.

the snap was taken at my going away party- hosted by veronica.  veronica, knowing me well, hosted the best of the best going away par-tays EVER!  i swear....  it was filled with amaze-ball peeps, champagne, lemon meringue treats, creamy cheeses and was NOT a surprise.  she hit all the nails right on the head!

i have fond memories of that night!  it was difficult, for sure!  but it was filled with joy, laughter, fun and kind words from the most amazing people that i miss and think about to this day.

one thing sticks out in my mind from that night, greater than the rest of amazing things....  and it is this:

it wasn't a surprise (i hate surprises!  i really do!  i like to anticipate and plan and look forward to...).  i love that she knew that.  i cherish the fact that i had time to plan and prepare my mind for the evening.

because i planned, i went to hobby lobby and bought my girlies a crystal heart that holds a gem in the center and i tied it with silk sting.  i gave one to each girl pictured above.

and when i gave it to them i told them that i would hang it in my home and think of them and pray for them when i looked at it.

and when i passed them out to the girlies, my besties, brooke suggested a reciprocal agreement.

she suggested that we all do the same...  and that when they looked at their crystal hearts, wherever they were placed, that they might pray for me.

she suggested that they might pray for God to have favor on my new besties...  that He might bring women into my life that would fill me with an abundance of love and closeness.  that they would "know" me and be by my side.

if only brooke could have known!

(a snap from my desk...  can you find my crystal heart?)

and as one can expect, God, the maker of heaven and earth, follows through when we ask for things in His name!

He is good.  He is righteous.  He cares for us.  and He meets (and exceeds) our expectations.

my california besties rock.

i could tell you a story about each of them...  i could.  but it would never do justice to the place that each of them holds in my heart.

the best part of each of them, for me, is that i know they are a part of my life because of an answer to prayer.  they don't necessarily pray.  but a few girls from a few years back do and did...  and God heard those prayers.  and He responded.  and they are NOT in my life because of coincidence.  it is intentional and it is because i worship a God who said clearly to me...

"for i know the plans i have for you, tasha.  i have plans to prosper you and plans to give you the future that you hope for."  (jeremiah 29:11)

and that picture doesn't do full justice to the plans God had for me...  it's missing some girlies...  but it represents a God who is in the details and a God who answers prayers.  i don't know why this continues to leave me in awe...  but it always does.

the God who created the UNIVERSE cares about an itty bitty me.  He really, really does!!!

the not bummer summer

a few summers ago, my girls favorite movie was judy moody and the NOT bummer summer.  ever since then, we have followed suit with judy and sort of mapped out some things that would be really exciting and adventurous to do over the summer.  and like her, we attach "thrill points" to each activity, in an attempt to accomplish enough points to reach the conclusion that we have had the most epic summer of all time.

i think it is fair to say, this summer genuinely achieves the status of "NOT bummer summer".  i would even go as far as saying that it was truly epic.

that's an incredibly bold and sizable statement, so in keeping up with my trend, the suburban momma will substantiate that statement.  you get to be the judge.

if you follow suburban momma, you know that e went surfing for the first time last summer in coronado.  you also know that she LOVED it. 

 in fact, she enjoyed her first wave catching experience so much that she has talked about little else for the better part of the past year.  we aren't much of a vacation repeat family, but because of our thrilling summer last year, we decided that a repeat trip to coronado was in order.

another well known fact of those that read this blog (or follow me on Facebook) is that my hubs showed my girls the movie soul surfer a few months back following a read of this book...

shortly after watching the movie, my girls began "surfing" on boogie boards in the yard.  the front yard.  often.  very often.  with their left arm tucked into their shirts as if it had been bitten off by a shark.

it was a little bit embarrassing and a whole lot of adorable.  i was hired to be the announcer of the big competition.  and then i was fired because apparently i didn't get their names correct and wasn't using the proper surfing terms.  

and then there is the morning they woke me up out of a sound slumber to beg me to allow them to do this:

they even told every single solid detail about the life of bethany hamilton to a face painter at the hubbies family work event in an effort to explain what they desired to be created on their cheek.  this further resulted in a lot of people raising their eyebrows and looking at me funny.  followed by the question... "i thought she was delaney/ellie".  

this surfing and bethany thing became a wee bit of an obsession, one might say.

you may also recall that e began emailing this past spring for the first time.  the first email she sent was to bethany hamilton (the surfer from the movie who survived the shark attack).  the first email she received was from the bethany hamilton fan club.

in addition (as if all of that isn't enough), a few weeks back i was feeling annoyed at something that was challenging for me to do.  i don't remember the full details, but i was struggling with something physical and e was sitting by watching me.  after a few minutes (and her sensing that momma was having a difficult time), e looked at me and said, "mom, bethany always says something that might help you.  do you want to hear it?"

of course!

"bethany says, 'i don't need easy.  i just need possible'".

it was in that moment that i saw this obsession with new eyes.  here is my girl, all 8 years of her, falling in love with something (and someone) for the first time.  she's never been a fan of much for too long.  but here she is...  choosing someone so inspirational.  i hugged her and thanked her for sharing that quote with me (and secretly wiped the tear out of my eye as i realized that i have much to learn from my ever so wise eight year old).

if you add up all of this, well, we just knew we had to indulge and nurture this obsession.  it is a good one- physical and spiritual in nature, as well as one forming a familial bond.  i'm all in.

somewhere along the way with this bethany obsession we discovered that her board (from the shark attack) and some other cool things were located about an hour north of our coronado vacation destination.  in an effort to nurture their craze, we decided to surprise them with a road trip stop on our way to vacation.

and so we did.

and when we got out of the car scott shot me a look and silently directed me to read a poster on the window.

the poster indicated that bethany was going to be competing in a surf competition that very weekend at that very beach.  oh, really?  you don't say!

we went into the museum and did the museum thing.  the girls were less enthusiastic by the historical display of surfboards  from over the ages and overly enthusiastic with bethany's board.  e just kept examining it with disbelief.  next to the board was a television screen that appeared to not be working.  e asked me to get the museum curator to see what was supposed to be on the screen.  he came over and started to crank things up.  apparently he had been the surf expert in hollywood for the making of the movie.  he began chatting with me while he started the video.  apparently, hollywood had to dilute some of the facts for the movie because bethany's story is even too unbelievable for hollywood.  e became engrossed in the movie and i continued to chat with the expert.  we chatted about the competition and he told me not to waste my time- you can't see much from the beach and the crowds are typically huge.  and then he told me about hansen's.

bethany was going to be doing a signing at the surf shop to promote her new cobian sandals.  1 hour.  huge crowds.  but a chance to meet bethany.  "chance" being the word that i wasn't sure of.

scott and i kept this little tidbit a secret and discussed it that night after the girls went to bed.  did we really want to spend a day of vacation back in the car for a chance that the girls might meet bethany?  what if it didn't work out?  would it ruin the vacay?  i imagined the crying that would ensue...  and it almost stopped me right then and there.

but then we started to recall some of the facts from the video clip that we saw in the surf museum...

according to bethany, she and her mom had started praying for God's will in her life to be revealed just a short time before the shark attack.  and after the attack, she didn't walk away thinking God had failed her.  she KNEW it was the exact opposite.  she knew that this was the answer to that prayer.  she declares that her shark attack has allowed her an opportunity to share God with more people than she ever could have had the attack not happened.  and she's right.  God doesn't fail us and He boldly answered her prayer and gave her opportunity to share His light with the world.

and how could i not foster that love affair for my e?  how could i not help her embrace praying for God's will?  how could i not show her that obstacles can be overcome with God?  how could i not help her develop a belief that challenges are really just opportunities in disguise?

and so we hopped back into the car a few days post museum tour to visit hansens surf shop in hopes of seeing bethany.  when we arrived the line was already wrapped half way around the building.

we hunkered down in line and waited with the mass of people.  scott took the girls to the beach for a bit and then on one on one dates to a nearby ice cream shop.  and we waited.  and waited.  and chatted with our line neighbors...  and then...  after several hours bethany arrived.  the line began move (ever so slowly) and an excitement began to build in the girls.  and eventually our turn came and the girls were face to face with bethany.

it doesn't get much more thrilling or epic than that!  they were in awe.  d was obsessed with her outfit and her smile and her sparkling eyes (seriously- she has the kindest eyes...  even after an hour of poster signing!)  and e was just obsessed.  with everything.

and then we went back to our regularly scheduled vacation of being beach bums.  d caught her first wave with the help of her daddy.

and e attended surf camp and rode the waves for the better part of a week.  she was non-stop.  over and over hopping up on her board and perfecting the balancing act.  

p stayed a little bit closer to shore and hung with momma on the beach.  we collected shells and cheered on our crazy surfing family together.

and the older two continued to tuck in their left arm from the sleeves of their clothing.  e wore a dress three times (!) and p wore her velvet winter jacket...  because it is her favorite.  and because she is p.

and then we distributed thrill points.  this momma came to the conclusion that a week on the beach, catching first waves and their 100th wave, and spending time as a family, and ice cream dates with daddy, and meeting bethany = infinity thrill points.  

it was truly a NOT bummer summer.

the fire

on tuesday of this week i began to encounter a lot of reminders of my nephew, josh, and the path that i watched my sister and her family walk and the path i walked myself.  watching a momma bury her babe is painful...  when it is a stranger, when it is a friend, when it is your sister...  truly painful.  it was a sad day and yet there was this lightness within my spirit knowing that God is amazing and out of wreckage He brings forth beauty.  He always, always does.  sometimes you have to wait for it.  but the beauty always comes.

in my remembering, i pulled out the reading that my sister selected for me to read at josh's funeral. it was a passage that had been shared with her as she walked the journey knowing she would be giving up her son prematurely. the reading was filled with truth and brought her comfort as she faced her trials. as i processed the loss this momma was facing on tuesday, this reading continued to bring me comfort.  

i could write for days on the lessons that my sister and her family taught me during this difficult period, i could describe the faith that they possess, the posture of surrender that they willingly took, the peace that guarded their hearts... i'm not sure you'd believe me if i told you because it was unimaginable. watching my sister and her family walking deep in the trenches of pain and being carried by the truth of the cross was a profound experience for me.  i could go on to tell you how they walked this same path when facing cancer square in the eye.  the path was filled with immense pain, but it was also filled with beauty.  

what a strange juxtaposition.

pain.

beauty.

God is good. satan and the fall of man...  not so much.

on wednesday, i encountered some issues within my home that needed to be dealt with.  i was tired and worn down, not really wanting things of this nature to rear up and get in the way.

thursday was met with a different set of obstacles- ones from outside of the home.  the process of addressing them was good.  healthy.  better than expected.  but difficult none-the-less.

and then i marched into today.  

t.g.i.f.?

not so much.

my dear friend (if but for a short time) lost his fight with cancer this morning.  

stupid, stupid cancer.

eric leaves behind an amazing wife (i'll write more about her soon) and two beyond amazing children.  

it has been a less than awesome week.  and i feel like i am in the middle of a fire.  i keep thinking about cora's momma (michelle) and little brother and little sister and daddy (whose funeral i attended on tuesday) and picture my friend linda and her two sweet children missing their daddy (that they lost this morning).

i keep picturing eric holding cora in heaven.  in my mind he is kissing her forehead and rocking her gently in his arms.  

there is nothing- absolutely nothing- in scriptures that validates the image that i just depicted.  but for some reason, i keep closing my eyes and imagining it to be true.  while i have no idea if it is true of not, i do know that heaven is beautiful and that both eric and cora are experiencing the fullness of that right now.

and all of this has made me think of the reading from josh's funeral 11 years ago.  it goes like this:


some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures and make them the subject of conversation. while reading the third chapter of malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

one lady's opinion of this verse was that it was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. she decided to visit a silversmith and report to her group what he said on the subject.

she went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her.

but sir, do you sit while the work of the refining is going on?

oh yes, madam, i must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for the refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.

the lady at once saw the beauty and the comfort too, of the expression.

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

Christ sees a need to put His children into the furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us.

our trials do not come at random, for it says in mathew 10:30 that "the very hairs of your head are all numbered".

as the lady from the bible study was leaving the silversmith's shop, the silversmith called her back. he said he had forgotten to mention that the only way he knows when the process of purifying is complete is when he sees his own image reflected in the silver. becoming conformed to the image of Christ is a process. each of us is a work in progress. perhaps you can see that you are more patient, more caring, more peaceful in the midst of adversity. when troubles come, you trust more than you once did and you cling to promises such as:

"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. for those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son." (romans 8:28-29)

the "good" is becoming like Jesus. this takes a lifetime. and even then, the process will not be complete until we see Him face to face.
joshua is now in complete perfection, in heaven, face to face with the refiner.

and so is cora.

and so is eric.

and walking through this week...  it is very much like the journey of the silversmith.  i feel it.  but bigger than me (and way more important) are linda and michelle- two women.  two mommas.  two children of the one true God- walking through life and presented with "silver experiences".  God does not seek to crush them.  He seeks to grow them and to know them and to make them more like Him.

and it hurts.  but we are not alone in our pain.  

this is all raw.  maybe unrefined.  but it is where i am tonight...  thinking of a wife and a momma...  that need to be encouraged and loved and carried and celebrated and...  refined.

for you, o God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried.  you brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out into a place of abundance.  Psalm 66:10-12

enter in

i have had the pleasure, the pure pleasure, of getting to know a fine, fine baby girl over the past few months.  this post is for her.

way back in the day, scott and i attended a church in chicago that was like no other.  i didn't realize it at the time, but it set the standard for my expectations of community and how i believe that God calls us to live with each other.

i don't recall all of the details, but our church was very "community project" driven and i had just secured a job in the inner city working with very underprivileged children.  the school i was to work for was brand new and lacked some of the essential supplies that a classroom needs to function well.  somehow someone learned of this and encouraged me to jump start a book campaign for my classroom.  and so one sunday, i took to the stage during announcements and presented the need to our very young (think poor starving college kids) congregation.  the request was for books- go to the local book shop and buy one or two favorite picture book titles to begin a library for this school.

the next week i went to the designated book drop spot to pick up the ones that had been delivered.  there was a pretty good stack of books.  i was surprised at how quickly my church had rallied to the cause, and while the stack wouldn't even come close to putting a dent in the need that our students had for quality literature, it meant the world to me to have friends and strangers press in and be the vehicle that started the movement.

a few weeks passed and i received an email.  the email was from a girl in our church that i did not know saying that she had some books in her trunk to give me and requested that we meet on sunday in front of our church so that she could make the transfer.  she expressed "that it wasn't much" but that she had wanted to help.

i remember walking down addison street in chicago with her to her car on sunday morning.  she opened the rear of her red suv and revealed bags and bags and bags of books.  back when i made the request, i had given a list of titles in the event that someone needed a suggestion.  rachel, (the girl whose trunk i was standing in front of), had purchased every single title on the list.  apparently she worked in a chicago public school and sent an email to her friends/colleagues with my request (this was long before the days of facebook/blogs/twitter and texting).  and then the books pored in.  bags and bags and bags of books.  she shared this story with me (inserting apologies for how she wished she could have done more) as my jaw dropped to the street in disbelief.  i was amazed.  oh- and as a last little throw in, she handed me an envelope with some gift cards in it.  i guess some of the people that wanted to help lived far away and so they sent a check.  no biggie, right?  when i later looked in the envelope, i discovered several hundred dollars worth of book money gift cards.  

somehow, i went from having a classroom with no books to having a classroom with enough books for all of my students to take home a different book home each night for their independent reading assignment.  

what?  it blew my mind.  it was the first time in my adult life that i had witnessed the full effects of "entering in".  i was on the receiving end of this and to say that i experienced the kingdom of heaven here on earth or the love of Christ is an understatement.  

i was overwhelmed by the love of Christ- who takes a need we have and runs full force with that need- through the hands and feet of flesh and blood- allowing us to experience the beauty of the kingdom of heaven while we are still right here on this very broken earth.

and my mind was blown.

and a mental transformation started.  i began to think about this concept of entering in- to the needs and causes that matter to those around me.  and i realized that to do so- to enter in- is a choice.  rachel did that with me (a complete stranger at the time).  she saw a need and decided to meet it.  except she went one step further.  she opened the door wider and cast the net beyond my reach.  and through one person, reaching out to another person, responding to the need of some inner city kiddos, they learned to read.  the students in my school, on average, achieved a 2+ year academic gain in their reading skills that year. um...  Amen?  yes.  Amen!

this was the beginning of a movement in my heart and a transformation of how i believe that the kingdom of Heaven works while we are still here on earth.  but it starts with a choice.

over the years, the choice to "enter in" has presented itself to me again and again.  there are times i choose "yes" and times i have chosen "no".  i can say with certainty, that i regret the times i have chosen "no" and am always changed by the times in which i have chosen "yes".  life happens and develops and grows and molds and transforms us in the "yes".  

a few months ago a friend of mine forwarded an email link about a baby girl born with a heart defect.  the momma was the sister of my friend's friend.  i read the link and was overwhelmed with the heart of this mother.  

yesterday, as the momma delivered the eulogy for her beautiful lion heart, tears freely flowed down my cheeks.  

...Thank God we didn't know at any point what lay ahead on our road.  I feel like we lived in each day.  and we took it as it came.  That was the only way to live, and by doing that, we stayed sane and mostly happy.

But I can remember being so scared a lot of the time.  All I could see in those early months was fear and difficulty.  I looked around at my friends who had children at the same time as I had, and they were healthy and "normal" and I felt that life had handed out the cards, and that our sweet Cora had drawn the short stack.  That we got gypped.  I desperately loved Cora and wanted the best for her, but I was afraid and terribly lonely.  I shared things with my close friends and family, but I withdrew from people outside that circle, and I was angry and annoyed by almost everything people said to try to comfort me.

We went in and out of the hospital a few times during the month of December until we finally landed inpatient for what became a five month stay.  The road became rockier, the things we saw became more intense, the news became worse.

But then something miraculous happened.  I had the intuitive thought one day that I should write a blog about Cora.  I know this wasn't my own thought.  My natural state is to protect myself and my family.  To guard against harm.  To be very private.  And yet, here I was putting it all out there for anyone in the world who wanted to read it....

...After I started writing the blog, I guess the fear that I had felt all her life until then, just fell away.  We walked a terrible and scary road, but with each day, what we mostly saw was beauty.  Cora made things beautiful....

and as i sat there and listened from the balcony of a crowded church in san anselmo, tears freely flowing, i knew that this momma and her beautiful family had experienced the kingdom of heaven right here on this earth.  they chose to open the doors wide and God met them graciously in the hard (the very, very hard) by surrounding them with love and beauty and kindness through flesh and blood- real live people living out the kingdom of heaven because they chose to enter in.

and so it brings me to this.  a challenge.  in honor of sweet cora, in honor of her momma taking a chance and walking out of private and into a state of openness....  

would you?

could you?

choose someone today to "enter in" with?  could you look around yourself and open your eyes to a heart that is hurting or someone with a need and take a step towards walking with them as they journey?  you don't have to have all of the answers (or any of the answers, for that matter).  you don't need to have a big wallet.  you don't need to have oodles of extra time.  and i promise, the hunt for a place to "enter in" won't be hard.  my guess is that each one of us has someone that comes to mind right away.

i thought about this yesterday a little bit.  i didn't have to be there.  my heart didn't have to break.  i didn't have to "enter in".  but while my cheeks would have been dry and my heart would have been less heavy, i wouldn't have met sweet cora.  and i promise you, my life is better for knowing her.  

i am not one who is very private.  but as of late, i tend to want to cling to closed doors a little more.  it often feels easier.  but i think that is a lie we tell ourselves and a shield we place around our hearts. watching this momma, even from a distance, confirms something in me that i know to be true.  light and life and God appear in the homes and hearts that are flung wide open.  and then there is the other side of the coin.  while this is hard to say and probably even more difficult to hear, there is this: i think satan wants to creep right into the homes and hearts that are a little bit more closed...  and fill those hearts and homes with self-doubt, and loneliness, bitterness, anger, resentment and a lack of worth.  

and so after you take the challenge to "enter in" in a life around you where you see a need...

could you?

would you?

consider living you life with your door a little bit more open?  could you pull back the drapes of your heart and possibly open up a place where you yourself invite others in?  

it's risky.  yes.  but as i said, i think growth and love and the kingdom of heaven develop there.  in my opinion, that is worth the risk.

hello, my name is defeated

dear diary,
today felt like a really sad day.  i don't know that i can put words to all of it, but i felt defeated.  deflated.  overcome.  world=1, me=0.  tomorrow has to be better, right?

despondent,
the suburban momma

i sort of knew this was coming.  it is the law of sir isaac newton or something, right?  what goes up, must come down?  i've been on a summer high for a few weeks or so and today became the perfect storm for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction.  i won't go into all of it, but let's just say that issue one collided with issue two, which collided with issue three...  and by, well, three in the afternoon. i found myself fighting off a grand old pity party for little old me.

for all of our summer highs (and believe you me, we've had a great number of them already), today was matched by an abundance of summer lows.  after all of  the highs, this momma is incredibly tired...  and just like my three year old: tired + a piling up of difficult situations = a big 'ol melt down.  except i am a grown up and melt downs are somewhat frowned upon...  and so i willed myself to keep it together until i could escape out the door to a work event for the hubs.

getting out of the door almost produced an anxiety attack...  literally.  but with a great deal of "you can do this." and "come on, girlie, buck up and pull throughs"...  i made through the afternoon and into my car.

i told you recently that i had been on a pre-summer binge to clean up the world buser house.  in my frenzy i came across a cd case from my friend jon, in chicago.  he gave it to me a few months prior to our move and it is filled with cd's of sermons that he thought i would enjoy and/or needed to hear.  i've listened to some since he gave them to me, but hadn't gotten around to finishing them off. 

as i hopped into the driver's seat for the hour long drive to the hub's work function, i remembered i had not grabbed the cd case...  and something told me that i needed it.  i ran inside and grabbed it off of the shelf where i had stashed it.

as i drove out of town, i couldn't get the cd that i wanted to hear to play.  it kept skipping.  i ejected it from the payer and plugged in an old favorite compilation of songs...  feeling defeated once again.

about one exit down the highway i had this nagging feeling to try again.  cd in.  skipping.  skipping.  eject.  try again.  grrrr.  try not to curse.  eject.  listen to the radio...

and then the nagging feeling kicked in again...  "put in a cd from the case, tasha.  try another one."

grr..

i switched out the cd and tried another one.  and it began to play immediately. 

the general theme of the sermon was the story of creation and it segwayed into the story of abraham.  the line that was drawn between the two was this line we walk as jesus lovers every day- "do you trust me?" 

from creation and the declaration of "it is good"- do you believe that?  do you trust that God is good?  do you believe He has good in store for you?  do you hope for heaven because you know it will be good?  better than good?

and it drew the line to abraham... leaving his life that was pretty "good" to go wander in the desert in attempt to trust God to be met by all sorts of trials and grumbling and irritations...  to a son being born- beyond all hope or belief- to being asked to sacrifice that very son.  and it ended with this question of, "abraham, do you trust me?"

ouch.

it sort of put my grumpy day into perspective.  it diminished my need to compare.  my "ick", while real and true and honestly felt, does not quite compare to this. 

and guilt began to creep in and an internal argument ensued:

be grateful for what you have, tasha!

but i don't have what i want.  what i want isn't too much to ask for!  and it hurts.  it really hurts.

but you have a lot, girl.  get over it.

i can't get over it.

it isn't fair and it isn't right.

life isn't fair.

it feels like "less than" and if it was just about me then "less than" would be fine...  but it's about my girls.  i want "more than" for them.

but...

but...

and as i struggled and hashed out this crappy (but very real and incredibly honest) interaction within myself, i started to ask myself some pretty serious questions... 

do you trust that God is good?

yes.  very much so.  with every ounce of me.

do you believe he has plans filled with promise for you (and your girlies)?

oh, yes.  yes.  without doubt.  he's shown it to me.  i've tasted it.  it is true and beautiful and real...  very, very real.

so what are all the excuses about?  why has today been the perfect storm for sadness and sorrow and regret and hopelessness?

and at that point in my mental showdown, i had reached my destination.  i stopped the mental dialogue, parked the car and went into the restaurant to meet scott.  we engaged in the activities of the night, made small talk, ate some yummy food, caught up with friends and settled into a nice evening.  and i put the day behind me.



in the car on the way home i listened to the radio and heard a song that was new to me. 

i almost couldn't believe the lyrics.

when i arrived home i listened to it about twenty times because i couldn't quite believe how much it spoke to me.



hello, my name is regret.
i'm pretty sure we have met.
every single day of your life i'm the whisper inside that won't let you forget.

hello, my name is defeat.
i know you recognize me.
just when you think you can win i drag you right back down again until you've lost all belief.

oh, these are the voices.  these are the lies.
and i have believed them for the very last time.

hello, my name is child of the one true king.
i've been saved.  i've been changed.  i have been set free.
amazing grace is the song i sing.
hello, my name is child of the one true king.

i am no longer defined by all the wreckage behind.
the one who makes all things new has proven it's true so take a look at my life.

hello,my name is child of the one true king.
i've been saved.  i've been changed.  i have been set free.
amazing grace is the song i sing.
hello, my name is child of the one true king.

what love the father has lavished upon us that we should be called His children?
i am the child of the one true King.

as i listened to the song (on repeat), i exhaled.  i know that i am a slow learner.  i know this truth.  really, i do.  but sometimes it is a delayed eclipse of my heart.  often i need reminders.  far too frequently, i need it highlighted and illuminated and put in big bold glitter letters for me to know (to REALLY KNOW)  that who i am is enough...  i am free.  i have grace and i am not defined by the storm that is sometimes in my tailwind.  i get to own me.  i do.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  but i don't have to own all the other crap.  and the bad and the ugly...  well, that is exactly where grace steps in. 

i can accept it.

or not.

it's my choice.

but either way i choose, God's choice doesn't waiver.  He CHOSE me.  and when He was nailed to that cross, in one hand he held all of my junk right there in His palm.

if i choose to ignore that He did that for me... well, that just feels really sad.  like he bought me the best present ever and i took it and ran with it but never said "thank you" and never acknowledged that it was He who gave it to me.  it's like a gift that sits in the corner, wrapped in the most decadent wrapping, but never opened.  i can only imagine if i were the giver of that lavish gift- i can imagine that my excitement would slowly turn to anxiety, which would melt into frustration as the gift just sat there...  unnoticed.  unrecognized.  unappreciated.

thankfully, God's approach is different from mine.  thankfully, he is patient and He just waits.  He nudges gently... "go ahead, girlie.  remember that box of grace that you opened up years ago when you entered into a relationship with me?  open it up.  put it on.  feel the freedom of the love and the grace and hope."

and as the gift is unwrapped,  i can say, "thank you, thank you, thank you!  you are enough.  i trust you.  how could i not?  you gave me the greatest gift- the freedom from all this crap...  and i can carry it on my own and never be enough.  or accept the gift.  which you already gave me...  and have hope for the life and the "me" you want me to be."

defeated?

sometimes. 

reminded that God is bigger and better and stronger and ever more gracious than i could imagine?

yes.

yes, please.

beautiful!

 a few weeks ago, after dinner in the backyard, scott lit a fire in the chiminea and let the girls make s'mores.  we haven't used it much since moving to california, but it used to be part of our friday night routine in la grange.  we would go to palmer place for dinner and then have s'mores on the back porch. it was always so lovely to watch scott and e build a little fire and then indulge in this simple treat.  d would sit in her bouncy seat playing with her toes and i would watch from a patio chair, bursting with joy at the blessing of my life- the simple things that make life so rich.

i didn't realize it, until i was laying in the grass with my head in scott's lap watching the little girls partake in this tradition, that i had missed this routine ever so much.

it was one of those mental photograph moments where you capture the essence of the experience deep within your soul and file it away under the heading "love" in your heart.  the smell of fresh cut grass, the crackle of the fire, the melty goo of chocolate, poppy spinning around from the sugar high and blowing bubbles for scott and i to enjoy from her bubble wand, music playing softly in the background, the weight of scott's arm around me.  it is one of those moments where you just want to freeze time- push pause - and  rest in the simple offerings of life.

and then the moment ends someone cries, somebody needs something, (or in our case- a snail crawled onto scott's leg causing him to jump up and declare he needed to get out of the grass) and time moves forward and the moment comes to an abrupt finish.  but the feeling stays with you.

last night i went with my beautiful friend leslie to see francesca battiestelli in concert.  she was performing at the alameda county fair which is housed in our town.  i have loved her music since i first heard it a few years ago and we both jumped at the chance to see her perform.  it was nice to sit in the amphitheater chatting together and just allow ourselves to be in the moment of two mommas away from kiddos enjoying a night free of baths, teeth brushing and the tuck-in routine.  the concert began and both of us were taken by the scene.  there was this precious couple at very back of the arena standing in the aisle dancing to the music.  we both happened to glance towards the back as he spun her around.  it was beautiful.

there were three teenage girls standing up and dancing together to the music.  they giggled and whispered and sang along, capturing the moments on the iPhones (as i suspect is traditional for teenage girls to do).

as the concert continued i kept looking around in awe.  i don't know why, but both leslie and i were amazed by the crowd and we kept wondering about the story behind the people that were there.  i wanted to get to know the dancing couple at the back and learn about their story.  were they dating?  newly weds?  did francesca have something to do with their story and how they met?  i was intrigued.

a few songs into franny's set, i happened to glance down the row and notice a girl dressed head to toe in bright pink.  she looked to be in her 20's and she looked to have some sort of physical limitation and possibly a mental limitation- downs perhaps.  she appeared to be alone and was clutching a pink stuffed bear- won on the mid-way at the fair perhaps?  she was singing along and gently swaying to the tune.  she knew every word.

moments later francesca invited everyone to stand and she invited the crowd to sing along to a worship song...  it goes like this:

your love never fails 
it never gives up
it never runs out on me

your love never fails 
it never gives up
it never runs out on me

higher than the mountains that i face
stronger than the power of the grave
constant through the trial and the change
this one thing remains

your love never fails
it never gives up
it never runs out on me

your love never fails 
it never gives up
it never runs out on me



i looked down the row at the girl.  i glanced at the dancing couple.  i smiled at my friend.  the girl was standing and her arms that were once curled into her body were now stretched straight at her sides and she was bouncing to the beat of the drums.  the dancing couple were arm and arm swaying together worshiping God in pure delight and experiencing love.

it was beautiful and i felt that mental photograph begin to set up the frame in the viewfinder of my mind to capture the moment, but before i could hit "click" francesca transitioned into another one of her songs.  this one titled beautiful, beautiful.

now there's a joy inside i can't contain
but even perfect days end in rain
and though it's pouring down
i see you through the clouds
shining on my face

like sunlight burning at midnight
making my life something so
beautiful, beautiful
mercy reaching to save me
all that i need
you are so
beautiful, beautiful...

the girl down the row had her chin lifted towards the heavens and her arms outstretched belting out the tune.  and she was so beautiful.

a few songs later francesca and her husband took stools on center stage.  he picked up a guitar and she sang along as he strummed out a song they had worked on together.



and i melted as i took it all in.   i snapped my mental picture and filed it under the heading of "love".  God's love is beautiful- the love found in friendship, in a boy twirling a girl at the back of an amphitheater, a girl recognizing that in spite of her challenges she is truly beautiful, in a husband and wife singing a ballad together on stage...

and once again, my heart nearly burst.

ribbit

many moons ago i told you about this.  (yes, you should click on the word "this" and come back when you are done...  i'll be right here when you return.)

a common theme for this momma (as of late) has been a theme of growing up and moving on.  it makes me sad.  i am entering a new era of motherhood.  i'm standing in the gap between toddlers and adolescents.  some days they act more like teenagers and other days they act like very overgrown babies (you should have seen the melt down at the pool the other day...  mortifying).

anyways.

it is officially summer and this momma is in heaven.  i love summer.  i treasure days of no schedules.  i delight in the ability to be impulsive and jump in the car and do something unexpected.  i savor lazy days at the pool (minus the recent epic melt down).  i crave impromptu play dates.

while this does get old after a bit (i also love a well planned schedule), the first few weeks always feel like a "get out of jail" free card from the structure of the school year.  and as of this moment, i am still in the honeymoon phase of that.

i am getting away from my story, though.  usually, the first few days of summer evoke a nesting instinct in me.  i often find myself wanting to clean out the closets and sort through the school papers (it is part of the anomaly of me that craves impromptu while really also loving structure).  it is confusing from the outside, but in my mind it makes perfect sense.  it is preparing for the ability to be impulsive.  if life is in order than you can jump out of that order more easily to do something on the fly.

again...  getting off topic.  i have a story to tell.

the "beginning of summer nesting" has settled in around here and i have been in a frenzy to get the girl's rooms in order.  i was cleaning out bins last week and stumbled upon the item that triggered the telling of this story.

and now the story.

when e was about the ripe old age of one, scott went to some sort of work conference.  he came home with this squishy rubbery frog that was half white and half purple.  it was about the size of the palm of your hand.  inside of the belly of the frog was a glow light.  if you squished it, the light would activate and the frog would glow.  ellie was fascinated with it.  she carried it around with her for weeks and weeks and weeks.  over time, it became an attachment object that brought her comfort (sort of like sophie the giraffe...  a few years before he burst on the baby gear scene).  the frog was with her always.  she even took it to bed with her.

one day she brought it to our playgroup.  my friend sara found it to be disgusting (and might possibly have thought that i was the oddest mom ever, giving my daughter such a strange thing to play with and allowing her to toddle around with it as an attachment device).  ellie accidentally left the frog at their house.  sara called me immediately- she was laughing her head off that this nasty frog had been left in her possession.  there was one small problem though.  they were on the way to the airport headed out of town for a week long vacation.  she lived in a gated complex, so there was no way for her to leave it on the porch for pick-up.  she felt bad knowing that we would have to go for the next week or so without it.  as a mom of a one year old, she knew this was going to be tragic for e.  secretly, i think she was pleased at peach that the universe had intervened in my bad parenting in such a perfect way.

and so there we were, frogless.  e eventually went in search of her glow frog and momma had to tell her the sad news.

as usually, she turned to her other frog friend for comfort.  the original froggy was the real tear wiper at our house.  e adjusted and went on with her little toddler self, but not without frequent asks for the frog.

a few days later she and i visited the local boarders in uptown.  we read oodles and oodles of books, perused the sale section, played in the kids section and hung for a bit.  she had been so good that i offered her a treat at the checkout.  she went up to the wooden rack by the register and carefully examined the chocolates and mini-treasures that she was to choose from.  she came back with the small box of jelly belly beans and a bag filled with....

wait for it...

miniature rubber frogs!

they lacked the uber cool glow element in the belly and were way smaller, but e didn't care.  she was ecstatic!  i was so happy with the find that i agreed to let her get both items instead of making her choose between the two.

and so off we went with our box of beans and bag of frogs.  we held hands and walked to the car with smiles on our faces.  all was right in the world (of one toddler) once again.  hooray.

i could end the story here.  but i won't.  i'll tell you the rest.  it is too funny not to share.

after buckling her into her seat i opened her box of beans for her and the bag of frogs.  in one hand she had beans and in the other a myriad of colorful rubber frogs.  on her face was the grin of all grins.  on the short ride home she munched beans.  i kept noticing these funny looks on her face in the rear view mirror.  it was odd.  she didn't say anything, but after each bean an odd expression would show up on her face.  and then she would look at the frogs and a smile would reappear.

i love jelly belly beans.

they are my favorite candy.

i asked her to pass me one.

and then i understood the reason for the expression on my girlies face.  they were the grossest beans i had ever tasted!  so gross that i couldn't swallow mine.  they were nasty!

when we arrived home i checked out the box.  it was not the typical white and red box, but i had just assumed that it was some sort of new packaging.

yup.  it was.

it was the bertie botts pack- from the newly released harry potter movies- with flavors like earthworm, earwax, soap and black pepper.

yum.

i laughed at loud and asked e how she could stand to keep eating them.  she just shrugged and toddled off with her fist full of frogs.

a few weeks ago, 8 year old e begged me to take her to the fish store to replace her 999th dead fish.  i might be exaggerating here.  it is possible.  but it doesn't feel like it.  i swear, it feels like e looses a fish a week around here.  anyways, i obliged.  once in the fish store, e declared she did not want a fish this time. 

"could she, would i, pretty please....  with sugar on top...  i'll be good forever and ever....  will you get me...

frogs?"

without remembering the story of the bertie bott beans, e named her new frog friends salt and pepper.  could it possibly be a subconscious recollection of the black pepper bean?  i guess we'll never know for sure, but i'm banking on "yes".