the suburban momma will remain speechless (gasp)… chi-town pictorial review

perspective

the grizwalds busers went on vacation to chicago for the past week.  it was lovely in every way.  you may hear more about the trip later, but for now, i wanted to share my current head space.  

tonight as i was cooking dinner, a thought struck me.  and i think that, quite possibly, i may not be alone in this experience.  

the week before we left, i was feeling like i would literally burst if i had to wash one more load of laundry, pack one more lunch, or make one more dinner.  (and you all know that this momma was coming off of a dinner disaster!)

i think the brain is wired like that that.  it holds on until right before a "break" and allows us to function at the capacity that is necessary.  regardless of the frequency of our our breaks or the length of the break, the brain anticipates it when it knows it is coming.  

this is how i felt right before we left…  like i didn't have much more in me to give.

and then we went off on a little trip and the mundane elements of life were set aside.  routine went out the window and flexible and impromptu became our go to guides.  and it felt good.  i loved being able to jump into a taxi and meet a friend here or walk a few blocks and catch a sight there.  it was pure bliss.  

and as sunday rolled into monday, i suddenly felt a shift.  as our vacation was coming to a close, i felt a longing for routine.  the things that felt oppressive only a week prior felt comforting and good.

and so tonight, with a refreshed mind, i made cioppino for my family and i dare say that i did it with a smile and without an ounce of grump.  it felt good to be back in that mental space.  

i like my life.  i like what we do and how we do it (most of the time).   while the time away was amazing, being back in "my life" felt comfortable.

and there is nothing like being snuggled in my very own bed, nestled between 1-3 girlies preparing them for bed.  the day is done and while i know that tomorrow i will do it all over again, i am thankful for the day.  the one before us is over and the one ahead is new and fresh- just waiting for us to grab onto it.

i know this feeling won't last forever.  i know tired or irritated or bored might grab a hold of me long before i would like it to.  but for now, i will celebrate the moment of claiming "refreshed".  i want to celebrate this perspective that i am feeling right now.

and to all the peeps that i saw that brought joy to me over the past week- thank you, thank you, thank you!  and to those that made coming home a place i long to be- thank you, thank you, thank you.

sweet dreams.

the day momma went cray cray

the first weekend in november is reserved for an annual two nights in murphys with 5 of my besties.  i spend a great deal of time looking forward to this event and find pure joy in the fact that momma gets a break from the daily grind.

every momma needs a break like this.  the motherhood is that way.  in spite of all of its good, the monotony of it could kill a girl from time to time.  it gets the best of even the best of us.

my pops is killing me right now.  one minute i am telling her that she is the cutest muffin in the whole dog gone world and the next minute i am about to snap.

the kid can't get dressed without crying.  her sensitivity to clothing…  the design on her unders isn't right, the waist band on her skirt is too scratchy, the seam on her sock is in the wrong place, the sleeves on a shirt are too floppy  (really?  floppy?  yep.)…  i could go on for days.

and once the girl gets clothing on, it doesn't go up from there.

the shoes!

the girl can't find a pair that fits "just right" to save her life!

she's like goldilocks to the tenth degree.

and that is just one of my three little bears darling daughters.  between the lot of them, one is for sure in the midst of a melt-down, one is experiencing severe discontent and the momma drama is a moments notice from bursting out into momma catastrophe.

if you've got munchkins, that can walk and talk, you know exactly what i am talking about.  us mommas love them to pieces, but if offered a hall pass by the hubs for a few days away, we are all in.

and so this past weekend, i was in "hall pass from the kiddos" heaven!  we chatted, we giggled, we read magazines, we played cards, we whined, we dined, we wined...

we did some chair poses...

and…

while doing all of this, we swapped some stories.  i think my gal pals might have had to lift up their jaws when i told them the story of the day i dropped a ginormous curse at the family dinner table when three little muffins protested the menu that had been lovingly slaved over by yours truly.  it's not a moment that i am proud of.

it had been building for some time.  my girls would come to the dinner table night after night and lobby complaints about how they didn't care for this or that.  for quite some time the complaints department was on overload.  on no given day were all three of the buser girlies happy with their meal time offerings.  momma kept trying, but it was of no use.

finally, momma implemented a policy.  the policy went like this:

"when you come to the dinner table you will sit down and say, 'thank you for dinner, mom!'  no more.  no less.  and then you will eat said dinner without giving a commentary on your dining experience.  is everybody clear?"

they said they were.

and this worked for a wee little bit.  my darling daughters would get called to the table and they would recite the required script.

but slowly, ever so slowly, they began to interject a tone or an eye roll.  and even more slowly, they began to add a "but" to the end of the given script…

"thank you for dinner, mom, but you know i don't like…."

and i would smile and tell them that the additional commentary was not welcome.

and night after night after night after night…  momma felt like a tea kettle getting ready to blow.

and then one day,  momma blew.  a curse word landed into a heap at the center of the kitchen table for the whole buser family to digest.  and it was a big one.  the mother of all curse words.  oy.

i am not proud of this.  it brings me great embarrassment to share it with my besties while looking them in the eye.  and after i shared this truth, i felt a wash over of shame.  in spite of their encouragement, i felt a "get it together, momma!" internal pep talk coming on.

i mean really!  i'm teaching my girlies self-control and i have none myself.  what kind of a mother am i???  and that started a mental spiral in my mind.

for the love!

and then i thought about this blog and this space where i celebrate and mark moments in our lives for my girlies.  i have hopes that one day they will look back at my written memories and find laughter, hope and encouragement in their own motherhood experience.  i hope they will see how they grew and how they were raised and the journey we took as a family.

but then it dawned on me.  they need to see the whole picture.  highlighting just the "best of the busers" isn't a comprehensive view.  it is simply a skewed angle.  i hope that the "best of" reel is the one that they remember most, but i also want them to know that the motherhood has some "bloopers".  there are moments where we just don't show our best selves- but that doesn't make me or you a bad mother.  we can fall into that roll easily, but it is in recognizing the moments that we are not proud of and then transforming our failures into opportunities of learning that make us better mothers.  we have all had "those moments".  we've all given a full frontal of our worst selves.  but it is when we pick ourselves back up, apologize to the kiddos for the moment of weakness and then propel ourselves forward with a new plan  that we hit the motherhood jackpot.

i think we lie to ourselves and set up these expectations that the motherhood jackpot is when we get it all right.  but the more that i think about it, i think the motherhood jackpot often comes in the form of failure.  and what we do with those failures…

do we stuff them under the rug and hide them from our kiddos, pretending that mom of the year would never ever do that?

or do we go there?  do we address the issue head on with our children and use our less than moments to teach them what it looks like to fail, pick ourselves back up, pivot in a new direction, and propel ourselves forward?  do we use our lowest moments to teach them about grace and forgiveness and overcoming?

and as i sat there in my "post sharing this story with my besties" head space, i realized that i want to do the latter.  stuffing is a very typical go-to reaction.  but growth never comes from the internal stuffing.  self-loathing does.  shame does.  but growth?  nope.  not usually.

as for this momma, i want growth.

i would love to tell you that i won't curse at the family dinner table again.  but i can't guarantee it.  i will try hard.  i will be better today than i was yesterday.  i will celebrate my successes and i will try not to bathe in my failures.  and through it all, i won't hide.  i am, after all, raising girls who will be somebody's mother.  i want them to know that the motherhood is hard.  there is no "perfect".  we all are just doing the very best that we can.

and even then, sometimes a momma just needs a breather.

thank God for a weekend away!  this momma was in desperate need.

the least of these

almost five years ago, my momma was hit by a car while taking a post-thanksgiving dinner walk.  she was enjoying the warmth of the sun and the colors of fall.  and in an instant, her life changed just like that.  while she had already lived with paralysis from a stroke for more than 30 years, she now had new challenges to face.  

the first, was rather basic and straightforward.  she had to live.  those first few hours and days were dicey and we weren't sure what the outcome to this question would be.  would she make it?

oh, dear.  this post is about to get "real" really fast.  but i don't believe our circumstances and experiences come to us at random.  you know, really know by now, that i believe with my whole being in the power of prayer.  and so because of that, honest is all i know how to be.

in those first hours.  i told God to take her.  

that's hard to write.  but it is true.  i was visiting my husband's family in michigan, laying on a pull-out bed, trying to get through the night.  i knew my mom was hanging on by a thread.  from the moment of my birth (when she suffered from a severe brain aneurysm), leaving her paralyzed and without the use of her left arm or leg, she had suffered.  her life had been altered so much already.  her love of a physical life- tennis, swimming, running, sewing, baking, gourmet cooking- had been altered.  and she had endured.  she had overcome.  she had never surrendered to her physical alterations.  it changed her, for sure.  but it didn't stop her.  

and so having lived my life with that mom  i felt like it was time for me to let go.  God could take her.  my entire life had been a constant looping lesson of overcoming and leaping obstacles and winning the war in a struggle...  watching her live had taught me so much!  

and so as i waiting for my sister to arrive at the er several hours away, i asked God to take her.  i couldn't stand the thought of watching her fight one more fight.  she had been there.  she had done that.  

and i totally expected God to call her home.

and as i lay in the dark wishing for a pair of ruby red slippers to take me to her bedside several states away, i felt a shift within me.  

i can't explain it.  but i felt like God nudging me to change my prayer.  and i remember going into the bathroom so as not to wake my sleeping husband,  and sitting on the floor weeping.  i continued to pray and try and make and heads and tails of this life or death situation.  and in my prayers, i felt God press in and whisper, "i have more to teach you, tasha."

at the time, i didn't know what that meant.  it didn't answer the life or death situation that was looming over my head or give way to any other enlightenment.  i simply knew that God would use this for good.  and i sort of felt within my soul that she would pull through- some way, some how, defying all the odds.

and i sat back to see how it would all unfold.  and as i walked through the journey i learned many a thing.  but i sort of forgot about that moment on the cold bathroom floor in michigan.

if you knew me at the time, you know that my momma's journey was a long one.  she fought for the better part of week one to live.  she defied the doctor's expectations and after keeping us all on the edge of our seats for a while, turned a corner.  but early on, it was clear she would never be who she had been before.  the accident caused some mental issues that would not reverse.  she had vision loss in the left corner of both eyes.  her ability to compute numbers or comprehend numerical value disappeared.  physically, she was less stable.  emotionally, she was explosive.  her life became more about every day function rather than pleasure.

many of these traits surfaced from the aneurysm years ago, but they were exacerbated by the second head injury.  it was more than the brain could take.  while she still had a functioning brain, most of the social norms that remained, flew out the window.  out of respect for my momma, i won't list these, but if you have met her you know what i am talking about.  she is difficult to be around.  

for the past week and a half, she visited from her new home with my sister in pensylvania.  ten days pales in comparison to what my sister has taken on, but if i am honest, ten days often feels difficult.  

when my momma has visited me in the past, i have tried to embrace her agenda.  but each and every time, my non-stop adventure loving momma tires me out early in the trip.  i have found in the past that i try to give her what she wants, but sort of bring my own expectations to the table.  i secretly hope that if i do what she wants, she will give me a little more of what i want.  i hope that she will use more social graces and be more pleasant.  i hope that she will be more loving towards people that have made different choices than her and that she will be less selfish.  and each and every trip has proven to disappoint.  she tries to force her will- seeing every site in the tri-valley area.  and i try to force mine- getting my momma to be political correct and more "mainstream" or "normal".  

that's hard to share.  but like i said, i am going to share the truth here.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  ick.  i sure have a lot of ugly within me.

changing gears slightly- i have two very dear friends here in p-town, along with my childhood bestie in marcellus and another dear friend in winc. who have lost their mommas to cancer.  i am sure there are more, but these are the prominent ones that drive me.  i watch them miss their mommas.  i see them mark the anniversary of their death and commemorate birthdays.  they tell stories of their mommas and miss them on christmas.  and it brings an ache to my soul.  i get to have mine, and often, i don't give that the respect that it deserves.  they long to have theirs.  

and it made me approach this trip with my momma differently.  i vowed before her arrival to give to her without reservation, without expectation, to simply serve her.

i kept thinking of Jesus and the verse in mathew that says, "the king will answer them, 'truly i tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"

it became imperative to me to honor the fact that God had spared her life.  it became crucial that i love on her in a way that would sing to her heart.  

it became vital that i think less about what i wanted in return and thought only about what she needed.  

ouch.

love without expectation.

no matter what i get in return i will love you the way that you need?  and i sought the face of my Father and asked Him if He was sure this was what i needed to do.

yep.  

no surprise here.  a quick confirmation that God gave me borrowed time to learn how to love...  well.  no me.  just Him.  

and it was hard.

and in the hard was also a whole lotta fun.

but after ten days of giving her the desires of her heart, i saw a transformation in her.  she smiled more and began to adopt a ease of spirit.  the tense that is so often her go-to emotion melted a bit and a peace fell over her slightly.

but the true moment of "God is amazing!" came today at the airport.  you see, i believe that God always has a much larger picture in mind.  sure, He longs for me to grow.  and he absolutely longs to bless my momma.  but it goes beyond that.  and probably more so than i will ever know.

today, as my most-of-the-time selfish momma sat in the airport waiting for her flight, she noticed a herd of other "wheelchair assist" passengers waiting for the same plane.  no joke- there were 7 peeps in wheelchairs and another three elderly walk-ons waiting together to board the plane.  none of them were traveling together and none of them had someone helping them at the gate (aside from airport employees).

my mom looked up at me from her seat and whispered to me that i should ask the lady next to her if she needed anything.

good idea.  immediately it resonated within me.  but for my mom- i wouldn't have noticed on my own!

and so i asked the woman.

"yes!"

"i need to use the bathroom and i would love a sandwich!"

and so with ease, i helped her take care of the things she needed before the flight.  and then i looked at the rest of the group.

"who needs help?"

"i have time and can do whatever you need!"

yes!  yes.  yes!!

and i swear to you- in all my 37 years, my momma has never shown this sort of concern for others.

i believe firmly that if i hadn't prayed for God to be in the details of this visit- to help me love without restraint- my momma would have been sitting there tense and absorbed in her own very real and very pressing needs.  her eyes would have been closed to the needs of others.  and i would have been frustrated and irritated and grouchy- also unaware of those needs.

it was a least of these moment.

and i also believe that each of these people in the airport paid it forward in their own way.  i don't how. i don't know why.  but i am convinced that when we feel love we spill out love.  because of my momma, these people felt love.  the only natural reaction is for it to pour itself out and onward....  more people.  more love.  Jesus shows up all over town.

you see, i believe that in different ways, we all are the least of these.  and if you and i all started loving on each other- if you and i started meeting the needs of those around us-

...listening to a friend who is experiencing discontent...

...paying a toll for a stranger...

...being patient with the slow driver in front of us...

...extending grace to the person that just displayed their worst behavior...

...not judging...

...giving a hug...

...letting a friend brag about something cool that happens to them without trying to one up them...

...less corporate charity donations and more real-life personal donations...

the world would be closer to the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.

i believe that God is preparing a Kingdom for us later.  but i also believe He wants US to help imitate that Kingdom in the here and now.

i think He's been trying to teach me this lesson my whole life.  i learned it in the span of ten days...  after almost 38 years.  slow on the uptake?  yep.

will i live this out from this moment until He takes me home?

my guess is that i will probably forget.

but for my dawnie and my shahnahnah and my kathy and my cathy (my girlies that have lost their mums), i am going to do my best to keep this new lesson learned at the forefront of my life.

if you see me live differently...  please, hold me accountable.

lessons learned, but not applied, do no good.  i want this one to stick.

sugar and spice?

i promise you with my entire being, i thought that this thread of posting was WAY over.  it was exhausted, squeezed, emptied.  the story was told and then re-told- over- kaput- done- finished- the end.

except it wasn't.

at some point towards the very end of august i opened my email inbox to discover a message from a friend telling me about a bethany hamilton event that i should check out.  just so happens that said event would be held in p-town a mere 1.5 miles from the buser casa.  what?  for reals?  shut the front door?  we don't have waves here!  why would THE bethany hamilton be here?  and for what?

instead of trying to obtain the answers to all of THOSE questions, i went to the website and got some incredibly vague information about the event.  as it turned out, BH was coming to p-town for a fundraiser event.  tickets were reasonable but the description of the event was confusing.  i didn't really know what i was going to be attending. i had a lingering question mark concerning the content of the event.  it was a bit of a conundrum.  i made a choice.   buy tickets.  attend.  the rest will unfold after that.

this goes against my grain.  i like to know what in the dickens i am buying before i click "purchase".  in this instance, i had the gut reaction that it didn't really matter.  e's birthday was just around the bend.  e loves BH.  anything that included her would suffice.

after a quick game of "rock-paper-scissors" with the hubs to call dibs on who would take e, (with me coming out on the winning end), i purchased two tickets for e and i to meet BH once again.

and on e's ninth birthday, we shared the news with her.

she was rather stoked at the news that she would, once again, be meeting bethany hamilton.

i need to pause for a moment and interject a few things.  first- i have never really been super celebrity crazed.  in fact, i could sort of care less about a celeb.  people are people, in my opinion.  you- me- a celeb- what's the diff?  not much.

but when my e became obsessed with BH- and the way that my e became obsessed with BH- well...  my celeb perspective shifted.

i mean...  i have my opinion.  but she gets to have hers.  and hers could include the likes of katy perry, or miley cyrus, or...   any other name that i could insert here. and any of those names (while possibly good peeps), DO NOT compare to BETHANY HAMILTON!  the name might out fame BH...  but the character of the person behind the name could never...  NEVER...  measure up.

and so i have chosen to embrace (whole heartedly) my girls love for bethany.

and how could you not love her?  i found this on ebay (it's a wall decal) and sort of developed my own obsession.  i mean...  really?  what's not to love!?!

moving on.

today was the BIG day.  e came home from school, did some homework, changed into her W.W.B.H.D (what would bethany hamilton do) sweatshirt and we headed out the door to super franks.

upon arrival, we were given an auction paddle (apparently this WAS a fundraiser) and some tokens for games.  e and i ventured off into a game room and played a little skee ball...

ate some pizza.  chatted.  paused for a selfie...

posed by the super cool surfboard...

and then joined the very excited crowd of kiddos on the floor...

and then the head of the sponsoring organization (teen esteem) came out for some introductions and a welcome message.

he had me at hello.

the dude (and the organization that i knew nothing about) were both amazing.  he showed the kids three cups...  a red solo cup, a typical coffee mug, and a tea cup...  

and then he went on to share the message of this...

some of us go through life and we feel disposable like the red solo cup.  some of us go through life and we feel replaceable like the typical coffee mug.  but in reality, we are all like the fine china tea cup.  each and every one of us is invaluable.

priceless.

worth more than we know.

irreplaceable.

and my e got to hear those words.  i wish i could climb inside her head.  i wish i could climb inside her heart.  oh to know how those sounds within her!  

an overwhelming rush came over me as i heard the first act of the night!  if every girl could hear this truth- well...  i don't even know what the outcome would be!  i can pretty much guess that it would change lives.  and if every girl BELIEVED this truth...  i can't even imagine!

but my e was blessed (because julianna capata sent me a random note telling me about this random event) with these truths presented to her!  

("what a mighty God we serve" was the anthem that rattled through my head all night!...  in case those lyrics addicts were wondering.  giggle.)

and then they auctioned off a bunch of stuff and people poured out their pockets for this new-to-me but VERY rad organization that empowers teenagers with messages of truth and worth right in the middle of those years where you don't have a clue but think you know it all...

and then...

BH was on the stage.  in the flesh.  ever so real.  ever so kind.  ever so calm and approachable...

and she shared HER truth.  she talked about God's purpose in our lives and shark attacks and pursuing our passions , and trials, and obstacles, and overcoming.

(and my heart poured out the anthem of mandisa- overcomer for the rest of the night.  i can't help it.)

and goose bumps traveled up my arms and i silently shouted up a prayer of thanks. 

and the BEST part was still yet to come.  after bethany gave her speech, she answered a few questions from audience members.

each and every question brought bethany right back to sharing her love of a God who, she believes, let this happen to her to expand her boundaries and broaden her reach.  

one girl asked her, "bethany, you are our hero.  we are all here because we love you.  who is YOUR hero?"

bethany didn't skip a beat.  in her cool shaka way, she replied, "my parents and God."  

she went on to explain how those two things combined to make the perfect role model and hero that a girl could wish for.

and tears stung my eyes.

you see, i realized in that moment that i wasn't sitting there criss-cross-applesauce on the floor of super franks on a random wednesday night just for e.

God brought me there for me, too.  

if i am totally honest, this momma has a long way to go on the road of "hero" or "role model" for my girls.  

this moment was a very good heart check for ME.  what do i need to do for e?  what improvements need to be made for MY girls to see God and good and truth and beauty and hope and optimism and purpose in the way that bethany did.

i have a long road in front of me.  and thankfully, e's only 9.  

but i am ever so thankful and filled with joy at the reminder that MY purpose is really about THEM.  and their purpose is really about HIM.

what a mighty God we serve!  and thank God, He designed ME to be an overcomer.

tonight was epic.  i will remember it for years to come.  and i am so thankful for the opportunity to sit beside my girl and learn about life together.

stay tuned.  while i thought this thread was over, i can now say with certainty, it isn't.

the fat lady has yet to sing.

high speed dubbing mode

when i was in middle school i was obsessed with making mix tapes.  the love affair with my tape recorder carried well into my high-school years.  i have vivid memories of scoring my first double cassette recorder which allowed me to reproduce my mix-tapes for a friend at rapid speed.  the wheels would spin and the whir would fill the air.  to me, it was the sound of anticipation.

if you've read suburban momma more than once, you most likely know that i am a wee bit obsessed with lyrics.  the words to the music tend to speak to me and the vocals linger in my head long after the last note is played.

i have a bad memory and can't remember the artist or the album, but the lyrics roll around in my brain and come out at random times.  i have a terrible singing voice, but the one inside of me lies to my ears and pretends that it can hang with the musical talents of many a pop culture star.

as i heard those four wheels spinning around during my youth, the anticipation of the music that would result made me excited.  i couldn't wait for the tape to reach the end and for the music to finally fill the air.  i loved seeing how the songs would flow together and create a mood from the combination of lyrics and artists, compiled together to form a soundtrack.

none of that matters.  but all of it is true.

today, i had this crazy reality.  it is tuesday.  part of the week is behind me.  part of the week is before me.  i looked at my calendar to examine the elements that lay before me and mentally filed them into my brain.  chances are i will miss something, or have to look back at the schedule.  but one thing is certain.

before i can blink, friday will be upon me and all the things that i am anticipating today will behind me. no matter what.  i can't stop it.

week after week it keeps happening this way.

life is on high speed dubbing mode.

and i can't slow it down.

i blink my eyes and poppy is two inches taller, ellie is talking about boys and delaney is developing an Independence that i didn't see coming.  my littles are growing up- babyhood is gone and elementary life is my new reality.

i held a newborn today and i had this acute sensation that i would blink and she would be five.

life is like that.  it goes by fast.

there isn't much that we can do to change the speed.  no matter how hard we try, life just continues going by.  minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

as i observed this on this random tuesday, i realized that while i can't change the speed, while the pace will continue to be at high speed dubbing rate, i want to enjoy the compilation.

i hope that down the road i will remember the melody- the hum of the girlies playing in the backyard, the bickering over chores, the chatter as we bathe them and get them ready for bed, the homework and the laundry and the carpools and the play dates.  the family dinners, vacations, conversations, car pools, questions, dance parties, arguments...  i hope that each and every component  of our lives will blend into the best mix tape ever.

i long for a mix of praise, silly songs, ballads, worship and all-out jams.

and i hope that in the mind of my girls, the sound of their lives goes platinum.  

are you there god? it's me ellie

if you are sick of hearing about surfing, this post is not for you.  well...  technically, it isn't about surfing at all...  but it centers around surfing.  six of one...

but you might like it.  and we've all heard that "don't judge a book by its cover subject quote".

moving on.

last week my e came to me and told me that she had found a surfboard on craigslist that she would like to buy.  she was insistent and impatient and rude in demanding that i look at the listing this minute.  i was in the middle of the little's bedtime routine and told my ever so excited and overly demanding e that i would not indulge this behavior and that she would have to wait.

she couldn't.  she wouldn't.  the ants in her pants got the best of her and self-control flew out the window.  as a consequence, i told her i would not look at the board until the next day.

at bedtime she apologized and we made amends.  i agreed to check out the board in the morning.  the next day i read the ad and felt like she had made a pretty solid choice and that her constant searching had paid off.  my girl had found a very reasonably priced board that would suit her needs.  i texted the owner of the board with my request to purchase it.

he didn't get back to me for several hours.  it nearly killed e.  she was beside herself when she arrived home from school with no real news.

i texted the guy again only to discover that the board was being checked out by another person over the weekend.  he promised to let me know if it didn't work out.  as a little nudge in e's favor, i told him it was for my nine year old and that she was buying a board with her own money.  she would be eager to hear if it would be hers.

he then replied with something cool...  he told me that this board had been his first board when he was 12.  it was the beginning of a love of surfing for him.  he'd be in touch.

i could only hope.  but the deal was a really good one so i decided we had best not count our chickens. chances were that the first in line would take the board.

we waited through the weekend with my e asking repeatedly if i had heard anything from the dude.  i had not.

on monday, almost to the moment that she hopped into the car in the carpool line, the dude texted me to say that the board was all ours if we wanted it.  he lived in sunnyvale (about an hour away in traffic) and that we could pick it up on tuesday.

i made the announcement to e.

after she danced around and yelped with excitement, she declared, "God answered my prayers, mom.  He heard me!"

oy.  if i am totally honest here, i had a pang of fear in my heart.  i know God answers prayer and that He cares for the intimate desires of our hearts, but i was afraid.  what if the guy flaked out?  what if the board was a mess?  what if...  what if...  what if...

what if this didn't work out and ellie felt like God had failed her.

ouch.

those were my real, true thoughts.  i'm not proud of them.  but in that moment, i was her mother and i forgot that God cares about her even more than i ever possibly could.  and so my momma bear kicked in a little and wanted to protect her...  from being disappointed by God.  as if that were possible.

i admit, i forget sometimes that His plan is never disappointing in the long run.  in the short run it can feel that way.  but in the long run it just isn't.

and so after school we headed for the highway to sunnyvale.  there was just one problem.  i texted the guy for the address of where we were to meet and he hadn't yet replied.  he had told me he would give me an address at 3:00 and at 3:15 i was still without a reply text.

knowing that the drive would be long in rush hour traffic, i went in the direction of sunnyvale.  we drove for about 40 minutes and still no reply text.  i was beginning to get nervous, to say the least.

d needed an emergency potty break so we pulled over and headed into a restroom to attend the most pressing need.  i was beginning to feel stressed and the girls could feel it.  ellie asked multiple times if i had heard from the surfboard guy.

nope.  not a peep.

with nothing left to do, i asked the girls if they wanted to pray,

yes.  yes they did.

and so as i drove down interstate 880, i prayed out loud with the girls.  as the words, "amen" hit my lips the beep of an incoming text gurgled out of my phone.

the girls let out a cheer.

"momma, is it the guy?"

"yes!  yes, it is!"

and so i pulled off the road to punch the address into the navigation system.  and in just a few short minutes, we were at our destination.  the surfboard guy was standing next to a basketball court at a local park waiting to make the deal.

my girls jumped out of the car to examine the board while the seller introduced himself.  he made some chit-chat and he took ellie's cash (allowing me to photograph the transaction without capturing his face for fear of charges of soliciting from a minor).

ellie insisted on putting the board into the car herself and he continued to chat with me.  he proceeded to tell me that about 20 people had shown interest in the board and that all 20 had flaked at the last minute.   he couldn't believe that she was the girl that got the great deal.  you could tell he was excited to sell his first board from 1987 to someone else that was getting their first board.  he even showed a little disbelief that she was a surfer.

i just looked at him and felt this little nudge from the Holy Spirit to tell my truth.

"well, it just so happens that my nine year old believes in the power of prayer.  as soon as she found this board she began to pray.  and here we are."

his eyes got wide and he said, "really?"

i nodded.

he shook my hand again and said, "that's really cool."  and then he walked off into the park.

and ellie beamed for the entire drive home while rubbing her hand on her "new" board.

and to think, i thought i needed to protect her from the power of prayer!

amen!

"you and me kid" part deux

you may recall that pops and i had you and me kid day a few weeks back.  i wouldn't trade that day, but as with many posts that i write, there is more to the story.  this happens often here at "diary of a suburban momma" (and life in general, really).  you think that it is "over" and that the story has ended.  i hit the "publish" button and in my mind that is the end.  and then a few days pass and some new thing builds itself onto the story.

"you and me kid day" has had that same evolution.

 and here is the rest of the story.  and then a little more because that's how i roll...  always on the edge of tmi.  you're welcome.

almost three weeks ago, these two little muffins marched their little selves off to elementary school.  and for two weeks it was just pops and momma.  again.

after we left them at school, she grabbed hands with me and skipped home.  daddy left for work and she declared, "it's just you and me kid".

"yep, popsie.  just you and me."

and then i went about my morning, loading the washing machine with darks and sweeping the kitchen floor.  pops meandered off and got down to the business of playing.

for a few minutes.

and then she wandered back to me and asked, "when are we going to get ice cream?"

"ice cream?  we can't get ice cream at nine in the morning."

and then the tears began.

"but i thought it was 'you and me kid day'!"

we had a little snuggle and a little chat.  i tried to explain to her that when we are alone together it isn't always a party.  sometimes it is but other times it is business as usual.

she did not care for that answer and on day two of big sisters at school and popsie still at home with momma, she asked again.

on friday i finally gave in and took her to get some fro-yo with friends after kindy pick up.  i just couldn't take her sad face any more.

and so imagine her joy when HER big day finally arrived and she got to go to school like big sisters!  she was elated and eager to begin her new adventure of pre-k.  

she dressed herself.  what can i say?  that kid is one of a kind.  i have to throw those comments in as a security measure for myself in the years to come.  you know she's going to blame me for letting her wear those blasted boots every day of her life.  i had nothing to do with it.  

i even bought her new shoes for the big day.  she picked them out all by herself.  and then promptly rejected them as soon as she tried them on at home.

exhibit a:

what's that you say?  

"didn't you buy her new shoes on 'you and me kid day'?"

yes.  yes i did.

i'm glad you asked.

she rejected those, too.

and so she is back down to uggs.  sigh.

but she rocks those uggs and is happy.  and that's all a momma could ask for.  right?

and a total aside from this story, is this one...

for the last few weeks, my pops has rejected our normal night time routine.  when i ask her what song she wants me to sing to her, she asks for "bubbles in the air".  and she giggles and pretends to pop bubbles while i sing the song.  and every night, at the end of the song as i kiss her head, she says...

"momma, you're a bubble!"

and then she laughs her little head off as i turn off the light.

i heart p-town

dear p-town,

it is so hard to believe that our relationship together began FOUR years ago today.  it feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye.  if i close my eyes, i can still remember standing in the tennis park on that very first day here.  the sun felt so warm on my shoulders and i wanted so desperately for a sign that this move was the right decision.

with each day, i have fallen in love with you more and been reassured that this was indeed a very good decision.  you are warm and kind and arms wide open.  you are filled with spectacular surprises of intense beauty- the climb up the ridge, the corner of neal and main, the dairy, the view of mt. diablo as you drive down hopyard,  the palm trees by 580 (that always feel so welcoming and so very california to this east coast girl), roses in the winter, woodpeckers and hummingbirds, your beautiful green hills in february, the scent of rosemary and lavender wafting from gardens on a summer's evening walk, flip flop temps in january, parades in the center of town, candy cane lane, poppies on the side of the road, a dancing pickle dueling it out with a caesar, turkeys meandering across a yard...  the list is long and could go on for days.

i had no idea on that scary september 11th, leaving behind so many cherished friendships, what this new place could possibly offer me that wouldn't pale in comparison.  and while nothing can replace those special people...  you've wrapped me in the arms of so many more special amazing friendships.  and i've realized that life isn't about replacing people or experiences, but much more about building onto them.  the past four years has been the most amazing building experience!  i am in awe.  i am filled with gratitude.  while i will always remember september 11th for the atrocities that occurred to our great nation, it will also always hold a special glimmer of optimism and hope for me and my family.

thankful,
suburban momma

life lessons from my first peanut

9 years ago today, i was 41 3/4 weeks prego with my first baby.  scott and i got pregnant easily.  my pregnancy was also easy without a single issue (aside from some warnings from my ob to lay off the coldstone).  step by step and day by day we marched into parenthood without a hitch.  and i had no idea how thankful i should have been.  later i learned.

and then labor began.  and easy street was over.

i had no clue what i was doing.  i was ill prepared in every single way.  i took the classes.  i read the books (many, many books), but there was little that could have prepared me for the pain of birth.

e arrived on the scene just before bedtime.  i remember vividly being wheeled from labor and delivery to the maternity ward at northwestern, arriving in the room and then preparing to go to bed.  

imagine my surprise when that sweet bundle was NOT prepared for bed.  in that moment i realized that you can read all the books, take as many classes as you want, check every mommy blog, consult with "expert" mommies...  you name it, you can do it.  but NOTHING can prepare you for parenthood.  it is a learn on the job experience.  as you walk through it, you figure it out.

and so to my sweet baby girl...

dear peanut,
you have rocked my world in the most amazing way.  i had no idea what i was doing and you have been my little guinea pig.  i've had some motherhood successes and quite a few epic fails.

and while i feel badly for the times that i have not gotten it right, i thank you.  for in each experience that mothering you has given me, i've learned a LOT about life.

i've learned that you can't control people and you can't completely figure them out.  the human being is intricate and complex in every way.  through learning this, i've learned to appreciate our creator in a new way.  he's wired us in such an amazing way and filled us with beauty that unfolds layer by layer.  i see that beauty in you and am in awe.  you are amazing, complicated, smart, witty, playful and yet very serious.   from the moment you were born right up until now, you surprise me as i learn new layers that you possess.  and as i learn each new thing about you, i continue to be amazed that God could build such a beautiful you.  in the brief moments when i doubt creation or the ability of a God to think things into being, i just look at you.   it erases that doubt instantly because you are too special, too complex, too unique!

i've also learned a lot about forgiveness.  for years, sweet e, i wondered how God could possibly forgive me for some of the things i have done.  i'm a pretty good person MOST of the time but not ALL of the time. gossip can occasionally creep into my conversations, anger can be a stronghold when my plan isn't panning out, and sometimes kindness isn't my go-to behavior.  in fact, sometimes the unkind thoughts ring louder in my head.  i've struggled in my faith to understand how this perfect God could forgive me over and over and over again for the same repeated behaviors.  it drives me crazy.  it MUST drive God insane.

and through you, i've learned all about this.  you see, as wonderful as you are, you too are human.  you have a sin nature that pops up from time to time.  you are a rule follower and you have always wanted to make momma happy.  even when you were itty bitty, you listened to my voice and intended to obey my instruction.  but even you, a girl who desires to be good, fumbles from time to time.  and when you do, it is easy to forgive you for i know that you don't WANT to be naughty.  but sometimes we all are naughty.

as i walked through you being naughty (from time to time), i learned how easy it CAN BE to forgive someone you love so much.  you see, before you, forgiveness didn't always come easy to me.  but somehow, when it is your daughter, when it is your flesh and blood, forgiveness just comes.  it is easy and it is natural and it is swift.

and as i experienced that with you, my sweet girl, i learned to also receive it from MY father.  i realized that God feels that very same thing about me...  even when i can't stop doing the same thing...  over and over and over again.  each and every time He is able to draw me into His arms and say, "it's ok, tasha.  you'll get it.  maybe next time.  maybe next year.  but no matter what, i love you."

lastly, ellie girl, you've taught me joy.  you have a smile and a carefree heart, that when opened, lights up the world.  you illuminate a room and evoke giggles and smiles in ways i didn't know was possible. thank you for teaching me true authentic joy.

God calls us to live with this emotion at the forefront of our lives, but it is a choice.  when you choose joy, girl, the payout is huge.  thank you for eclipsing my heart with this emotion so many times.

your future is bright and i can't wait to see the next nine years and the nine after that...  an on and on.  it is pure pleasure, (ok...  there are SOME moments of parental pain but mostly pure pleasure), watching you grow.

and remember, the world will try and change you.  there will be things that push you or pull you in an attempt to get you off course.  but when you are YOU, when you are true to the beautiful young woman that God designed you to be, you will rock this place and bloom in amazing ways.

always in love with you,

mom

D bugs the not so much a baby anymore of the world

way back when delaney was little, i began calling her buggy.  i don't know where it came from, it's just one of those mommy nicknames that comes out of nowhere.  and it stuck.  much to my husband's dismay.

eventually, buggy morphed into d bugs.

one day on facebook i posted a picture and captioned it, d bugs the baby of the world.

which also stuck.

and so my little delaney is often called, "d bugs the baby of the world", in her special moments.

she was a great baby.  easy in every way.

this week i sent that baby girl off into the world.

kindergarten.

i tried to write about it several times last week and the words just wouldn't come out.

when scott and i walked her to school on that first day (last monday), he became misty eyed as she marched into the classroom glancing over her shoulder to flash us that "d bugs" smile and give a little wave.  daddy cracked first, so momma had to stay strong.

you can't have two weepy parents in the kindergarten lot.  it just isn't right and quite frankly, i've told myself for years that i'm not the "cry on the first day" sort of mom.

except i am.

shhh..

don't tell the girls.

i put on my brave face and tell them that this is what strong girls do.  they march off to school and into the doors and embrace the world.  i try to teach them to be bold.  to get dirty.  to play hard.  to share joy with the world and to celebrate the beauty all around them.

i don't talk much about fear.

that, we look in the face head on and tell it to back off.  it has no place in our lives.

except, right before my d cast me her brilliant smile and coy little wave, i saw this

and all i felt was fear.

and when i came home and tried to mark the entrance into kindergarten via this blog, the words just wouldn't come out.

i don't do "fear" well.  but fear is what i felt.  and this is what i wanted to say...

dear new teacher, 
d bugs the baby of the world is special.  extra special.  she is strong and independent, but fragile.  she won't show you her breakable side, but it is there.  speak kindly to her for her heart takes in the words that you give her and she mulls them and processes them and let's them penetrate.  kindness goes far, but harshness breaks her.  

she loves compliments and validation.  she needs it.  it stamps her with approval to be good and she is fueled by it.  if you love her and appreciate her, she will flourish.  but if you don't, she will wilt.  you won't see her wilt, for remember, she is strong.  but inside she will be crushed and the recovery process is long.  you can't undo damages to the heart.  they stick to her like glue.

she is filled with joy.  it bubbles out of her and spills onto the world. encourage this.  inspire this.  notice this.  her smile will warm your soul.  she can light up the world with the sparkle in her eyes.  find things that bring forth this sparkle.  let her shine.

she is always trying to catch her older sister.  in an effort to do so, she will fool you sometimes.  she puts on a big front and acts like she's got it all under control.  sometimes she does.  sometimes she doesn't.  notice her.  don't let her skim by on her just her smile.  make sure she learns and absorbs and pushes herself academically.  like i said, she'll try and fool you a bit because she just wants to be in 4th grade.  

let her giggle.  let her ask questions.  help her make friends.  protect her.  hug her.  smile at her often.  to you, she is one of 30.  to me, she is my d bugs the baby of the world.  

kindly,
a momma who isn't quite ready to let this one go

these words just wouldn't come this week.  it took me until this weekend, when we went to the beach and saw that she was still my same old buggy, for the words to free themselves from my fear.

and when i saw her catching sand crabs...

i knew my girl was going to be ok.  she puts up a good front.  she always, always does.

but this

was a sign to me that she is going to be just fine.